Chivalry Is Dead…

4 08 2009

If you’ve been keeping up with me, you’ll have read my last post about putting Olivia Munn into my top 5 list.

I can proudly say that she indeed won the popular vote and has taken her rightful place in my top 5 crushes.

Playboy July Issue

Playboy July Issue

So I can thank all my faithful readers for helping me out on that one.

Now to some other pressing issues.

This past weekend I was lucky enough to attend Big P’s wedding on the Oregon coast. You may remember Big P from I’m Still A Virgin which I wrote a couple weeks back. It was a beautiful wedding with the Pacific Ocean as the backdrop, but more on that later.

I had prepared for this wedding knowing full well that Big P and his wife met at the Best Buy that we all worked at. During this time of employment we all became friends as we were all struggling college students and we all worked for the Man.

I knew that there would be a couple of people attending the wedding from Best Buy, and my secret hope was a couple of them would have been the High School Sluts that ran the cash registers at the front.

Before you go getting all indignant about my previous slut statement, let me give you some background. You see, our hiring manager at the time could easily be explained as a dirty old man that like to surround himself with attractive women. Seeing as I was in college I have no real problem with this theory or this practice. I mean, one can only hang out in computers with computer geeks for so long. So the Cashiers were a welcome change to a huge building filled with Computer Geeks and people who frequented Porn Conventions. Regularly. (I wish I was kidding about this.)

As it turned out most of these high school girls not only had low ambitions, but also lower morals. Bingo!

Now, as I am indeed much older than I was back then, it was my hope that indeed these high school girls would also be older, which would negate the creepy factor of me hitting on them.

In preparations for my weekend I believe I hit an all time low. I was getting ready and gathering all the things I would/could possibly need for this jaunt to the coast including condoms. Better to be safe than a dad. I always say. (no offense to dads.) So in my vain attempt to find some condoms in a Mormon household I began to give up the futile search. Then it dawned on me. I had kept a box of them in a travel bag hidden somewhere in my room.

So I began my search and came across the box tucked away in a safe place. I was delighted. If it came down to it, I would indeed be making smart decisions. (Obviously after I made poor ones.)

And then it hit me….

Upon closer inspection of the condoms I realized that these condoms were expired. A whole entire box (minus two I may or may not have used) expired. This is a depressing feeling. Knowing at one point in my life I thought to myself, “dude, you’re getting tons of sex. You should totally get the box” and then having them finding them years later dusty and unused and having to throw them away because they were expired is quite the depressing realization. There is no greater indication as to how your sex life is going, then having to throw out an entire box of condoms.

It goes to show you guys, never get the box. Never. Get. The. Box.

However, I moved on. I had packed my backs loaded the iPod and made the 2 hour drive out the coast to partake in Big P’s wedding. I wasn’t in the wedding so the need for me to be there early was not necessary. I pulled into my hotel and immediately cranked on the AC. You see, I LOVE a cold hotel room. I mean that. I’m not just trying to say that for some sort of literary symbolism (although now that I mention it, my life is a cold hotel room. Empty, cold, and there is never anything on tv. Son of a bitch) I just really love when my hotel is like 62 degrees. It’s bliss.

I began preparations by pouring myself a Jack Daniels on the rocks. Broke out the ironing board, and decided to take a shower. I’m not sure how many of you know this, but drinking and then immersing yourself in any type of hot water tends to accelerate the drunken process on the way.

In my near drunken state I had a breakdown of sorts. I couldn’t decide whether or not I should wear shoes or flip-flops with my khaki’s, shirt, and tie. I decided to ask my friends on Twitter for a quick response, and was told (by ladies) it was indeed ok to wear flip-flops to a beach wedding. Whew.

I was lucky enough to get a hotel room that was essentially right across the street from the reception hall. This would allow for quite some stumbling to my room a great deal later that night. I walked to the reception hall where the hosts were providing drinks for the guests. One of the guests happened to be my ex-girlfriends best friend from college. She was there as a date of one of the groomsmen, so while he was away fulfilling duties, we hung out and became Date-Non-Date friends.

