In The Land Of Women…

12 02 2011

So, I’ve been thinking lately. I’ve really been wanting to get some updates to my blog site, but I don’t have the time, considering I’m saving the world now. (more on that in just a bit.)

What I’m looking for is two things. Two simple things and I’m hoping someone out there will be able to help me out.

First, what I need is a cool little photo for my Facebook “fan page.” I just want something a little better than the glass of Jack and Coke picture that I took while I was out and about one night. (It must also be noted, that the picture is also in the header of this blog.)

Which actually brings me to the next topic. I want a cool banner that reflects this blog at the top. The picture itself has to be 780 x 95 and it also has to be awesome.

To sweeten this little deal I’ve made with you people, I’ll be willing to fork over $20 in US dollars at the iTunes store. Don’t like iTunes, fine, I’ll get you $20 in Joanns Fabrics, Gap, Best Buy, Victorias Secret (please let this be the one) or any store of your choosing. Shit, it could be Louis Vitton if you really feel like you can get something worth $20 bucks there. (They’ve got keychains right?!?) Thats right $20 free dollars of fun-ness to people who can actually work the Photoshop Machine.

All you have to do is submit the photo ideas to SarcasmAsAWeapon@gmail.com. There, that’s it. I’m sure none of you have anything to do today so I should expect tons of results within the hour.

Now, with that out of the way on to bigger and better things. See, I’ve been at my new job for just over a month now. It’s pretty epic. I’m working for a non-profit in the hope of dominating a pretty terrible disease. To protect most the innocent people I work with, I’m going to refrain from actually name dropping the actual company, but rest assured, if we were to talk and you were a smoking hot, or even pretty decent looking, I’d be sure to let you know exactly the type of work I do.

It’s been a constant level of learning which I’m not entirely used to. I’m really used to knowing shit and when I don’t know shit it bothers me. You may say I’m a bit of a know it all. I’m alright with that label, because quite frankly, knowledge is power and dammit I love power. (However the thing that eludes me is the true knowledge of using comma’s. I know I use to many and I know most of them are used incorrectly, but to be honest, it’s my blog and it’s really not that easy writing them shitcanned out of your mind. You try it!)

Where was I? Oh right, things I’m not used to…. Quite frankly, not knowing things is slowly starting to change. I’m becoming more comfortable with what I’m doing and starting to learn things at a rapid pace which can only lead to my domination and quick ascension to a promotion.

While the knowledge is coming, one thing that has thrown me for an even bigger loop is the fact that I work with ALL women. Seriously. ALL WOMEN.

Now look, I know that one may be sitting there and saying “hey that’s perfect for you!” or “what’s wrong with working with all women.”

And the short answer is nothing. Nothing is wrong with working with all women. It’s just different. For example. My very first day at the office there was a staff meeting. It was held in a reasonably large conference room with windows to the outside world (important in a second.) Everyone rejoined from their holidays breaks and discussed what was done on their holiday breaks. For most it was the same old story, hung out with family, ate too much, etc etc. Oh, also this was my first time with everyone. All ladies. I believe I counted 20. The stories moved around the large 4 buffet tables made into a giant square. Finally came to the one lady I found the most attractive in the office. She recanted her story of her break, but left one little tid bit out until someone asked… “What ELSE happened on your break.” To which she replied “I got engaged!”

Whole muther effing room erupts in squeals and applause and congrats. Except me. Don’t get me wrong, I may have done a little slow clap for her, but all I could think was “dammit. of course.” Welcome to a female dominate workplace.

It’s totally different for me. I’ve worked in some pretty male dominated workplaces and this is all foreign to me. I’m used to dudes verbally assaulting chicks about their looks as they walk through the door of a gym. Nope, can’t do that. I’m used to being given a “good game” pat on the ass when I’ve done some pretty good work. Nope, can’t do that. I’m used to saying the F word left and right. Nope, can’t do that either. It’s all very weird.

One of the more weird things, is the way people are motivated. We’ve had to do some pretty inane work that can get kind of boring or trying on ones patience so the powers that be decided that we would do arts and crafts before lunch to liven things up a little bit.

