Reality Round Up 4/14

14 04 2008

I’m not going to lie.

I’ve been genuinely excited to write this particular blog. For you see, it was the final episode of Rock of Love season 2. Down to our very fine finalists, the tawdry twosome, the dirty duo, lady and the tramp…. Daisy and AHHHMBRE.

The episode starts out with Bret taking the fine ladies to the wonderful beaches of Cancun Mexico. Which I’m 100% postitive that wasn’t his idea, it was the shows producers to get a little sun and some sweet mentions on TV about a hotel they now don’t have to pay for. I’m sure Bret would have been just as happy taking those girls down to the local 7-11 and making the final cut over his shoulder, as he pours himself a slurpee! Then again, that would probably be some sort of sweet product placement deal that our man Bret just would have missed the boat on.

So once in Cancun the ladies get to talking and they basically have an epiphany that one of them is going to win. So obviously the claws come out and they begin to tear each other down. Which if you think about it, isn’t really a fair fight. And I actually took some offense to it. There is no way that this was a fair fight. I mean how are you going to lose an argument against someone with Down Syndrome. Honestly, poor little Daisy had no way to defend herself. Which basically just made this entire paragraph, Point. Less. (I just actually chuckled at that. I re-watched it in my head, and it’s still funny two days later.)

Here are some of my favorite highlights from the two fights that Daisy and AHHHMBRE have…

#1. From AHHMBRE to Daisy. “Surgery can make me hotter, Surgery can’t make Daisy smarter.”

#2. Did anyone else notice in the fight that AHHMBRE was about to say, “I’ve always tried to be amicable with you.” But mid-way through the word amicable she realized Daisy wouldn’t have the foggiest fuckin idea what the word Amicable means? I thought it was awesome… came off something like this..
“Daisy I’ve always tried to be ami…. I’ve always tried to be cool with you.” Classic. I loved every second of that.

#3. Now this part I’m a little lost on, because of my lack of knowledge, I am just curious as to why strippers always get upset when people call the strippers??? Heather did it last season, but I think she was more upset at the fact the everyone kept focusing on it. (Probably cause it shocked them that someone that old was still stripping. I mean, I thought once strippers had thier college education paid for they quit.) But Daisy gets all defensive in her battles with AHHMBRE when not only does Daisy point it out…. “you called me a stripper,” AHHMBRE reinforcese this factual statement… “it’s your occupation.” HOW DARE SHE!!! Call my little coke whore a stripper? She my friends is an exotic dancer. You know how I know, She dances to You Shook Me All Night Long, by AC/DC and they’re Australian.

Anyway, Bret and AHHMBRE have a fantastic date. Of course the date, made it a point to showcase all that the hotel has to offer, and being the consumer whore that I am, I must admit it looked pretty tempting to book a vacation and stay at that hotel (great success VH1. Great Success). Although I was waiting for Bret to take Daisy swimming with the dolphins and low and behold we find out she can actually speak to dolphins. Wouldn’t that mess with peoples heads?

So Bret and AHMBRE have a private dinner after AHMBRE finishes fighting with a slow kid in their hotel room. Which brings me to one of, if not THE, funniest moment of the entire season. In which AHHMBRE reveals to our hero Bret that she is indeed wearing no underwear. I couldn’t believe what I had just seen on TV. It was as if AHMBRE had snuck in some Kryptonite and BAM! Superman is powerless. I even think I saw Bret’s hand shake while holding a glass. As if he KNEW he had been bested. Her powers of Kryptonite were no match to his great resolve. Superman, my friends, had been killed.
(Ps how awesome was it that they chose America The Beautiful to play as the background music upon the revelation of AHMBRE going commando!)

So day two brings us to Diasy’s date with a much less powerful Superman. He had been exposed to a great deal of Kryptonite and I was unsure if Bret was going to be able to continue. Sure enough, he proved his mettle sacked up and continued his luxurious all expenses trip to Cancun mexico, wait, I mean the final date with Daisy. He decided to take our girl on a huge yacht and go deep sea fishing.

All my life, all I’ve ever really wanted was a huge Marlin with a huge sailfin, arched across my wall in all it’s stunning dead glory. This folks is not a joke. So needless to say I was a bit jealous with the thought of Daisy going deep sea fishing with Bret Michaels. It didn’t really matter because our heroine got sea sick and they had to pull into port. (sexual innuendo intended.) What I found amazing about the date was the “conversation” between Bret and Daisy on the boat. I can’t even remember what they were talking about, but I do remember it made Ms. South Carolina look like a Rhodes Scholar. Literally.

