The Extensions Strike Back….

30 07 2008

Well folks, I knew it had been a long time since I had written anything. I can tell because once every other day I’ll look at my blog and notice on the calendar nothing highlighted on any given day, because nothing has been written.

And to be honest, I feel as if I’ve let you guys down. (my three faithful readers thanks DZ and mom. PS Mom, please stop hitting the refresh button so I get more hits. Your son is not going to be a famous blogger, nor are you REALLY proud of my work.) I’ve let some vital information go on like it’s never really happened. And it’s some very important information people.

You see, couple months ago I had a little obsession on TV that was indeed Rock of Love 2. Where all these awesome little sluts would vie for the attention of one of my 80’s youth heroes Mr. Bret Michaels. Apparently Bret and AH-MBRE are no longer together and the great Extensioned One decided to take his show on the road… literally.

Now Bret is taking another stab at finding his perfect match in the ultimate rock and roller’s test…life on the road! Rock of Love Bus with Bret Michaels is set to premiere in early 2009.

“We are excited to hit the road for another season of Rock of Love,” commented Executive Producers Mark Cronin & Cris Abrego, “Nobody knows their way around a tour bus like Bret Michaels, and we are confident that the audience will enjoy the ride.”

How will Bret find a woman to ‘rock his world’ when his world is always moving? VH1 is loading up a tour bus filled with beautiful babes and taking them on tour across the country. Rock of Love Bus with Bret Michaels takes contestants out of the mansion and on the road in true rock star style. This season will feature all-new ladies vying for Bret’s affection while traveling across America following Bret on a month-long tour. The contestants will face new challenges to see if they can handle the rock star life on the road.

This time as the bus pulls into each new city, the girls will engage in challenges specifically revolving around Bret’s life on the road. Whether it’s greeting aggressive groupies with a smile, enduring grueling schedules, dodging the advances of the warm-up band or even stepping in last-minute to fill in for delinquent roadies – these girls will be put to the test. This season, as the Rock of Love Bus heads into America’s heartland, the show will be taking the viewer to a whole new level with crazy, fun, over-the-top challenges- imagine Truck Stop Olympics or a dance contest on top of the St. Louis Arch or even a BBQ cook-off beneath the World’s Largest Thermometer. And also, back by popular demand…Mud Bowl 3. Americana at it’s finest!

(courtesy of VH1.com)

SERIOUSLY??? A tour bus? lets actually take a moment boys and girls to go back and count the sexual innuendo of those last paragraphs… I counted 4. But that’s just me.

With the highest ratings ever to VH1 with Rock of Love, I wouldn’t be surprised if in fact the heads at VH1 were the ones that broke up Bret and AHMBRE. Kinda like some geniuses there decided to hire some sort of hot slutty intern just to hang around Bret and try to hook up with him. Once she finally succeeded the break up was on. Who am I kidding though. It’s not like sleeping with one little intern was going to break up the greatest TV couple of all time. AHMBRE probably would have turned the other cheek and continued auditioning for roles that call for a 26 year old. Low blow?

I can’t wait for this trainwreck of a show. Allegedly they’re also filming pretty close to where I live. Im partly considering seeing if I can’t just make it up to the locale and try to get my way onto the show. Much like I told Mr. Royal one time to tackle LC from the Hills cause his production company was filming at the Fashion Institute. That totally would have made the cut. Mr Royal tackling LC and yelling out Team Audrina…. I’d actually give my entire savings (read: $3.00 also the highest amount a good hooker should be paid) to see those events transpire.

Speaking of my little Audrina. At one point while working in radio I had some pretty decent connections with record labels. When I found out that our little Audrina was working at one, I quickly emailed my record rep from that company…. It went a little something like this.


To:RecordRep@epicrecords.com
From: Preston@clearchannel.com
Sent: January 25, 2006 10:23 am
Subject: Audrina

Deb,

Hey it’s Preston from K103 in Portland. I was just curious if you could hook me up with Audrina from the Hills? She works the front desk there.
ps. any new music you want me to hear?


To:Preston@clearchannel.com
From:RecordRep@epicrecords.com
Sent: January 25, 2006 10:26 am
Subject: Re:Audrina

Preston,

HA… are you serious?

Deb


To:RecordRep@epicrecords.com
From: Preston@clearchannel.com
Sent: January 25, 2006 10:30 am
Subject: Re:Re:Audrina

Lol. No. of course I’m not.

unless you can.


Needless to say I did NOT get a reply back. I’m not sure she took me very seriously after that. Then again, I’m not sure Audrina actually worked there. With all that being said, I’m not going to lie, (although this KILLS me inside) I’m excited for the new season of the Hills. I mean it looks, almost like they addressed all my problems with the other episodes. Except the whole Heidi/Spencer thing. I wonder if they realize that the whole world throws up at this continued high school bullshit? Then again if were pulling 100k an appearance fee I’d continue the bullshit too.

Sidebar: My new goal in life is to get appearance fees. Seriously. I just want to be cool enough that people want to pay me to show up and drink. I’m trying to figure out a way to do this. Actually… I’m just going to do that. When my friends call to ask me to hang out I will now just start to charge them.