After sometime we were ushered outside, and boarded a private train that took us up to the beach where the wedding would take place. It was an amazing ride, and Gibbs was on board to show me the exotic locales of the Oregon Coast in which he grew up. It was a lovely trip but one couldn’t help notice that the sun had been quickly replaced by cloud cover and a bit of a chill.

We enjoyed a wonderful ceremony and found ourselves back on the train. The cold air had indeed stuck around, and made a certain girl with a blue low cut dress sitting across from me visibly chilled. Which I noticed. A lot. The same girl, I had noticed came with another nice young lady that was sporting a nice white blazer. It was deduced by me and Date-Non-Date that they were indeed a lesbian couple, to which I leaned over to DND and said, “shouldn’t she offer the lady her jacket? Obviously chivalry is dead in the lesbian community.” DND broke into some chuckles and we both had a great laugh.

For some reason, I couldn’t help but think I knew cute lesbian girl. (the one with the low cute dress not the blazer.) Turns out, she knew Big P from back in his cheerleading Power-Stunting days. It instantly clicked. Big P had met this girl Stunting, and brought her to our house one day. It was after practice and she showed up in our house still sporting her cheerleader uniform.

Anyone who knows me, knows that cheerleaders are somewhat Kryptonite to me. I don’t know what it is. But there she was, abs of steel, cute smile, and a cheerleader outfit. However, she was either just out of high school or still in. Either way, I let that one go as just another cute girl to come and go outta my life.

Until now. We re-connected based on the fact I said I had recognized her and began talking again. (Sidebar: The saying I recognized her was actually me trying to save myself from getting called out on staring at her rack.)
Me: “I knew you looked familiar!”
Cute Assumed Lesbian:” Really?!? I thought you were just staring at my rack.”
Me: “uhhh. Nope. Uh huh. No. Not me. You looked familiar.”
CAL: “uuuh huh. So you weren’t staring at my rack. At all?”
Me: “No. No I don’t think so. Sure it was me?
CAL: “ Yeah, the seats on the train were like 2 feet from each other. It was you.”
Me: “Hmmm…. Doesn’t sound like me.
CAL “Pretty sure you were. Like, I caught you.”
Me: “Shit. Yeah I was. But in my defense, you did look familiar.”
CAL: “That’s what I thought.”

She was indeed still cute, with a beautiful smile. While no longer a cheerleader, she did teach dance at a large studio back home. I finally got drunk enoughthe courage to ask her to dance. She agreed and what I thought was going to be a “clutch and sway” (as she called it.) Turned out to be a lesson on how to Waltz.

At one point, I actually said… “I really enjoy how your talking to me like a kid.” To which she replied, “Oh I’m sorry. Force of habit.” And “You’re doing really good.” With a slight smile and pained look on her face. I know when I’m being lied to. I did my best, and we actually danced for a couple of songs. Meanwhile, Blazer had been sitting at a table playing solitaire on her phone.

The night was coming to and end and CAL had to get going. I even got more drunkgot the courage to ask for her phone number which, she gave me and if we wanted to hang out again. It was a big win for straight guys hitting on Assumed Lesbians that night. I felt I did my team a great service and decided to celebrate with some more drinking. And by drinking I mean Keg stands with the bride. No joke.

We ended the night at some Coastie bar that was playing karaoke. The details here are really pretty fuzzy, so I can’t really give many details. I know Big P had his head down and his eyes closed. Gibbs had left. Date-Non-Date finally got some time to put the moves on her actual date. And I?

Well, I drank whiskey.

The night was good.

The moral of the story is… Just because a cute girl brings another girl wearing a blazer to a wedding, don’t automatically assume she’s a lesbian. For you never know.

And DON’T buy the Box!

Until next time…

Email me
SarcasmAsAWeapon@gmail.com





Who Says There Are No Jobs…..

6 08 2008

So as I have continued my search for a job, I decided I would start and document some of the job offerings that are just too good to be true. Here below are some of these said jobs. I can’t believe I’m still unemployed…….