Bret has a very meaningful dinner with Daisy in which she baiscally shoves AHMBRE under the bus, and we get more awesome interview with Daisy herself. Which brings me to this point. Does Daisy know sign language? Is she a professional mime? Am I missing something with the hands waving all the time? Is she secretly giving sings to the runner on second? I don’t get it. Half the time I don’t know what the fuck is going on, cuase I’m so intrigued by Daisy’s flamboyant gestures. Maybe it’s something she learned from her stripping mentor. You know just a regular old school stripper, who back in the day totally believed that Jazz Hands raked in the money, and enabled patrons of the strip club believe you were a classically trained dancer…. that has to be it… Jazz Hands compliment every speaking engagement.

So, it’s down to elimination time. I could not be more proud of the producers at VH1. If anyone one of you have seen Team America, then you know exactly where I’m going……

WE’RE GONNA NEED A MONTAGE!!!!

no montage is complete without a DVD/CD offering/walk on the beach at sunset. By the way, make sure to pick up Bret’s new solo album.

So here we have it, in the end, Bret picks AHMBRE complete with pretentious spelling of her name and all. Which in the end, I’m not going to lie, made me happy. It was a great way for the show to go out, plus had he picked Daisy, she wouldn’t have cried, hugged him and left HUGE mascara stains all over his Domo arigato, Mr. Roboto suit. (headband not included.) Although it did leave her, and I quote, “heartbroken as fuck.”
(p.s., by quoting other peoples usage of the word fuck, it does not count towards my general usage of the word, therefore allowing me to use it previously/later in the blog with out penalty.)

So there you have it folks, the end is here. We’ve all finsihed our tour on the Rock of Love 2. Hopefully we will all have our lives return to some normalcy when the reunion show airs this Sunday night on VH1. You can bet I’ll be there with my popcorn in hand watching Heather beat the living daylights out of a coke sniffing stripper with down syndrome.

Hey, I wonder if this is how Heather solved all of her money disputes with other strippers…..

I will however, leave you with this one thought, that, for someone who appreciates fashions has had me in a bit of a twist for a couple of days….. is turquoise making a comeback, and no one told me???

Since this was such a huge blog, I’m going to keep the Hills recap pretty short. Nothing really gigantic happened in this episode, aside from Spencer being a douchebag and started hitting on girls at a bar that Heidi was at? What the fuck (dammit, my bad) is that all about. I mean if you’re going to go out and name drop yourself at least do it at a bar where she wont see you. This guy knows NOTHING about how to cheat on women behind their back, even when you’re on a break. He should take some lessons from Ross Gellar, he knew what to do.

Speaking of being on a break, what is this relationship vacation that Hiedi and Spencer speak of. How does one obtain a “relationship vacation?” I mean, is it in relation to how many days you put into the relationship? Like you put in a year get 10 working days off? Can I carry over some sick time if I have used all my Relationship Vacation time? If I don’t use my relationship vacation time in one year, does that vacation time parlay into another year? I just want to know my options for the next time I’m in a relationship. That way, I’ll be up to date on how much vacation time I get, which basically in turn lets me know how many girls I can sleep with until my vacation is over…. which, ultimately, is exactly what Spencer is thinking. (not that I didn’t either. I’m just saying. Relationship Vacation sound like a surprisingly attractive deal. Which I’m trying to wrap my head around, because based on the conversation it was Heidi’s idea.) Great, now my head hurts from trying to wrap my head around Heidi having a “good” idea.

Fuck.

My love affair with Rock of Love, is over. My tour ends here.





Reality Round Up 4/7

8 04 2008

Can I just say, what a great couple of days in the world of reality TV.

First things first, we start off with American Idol.

David. Check.
Brooke. Check.
Syesha. Check.

Moving on.

So Rock of Love season two continues with our Heroines back at home after a harrowing couple of days in Las Vegas. Bret decides to be the “nice guy” and bring in the parents of the final three girls. Destiny, AHMBRE, and Daisy. But wait, there is a catch. Turns out our favorite Daisy doesn’t have parents. That’s right folks she was a bastard child raised by wolves in the desert. Only to be found by a Bear and Jaguar and raised as a man cub….. wait. Shit, my bad that was the plot to Disney’s the Jungle Book. (Also Ruyard Kiplings book. geeks.)

Daisy doesn’t have parents, instead she has her ex-boyfriend, Charles’ sister representing her parents. Is it just me or would this be a problem in everyday dating. Like EVERYTHING about Daisy’s life revolves around her legs wrapped around a pole, and Charles. If Bret were smart, he’d be cutting her ass faster than Destiny cuts her wrists at an Emo show. (low blow?)

