Gladys Knight, Bridesmaids, and Tragedy on the Dance Floor pt. 2…

16 07 2008

Before you read further, if you haven’t done so already please read part one.


The setup of the wedding was gorgeous. It was almost as if the two places were entirely unrelated to each other. Quite the contradiction if you ask me… but what do I really know.

The bridesmaids began their ascension to said “altar,” my Ex being one of these bridesmaids. Now I’ve been to a lot of weddings. And I’ve seen some pretty decent lineups. But to be honest folks, this was probably the best lineup of bridesmaids I’ve ever seen in my entire life. From top to bottom all of the girls looked gorgeous.

What was more fun, was that I knew almost all of them from college. I think that made it even better. Sometimes people go on and thier metabolism kicks in, and they ultimately have no choice in the matter. Luckily enough, these women did not have this problem.

However, the problem they did have was that most of them (5 outta 6) were already married. Which, I mean, is cool for them. I’m not actually sure it’s even a “problem” I’m just saying for the entire group of single guys (RPG and I) it’s just sometimes nice to attend a wedding where some bridesmaids get hammered and make out with random people…. (I smell foreshadowing)

The vows were said, the “I do’s” exchanged, and the special just married music played. After a short stint, people started to go and get their grub on. RPG and I of course waited until the line got a lot shorter. It was so much that the line was long, but we had just cracked open two Corona bottles and felt the need to stay strong together seeing as we only knew each other, aside from the bridesmaids.

Our little table of gayness (I looked great, RPG looked smashing, both sitting with each other, sipping Corona bottles in the middle of PBR country) was soon to be broken up by our wonderful friend Meg and her mother. We took this fine opportunity to catch all three of us up on our life goings on. Let me tell, it’s exceedingly hard to try to impress people by commenting on the amount of gaming you have done in recent months. At some point you realize that your gaming skills and current living arraignments are not going to impress anyone. So you must try other things. I went with my drinking abilities.

It was soon after RPG, Meg, and I were all caught up with each other that the bridesmaids had started convening around our table. Apparently the only other people they knew at the wedding were RPG and I also. So we went from looking gay, to REALLY looking gay for the simple fact that ALL the women were around. We should have timed it so a couple would come up slowly as the night progressed. I’m sure we were a couple pillows, and a face mask short of a slumber party in most the wedding goers minds.

Aside from the slumber partyesque look of our table, it really was nice getting to talk to some old college friends, and actually get to see/talk to my “date.” Thats right for those of you scoring at home, The Ex and I hadn’t gotten the opportunity to chat until everything was all said and done. The Ex and I have quite the history. I could bore you all with it now, but I’m going to sum it up very quickly.

Not Together.
Dating Other People.
Lil Baby. (not mine.)
Not Talking.
Years Pass.
Friends Again.

That’s basically it. In a nutshell. Well, not so much a nutshell, but in word form.

Anyway, the night went on, and my date The Ex continued to drink a little bit more than she’s used to. I mean why not it is a celebration. RPG, Meg, the other bridesmaids and myself, all followed suit in drinking it up celebration style.

As it began to get dark we moved into the barn were it was lit up with tea lights, and white christmas lights all over. Again, it was like two weird worlds colliding to make me forget I was dancing in a barn.

At one point the younger people at the wedding formed two lines facing each other and two people matched up and danced down the middle of it. Similar to this scene in Hitch. It was a ton of fun. And yes, there was a robot or two. By me. There may have been a shopping cart maneuver. By me. And there may have been a dice maneuver made famous by Knocked Up.

However folks. This dice maneuver was NOT done by myself. At one point in the free for all dance off I was talking with a gentleman who was to go before me. As we were already on round three of four we both mentioned that we were running out of moves. As any white guy will tell you (aside from Justin Timberlake) our dance moves arsenal is very limited. So coming to the realization that I had one move left, I decided to say to this young gentleman….

Me: “Hey, I’m probably going to do the dice move…”
DANCE STEALER: “DUDE, sweet idea, I’m totally stealing it.”
Me: “Wait. What? Dude, you can’t……”

and with that he was off. Down the middle of the group with said hot bridesmaid pulling off what I can only describe as my stolen dance move. That bastard.