(note: all of these are from Craigslist, I’ve eliminated the email for safety purposes, but other than that all of these are straight copy and paste…. I hope you enjoy.)



Pipe layer/ Top hand (Metro Area)

Reply to: job6@craigslist.org
Date: 2008-08-06, 6:22PM PDT

Who wouldn’t want to lay pipe for a living?


Farm Help Wanted (Amboy, WA)

Reply to: j.com
Date: 2008-08-06, 4:15PM PDT

Person to do mowing, weeding, fencing and other miscellaneous jobs on a small farm in Amboy, WA. High School or College student preferred. Driver’s Licence and car required. Send an email describing yourself with age, education, work experience, and reasons for wanting the job.

Location: Amboy, WA
it’s NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests
Compensation: $10

Like 10 an hour, or just 10 dollars. I need to know, cuase my dad makes me do this shit for free.


**Themed Interior Decorator ** (South East)

Reply to: gigs@craigslist.org
Date: 2008-08-06, 3:31PM PDT

I have approx. 1000 sq ft that I want decorated for the Holiday Season.
We will have Santa Clause & Helper including MANY children.

If you are interested and have at least some PROFESSIONAL experience please respond to this ad. Please send references and photos. Thank you.

What the fuck do you need a photo for? Is it so you can judge me and make a snap judgement on whether or not I look like a pedophile?


Who wants to fold my clothes??? I DONT!!! (NE MLK/Rosa Parks)

Reply to: gigs@craigslist.org
Date: 2008-08-06, 10:53AM PDT

I am hoping someone will have time this Saturday 8/9 morning to help me with a project that I have been successfully avoiding for a couple of months. I have more clothing than Mariah Carey. That may be a slight exaggeration but when its all over the upstairs of my house, it certainly feels that abundant. I am in need of someone to help me pick it all up, fold it, throw it in the wash, hang it up and generally battle the disorganization. Im guessing it wouldnt take more than a couple of hours at the most if the two of us were to get after it. Ideally I would like to start around 9 or 10 in the morning to have it all done before noon as my mother is coming to town for the weekend. Please let me know if you are available, your hourly fee, and a little bit about you (as Im letting you in my home) and we can discuss further details. Thanks!!

Clean your own fucking room…. shit…. lazy ass.


Live Sign (SW 185th & TV Hwy)

Reply to: carlosl@esigns.com
Date: 2008-08-05, 5:12PM PDT

We are searching for someone who is very neat and presentable, who enjoys being outside, interacting with passing motorists, helping direct traffic to a builder’s development, and who also likes to make SOME QUICK MONEY!!!
The builder requires the person to wear either khaki, or black pants (no denim, please), a white shirt with a collar (polo shirt type), and if possible, a white baseball hat.
You would hold onto a sign that is shaped like an arrow, moving the sign in the direction of the arrow (you may spin the sign at times) make eye contact with approaching traffic and smile and look like you are having a good time. Please bring your music and headphones, but no sitting or smoking while working. You will take a 1/2 hr break in the middle of your shift and two short 10 minute breaks.
This is a fun interactive job. The hours are 10:30 until 5 pm Sat and 11:30 am until 6 pm on Sun, or 6.5 each day.

My favorite part….. “you may spin the sign at times.” Fucking comedic gold.
Ps this job pays more than working part time at a radio station…. i’m just sayin.


Rock Band gamer needed for Saturday Concert (Portland)

Reply to: gigs@craigslist.org
Date: 2008-08-05, 1:13PM PDT

Pro Gamer needed, expert level on the game Rock Band @ the Motley Crue concert on Aug 9th, Saturday 3pm-10pm

Must be outgoing and friendly and able to talk to crowds of people as well.

If you can play the game and you would consider yourself an expert, please email your relevant experience, along with a photo (required) to (email deleted)
with the subject line “Portland Rock Band”

$14 per hr

This is like the holy grail of Jobs!
$14 an hour for Rocking My Face off! Shiiiiiiiiitttt sign me up!