Friend: “Hey man wanna go to Kells?”
Me: “Sure dude, it’ll be 100 bucks.”
Friend: “100 bucks? For what?”
Me: “It’s my appearance fee.”
Friend: “appearance fee to do what?”
Me: “Hang out and be awesome. You know, what I used to do for free.”
Friend: “You want a hundred bucks for that?”
Me: “I don’t see what the problems is…. it’s my going rate.”
Friend: “……..”
Me: “It’s a hundred bucks or you go by yourself.”
Friend: “Is it negotiable?”
Me: “No dude. You don’t see Kim Kardashian lowering her appearance fee.”
Friend: “I’ll pay for two Jack and Cokes, final offer.”
Me: “Done. I’m there.”

Anyway, the moral of this story is that The Hills returns to television very shortly, and yes my TiVo is set to start recording episodes.

Well folks, that’s about it for now. I’m thinking I’m going to be writing a couple more blogs this week, because I’m bored outta my mind again looking for jobs.

If you’d like you can now email.
SaracasmAsAWeapon@gmail.com

Until next time….

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I Hate Who I’ve Become…..

12 05 2008

So I broke down and actually watched the Hills “finale.” I know I’ve told many of you that I wouldn’t watch or write about it again. But I figured this was worthy of a little mentioning. I watched the episode online, (west coasters you can watch after 7 o’clock online. Totally saves your entire night. Trust me.)

I’m not going to go into how much I hate the people on this show. I’m not. My hatred has grown more and more over the past couple weeks, and as some of you know, it’s spilled over into my writings about the show. Well tonights episode was not unlike any other viewing, except my hatred grew even bigger. Since I was watching online, I was also chatting with a friend of mine, another devoted fan who I talk to about reality tv quite a bit.

What transpires next is a true account of what happened after the show had gone off the air. The names have been changed, but the words have not.

doubledown: FUUUUUUUCKKKKK!!!!!!!!!
licia00: whattttt
doubledownI just finished the “finale”
doubledown: I thought, I had sworn off the hills. Then the preview for “next season (august)” came up.
doubledown: I’m really fucking intrigued.
doubledown: fuck
doubledown: fuck
licia00: i know.
licia00: we’re going to get sucked in. face it.
doubledown: son of a bitch.
doubledown: i’m pissed.
licia00: we should have hills hate parties
doubledown: we should. wait… No we shouldn’t!!!
doubledown: fuck.
doubledown: i’ve let myself down.
licia00: it’s ok.
doubledown: I don’t think it is.
licia00: you think you’re the only one that hates themselves for watching the hills?
licia00: silly,.
doubledown: I don’t think I”m the only one…
doubledown: but i’m just sick to my stomach cause I tried telling myself, no more hills. I really did this time.
licia00: hahha
doubledown: I’m kinda upset you find this funny.
licia00: 😦 
licia00: dont be douchey, i’ll start calling you spencer.
doubledown: I just…. I’m just at a loss at the moment.
doubledown: and that my friend, was uncalled for.
licia00: haha
licia00: you have several months to rehab yourself of the hills
doubledown: Is this what a crackhead feels like?
licia00: most likely.
doubledown: it just hurts.
doubledown: and I know all summer long I’m goign to be all good, and not watch one rerun and try not to get upset when the “crew” shows up on the blog sites.
doubledown: but once August rolls around, I don’t know if i’m going to be able to resist that temptation.
licia00: im sure there are some groups we can join
doubledown: I really do hope so. I’m extremely dissapointed in myself.
licia00: we’ll get through this.
licia00: HA.
licia00: Hills Anonymous
doubledown: Like you know when you’re parents/best friends/significant others use the…… I’m not mad. I’m disappointed….. that’s the exact feeling I have now.
doubledown: Like future me is going to bitch slap me, and say I told you so back in May.
doubledown: really Hills Anonymous? HA?
licia00: also, HA as in…hilarity
doubledown: also very true.
licia00: i hate to love this show.
doubledown: me too.

I’m really dissapointed in myself friends. ugh.

maybe there’s a support group or something on Facebook.

god I hate me.





A Sports Rant, and The Hills

28 04 2008

I’ve been watching a lot of sports lately. Mostly a lot of soccer. I happen to love soccer. I’m a huge fan of Manchester United. There are a lot of people in the world that would call me a bandwagon fan, and while I can’t entirely deny that, I have a legitimate reason.

Back in the day before the widespread satellite phenomenon even extended cable didn’t offer that much soccer on TV. I’d been rasied playing soccer and it’s one of those things that, while I may not be the best at, I can definitely hold my own. So when European soccer was on TV most the time it was Liverpool or Manchester United. So I grew up watching Man U. And have to say, I totally fell in love with the club and it’s players. Namely one Eric Cantona. A French asshole (yeah that was a fan.) with a penchant for socring goals… along with coaches wives, which is how he ended up at Man U. Anyway, the point of this is, Man U’s season is coming to an end with a run at not only the English title, but the European title… I’m excited.

Strangely I’ve also been watching a lot of NBA basketball. Which really has surprised me. I’m not a fan of the NBA. I grew up being a fan of Michael Jordan and him leaving the NBA left something to be desired in watching a random game. Jordan is no longer around, and neither are my Chicago Bulls, so I’ve been rooting for Cleveland (with the second coming of Michael Jordan, in Lebron James) and of course the Boston Celtics.