Wait, what? Arts and FUCKING crafts!?! Surely you can’t be serious.

They were. And are. Another thing I’ve learned, is you don’t fuck with arts and craft time. Write this down boys and girls as a legitimate life lesson. You. Don’t. Fuck. With. Arts and Craft. Time. Ever.

On this particular day we made frames. We were to put a picture of someone that is important to us to remind us why we do what we do. Heres mine….

Arts and Crafts Bitches.

I know. Someone fucking call the Louvre. Sign my shit up.

One thing I’m finding hard, is talking ABOUT women with women. It’s not the same. Like not even at all. I try a little bit with a friend of mine, but it’s just not the same. Like, I can’t go into another co-workers office and be all “Bro, did you see what So-And-So was wearing today?!? Like DAYUM! Look at her ass!” To which they would reply “Fuckin sick bro! I know!” High fives would generally be shared along with a little head nod. These things actually happen… trust me. You wear something hot, the guys in your office totally notice. However, they have a healthy outlet to express such hotness. Alas, I am without.

Now I feel like you readers will believe that working with all women is all bad. It’s not. In fact, I’m hoping at some point I’ll get hooked up with one or two of the hot daughters… that’s right Regional Vice President, I noticed your photos on your bookshelf, and that’s right I noticed your smoking hot daughter. Maybe she’ll put in a good word at some point. You know something like …

VP “Hey Smoking Hot daughter, we have a new employee.”
SHD: “Mom, I told you for the 100th time, I’m not a lesbian.”
VP: “Well it had just been a long time since you brought a guy home. But no, the employee is a guy!”
SHD: “really?!? And he is attractive, like the Red Sox, works for a non-profit and is an overall do gooder?”
VP: “Yup!! All of those are correct!!”
SHD: “I’ve gotta jump his bones this second!”
VP: “I give you my blessing.”

I figure it’ll go down something like that. Which is good cause the other bonus to working with all women??? My very own bathroom. Seriously. It’s awesome. The bathroom is huge, I’m actually thinking about putting a couch in there and renaming it the men’s lounge. You know, were there are decanters of liquor, ascots, cigars and mahogany. (sidebar, we can’t actually have ANY smoking considering, you know, it causes cancer.) This is often times where I go when I don’t want to be found. It’s not like anyone is coming in there to find me. However, even though it is MY bathroom, I’m not going to knock the Glade air-freshener and the very cute seashell/sand bowl on the counter. I mean, it’s just cute.

Last but not least… women really know how to take care of a guy. I mean especially if there is only one. For example, I’m not known to eat a whole lot of food at work. I just don’t like to. My daily routine usually consists of a protein bar in the morning and a meal replacement bar for lunch. It’s really how I keep my girlish figure. I then devour just about everything after the fact, but that’s neither here nor there. In doing this, this concerns women a great deal. A GREAT deal. I’m always being offered food. Hey I have some leftover this. Or I have a lean cuisine in the fridge. Or hey I brought extra lettuce, have a salad. I love it. I know if I ever move out and have nothing in my refrigerator, I’m just going to go to work and tell the ladies my dilema. BAM. Free Food. Ingenious.

(And ladies lets not be haters… It’d be like you going to a frat house saying you’ve never been drunk before. Boom. Free drinks. Or just going to Vegas. Boom Free drinks. You work your world, I’ll work mine.)

In closing, my birthday just passed recently and if you ever want to just fly under the radar, I suggest working with all men. Women want to make sure you feel special on your day (women you work with that is, not ones you facebook stalk on the daily.) For my birthday I got serenaded at my desk with a rousing rendition of Happy Birthday. Free lunch. And a giant muther effing cupcake. And the world knows, I fucking love cupcakes.
Giant. Cupcake. Delicious.

So, maybe working with all women isn’t all that bad. For now that is. I mean, until their periods sync up and I’m the only man in the office to take all their hate out on. I’m sure that day is coming soon, but until then I’ll take a giant cupcake, smoking hot daughters, my own bathroom, and never having to worry about someone wearing the same outfit as I.