Later on in the episode, we find out that AHMBRE, is actually rocking the ripe old age of 37, NOT 31 as she previously told the girls and Bret Michaels. Leave it to good ole dad to rat you out. Like what the hell was he thinking? He’s gotta be wanting a grandchild or two, ratting out your daughters REAL age isn’t actually going to help things DAD? Good Lord what a jerk. I’m thinking Dad’s in for a world of hurt when it comes down to AHMBRE picking out his retirement home. More than likely it’s actually just going to be in AHMBRE’s house down in the basement with all of her cats keeping him company while the kids who live on the street keep shouting “Don’t go to Crazy Lady AHMBRE’s house, there’s a something alive in the basement!!!”

Right before elimination we find out that AHMBRE and Daisy are both in love with the Hero Bret Michaels, while the party hard groupie chick Destiny is not.

In literature, we are taught that sometimes the main character has a fatal flaw that he or she cannot see. While some people it’s hidden deep within emotions or an action they make, others it’s so obvious a coke sniffing stripper can figure it out. And so we had the BEST elimination ever. As Bret confronts Daisy with more skeletons in her closet, she flips it around and calls out Destiny on her fatal flaw of lack of Love for Bret. Which in turn leaves Bret no choice but to eliminate Destiny, and let her get back to her groupie loving ways. Which in all honestly is where she’d rather be in the first place. ps Destiny, it’s called Rock of LOVE, not Rock of Have sex with another person in a band on national TV.

One thing that would piss me right off, is getting a tattoo, and then getting my ass cut. Of course that is me, and not Destiny, so she’s probably ok with it. I mean, it sucks that you got that tattoo, but hey, it’s ten times better than getting your rack signed with a sharpie!

So now on to the Hills. Which again was a 2 episode night. I really wish they would stop doing that, casue it’s really effing with my mojo. I want ONE clear concise episode. But what I’m getting is one pretty good episode, followed by another episode, that just bugs the shit out of me with the previews for next week leaving me wanting more. (Good lord that was one awesome run on sentence. And I don’t even care!)

I’m going to mainly deal with the first episode, cause as previously stated the second episode sucked.

LC and Stephanie are becoming close friends through thier class together at some fashion shmashion place in LA. While this is ok for LC, Spencer, Heidi, Audrina and recently welcomed back LO all have a problem with her being in LC’s life. Which is understandable… she’s a meth head and a thief. Might want to keep an eye on that classy little piece of work.

While people don’t exactly like the new freindship, I freakin LOVED Stephanie in last night episode! And basically it’s because she talks shit to Spencer so much. If they weren’t related I would swear she hates him. I do.

Which reminds me, did anyone see that Spencer got his own advice column? Really this douchbag gets his OWN advice column. Who the fuck was the editor in chief of that magazine? Lets take a look at his first Q&A ….. It’s entitled… Yo Spencer!

YO SPENCER! How do you deal with weak people and haters?
With weak people, you can only try to give them confidence and pump them up. To be honest, you don’t need them around you. I try to put myself around really strong people. Haters you should love. Hatred stems from jealousy at some point. If people aren’t hating on you, they don’t care, and if they don’t care, that means you’re not doing anything right. I love my haters. I don’t hate them back at all. You can turn so many haters around once they meet you. I’m like, “Thanks, I get it, I’m an idiot,” and they’re like, “Woo! He’s an idiot! He’s so cool!” I flipped a couple haters at Benihana just last night.

I seriously hate that guy.

ps, if I ever meet Spencer, there will be no turning me around. I hate that guy.

So anyway, the show ends, with all of the girls questioning friendships etc etc…. oh and LC and Brody have lunch. Which leads me to another point. When he called her out about being dumb in the club and saying “where’s your girlfriend??” I was just waiting and hoping she was replied, “yeah, that was my bad, I was pretty shitfaced that night.” Not once has that ever happen. How am I supposed to believe that people that go out that much don’t get hammered on a consistant basis. I know I did. And hell there were lots of mornings where I’d say…. yeah I’m sorry I said that… I was really wasted. Give me some reality MTV I can take it. I don’t need a veil over my eyes. If I wanna see some LC drunken stupor I should be able to!

I almost forgot…. this epiphany hit me while watching the Hills last night. Let me know what you think.
Hiedi Montag

Yeah?!?!? Anyone? Bubbles from Finding Nemo, and Heidi??

Sorry, I really feel as if I’ve rambled for too long so I’ll leave you with a synopsis of episode 2. Audrina and Heidi become friends again. Whitney shows up some other girl at work (could have been episode one.) LC helps out Whitney at Work…. Whitney’s boss is still cranky and old. (Probably single) Audrina borrowed one of Justin-Bobby’s head wraps. All ends well until next week.

