Coming To Terms With It….

2 06 2008

So after a huge dissapointement in my life last week, I took some time to reflect on some things. Nothing actually came of it, because by reflect I actually mean, played a lot of viedo games. A LOT. That is besides the point. The point being is I wrote this blog a long time ago on MySpace, and I thought I would just bring it on over to my new site. For some of you this will be old, for others this will be brand new. Either way, it’s one of my favorites so I hope you enjoy.

Without further ado……

The world is really a cruel place. Some of my friends that maybe a little older may have already come to terms with this. Divorce, college loans, bills, accidnets, break ups, and the cancellation of Charles in Charge all come at blistering pace and remind you that sometimes life isn’t fair…

I’m not complaing (in theroy) I’m looking back on to my life and realizing, I should have been more prepared for life and it’s curve balls. Let’s go back, maybe it was my car accident when i was 16. Or the broken arm when i was 8. Yes, these taught me valuable lesson, but niether of these, or the myriad of other curves balls clued me into the fact that the world is a cruel place.

Back in the day, and some of my younger friends may not be able to grasp the true nature of this blog, and some friends that are of age, will look back on to the same example and curse the world with me…

Crocodile Mile. You see I loved Crocodile Mile. I loved the commercial to no end…. I mean who wouldn’t, “YOU RUN, YOU SLIDE, YOU HIT THE BUMP AND TAKE A DIIIIIIIIIVE!!!” (all of this of course is sung with a sweet little jingle that i know everyone just heard in their head.)

Imagine my surprise when one summer, my mom being the wonderful woman that she is, purchased a Crocodile Mile for fun in the sun. I could barely contain myself when opening the package. I couldn’t wait to Run, Slide, Hit the bump, and take a dive. After 15 minutes of setup, there it was in all it’s yellow glory!! Ready for an EXTREME summer, where all the cool kids would wanting to be my friend! (This was in fact a huge draw, because back in the day I was a loser.) In families of more than one kid, older brother rules apply… which means the older brother always gets to go first. So of course my anticipation was building even more for my turn…. and here it came!

I can remember the first run down the glorious Crocodile Mile. I took off in a mad sprint that Carl Lewis would have envied. I dove head first, arms outstretched, preparing myself, to hit the bump and take a dive! Here it came…. closer and closer…. and finally…. i hit the bump.

Now wait a second! What the FUCK was that?!?!? This isn’t what happened on the comercial, and why the hell is my side bleeding!

You see life isn’t fair. The “pool” you supposedly land in is a foot and a half wide, and roughly 6 inches deep! In addition to the bird bath for a pool, the Crocodile Mile stricly states to clear all foregin objest where you lay it down… What they don’t say is “becuase our so called pool is too small to actually take a dive, you will clear it therefore sliding straight into whatever is beyond the Crocodile Mile. Hence the uncleared area, full of rocks, twigs, and whatever else you just threw there, cause you figured the pool would catch you.

You see people the world is a cruel place. People lie. People steal. College loans take forever to pay off, significant others will dump you, and your favorite tv show WILL be cancelled. But the deepest pain of all is realizing the Crocodile Mile is a sham.

(that and pulling the rock out of your skin.)

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Beach Ready Body and the Internet is Boring.

2 04 2008

Hello my blogging friends.

If you’ve been following along with my blogs, you’ll know that I’ve recently dedicated myself to working out to obtain my beach ready body by the time summer comes. Which, I’m not sure why considering I don’t go outside. I hate being to hot. I’m afraid of the ocean. Hate public swimming pools. And generally despise most of the summer aside from chicks dressing slutty, (thank heavens for short shorts) Thirsty Thursdays (where most the slutty girls are) and Red Sox baseball games. (Where beer, slutty girls, and baseball collide for a maelstrom of goodness.)

But there I am every day Up In the Club, Just Workin on my Fitness. (ah thank you Fergie.) And I have to say it. I’m not seeing results fast enough. I’ve been inundated to believe that things these days should be instant. Instant messaging, instant pudding, instant rice, drive through windows, BlackBerry, syphilis, shopping on the internet, and instant news have given me a sense of false hope.