Here begins my sports rant….
#1. Arena musical selections should really be carefully monitored. Whilst watching a Cleveland game, during one of their timeouts, I couldn’t help but over hear Sweet Caroline being played. WTF???? Sweet Caroline. The same song that is played at EVERY Boston Red Sox home game? Pull your head out Cleveland. But I mean I guess it’s to be expected, their fans aren’t very sports literate anyway. Their the same fans that thought towels were going to get them through the ALCS last year. PS… hey cleveland…. real stadiums have their own traditions. Real fans don’t need gimmicks. Of course I can’t fault you completely. You are the city that had their heart ripped out by Art Model. I apologize for that, but start building your fan IQ.

#1b Dear Salt Lake City,
Hi! We love that you are in the Playoffs this year. Seems like you guys do that a lot. Congrats to you guys. We’d like to bring a little something to your attention, and it has to do with your musical selection in the arena. We couldn’t help but notice that during a time out you were playing 2 Legit 2 Quit by MC Hammer. Really? Now we understand that 95% of your population is white and is in fact Mormon, and we also know that by those two facts alone, MC Hammer is probably one of the top sellers in the “rap” genre down there. But I have to say people, after doing a little research you would have though you guys could have just followed a strict musical selection of Jock Jams. Just put the CD in and press play during time outs. There are 5 discs so I’m pretty sure that should last you the playoffs.

It should also be noted in the the almost 10 years of Jock Jams, not once is 2 Legit 2 Quit on one of those albums. Something Salt Lake should probably be notified of.

#2.
Speaking of fan IQ… what the hell is Washington Wizards fans’ deal??? They have got to be some of the worst fans in the ENTIRE world. Slinging around a towel cause it was free, I can forgive that. Wearing all white to the arena cause it looks cool on TV, I can forgive that. What I cannot, and WILL not forgive is the intolerable chants of OV-ER-RAT-ED when LEBRON JAMES is shooting free throws. Seriously, who in their right fucking mind thinks Lebron James is overrated? Oh that’s right Washington Wizards Gaurd DeShawn Stevenson said this in an interview…

When he was leaving the building, Mike Lee was chatting him up and mentioned LeBron again. DeShawn has obviously heard enough of that.

“He’s overrated,” DeShawn told Mike. “And you can say I said that.”

You’ve got some balls Stevenson. Some huge balls…. but in reality, that’s about all you’ve got. I mean lets take a comparison…
LEBRON JAMES 4 Years Pro
points per game 27.3
rebounds per game 6.9
assists per game 6.6

DeShawn Stevenson 7 years pro
points per game 8.7
rebounds per game 2.4
assists per game 1.9

YOWZERS! I didn’t realize they gave NBA Contracts for Sucking. (I’m not claiming I can play any better, but I’m not calling out a future Hall of Famer. That of course is no knock to you DeShawn.)

oh by the way…. DeShawn…. I’m not sure if you know this, but Lebron has 34, 22, 30, and 32 points in the 4 games of the playoffs. I wouldn’t be looking for that defensive player of the year award anytime soon.

Anyway… on to some other things…. Like the Hills.

I’m really beginning to hate this show. I’m not going to lie. I wish they would move the point of focus off of Lauren, for in fact her life, is not only boring, but repetitive.

Like I know this show is targeted at younger females, but is this really what they like? A stupid girl who a.) won’t let go of a grudge b.) reverts to the same mistakes over and over c.) is completely spoiled outta her mind and doesn’t have to do a thing in life?

A. Lauren if you’ve got a sex tape…. let the world see it. And by the world I mean me. I can do a little photoshop editing and take good ole J-Wahls face outta there and insert anyone you’d like. (namely me.) If your supposed best friend is the one who released the tape, don’t be pissed at her…. stop making porn at her house. It’s just a common courtesy. I mean, my friends all know if they have sex at my house, not only will my mom be pissed, but I’ll be filming the shit to make the next set of car payments. This would also work out a lot better if any of my friends were famous.

B. Lauren, move on with your life. For reals. find some new blood in that pathetic little circle of friends you have. There are millions of people in LA. More than likely there are lots of dudes who would be willing to take a shot with you. Shit, my friend Mr. Royal lives in LA. I could set you guys up. He’s a cool dude. Please for the love of god stop recycling the dudes in your life. I don’t want to see Brody, (ps his girl is all sorts of smokin hot… and don’t think the world didn’t notice you look her up and down and judge. And yes… she’s prettier than you.) I don’t want to see Jason, and I sure as fuck don’t want to see Stephen. If I wanted to see Stephen again, I’d pop in my dvd’s of Laguna Beach. Of course then i’d be forced to watch Kristen Cavallari…. meow.

C.) I hate how spoiled you are LC. At some point I wish you would fall in love with some transient on the street, get married and have mommy and daddy disown you so you could enter the real world. I only say this because I am jealous of your house. It is very nice. Wonder what the monthly payments on that bitch are…

With all this said and done, it’s nice to see Justin Bobby looking normal. I’m not going to lie, I’m pretty sure the ladies love this “cat” looking clean cut. And now that he’s not looking/talking like a transient on a 4 day binger, I’m not sure I’ve got anything to make fun of him for.