If you’ve read this far, I want to thank you…. I really do appreciate it. I’ll leave you with some other reality shows that have come back that I’m obsessed with. #1 Top Chef on Bravo, and Hells Kitchen on Fox. Not sure anyone cares enough to have me review them, then again not sure any cares enough to have me review these shows. Basically all I”m saying is check those shows out too… I don’t think you’ll be upset!





Reality Round-Up 3/25

25 03 2008

It’s Tuesday morning and I’ve decided that I’d do a little round-up/summary of this weekends Reality shows that I watch. (Not including American Idol, cause I haven’t watched that show in a week or two… Ps, as long as David Archuleta, Syesha Mercado, and Brooke White all stick around I’ll still have some sort of vested interest.)

So Sunday night I continued my Love Affair with Rock of Love. Last week was especially hard for me, seeing as how Kristy Jo was booted off. Well…. not booted off, she chose to go. It was pretty heart breaking for me and for Bret. Not only did he lose the love of his life, but I lost my office pool. And by office pool I mean me and my dog Bobbie, who’s half retarded, so I’m not sure her bet counts. Bret was SO heartbroken he didn’t even stay to have a beer. WTF??? No beer? There is no way Bret didn’t stay and have a beer. What is this world coming to? It must really be true that Bret loves the Crazies. Cuase I mean Kristy Jo, was “TBIC” crazy.

On to this weeks episode in which Bret brings the ladies ex boyfriends (and one “best friend”) to the mansion to meet up and get some dirt. In addition, in brings in former cast member Heather to get the dish on the ladies! And holy hell, does she ever. First, however, Bret attempts to make nice with the boys. Which by all intense purposes was a shitty 15 minutes of my life. All of them were pretty much there to be pretty on TV. Except Adam, Ambers best friend. Genuine guy who deep down is secretly in love with Amber, but doesn’t have the eyeliner/bandana power to ask her out. Anyway, the guys basically play nice, when they had every oppotunity to stab each girl in the back. Kudos to you gentlemen. (I use that term VERY loosely)

Back to Heather at the homestead and the big revelations of the night….
#1. Megan was formally on a reality show Beauty and the Geek. (I may or may not have already known this the second I saw her. Which translates into me watching Beauty and the Geek.)
#2. Destiny is a groupie. Really??? Shocker!
#3. Little Jessica can’t hold her liquor. Gets REALLY wasted tackles girls, Bret, the fake marble statues, and Big John. Oh some mention of her being really innocent.
(Line of the night did come when Bret got back and Jessica was tossed… “It’s ok, I remember my Freshman year too.” HOLY HELL did I start busting up. Do you? Do you REALLY remember your freshman year Bret Michaels?
#4. Amber’s a nice girl. And BOOOOOOORING. Good gosh, cause some controversy for the love of Bret.
#5. The shocker of the night, Daisy still LIVES with her gorgeous/pretty/beautiful ex boyfriend. Seriously when Bret, Daisy, and Charles were all on screen I swear to god it was an advertisement for MAC cosmetics, Vidal Sasoon Hair Products, Claire’s Accesories, and Trojan Condoms.

oh and Ed Hardy. WTF?

This all comes out, and it’s time for Bret to make a decision. And it basically comes down to the fact the Bret’s afraid that poor hot little Playboy Bunny Megan is only in it to advance her career. Damn you ex boyfriend! DAMN YOU!!!!!!
So we’re left with Destiny, Amber, Daisy, and Innocent “Can’t Hold My Liquor” Jessica. I’m still thinking Daisy can pull out the win (another pun intended) but watching previews of next week have me questioning that outcome. Which is totally awesome for me, because if Daisy leaves, then I feel as if none of the other girls are fit for Bret which means they wont last, which ultimately means, Rock of Love 3! BOO YAH!

I’m not going to lie to you all. Last night a show came back that I’ve been secretly waiting for.

The Hills.

Thats right I’m a closet (not anymore) Hills fan. I’m not sure what it is about the show, but I just love it. It’s a guilty pleasure and I couldn’t wait for it to get back on air. (ps I find it odd that a “reality” show started new episodes “after” the writers strike, but whatev.)

