Because It’s Normal To Have 25 Girls Want You At The Same Time…

10 01 2009

My friends, just like the title suggests, for any real man in this world, there is never, and I repeat NEVER a time in which 25 women want you at the same time. It just doesn’t happen. Celebrities, athletes, CEOs, Rock Stars, News Anchors, and former reality TV stars are all exempt from this rule.

So we have another installment of the bachelor. This time, the guy has a kid and was previously dumped by hottie DeAnna Pappas. Which, come on people, we all knew it was going down. She ain’t yo baby momma!!

So ABC pulls on the heart strings of all the women who fell in love with Jason on the bachelorette. And honestly, what girl with any kind of heart wouldn’t? He’s pretty much a ratings gold mine. Good man, single dad, got his heart broken at the “proposal spot.” (ps, I’m calling it that from now on. The proposal spot.)

Now all the women who watched this wretched show, now automatically feel as if they have some sort of connection with Jason.

Top 5 reason why this is true.
#1. All women have seen romantic comedies. All romantic comedies are formulaic, and after the big huge drama keeping the main characters apart, they somehow work it out and there is always a happy ending. This is the happy ending that all women are craving. Even ice queens.
#2. There is a kid involved. Have you ever noticed while watching SoapNet there are commercials for the needy kids in Africa? And ever notice how there are none of the same commercials during sporting events? That’s because kids pull at the heartstrings of women. Women love kids. Even ice queens.
#3. Dude was left at the “proposal spot” after thinking everything was hunky dory. Every women has been left at some where at some point when thinking everything was hunky dory. Even ice queens.
#4. He’s from Seattle. Women love Seattle. See #1 and please reference Sleepless in Seattle. HOLY SHIT… I just realized that this is a REAL life version of Sleepless in Seattle. Son of a Bitch.
#5. Women like winning. Wait, women like beating other women. Therefore by ultimately winning at this game you obtain a couple things
   5a. You beat 24 other women
   5b. you are getting married and those other losers are not.
   5c. you successfully landed what other women could not. Take that bitch.
   5d. you won a nice new diamond ring.
   5e. you won being a new baby momma. (Big win. Don’t have to go through that whole “pregnancy” thing, you know      getting fat, irritable, cankles, etc etc. Big win. Even for ice queens.)

With that being said, while I won’t be watching the show I will have plenty of girl friends watch the show and fill me in. What I will do, is play my own little bachelor. I shall go only by what their bio says on ABC.com and judge them without rhyme or reason. Please note that all actions that happen on the show will NOT be taken into account during this judgement.

Without further ado.

First 10 eliminated…

Oh, poor girls got a 7 Head.

Dominique - Oh, poor girls got a 7 Head.

looks like a sharpie attacked, and she fended it off with her forehead.

Emily - looks like a sharpie attacked, and she fended it off with her forehead.

26 my ass...

Jackie - 26 my ass...

Jillian - Oh honey. Glamour Shots is down the hall.

Jillian - Oh honey. Glamour Shots is down the hall.

Nicole - meh.

Nicole - meh.

Raquel - Your a Jewelry designer, so you shouldn't have any problem finding your own right. ps. your also old.

Raquel - Your a Jewelry designer, so you shouldn't have any problem finding your own right. ps. your also old.

Sharon - Too old.

Sharon - Too old.

Shelby - Says your 23, but I think it's more like 42. Plus she looks baked here.

Shelby - Says your 23, but I think it's more like 42. Plus she looks baked here.

Stephanie - 7 head and Old. Not a winning combination.

Stephanie - 7 head and Old. Not a winning combination.

Treasure - yup that's her name. Your a single mom in Utah. The Lord looks down on that.

Treasure - yup that's her name. Your a single mom in Utah. The Lord looks down on that.

So those are the first 10 women let go. Which now leaves me with 15 desperate beautiful women left to choose from. 

THE 15

Stacia - Single mom... I Ain't No Baby Daddy!

Stacia - Single mom... I Ain't No Baby Daddy!

Ann - Bonus points for being a Flight Attendant and hopes of the MHC, but not enough points.

Ann - Bonus points for being a Flight Attendant and hopes of the MHC, but not enough points. Plus I'm afraid her tooth might get caught on something... just sayin.

Nikki - I saw some pics on ABC.com, and it really is sad to see this rack go.

Nikki - I saw some pics on ABC.com, and it really is sad to see this rack go.

Lisa - Hoop Earrings are for sluts.

Lisa - Hoop Earrings are for sluts.

FINAL 10

Basically these girls all cancel each other out. All of them are average looking with average jobs and all about the same age… so in essence they cancel each other out.  Plus there is some crazy eye going on with some of them. 

laruenjulieericakarimolly

TOP 5

Megan - She kinda has a little Julie Cooper thing going on here... plus hoop earrings. Oh and a kid, I told you I Ain't No Baby Daddy!

Megan - She kinda has a little Julie Cooper thing going on here... plus hoop earrings. Oh and a kid, I told you I Ain't No Baby Daddy!

 

Natalie - I wish Natalie was from the south and had a southern accent. However she's from Chicago. I'm sad to see her go.