3 weeks at the club should leave me some sort of hope. Some itsy bitsy little thing that I can cling on too that things are working. I mean I wish I had a pair of “skinny jeans” (don’t think we don’t know about em) so that when I put them on and they fit, it would give me some sort of sign that all is right with the world. Alas, I am a boy so my jeans are already a size or two to big for me, which means every fucking pair are my skinny jeans. *sigh*

A couple things have transpired since working out at my gym.

#1. I’ve realized I’m still working out too early for Strippers to be at the gym. I guess the timing was all off in my head. Having never, EVER, been to a strip club in all my life, I didn’t realize what time they actually got done. I was figuring 2 am, maybe the latest 3 am. Then it dawned on me, that more than likely they get off work at 4-5 am. To get to the gym by 10 am on 5-6 hours of sleep, there is no way that would be possible. Plus, I’m pretty sure the coke may not have worn of in time to get in a decent cardio workout. Damn.

#2. Not all female trainers are hot. Some are old and leathery that tan too much.

#3. Working out after a long night of drinking is never really a good thing to do. Especially for me. I’ve unfortunately developed a nasty little drinking habit. My tolerance for Jack Daniel’s whiskey is insane. I’ve been known to finish a bottle at any given celebration. While I know this isn’t really a feat of skill by any means (college frat boys claim this every weekend. Although downing a fifth of Boone Farm is hardly any feat, especially if it’s Country Kwencher. It’s a real flavor I checked.) it’s the next day that I believe sets me apart from the others. See I don’t get hungover anymore when I drink Jack. Like none. Zip. Zero. It’s as if my liver has completely given up processing the alcohol. So when I go out, it takes a lot of Jack for me to get drunk. More than most. So the next day when I rolled into the gym, and about mile marker 1.75 the sweat kicks in and BAM! Alcohol comes gushing out of my pours, for not only me to smell but the unassuming people running next to you. I tried my best to keep it contained, but to no avail. I could smell Jack and I knew the girl and guy running next to me could too. And if any of you know the smell of Jack, you’ll know it’s not the most pleasant smell in the world. (Unless you’re me. Then you fucking love that smell.)

You’re welcome 24 Hour Fitness patrons.

So the other night, I was discussing with a friend that I felt like I was at the end of the internet. Basically what I mean is that I keep looking at the same websites over and over again. It’s actually a bit depressing. I feel like a 12 year old kid who just got home from school, and although I just recently talked to my friends at school, I have to go home and wear out the refresh button on my Safari web browser.The list includes Myspace, Facebook, PerezHilton, The Superficial, If Julie Fell, Yahoo!, my iGoogle, Hotmail, ESPN, Red Sox Homepage, Netflix, Craigslist, and my own blog. (Yeah, I look at my blog all the time! so what?)Just recently I’ve revisited a site that I love so very much. OverheardinNewYork.com is HILARIOUS.

Basically people submit random shit they’ve hear whilst in New York. Which got me to thinking last night, that maybe I don’t ever want to go to New York. I mean, they have all sorts of nicknames for shit left and right, and if you don’t know, no one is going to help you out. You’re just supposed to know already. Or at least that is the gist I get from reading some of the quotes. But how could the internet be wrong? It can’t be….

Anyway this site has spawned some spin off sites, such as OverheardAtthebeach.com, Overheardintheoffice.com and a celebrity spin off. They are fantastic. Here are a couple highlights that i enjoyed.

Office girl #1: Man, I’m really bored. I know what we should do… [Looks around] Aw, we don’t have any glue, do we?
Office girl #2
, confused and horrified: Um…

I think I found this more funny because it was from the city I live in. Classic.

Here’s another….
Cashier: Alright, so that’s going to be $47.68.
Customer: What? The book was $31.99!
Cashier: Ummm, actually, it was $44.99…
Customer: It says $31.99!
Cashier: I’m afraid you were looking at the American price, ma’am…
Customer: So?!
Cashier: We’re in Canada.
Customer, indignant: Well, I want to speak to a manager!
Cashier: Unfortunately, I don’t think he’ll be able to change global economy, but let me page him…

hilarious. and I love it. Points for you cashier.

My point of all this, is that I’m bored with the internet. I need your help people. I need some cool new sites that I can pour over and waste most of my day. So I’m no longer bored. I need the internet people. NEED! Go ahead send me a comment with a cool new page that you think I may like. I’d love to see what you all think. And Thank you…