But now, I had to think quick on my feet. I didn’t have a back up move. I had to reach back into my mind… Find a dance move dammit! Find one quick!!!!!

And then it happened.

I panicked. The only thing that came to my mind was Jump On It from the Fresh Prince of Bel Air. And down the middle I went. It wasn’t the full dance, pretty much just the hip movements and maybe a little riding the pony. Maybe.

This my friends, however was NOT the tragedy on the dance floor that is mentioned in the title.

The wedding was coming to a close. So off we headed to change and get ready to meet up with all the wedding party at some bar in “town.” On our way back, a song came on the local radio station that RPG nor I had heard in years. Gladys Knight, Midnight Train to Georgia. I can’t tell you how much I love this song. Probably because I had forgotten how much of a classic it was and for the simple fact it wasn’t in my iTunes library.

So of course the system was cranked, and RPG and I shared another gay moment. Belting out at the top of our lungs, slamming my hands on the dashboard to the beat of the song, and all in all having a blast listening to the Pips, back up Ms. Knight as she carried us home. I’m smiling now just thinking about it again.

Back at Jenny’s place, RPG and I changed and waited for 3 of the bridesmaids including The Ex and Jenny, to meet up and head out. Jenny knew where we were going, so we all piled into the car and headed to the happening spot in Prineville on a Saturday night.

Now normally I wold remember the names of place we go so that I could write about them later. Unfortunately friends, I have no recollection of the name of the place we went. It really didn’t matter. We paid a 5 dollar cover (WTF?) and proceeded inside. We set up camp near the bar, thinking this would be the best place for us to readily get drinks when need be.

First round of drinks were on me. And once again, I found myself only buying a drink for RPG seeing as the minute the girls walked in the door, they were taken care of by all sorts of dudes. Can’t say I wasn’t a tad jealous. So gay moment number 12 for the wedding weekend.

We got our drinks and the greatest revelation came to me upon purchasing the round. According to my receipt, one Jack and Coke and one Coors Light came to approx $7. SEVEN DOLLARS! HOLY HELL this is great! I’ll be drinking all night! AND CHEAPLY! THANK THE LORD FOR SMALL TOWN ECONOMIES!!!

I decided that since I was drinking quite a bit at the wedding I would casually drink at the bar. Besides I wanted all my faculties for taking notes and people watching. But that all came to an abrupt end.

I guess its cool to adorn your little bar with metal high-backed chairs. I don’t think anyone would ever see this as causing a problem. Maybe it was because for the first time I decided to wear flip-flops out to a bar. And this was God’s way of punishing me. For somehow some way that chair came crashing down.


That is all I said as I stood there in the middle of our group. I took that son of a bitch like a man. Up here I would have looked around to see who’s ass I could kick. But I shortly realized I was a pilgrim in an unholy land. The only person to probably have my back would have been RPG, and while I would gladly take this on any given day, we were outnumbered. So, I just said fuck.

At first the pain didn’t kick in. Then I realized, that my toe had probably been broken under the weight of this massive metal chair. Upon further inspection I realized however, I was indeed bleeding. Upon further review with Meg’s camera, I realized my toe was indeed fucked.

The beer is definitely not mine.

The beer is definitely not mine.

It was at this point, that I realized I had no health insurance to help me out. So, instead of seeing a Dr. I did the next best thing. I drank. And friends I drank a lot to dull the pain. It worked. The pain had subsided for the night. Sort of.

However, I was not the only one drinking outta their minds. The Ex, decided she too needed some help from the mighty alcohol gods. So, there we all were. RPG, Meg and I to one side of the bar, and the bridesmaids and groomsmen near the other. Everyone having a good time…. when BAM! Everyone saw it coming except the two of them.

The Ex, and one of the groomsmen were making out on the dance floor. I’m not talking about a little kisses and pecks my friends, no it was full on making out. It was gloriously funny. I was proud of her. She was finally getting some from a decent guy after going months with dating douchebags and a-holes. (not me.) It was a site to see. I’m laughing now thinking about it.

The nights observations did not end there. As I continued to dull the pain, and The Ex continued to make out, I couldn’t help but notice a table of cougars ready to pounce. I’m not sure if it was me, or if it was RPG, but I do know, they wouldn’t let any little “young thing” stand in there way. They were on the prowl, and had we not hightailed it outta there, I reckon one of us would have been caught. A big thanks to the women who saved us from our impending doom.