So we join our friends Lauren and Whitney in Paris for Teen Vogues Ball. Blah blah blah… boring boring boring…. Lauren runs into some douche French dudes, which isn’t a stereotype it’s just the truth. Lauren ruins a dress convienently gets a brand new one from a store whos named gets splashed across the bottom, ball goes off without a hitch, Lauren gets a motorcycle ride from Douchey Frenchman #1 all is good. Oh but Brody has a gf back at home. Took him two days… well no shit, he’s rich. And He lives in LA. Rich and LA are two qualifications for most whores. I’m sure this drama will continue well into the season. Yay!

The train-wreck of the whole show was indeed King of All Douchebags Spencer and Heidi. We left them as Heidi had taken off to go home leaving the smartest guy alive home in LA. Flash forward to this season, and Douchebag with no upper lip, cannot get a hold of the love of his life. She wont return his calls, he’s left her so many messages that her mailbox is full, and she’s in Colorado. So what does he decide to do? GO TO COLORADO??? WTF??? Who does this? You’re a fucking idiot along with being a douchebag. Not only that but once he arrives in town Heidi’s parents don’t want him around! Like at all! They want him gone. And so does Heidi. It was a train-wreck.

My favorite part had to have been when Heidi toasted her family, and not Spencer, right in front of him. Take the hint dumbass! take the hint! GO THE FUCK HOME! I have no idea how someone in this world can be that stupid, ignorant, and dumb all together. It literally boggles my mind. What a effing douchenozzle. So that’s that, I’m looking forward to an excellent season of The Hills, and I’m not ashamed to admit it. I will however leave you with this parting piece. For those of you who don’t read Perez Hilton I just want to share this little picture he created that sums up my feelings for the worst Subject of a Man in the world…..

Spencer Beavis

The only thing missing from the Hills last night was Audrina. Which makes me sad.





My Love Affair With Rock of Love

6 03 2008

As some of you know, I love Rock of Love. I’ve been loving Rock of Love season 2 immensely. Last weeks episode of the USO show for the Veterans. That was awesome.

Raise your hand if you thought one of those old guys was going to faint during the Inna and Destiny strip show???

*raises hand*

Seriously though, what a way to go. Sitting peacefully in your chair, all adorned with honorable medals, when a Ukrainian man stripper, and her midget look a like sidekick walk out on stage, and BAM you didn’t realize it, but it’s actually a live version of the Crying Game. With huge Ukrainian…… “parts.”

That’s all besides the point. Turns out my friend and yours Daisy is Oscar De La Hoya’s niece/sister/love child/favorite stripper.Daisy De La Hoya - Rock of Love Season 2

This explains EVERYTHING!I mean I was wondering why the hell she talked so funny and so slow. For a minute, I actually thought they were making reality shows be Equal Opportunity Employers compliant. I mean, her thought process and her speech patterns raised a lot of questions. She couldn’t be that drunk ALL the time. Could she? And with this small revelation it all became just a little more clear.

Oscar, used Daisy as a sparring parter! It’s the only explanation. I mean it’s probably not the first or last time that Daisy is going to see a one-two combination to the head! And I wouldn’t doubt it at all if the Golden Boy himself helped her trained to go at least 5 rounds? Come to think of it he probably got his lighting quick reflexes by countless hours of speed bag training.

Oh who am I kidding.

Everyone knows the Golden Boy is gay.

Take a look at this email exchange.

To: VH1RockofLoveProducersFrom:
OscarDeLaHoya.com

Dear Producers,

I had heard that a second Season of Rock of Love was to be cast. I am a very famous person wondering if Mr. Michaels would indeed be open to some new possibilities? I’m brunette 5’10 and 154 pounds. Have lots of stamina, energy, and have been told I’m a real knockout.I have enclosed a picture.Oscar De La Hoya Fishnet

Hope to hear from you soon!
The Golden Boy 😉

To: OscarDeLaHoya.com
From:VH1RockofLoveProducers

Golden Boy,

Ummm. Thanks. I’m not sure how to say this delicately. While you definitely fit the what Mr. Michaels is looking for in the looks category, we think you have one too many features that may turn Mr. Michaels off. You must remember this isn’t the 80’s anymore and he’s no longer on a 3 day coke binge. (Although based on some decisions, you wouldn’t know that.) Anyway, thanks for your inquiry.

You wouldn’t by chance happen to have a stripper hot niece would you?

Thank You.
The Producers at Vh1’s Rock of Love.

Ps, after seeing the above pictures of Diasy, (which you can see more at TheSuperficial.com)I’m totally changing my vote to her winning. I mean, maybe it’s just me but her holding that bottle of Jack and lines of coke between her legs…. Who would pick anyone else. Now excuse me whilst continue my love affair with Jack Daniel’s, Coke, and Whorish Strippers.