Life is good right now.

Until Next Time…

Email me
SarcasmAsAWeapon@gmail.com

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Coupons Are The Bane of My Existence….

26 10 2008

So today was my first day at my “new” job. The reason I say “new” is because it really isn’t new. I’ve done this job before in the same exact warehouse, with mostly the same exact people.

It’s amazing to me that this place pays so well, that many people never ever have any aspiration to leave. They just move on up. Which for me I suppose is a great thing. You see, for 5-6 years ago when I was employed full time there were a couple of middle aged women who were putting in their time. These same middle ages women liked the fact that I was young, impressionable, and “cute.”

Flash forward a couple of years, and those same middle aged woman are still there, except I’m “grown up,” and I believe the term handsome was used, which as we all know, is a term I feel should only be reserved for grandmas to use. Anyway, that’s besides the point. The point of this is, because I’ve known these ladies for years, and because they are now in charge, I was able to land myself a bit of a bonus on my first day.

I was told, on my first day, to jump on register 15. Which is cool, because I get paid more than the base pay and I hate “boxing” things up for people. So off I went to register 15 to start cashiering, something I haven’t done in roughly 5-6 years.

Nothing upsets the heard more than someone “new guy” coming into people spots and jacking one of the cashier spots that was open for the holiday season. One of the supervisors came in to talk to me on my lunch

Sup: “dude, some people are pissed off already that you’re cashiering.
Me: “oh I’m sorry. (I wasn’t.)
Sup: “it’s cool, I mean I put you on there.”
Me: Well I thank you for that.
Sup: “I just told people you’ve worked here before and knew what you were doing.”
Me: “oh cool, that’s good. I mean, I do. Ya know… know what I’m doing.”

Seriously people, it’s like riding a bike. I mean, I’m not going to lie, there were definitely some things that I didn’t remember but I don’t think I shortchanged the register, and no one got outta the store with a free plasma, so I’m chalking up day one as a success.

Working there isn’t without its perks people….

Today was in fact, the last day to use The Warehouses coupons!!! and HOLY SHIT are people bat shit crazy for their coupons. I mean, I guess I can understand. This place has wholesale prices. And now were giving away coupons on wholesale prices. The tomfoolery and chicanery is not hype people! COUPONS!!
(at this point, I imagine any scene from sesame street where grover is running around with his hands in the air shaking them to and fro. This is exactly how people feel about coupons at The Warehouse.)

People had to have their coupons. They NEEDED those coupons. Even for shit they didn’t need. Dude came in and bought some Oil of Olay shit for his skin. And by dude I mean one of those guys you’d see cutting down a tree, chewing tobacco, and brandishing a gun in the cab of his truck. (My apologies to any man, who in fact does the above said activities and purchases Oil of Olay to reduce wrinkles in their face.)

So of course, all day long I am forced to deal with people and their coupon-mania. And as I’ve stated before, I don’t like people, and I REALLY don’t like people with coupons. Needless to say it was a long day of people with their coupons, people who after years of providing bags for their meat, STILL bring up their meat not in a bag, therefore allowing all of the sweet awesome meat juice to flow like the salmon of Capistrano all over my hands, jeans, and register.

(and YES, I know that was one long ass run on sentence.)

All of this aside, I see some positives to my new found job.

#1. I get to keep my beautiful car. For which I may or may not be in love with. Whatever.

#2. I get to see some friends of mine come in with awesome sweet jobs, and ask… “How ya doing?” With the slight head tilt like someone died. Which in my case something has, my pride.

#3. I get to see some of the local 5 o’clock news casters! And, heads up…. you look fine without the HD makeup… but you’re bratty little child…. yeah, next time, roll in without that little guy. mmkay.

#4. Free membership.

#5. Free samples.

#6. More than likely I’ll do most of my moms Thanksgiving and Chirstmas shopping for her.

#7. I’m pretty sure working there is going to give me plenty of material of this blog. That is, unless my bosses find it, and fire me for it.

Until next time…

SarcasmAsAWeapon@gmail.com