Killer Boots Man!

For those of you missing some good ole fashion reality shows, here are some other shows you may want to catch….

Hells Kitchen
Deadliest Catch
The Alaska Experiment
American Idol (I know I know.)

enjoy your week…





Reality Round Up 4/21

21 04 2008

Hey everyone…

I’m going to be honest with you all…. this reality round up pains me to write. And, really, I don’t know if I’ll be writing another one. Unless I find another reality show that’s super trashy with one of my all time hero’s from the 80’s. And looking into the future, Indiana Jones, Marty McFly, Ralph Machio, Charles (In Charge), or Optimus Prime aren’t getting their own reality show any time soon. Which breaks my heart.

Bret Michaels gave us one of, if not THE, best reality show anti-hero of all time. My hat is off to you Bret. I really do admire you, in fact the thought had crossed my mind to grow my hair out long and luxurious, snatch a bandana from Wal-Mart, wrangle up 20 stippers/sluts/whores/groupies/news anchors and have them compete for my affections just for the sake of honoring you. And ONLY for the sake of honoring you, Bret.

The Rock of Love tour 2 has come to an end and I gotta say… what a shitty reunion show. I’m not even kidding. I thought for sure there would be more hashing of un-aired drama. More cat fights. More stripper maneuvers. More drinking, throwing up, and all around debauchery. I mean for fuck sake The Bachelor Reunion show has more drama. From what I’ve heard.

I’m not sure about any of you, but the part with Destiny really bothered me for some reason. I mean… I just don’t know what to say. I’m pretty cold hearted, and I don’t like people, but I have a huge soft spot in my heart for certain situations, and Destiny’s situation was definitely one. Poor girl had her dad die couple weeks before the reunion taping. Brought tears to poor Destiny’s eye, and had our Hero come to the rescue and console her. My heart goes out to her… that would suck relieving a moment he cherished on live tv.

All were not safe, as Bret brought up the front runner in my office pool. Kristy Jo. All I can say, is that Bret loves them crazies. And Kristy Jo takes the cake for that… TBIC. (That Bitch Is Crazy) Turns out her and her husband have reconciled and are now living happily ever after. No Fucking way! Just goes to show you will the wonders of a reality show never cease? I can only hope. Thank you Rock of Love season two for re-igniting these two crazy (literally) love birds almost failed marriage.

Last but gloriously not least is my favorite coke sniffing whore Daisy. Oh how I love you Daisy. Two things I’d like to bring up about my semi-retarded, mime in a box, fake breasted Daisy….
#1. Was it just me, or did it look like Daisy had some work done… in the face.
I came to the conclusion that she indeed did have work done. I also came to another conclusion that all the girls looked a little bit better at the reunion show. And this doesn’t make me gay, but it makes me look gay. The reason for the sudden turn-around in the appearance of the women… professional make up artists! All the girls had been doing there own makeup in the house and for the show, they have wonderful make up artists, to make them look “softer.”
#2. Was it also just me, or did Daisy sound articulate for once?
Seriously. Like very little hand motions. Full sentences. What in the hell is going on here? Where’ my girl… wheres my “Fricken” awesome down syndrome stripper? I was disappointed.

But the highlight of the show…. that’s right, Heather winning a gold medal in Weave Pulling. I mean for REAL! Did you see that shit! It was amazing. It was like Heather was a former hockey player (got the frame for it) and she pulled Daisy’s shirt over her head so she couldn’t fight back, then went to town wailing on her poor little head! Man! Craziness. I was kinda hoping for some blood, or at least a stray weave… but of course all I got was a broken bracelet from Rikki Rathman… who by the way… what the hell have YOU been doing? I mean Holy Headbangers ball Batman….

All in all, AHMBRE and our hero Bret are still together making sweet monkey sex. Which goes to show you ladies, if a man asked you to make sweet monkey sex you A.) Do it. B.) keep that man, for he is a keeper!

Sidebar: One time back in middle school we were all treated to the annual field trip of going to the zoo. (if you can already see where this is going, your powers of deduction are to great for you to be wasting them here! You must go! GO for the good of the city.*) During our trip to the zoo it was not only a great way of missing school, but the perfect opportunity to show that special young lady, just how much you care by purchasing her a Churro and a Soda and attempting to get to 1st base in the Atrium. Neither of these actually happened for me cause my mom was always too stubborn to give me any money to spend at the zoo. I did however have the sack lunch while other kids got to buy Penguin Pizza slices, Bear Burgers, and Fox Fries. But I digress, while walking through the monkey exhibit holding hands with my current hottie o’ the week, there they were…. in all thier amorous glory. Doing it. The monkeys felt it the perfect time to not only let us into thier wild kingdom, but help explain mammals having sex. Complete with visual aids. Needles to say, I did not get to first, or any base for that matter. But I can indeed tell you, when Bret asked AHMBRE for Monkey Sex, not only did i flinch and cringe, but I thought fondly of Michelle.

Sorry for the sidebar.