Sometimes I Don’t Follow The Cool Kids

2 03 2008

Sometimes I don’t follow the cool kids. I’ll not jump on the bandwagon of things that are cool and hip.

For example, I just started watching Arrested Development. Like not catching the new season or what not, actually watching the first season on DVD last night. I liked it so much I finished the whole first season the last night. It was fantastically sarcastic, witty, and funny. Jason Bateman stars and dammit he’s just funny. One of my favorite rolls that he’s done was the sports anchor in Dodgeball…. Effin A, Cotton. Effin A. Hilarity.

Oh, heres one of my favorite lines from Arrested Development.
Mom: “Well, I’m going to the Hospital Bar.”
Jason: “Mom, hospitals don’t have bars.”
Mom: “no wonder people hate hospitals.”

I don’t know why. I just thought it was hilarious.

Anyway. Not catching the bus the first time I think can be a good thing. Gives me time to evaluate my priorities. Like hookah. Unless you’re 18 and about ready to go out cosmic bowling. you probably shouldn’t be smoking hookah. Seriously. It’s flavored tobacco. Cool i get that. Tastes good. I get that. What I don’t get is this…

If you’re a guy in your mid to late 20’s would you ever consider smoking blackberry, raspberry, or peach cigarettes? No, you say?? Would people make fun of you and call you “gay” for smoking fruity cigarettes? Ya think? Maybe? I mean you’re are essentially smoking flavored cigarettes. (Minus the nicotine and all it’s harmful truth commercials.) Might want to look into that a bit. I’m just sayin. Plus it’s something cool hip and trendy from another country so of course white people can latch on to it. Might as well be featured on stuffwhitepeoplelike.com

So this all brings me to my point. Recently I decided to follow all the cool kids and go see Cloverfield the day after it came out. I’m not going to lie, I was taken in by viral marketing, and the intenseness of the creepy preview. And of course one of my good friends gave a glowing review.

KHam “It’s really good!!”
Me: “Really!?”
KHam “Yeah, it’s really good.”
Me: “What’s good about it?”
KHam: “It’s just good.”
Me: “well damn, I can’t argue with that. Sign me up!”

So I went to see Cloverfield.

See I don’t feel I’ve ever been able to talk about Cloverfield because I blogged on MySpace, and Cloverfield did extensive marketing on MySpace, and I just didn’t want to feel Toms rath but…………

It sucked! Like it was terrible. Like really bad. I got sucked in. All the people in the world who loved it I actually question if we’d seen the same movie. I kept going to movie reviews all over the net…
“it’s great” (it wasn’t)
“A scary thrill ride” (it’s not)
“you’ll be on the edge of your seat.” (you won’t)

I couldn’t believe my eyes. What had this world come to??
You may even be reading this and saying, gee, I really liked it. Why did you hate it so much.

Well obviously not real person asking me a fake question on my blog, here are some of the reasons (actually all of them) why I hated Cloverfield.
(THERE WILL BE SPOILERS HERE. IF YOU HAVEN’T SEEN IT ALREADY (BLESS YOU) AND YOU DO WANT TO SEE IT (PLEASE DON’T) THEN DO NOT READ AHEAD. THERE WILL BE SPOILERS.)

#1. Could they have gotten more generic people to be the characters. It’s like they picked them up off the street… Ok you with your old navy sport coat and unkempt hair, you’re in. Um you pretty girl… yeah you’re in. You… yeah awkward looking social outcast… totally IN! oooh and you, with your trendy t-shirt, and unkepmt beard and hair, you’re older brother. And you, yeah you black girl, you’re totally in. They were boring, lame cookie cutter characters.

#2 Speaking of the black girl, did anyone else notice that in the melting pot of the WORLD, there were two black people. Two. One main character, and the dude from the military. Two. In New York. You may as well have been tearing down Salt Lake City with those staggering diversity numbers.

#3 Let me get this straight. Monster invades. Blows out windows with his footsteps (important for another point later on.) Everyone is running away. On a bridge. Big brother gets crushed by gigantic tail. Back to the city. Main character gets the muther effing urge to save a girl he’s slept with once, and was probably sleeping with another dude????? SERIOUSLY. The were upset for like 2 mins after big bro gets its, then lover-boy is going after some slut, that was going to sleep with someone else. No way. No way in hell. I mean imagine he gets back to her apartment (another point) and there they are in all their naked glory just after doing it smoking cigarettes. I guess this is the movies, so it wouldn’t happen. But in real life, (and by real life I mean mine) that’s what would happen to me.