I clicked on this in hopes of meeting Tony, Carmella, AJ, and Meadow. Damn.
Soprano Wanted! (Beaverton)

Reply to: gigs@craigslist.org
Date: 2008-08-03, 10:05PM PDT

Alto, Tenor & Bass looking for soprano to round out the group. Looking for someone that can read, solo and wants to get serious. We have the better part of two sets learned or close to learned, and are looking for someone that can jump right in.

Please do not call if you can’t read music.

PLEASE do call if you can!


From The Creators Of “The Alaskan Experiment” – New Casting Call (Nationwide)

Reply to: gigs@craigslist.org
Date: 2008-07-30, 8:51AM PDT

Discovery Channel, the network that brought you “The Alaska Experiment,” is currently casting its next Alaskan adventure. They’re looking for people who think they have what it takes to live and thrive in one of nature’s most brutal environments.

http://www.gotcast.com/casting-calls/Discovery-Channels-Alaskan-Adventure/51167

Location: Nationwide
it’s NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests
Compensation: no pay

No pay and a high chance of death…. Well if that’s not the opportunity of a lifetime, I don’t know what is!


Need Picnic Clown Saturday, August 30th

Reply to: gigs@craigslist.org
Date: 2008-07-29, 8:59AM PDT

Need an excellent, engergetic, fun, experienced Picnic Clown for Games, Balloons, ect for a non-profit picnic for Saturday, August 30th 12:30-3:30 pm.
Send Resume, References and fees. Will be at local park. Apx 150 people.

Who knew you could get a clown on Craigslist…. someone jot this down.


Do you have any CIRCUS-STYLE Talents? (Portland)

Reply to: gigs@craigslist.org
Date: 2008-07-28, 5:17PM PDT

I am putting together an event in mid-August, and I’m looking for talented folk to create a circus-like atmosphere. Pay is negotiable, but I don’t have the biggest budget for the event. Thanks in advance for your interest!

REALY!?!?!?


Barbershop Quartet for a phone in (Anywhere)

Reply to: gigs@craigslist.org
Date: 2008-07-24, 6:24PM PDT

I’m looking to sing to my wife and would like to have some musical backup. If your group happens to know “Take a Chance on me”, then please contact me. This can be in person or over the phone.

Location: Anywhere
it’s NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests
Compensation: $20 and potential future gigs

20 Bucks to copy The Office…. cheap bastard.
ps if she’s your wife, one would assume she “took a chance on you.” Dumbass.


Bagpiper! i need you… (portland)

Reply to: gigs@craigslist.org
Date: 2008-07-23, 10:59PM PDT

I need a bagpiper for a wedding on Sept. 28th, in the evening. Send me any info you have (blog, website, link to hear you play?) If not, no worries, we can meet!
Please email your rates also. I’m guessing I’d need you 1-3 hours, not sure of the plan yet.
Thanks!

WORST. WEDDING. EVER.


Looking for unique people with scars

Reply to: gigs@craigslist.org
Date: 2008-07-22, 5:39PM PDT

Don’t be shy, I know you might not usually want to show people your scar(s) but this is for an awesome project.
We are photographing scars for a project. Your face does not have to be seen if you do not want it to be.
We are aiming to have this series featured in a gallery and potentially a book.

Contact us for portfolio, information, and premise.

Finally my knife fight scar is going to pay off….


Sew Leather Pants (Portland)

Reply to: gigs@craigslist.org
Date: 2008-07-18, 12:17PM PDT

We are looking for someone that can sew a pair of custom leather
mens dress pants.
The pattern is made.
Please email, must have own industrial equipment

Finally the Boy Scouts have paid off!!!!


Albinos Unite and Takeover

Reply to: gigs@craigslist.org
Date: 2008-07-13, 6:48PM PDT

I am filming the opening sequence to my show, “Waking up With Alison Sumner” It is a one minute ditty where I transform from an Albino to a Unicorn and four sweet albinos are also singing and dancing awaiting their transformation. I am designing all costumes and sets myself so the sooner I get sizes/ measurements the better. It will be fun

If ONLY I were Albino…. *sigh*