I know in my last two Reality Round Ups I’ve failed to mention American Idol, and I feel like a 14 year old girl, but watching two weeks ago (or so) David Cook did a version of Always Be My Baby, a cover of Mariah Carey, that literally gave me goosebumps… holy shit it was good. He completely transformed a girly pop anthem, into something dark and brooding that you could hear on alternative rock stations across the country… it was that good! Seriously. You can check it out at iTunes. It’s worth it.

David Cook, stepped forward to be my favorite.
David Archuletta, Brooke White, and Syesha Mercado are still sticking around…

Well here is the end of Reality Round up 4/21…. I’d write about the Hills, but seriously. This season really really fucking sucks.

But for those “fans” here are some highlights.

LC and Heidi can’t be friends.
I like that LO is back in the picture. She seems like a fun girl.
Spencer is still a complete douche. It also irritates me knowing that they’re making television appearances together. Search Regis and Kelly. OH, But here is something. If ANYONE can find Heidi Rapping on TRL, I’ll pay them 10 bucks… seriously. That was the most god awful display of a rich white bitch from beverly hills attempting to rap. God she sounded just like the way my grandma would rap… I’m not kidding.
Did anyone see that Justin Bobby came back? Ya did? Cool. Did you also notice when he made his appearance, he look like Don Quixote? Do a Google image search on that one…
I hope at some point those bitches aren’t famous. NO free handout jobs, no sweet ass house that no one I know at that age can really afford. I’m probably just a bit bitter.

whatever.

Reality Round up this week. Point. Less!

* Deduction portion of the blog is brought to you by the Comic Book Store Guy from the Simpsons. One of my all time favorite characters.





Reality Round Up 4/14

14 04 2008

I’m not going to lie.

I’ve been genuinely excited to write this particular blog. For you see, it was the final episode of Rock of Love season 2. Down to our very fine finalists, the tawdry twosome, the dirty duo, lady and the tramp…. Daisy and AHHHMBRE.

The episode starts out with Bret taking the fine ladies to the wonderful beaches of Cancun Mexico. Which I’m 100% postitive that wasn’t his idea, it was the shows producers to get a little sun and some sweet mentions on TV about a hotel they now don’t have to pay for. I’m sure Bret would have been just as happy taking those girls down to the local 7-11 and making the final cut over his shoulder, as he pours himself a slurpee! Then again, that would probably be some sort of sweet product placement deal that our man Bret just would have missed the boat on.

So once in Cancun the ladies get to talking and they basically have an epiphany that one of them is going to win. So obviously the claws come out and they begin to tear each other down. Which if you think about it, isn’t really a fair fight. And I actually took some offense to it. There is no way that this was a fair fight. I mean how are you going to lose an argument against someone with Down Syndrome. Honestly, poor little Daisy had no way to defend herself. Which basically just made this entire paragraph, Point. Less. (I just actually chuckled at that. I re-watched it in my head, and it’s still funny two days later.)

Here are some of my favorite highlights from the two fights that Daisy and AHHHMBRE have…

#1. From AHHMBRE to Daisy. “Surgery can make me hotter, Surgery can’t make Daisy smarter.”

#2. Did anyone else notice in the fight that AHHMBRE was about to say, “I’ve always tried to be amicable with you.” But mid-way through the word amicable she realized Daisy wouldn’t have the foggiest fuckin idea what the word Amicable means? I thought it was awesome… came off something like this..
“Daisy I’ve always tried to be ami…. I’ve always tried to be cool with you.” Classic. I loved every second of that.

#3. Now this part I’m a little lost on, because of my lack of knowledge, I am just curious as to why strippers always get upset when people call the strippers??? Heather did it last season, but I think she was more upset at the fact the everyone kept focusing on it. (Probably cause it shocked them that someone that old was still stripping. I mean, I thought once strippers had thier college education paid for they quit.) But Daisy gets all defensive in her battles with AHHMBRE when not only does Daisy point it out…. “you called me a stripper,” AHHMBRE reinforcese this factual statement… “it’s your occupation.” HOW DARE SHE!!! Call my little coke whore a stripper? She my friends is an exotic dancer. You know how I know, She dances to You Shook Me All Night Long, by AC/DC and they’re Australian.

Anyway, Bret and AHHMBRE have a fantastic date. Of course the date, made it a point to showcase all that the hotel has to offer, and being the consumer whore that I am, I must admit it looked pretty tempting to book a vacation and stay at that hotel (great success VH1. Great Success). Although I was waiting for Bret to take Daisy swimming with the dolphins and low and behold we find out she can actually speak to dolphins. Wouldn’t that mess with peoples heads?

So Bret and AHMBRE have a private dinner after AHMBRE finishes fighting with a slow kid in their hotel room. Which brings me to one of, if not THE, funniest moment of the entire season. In which AHHMBRE reveals to our hero Bret that she is indeed wearing no underwear. I couldn’t believe what I had just seen on TV. It was as if AHMBRE had snuck in some Kryptonite and BAM! Superman is powerless. I even think I saw Bret’s hand shake while holding a glass. As if he KNEW he had been bested. Her powers of Kryptonite were no match to his great resolve. Superman, my friends, had been killed.
(Ps how awesome was it that they chose America The Beautiful to play as the background music upon the revelation of AHMBRE going commando!)