4. The big scary scene in the movie is when our handsome group travel to the subway tunnels to get from place to place. People would ask me, didn’t you find that scene scary? No, and here is why. Who the fuck seriously things the subway tunnels of New York city are safe?? Who?? NO ONE. So of course something was going to get them in there. of course.

5. When they went back to find the main characters whore, they come across her apartment building that is LEANING against another building. LEEEEAAANING!! Leaning on another building. If there is anything we know in this world, it’s that building aren’t really that sturdy. But alas, that is the only way they could get to lover-boy’s whore. (Which again was another epically stupid bit of filmmaking.)

6. Towards the end of the movie, most of the characters are dead. Three remain, they’ve made it till morning. We all assume them to be safe. And that is how we get the footage that was shot. Then out of no where the monster (that previously made your seat rumble with bass every step, and blew out the storefront windows) SNUCK UP on our wary travelers. How in the name of all that is good and holy, did the monster sneak up on the characters? Theres no way! NO EFFING WAY! God this part was stupid.

7. Last but not least, as I’ve previously mentioned in other posts, I worked at a Best Buy. In digital cameras/camcorders to be exact. Not one camera in the entire building has more than a 3 hour battery. I mean yes, you can buy a battery, but judging by the cookie cutter characters, those douchebags came into the Best Buy and said,

DB: “I want the best digital camcorder and a bag.”
Sales associate: “Would you like a battery? Or our Service plan?”
DB: “How long can I get with the battery it comes with?”
Sales associate: “About three hours. Assuming you don’t use night vision.”
DB: “naw, I’ll be good.” (with a douchebag smirk insinuating he was shooting porn, which in fact he was not.)

Plus not only would the battery not survive. The camera itself woudn’t have survived a bridge collapsing on it.

The film style didn’t bother me. You know the Blair Witch style of filming. I was ok with that. However. I was not ok with the above list.

Next time, maybe I’ll listen to my instincts and skip out on what all the cool kids are doing. Which reminds, me. I need to shave and get a hair cut. Oh, and stop by Old Navy, there is a sale on blazers.

Ps if you want to be one of the cool kids, Cloverfield is coming out on DVD pretty soon. Make sure you’re first in line.





Tag

27 02 2008

I’ve got a couple of friends that have blogs, and in checking up with them I was “tagged.” Meaning they filled out this little questionnaire and tagged me at the end and letting me know they’d like me to fill it out.

So, while on my friend JDubs blog www.ifjuliefell.wordpress.com I found myself “tagged” at the bottom. Make sure you click her page as well.

Without further ado….

4 Jobs I’ve Held:
1. Music Director at a Radio Station.
2. Promotions/Marketing Assistant.
3. High School Soccer Coach.
4. Best Buy Sales Associate.

4 Movies I’ve Watched Over and Over Again:
1. Swingers
2. Friday
3. Karate Kid
4. Star Wars/Indiana Jones

4 Places I’ve Been:
1. Las Vegas, Nevada
2. Boston, Mass.
3. Seattle, Wa
4. San Diego, Ca

4 Places I’ve Lived:
1. Portland, Oregon
2. Londonderry, New Hampshire
3. South Jordan, Utah
4. Pocatello, Idaho

4 TV Shows I Watch:
1. Chuck
2. Heroes
3. SportsCenter
4. Rock of Love

4 Radio Shows I Listen To:
1. After
2. Getting
3. Laid Off
4. None

4 Things I Look Forward To:
1. New Movies
2. March Madness
3. Red Sox Baseball
4. Free Pizza.

4 Favorite Foods:
1. Burritos
2. Pizza/Crazy Bread
3. Chinese Food
4. Macaroni and Cheese Spirals

4 Places I’d Rather Be:
1. Las, Vegas
2. Fenway Park
3. Old Trafford
4. a booze cruise.

4 People I email regularly:
1. The Boss Man
2. JDub
3. Stampy
4. CLO

4 People to Tag:
1. CLO
2. The SS News Anchor
3. Alicia
4. The Rest of my Sarcasians.





Fallen Hero

18 02 2008

Some years ago a little television channel actually played music videos. They called themselves MTV.

Music Television.

It was glorious. I can remember the days of waiting for the top 1o so I could call in and vote for my favorite video.   At the time, I think the current champ was Def Leppard with Pour Some Sugar on Me. Loved that song and loved that video. I think it was #1 so long it would have gotten the boot on TRL. If TRL had existed.

Def Leppard had won my heart, as did another 80’s hair band. Poison. (Actually a lot of hair bands dominated my life. But I’m trying not to scare anyone away.) I loved Poison. They were awesome. They ARE awesome. Bret Michaels was the definition of cool.