Lastly. It is worth mentioning that Meg found a special place in my heart when she came up to me and was like, Look over there. There is a pregnant woman in a bar. Indeed folks, there was a VERY pregnant lady in the bar. It pained me to see the pregnant lady. I really had wished she had a kid there, so we could have all had the pleasure of quoting Sweet Home, Alabama (the movie not the song.) In saying… You have a baby. In a bar!

So, all in all I say this past weekend was a great success. Aside from my “date” making out with someone else. My toe getting black and blue, with a hint of red. And the long ass car rides (made enjoyable by both RPG, The Ex, and Ferguson.) Weddings are a great time. Seeing good friends after an extended period of time, is even better. Combine those two elements and what you get, is one amazing weekend.

Gladys Knight, Bridesmaids, and Tragedy on the Dance Floor pt. 1…

15 07 2008

I’m thinking that this little blog may be a two parter. I’m not sure yet. Obviously you’re going to know before I am based on the title. The title will remain the same, but in addition it will have a part 1 placed in the title. That’s how you’ll know before me that this is a two parter.

There is an epidemic that happens every summer. I’m pretty sure everyone is affected. You or someone you know has been touched by this epidemic that I for the for seeable future I don’t think will have any end in sight.

The epidemic I speak of boys and girls, are weddings.

Thats right, weddings. Every summer scores and scores of people are involved with a wedding of some sort. It’s somehow unavoidable. You think at some point you’re going to be in the clear, when all of a sudden you find yourself in a non air conditioned church, listening to a priest ramble on, wondering, how the hell I got here, and do I even know these two people. Hopefully you know the answers to most those questions.

I am one of those people that have been touched this summer. I was invited to a wedding of a college friend this past weekend by my ex-girlfriend in college.

With that being said, let me begin the long story. My roommate from college RPG and I had been in constant talks about him flying back out here to attend the wedding. The friend was both of ours but I hadn’t recently talked to her in a long time. That is where The Ex came in. She lived with the Bride and was friends with all of us. She not having a date asked if I would go with her. I said sure so the “date” was on.

RPG flew into town on the Friday before the wedding. In doing so he set up a little reunion of P.L.U.S. Team members for us all to get together. (PLUS team was Western Oregon Universities Freshman Orientation team of which I was a part of for a better part of 2 years.) So we all meet up at a nice little bar downtown and do what most PLUS team gatherings/meetings/parties consisted of. We drank. And we drank heavily. It’s good to know that some of us still have the good ole’ PLUS team attitude.

To my surprise my friend who we shall call Bam-Bam brought along two VERY good friends of mine that I haven’t seen in a couple years. Mr. Vidana and Slaton were brought along to enjoy this night of debauchery and shenanigans. And true to form, we got the night rolling by sharing stories of drinking, what we’ve been doing since college (or last seen each other.), rekindling old flames, and overall just realizing how much fun we all had together, and pretty much just how awesome we all were. I have to say it was a glorious night. One that didn’t see me reaching my bed till the wee hours of the morning.

So Saturday morning rolls around and RPG and I had decided to meet up and take the arduous task of driving 3 and a half hours down to a very small town in Eastern Oregon, named Prineville. Now for those of you new to this blog and me, you’ll not know, that I hate the outdoors. I hate being hot. I hate small towns. And if you know anything about the geography of Oregon, you’ll know that Prineville is all of the aforementioned things.

RPG and I decide that we need some food. So we stop off at a Carl’s Jr and I knew this was going to be a sweet little trip. Whilst inside of said Carl’s Jr. we couldn’t help but notice the abundance of cub scouts raoming the place. There literally had to have been 30 cub scouts with 5-6 of their leaders roaming around supervising. (I use that term loosely.) As we sat there and enjoyed our food, we couldn’t help but notice and make an observation.