So day two brings us to Diasy’s date with a much less powerful Superman. He had been exposed to a great deal of Kryptonite and I was unsure if Bret was going to be able to continue. Sure enough, he proved his mettle sacked up and continued his luxurious all expenses trip to Cancun mexico, wait, I mean the final date with Daisy. He decided to take our girl on a huge yacht and go deep sea fishing.

All my life, all I’ve ever really wanted was a huge Marlin with a huge sailfin, arched across my wall in all it’s stunning dead glory. This folks is not a joke. So needless to say I was a bit jealous with the thought of Daisy going deep sea fishing with Bret Michaels. It didn’t really matter because our heroine got sea sick and they had to pull into port. (sexual innuendo intended.) What I found amazing about the date was the “conversation” between Bret and Daisy on the boat. I can’t even remember what they were talking about, but I do remember it made Ms. South Carolina look like a Rhodes Scholar. Literally.

Bret has a very meaningful dinner with Daisy in which she baiscally shoves AHMBRE under the bus, and we get more awesome interview with Daisy herself. Which brings me to this point. Does Daisy know sign language? Is she a professional mime? Am I missing something with the hands waving all the time? Is she secretly giving sings to the runner on second? I don’t get it. Half the time I don’t know what the fuck is going on, cuase I’m so intrigued by Daisy’s flamboyant gestures. Maybe it’s something she learned from her stripping mentor. You know just a regular old school stripper, who back in the day totally believed that Jazz Hands raked in the money, and enabled patrons of the strip club believe you were a classically trained dancer…. that has to be it… Jazz Hands compliment every speaking engagement.

So, it’s down to elimination time. I could not be more proud of the producers at VH1. If anyone one of you have seen Team America, then you know exactly where I’m going……

WE’RE GONNA NEED A MONTAGE!!!!

no montage is complete without a DVD/CD offering/walk on the beach at sunset. By the way, make sure to pick up Bret’s new solo album.

So here we have it, in the end, Bret picks AHMBRE complete with pretentious spelling of her name and all. Which in the end, I’m not going to lie, made me happy. It was a great way for the show to go out, plus had he picked Daisy, she wouldn’t have cried, hugged him and left HUGE mascara stains all over his Domo arigato, Mr. Roboto suit. (headband not included.) Although it did leave her, and I quote, “heartbroken as fuck.”
(p.s., by quoting other peoples usage of the word fuck, it does not count towards my general usage of the word, therefore allowing me to use it previously/later in the blog with out penalty.)

So there you have it folks, the end is here. We’ve all finsihed our tour on the Rock of Love 2. Hopefully we will all have our lives return to some normalcy when the reunion show airs this Sunday night on VH1. You can bet I’ll be there with my popcorn in hand watching Heather beat the living daylights out of a coke sniffing stripper with down syndrome.

Hey, I wonder if this is how Heather solved all of her money disputes with other strippers…..

I will however, leave you with this one thought, that, for someone who appreciates fashions has had me in a bit of a twist for a couple of days….. is turquoise making a comeback, and no one told me???

Since this was such a huge blog, I’m going to keep the Hills recap pretty short. Nothing really gigantic happened in this episode, aside from Spencer being a douchebag and started hitting on girls at a bar that Heidi was at? What the fuck (dammit, my bad) is that all about. I mean if you’re going to go out and name drop yourself at least do it at a bar where she wont see you. This guy knows NOTHING about how to cheat on women behind their back, even when you’re on a break. He should take some lessons from Ross Gellar, he knew what to do.

Speaking of being on a break, what is this relationship vacation that Hiedi and Spencer speak of. How does one obtain a “relationship vacation?” I mean, is it in relation to how many days you put into the relationship? Like you put in a year get 10 working days off? Can I carry over some sick time if I have used all my Relationship Vacation time? If I don’t use my relationship vacation time in one year, does that vacation time parlay into another year? I just want to know my options for the next time I’m in a relationship. That way, I’ll be up to date on how much vacation time I get, which basically in turn lets me know how many girls I can sleep with until my vacation is over…. which, ultimately, is exactly what Spencer is thinking. (not that I didn’t either. I’m just saying. Relationship Vacation sound like a surprisingly attractive deal. Which I’m trying to wrap my head around, because based on the conversation it was Heidi’s idea.) Great, now my head hurts from trying to wrap my head around Heidi having a “good” idea.

Fuck.

My love affair with Rock of Love, is over. My tour ends here.





Reality Round Up 4/7

8 04 2008

Can I just say, what a great couple of days in the world of reality TV.

First things first, we start off with American Idol.

David. Check.
Brooke. Check.
Syesha. Check.

Moving on.

So Rock of Love season two continues with our Heroines back at home after a harrowing couple of days in Las Vegas. Bret decides to be the “nice guy” and bring in the parents of the final three girls. Destiny, AHMBRE, and Daisy. But wait, there is a catch. Turns out our favorite Daisy doesn’t have parents. That’s right folks she was a bastard child raised by wolves in the desert. Only to be found by a Bear and Jaguar and raised as a man cub….. wait. Shit, my bad that was the plot to Disney’s the Jungle Book. (Also Ruyard Kiplings book. geeks.)