The long hair, the suggestive lyrics, the scantily clad women in his videos. It was everything a pre-pubescent male could ever ask for. Had I actually been old enough to pick up on sexual innuendo, Poison would have solidified themselves and coolest thing about being 9 years old. (The Nintendo Entertainment System grabbed a hold of that top spot for various reasons.)

Flash forward to 2007. One of the greatest reality shows to hit the airwaves! Rock of Love. If you’ve haven’t seen it, you should. It’s a train-wreck of a show with one of my pre-pubescent heros Bret Michaels. He’s basically trying to find love. Or a hot little thing to sleep with for awhile.

Which I believe came to fruition when he nailed first season winner Jes. Rock of Love Winner Jes
Who I actually picked to win last year. (p.s. the reason I picked her to win, was not because she was the most compatible with Bret, but because she was the hottest. And sometimes folks, hotness trumps compatibility. Take that Eharmony!)

So anyway, much was my excitement when I was told of a Rock of Love Season 2. [Now airing on VH1 on Sundays.] I’ll be the first to admit I haven’t followed as closely as I did season 1. But I have Tivo’ed most of the episodes. So much to my excitement I set some time aside today to catch up on my missed episodes of Rock of Love Season 2.

I can’t tell you how disappointed I am in my Hero Bret Michaels. I thought for sure, this season of Rock of Love would bring even hotter women. Skankier women. Women who just wanted to be on a reality show. Women with lose morals, and a low tolerence for drinking. Well to my dismay, the show actually brought along ALL those types of women.

Except hot. And I’m being serious. Like not hot at all.
Heres our girl Catherine….
Rock of Love Season 2 Catherine
While not exactly the ugliest of the group, I’m pretty sure she’s got grandkids somewhere. I’m putting 10 bucks on the fact, that she may have been my friends mom, that was enabling us to call MTV to vote for our favorite video. And I must admit, I do like the feathered hair, WITH bangs. I believe it’s something only a Glamour Shots Professional can achieve.

Heres one of my favorites… Daisy.
Rock of Love Season 2 Daisy
Now, some may find our little Daisy to be attractive. And by attractive I mean slutty. I can’t help it, I only call it as I see it. I’m sure she’s an extremely nice girl to all she meets, but people, come on. If you’ve been watching the show and you’ve seen the episode where Daisy puts on a lingerie fashion show for our hero Bret, then you’ll know exactly why Daisy is still around. Reminds me much of that dating show, ElimiDATE. If you were a smart dude, you’d keep the slut around till the final elimination, then see what she’d do (slut wise), the eliminate her, and take home the nice girl. Hate to say it Daisy, but you’re pretty much on ElimiDATE.

Next of course is Peyton. Who by all accounts should also be my friends mom, smoking a cigarette, drinking bourbon on the rocks while her boyfriend “Don” fixes his T-Bird.
Rock of Love Season 2 Peyton
Wait a second?!?!? Is it just me… or is Peyton actually Richie Sambora??
Richie Sambora
Quick!! Someone find out if they’ve ever seen Peyton or Richie Sambora at the same place at the same time!!!!

This my friends is where I lose my faith in Bret Michaels. You see last year, Bret’s Roadie John did the picking of all the women who were allowed to be in the house. So I can actually fault Big John for messing up a good thing. Find hot women. How hard could that be. Well Big John did us fans a huge disfavor by not selecting that many hot girls. But I will give him credit. He picked more than Bret did. In fact, as I’ve previously stated, Bret let me down. Bret picked this girl to stay… the lovely Albine…
Rock of Love Season 2 Albine
I just….
I dont know. I’m at a loss for words. I know when people get drunk their decision making goes all to hell. But Bret?!?!? How drunk where you? The selection show MUST have come after a three day bender! PLEASE TELL ME IT CAME AFTER A 3 DAY BENDER!!! Please restore some faith I once had in you.
If Bret was indeed drunk then I’ll give Bret some credit….
Boobs

After weeding out all the lost causes at the Rock of Love mansion, I did however settle on a winner. I picked her once again cause she is hot. And as we learned earlier hotness, trumps compatibility sometimes.

In this case, I think it’s more of this scenario….

OK I have to choose for THESE girls??? Damn. Ummm Alright… You.. Yeah You! You’re not the hottest girl I’ve ever seen, but you’re hotter than you’re surroundings. You win. Now get some whiskey.
Rock of Love Season 2 Kristine

In all fairness, she may be the hottest, but then again, I also think she’s a germ-a-phobe, retraining ordering, playboy posing, crazy. Like “that bitch is crazy,” crazy.

Then again…. the hot ones always are.