RPG: “Aren’t scouts supposed to, I dunno, fend for themselves?”
Me: “I was thinking the exact same thing. Like, what the fuck are you guys doing at a Carl’s Jr.?” “Don’t you have some wilderness fire cooking a bear or something?”
RPG: “I know right?”
Me: “I”m pretty sure the decline of western civilizationis becuase the cub scouts of this country have gone soft.”
RPG: “I totally agree. No way I’d ever be a scout these days.”
Me: “well dude, that’s cause you’re like 28. I don’t think they allow scouts that old.”
RPG: “True, but still, I mean who’s thier role model these days?” “It had better not be that dude over there with the different colored handkerchief.” “He’s gotta be the one who suggested Carl’s Jr.”
Me: “Yeah but if you think about it, at 9 years old, if someone offered to take me to Carl’s Jr. and buy me the Capt N’ Crunch Milkshake, I’d be stoked, and he’d probably be my hero. Handkerchief or not.” “It’s also probably why I was a candidate for kidnappings.”
RPG “Probably right, but you know who’d make me want to be a scout?”
Me: …..
RPG: “Bear Grylls.” “That man is bad ass.”
Me: “FACT!” “Any man who picks up snakes, bends them almost in half, and eats them… is bad ass in my book!” “I may have even stayed in the scouts a lot longer had a I had a role model like him.” “Needless to say, I had the dude with the different colored handkerchief.”
RPG: “Bear Grylls would have used that handkerchief to kill someone you know…”
Me: “yeah.” “Scouts are such pussies.”

ps, Make sure to check out Bear Grylls on Man vs. Wild on the Discovery Channel.

So after our adventure at Carl’s Jr. we kept a heavy foot and drove all the way down to the bright lights of Prineville. Our drive was great. It’s always good to see and hang out with RPG. Good memories that we had for the 2 and a half years of living together. There was a lot of reminiscing about the times we had with the Ex, The Bride, and many others during our college days. The air conditioning, the conversation, and the gatorade made the trip very pleasant.

We got to the middle of nowhere and set up camp our friend Jenny’s parents home. Actually it was the “bunk house” is what it was called. It consisted of a large queen bed, and pull out couch and a Kitchen/bathroom area. Not the greatest accommodations in the entire world, but for one night, it was perfect. The fridge was even stocked with beer, so we were able to start a little bit early.

We decided to have a beer, and then relax. The tv in the room had the rabbit ear antenna so our choices of channels was very limited. We settled on watching EXTRA with Mario Lopez, which in hindsight was not the only choice the made us look gay. More on that in a bit.

We both dozed off for a nice little nap. Woke up to our cell phone alarms notifying us that it was indeed time to get ready. We both began to lay out our clothes and make final decisions on what to wear. RPG mentioned he was only going to wear a polo. To which I informed, that it was indeed a wedding, and at least a button down shirt would be appropriate. I couldn’t have been more wrong.

I decided to forgo the BR light colored suit that I had purchased last year, in favor of a white shirt, grey slacks, and black half boots. I busted out a black tie that had thin silver stripes in it. If the light caught it just right, it would look as if it was shiny/glittery. Which was good, for I call this tie, my stripper lure. Strippers LOVE glitter, so why not rock something that indeed resembles a little glitter… once they see it, they’re instantaneously attracted to it, and therefore, attracted to me.

Off to the wedding we went. Upon arrival, I immediately felt overdressed. As we were pulling up, I saw a gentleman in a button down shirt, jeans, and of course, his cowboy boots. In addition this man, was rocking probably one of the sweetest handlebar mustaches that I have ever seen. Props to you good man. props to you.

We parked the car on one side of the barn to get out and notice the wildlife all around. I felt so uncomfortable for I was indeed a “city kid” trying to look normal at this wedding. Sheep, Llamas, pigs, goats, cows, you name it. All there. I felt almost like a kid again and was about to pay 5 bucks to go inside the pens, and enjoy a little petting zoo magical journey! All of this came to an abrupt end, whilst passing the BBQ pit, and noticing that the nights main course was indeed spinning on it.

Now, many of you may be thinking that this was/resembled a white trash wedding. Well boys and girls, it was indeed not. We turned the corner around the barn, and saw a beautiful set up of tables with white linens, that surrounded a dock that jetted out into a beautiful lake. It was awesome. The aisle split down the middle of the tables and led straight to the “altar.” It was indeed a beautiful time.

to be continued….