Daisy doesn’t have parents, instead she has her ex-boyfriend, Charles’ sister representing her parents. Is it just me or would this be a problem in everyday dating. Like EVERYTHING about Daisy’s life revolves around her legs wrapped around a pole, and Charles. If Bret were smart, he’d be cutting her ass faster than Destiny cuts her wrists at an Emo show. (low blow?)

Later on in the episode, we find out that AHMBRE, is actually rocking the ripe old age of 37, NOT 31 as she previously told the girls and Bret Michaels. Leave it to good ole dad to rat you out. Like what the hell was he thinking? He’s gotta be wanting a grandchild or two, ratting out your daughters REAL age isn’t actually going to help things DAD? Good Lord what a jerk. I’m thinking Dad’s in for a world of hurt when it comes down to AHMBRE picking out his retirement home. More than likely it’s actually just going to be in AHMBRE’s house down in the basement with all of her cats keeping him company while the kids who live on the street keep shouting “Don’t go to Crazy Lady AHMBRE’s house, there’s a something alive in the basement!!!”

Right before elimination we find out that AHMBRE and Daisy are both in love with the Hero Bret Michaels, while the party hard groupie chick Destiny is not.

In literature, we are taught that sometimes the main character has a fatal flaw that he or she cannot see. While some people it’s hidden deep within emotions or an action they make, others it’s so obvious a coke sniffing stripper can figure it out. And so we had the BEST elimination ever. As Bret confronts Daisy with more skeletons in her closet, she flips it around and calls out Destiny on her fatal flaw of lack of Love for Bret. Which in turn leaves Bret no choice but to eliminate Destiny, and let her get back to her groupie loving ways. Which in all honestly is where she’d rather be in the first place. ps Destiny, it’s called Rock of LOVE, not Rock of Have sex with another person in a band on national TV.

One thing that would piss me right off, is getting a tattoo, and then getting my ass cut. Of course that is me, and not Destiny, so she’s probably ok with it. I mean, it sucks that you got that tattoo, but hey, it’s ten times better than getting your rack signed with a sharpie!

So now on to the Hills. Which again was a 2 episode night. I really wish they would stop doing that, casue it’s really effing with my mojo. I want ONE clear concise episode. But what I’m getting is one pretty good episode, followed by another episode, that just bugs the shit out of me with the previews for next week leaving me wanting more. (Good lord that was one awesome run on sentence. And I don’t even care!)

I’m going to mainly deal with the first episode, cause as previously stated the second episode sucked.

LC and Stephanie are becoming close friends through thier class together at some fashion shmashion place in LA. While this is ok for LC, Spencer, Heidi, Audrina and recently welcomed back LO all have a problem with her being in LC’s life. Which is understandable… she’s a meth head and a thief. Might want to keep an eye on that classy little piece of work.

While people don’t exactly like the new freindship, I freakin LOVED Stephanie in last night episode! And basically it’s because she talks shit to Spencer so much. If they weren’t related I would swear she hates him. I do.

Which reminds me, did anyone see that Spencer got his own advice column? Really this douchbag gets his OWN advice column. Who the fuck was the editor in chief of that magazine? Lets take a look at his first Q&A ….. It’s entitled… Yo Spencer!

YO SPENCER! How do you deal with weak people and haters?
With weak people, you can only try to give them confidence and pump them up. To be honest, you don’t need them around you. I try to put myself around really strong people. Haters you should love. Hatred stems from jealousy at some point. If people aren’t hating on you, they don’t care, and if they don’t care, that means you’re not doing anything right. I love my haters. I don’t hate them back at all. You can turn so many haters around once they meet you. I’m like, “Thanks, I get it, I’m an idiot,” and they’re like, “Woo! He’s an idiot! He’s so cool!” I flipped a couple haters at Benihana just last night.

I seriously hate that guy.

ps, if I ever meet Spencer, there will be no turning me around. I hate that guy.

So anyway, the show ends, with all of the girls questioning friendships etc etc…. oh and LC and Brody have lunch. Which leads me to another point. When he called her out about being dumb in the club and saying “where’s your girlfriend??” I was just waiting and hoping she was replied, “yeah, that was my bad, I was pretty shitfaced that night.” Not once has that ever happen. How am I supposed to believe that people that go out that much don’t get hammered on a consistant basis. I know I did. And hell there were lots of mornings where I’d say…. yeah I’m sorry I said that… I was really wasted. Give me some reality MTV I can take it. I don’t need a veil over my eyes. If I wanna see some LC drunken stupor I should be able to!

I almost forgot…. this epiphany hit me while watching the Hills last night. Let me know what you think.
Hiedi Montag

Yeah?!?!? Anyone? Bubbles from Finding Nemo, and Heidi??

Sorry, I really feel as if I’ve rambled for too long so I’ll leave you with a synopsis of episode 2. Audrina and Heidi become friends again. Whitney shows up some other girl at work (could have been episode one.) LC helps out Whitney at Work…. Whitney’s boss is still cranky and old. (Probably single) Audrina borrowed one of Justin-Bobby’s head wraps. All ends well until next week.

If you’ve read this far, I want to thank you…. I really do appreciate it. I’ll leave you with some other reality shows that have come back that I’m obsessed with. #1 Top Chef on Bravo, and Hells Kitchen on Fox. Not sure anyone cares enough to have me review them, then again not sure any cares enough to have me review these shows. Basically all I”m saying is check those shows out too… I don’t think you’ll be upset!





Reality Roundup 3/31

31 03 2008

Well boys and girls here comes another installment of Reality Round-Up… where I basically give you MY opinion on MY favorite reality shows.

With that being said, I’m still digging American Idol. Only because my 3 favorites are still around. Brooke, David, and Syesha. There we go… that sums up that show.

On to my favorite of all time. Rock of Love. This week Bret decides to take all the lovely (not a word I’d use) ladies to Las Vegas for a weekend of fun and debauchery! Heather is still around and she decides to play Puppet Master with these highly intelligent bachelorettes. Which pretty much means she can bend them to her will, cause, for the most part they believe every word that comes out of Heaters mouth, and she can kick all their asses. At once.

So she targets both Destiny and Ambre (ps this is probably the most effed up thing about Ambre… it’s the way her name is being spelled. Ambre? WTF kinda crap is that? Every time I see her name splashed across the screen, I feel like I’m watching the episode of 90120 where the girls have the sleep over and the mean bitch gives Aundrea shit for saying her name AWE-NDREA….instead of AN-DREA. It’s all a little pretentious. And yes, I learned about the word pretentious from Beverly Hills 90210.) She essentially gets them to turn on our beloved special needs child, Daisy.

Meanwhile back at the golf range, Jessica attempts to win Brets heart by making out with him after every shot. Here’s the rub. The girl played golf in high school (not shocking cause all the innocent girls I knew did too) and she turned out being really good at golf… what sucks was the whole point of golf is to get the lowest number of shots. Which in turns mean making out the fewest amount of time possible. Which also lead to Destiny lifting her skirt in the air, and showing Bret her ass…. very much like a dog in heat. Coincidence i think not.

After the golf date the girls return home to Daisy and AHMBRE who are excited for their steak dinner with Bret Michaels. Nothing says American more than steak ladies and gentlemen. Whilst there Bret attempts to have a heart to heart with Daisy but realizes that talking to her is getting him nowhere. So he takes out his key and jingles them around, getting quite the reaction from Daisy. Ooooooh Shiny. (So what if this scene didn’t actually happen on the show. It happened on my couch during the commercials.) AHMBRE now decides her new found hatred for the “Special One” shall now come to light. AHMBRE attacks Daisy left and right attempting to make her look bad. Which is something that is

    awfully

hard to do when Daisy’s main argument is this…. Daisy’s Boobs It’s a losing battle AHMBRE.

Long story short, the girls (aside from Jessica) all lay into Daisy about her living situation and her ex Charles. She gets upsets, starts stuttering like she’s got turrets, all in all bad night for Daisy. Bret has to leave, giving the sole responsibility to Big John to take care of the ladies. Score.

The next day Bret meets with Jess and Daisy. He give Jessica the kiss of death by saying “she’s not Jaded,” which she’s not. If she had really wanted to prove that she wasn’t innocent she would have oiled herself up and done him in the bowling alley. Nothing says I’m not innocent like screwing in a bowling alley. Which is funny cause that is synonymous with being white trash.

Daisy’s meeting didn’t go quite as planned. As it turns out, Daisy had a previous encounter than none other than CC Deville! CC DEVILLE????? That’s right Bret’s former Band mate from Poison had been hanging out with Daisy. Of course Bret asked Daisy if they had shared a physical relationship to which she replied no.

Which actually got me to thinking. Is Bret REALLY that concerned with a girl that may or may not have had sex with a band mate? I mean, is he more upset that they may have had sex seperately? Cuase I’m almost positive that Bret and CC probably “shared” a woman or two back in the 80’s. Think about it people it was the 80’s, they were a hair band, cocaine was in supply, they had to have done it at least once. Right? I mean why else would you be in a band?

Anyway, the kiss of death proved fatal to our sweet little Jessica and Bret eliminated her at the end. Which, I’ll take this time to publicly say, my friend Blondie was right. I missed out on Brets overwhelming desire to have crazy bitches with huge breast hanging around, and predicted Heathers hatred for Daisy would get her ass sent home. Alas, not having sex on a golf course/bowling alley is actually your downfall.

Pour one out for our sweet Jessica.

I’ll keep this one short, because lets be honest… the two episodes of The Hills tonight sucked. Like really bad sucked. Nothing happen. I feel as if a lot of it is building for some other life altering events, but as for these two episodes. Lame. So here’s the rundown.
Lauren goes to school. (ps was it just me or did LC look way hot in the secretary/librarian glasses?)
Spencer still a douche.
Spencer’s sister, goes to school with Lauren… budding freindship that can only result in drama.
The big news, i think is Whitney moved on from Teen Vogue on to some other fashion thingy. I’m pretty sure our friend Whitney is going to fail at this job, becuase she’s so nice and her boss is pretty blunt and seems tough. To characteristics that I think may trouble the heroin.

Which, leads me to this, and it will be my last for this reality roundup. Is it just me, or are the ladies of fashion really weathered looking? I mean I understand that their jobs create a lot of stress, and anxiety, but seriously. Those two ladies looked mean, and tough, and not very nice. But kudos to them for climbing the corporate ladder!