Natalie - I wish Natalie was from the south and had a southern accent. However she's from Chicago. I'm sad to see her go.

Naomi - Her name is I MOAN backwards. She's a flight attendant. Pretty obvious 3rd place I think.

Naomi - Her name is I MOAN backwards. She's a flight attendant. Pretty obvious 3rd place I think.

THE FINALS

Shannon - Says shes 29, but she looks 22 in this picture. Which means as she grows old, she going to Continue to be hot. This obviously something you have to think about. She's also a dental hygienist, and if you've ever seen porn, you know that's a good thing. She loses points for being from Kansas. Nothing good came from Kansas.

Shannon - Says shes 29, but she looks 22 in this picture. Which means as she grows old, she going to Continue to be hot. This obviously something you have to think about. She's also a dental hygienist, and if you've ever seen porn, you know that's a good thing. She loses points for being from Kansas. Nothing good came from Kansas.

Melissa - She's 25 from Dallas TX. Right there she's a little behind in points. However, she's a real cutie, and based on some insider information she is a Dallas Cowboys Cheerleader. With that being said, being a Cheerleader (not a base) is in essence Kryptonite to me. She's a couple years younger than Shannon so that's always a plus.

Melissa - She's 25 from Dallas TX. Right there she's a little behind in points. However, she's a real cutie, and based on some insider information she is a Dallas Cowboys Cheerleader. With that being said, being a Cheerleader (not a base) is in essence Kryptonite to me. She's a couple years younger than Shannon so that's always a plus.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

So who’s the winner? Well I can tell you one thing. I spent WAAAAY too much time looking at old Dallas Cowboy Cheerleading squads. Yeah, I found Melissa pretty quickly, but DAYUM. I’m not lying when I say I put in a good 25 minutes on the Cheerleaders website. You are very welcome for all the clicks by the way. 

However, I have a job to do. I have to pick my Bachelorette to be my one and only, so we could meet at the proposal spot, and there I would  give her a ring and ask her to marry me. And all the lonely women loyal viewers would all in unison, go awwwwweee…. with a little tear shed from their eye. 

After much deliberation, and time to myself, I finally have made a decision. The winner my friends… 

 

My Bachelor Winner!

My Bachelor Winner!

While many of the other contestants fought valiantly, Melissa brought her A game. And by her A game I mean pictures of her as a cheerleader. Seriously. She should carry those around with her. I told you… Its my Kryptonite. I can’t help it. Now, my only hope is that douche dad doesn’t actually pick her, and I can move to DFW and start my courting of Ms. Melissa. 

*sigh*

I hope you all enjoy the Bachelor this season. 
Make sure to catch it Mondays at 8pm 

 

Feel Free to email…
SarcasmAsAWeapon@gmail.com 

Until Next Time…

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Memorable Memorial

29 05 2008

First things first.

I saw Indiana Jones, twice. And I thought it was great. There are some people out there who are going to say, it sucked. It was cheesy. It had too many special effects. Harrison Ford “mailed it in.”

Well I say go eff yourself!

I don’t really mean that.

wait.

Yes I do.

For those of you old enough to have seen any of the previous three Indy movies in the theaters, then this one is going to bring back all the fun you had the first time. Right down to the theme music at the very end. I’m not going to say it was the best out of the 4… cause it wasn’t. But it was fun and I liked it. So go out and see Indiana Jones. It’s fun and it’s a great summer popcorn movie. No more no less.

I may even be excited if Shia Lebouf takes on the role as the new Indy, I mean his name is Henry Jones the 3rd. nice…..

Now that I’ve got Indy out of the way, it’s time to talk about how much booze I consumed over the past couple of days. Normally I’ve been sticking to my workout regime and by that I mean cutting back on the numbers of days I tend to drink. I’ve waned it down from a solid 5 outta 7 days, to a solid 1 maybe two a week. With that being said, I’ll have it be known, that just because my days of drinking have diminished, my intake has not.

This however was not the case this past weekend. My good friend Leeds rolled into town from China. Yup, China. And nope, he’s not Chinese. He’s not even Asian. Just a good old white boy from Oregon who’s job has taken him to China. Leeds and I attended the same high school. We’ve known each other for a couple years. He’s been gone a couple of years, so when he comes to town we usually try to drink till we can’t stand celebrate.

In past years, some of the festivities have included, me standing on a chair and challenging someone to a fight, Leeds singing the Ricky Martin classic “She Bangs” to some random cougars, and the biggest celebration ended by Stampy driving me home and me puking in the front lawn of my parents house. Class 24/7 folks.

So this year was unlike no other… we proceeded to our favorite Irish bar and got some dinner and proceeded to drink ourselves silly. And by silly I mean drunk off our asses. Go us. It was a celebration unlike any other. Stampy bought some wonderful shots for these two ladies who proceed to a.) treat him like he may have leprosy and b.) believe he may have roofied both the shots. (I would have gladly taken both the shots to prove that neither of the shots had been roofied, but I’m pretty sure that would have completely defeated the purpose of buying shots for women. Jury’s still out.)

All in all I believe there were a total of 8 rounds of drinks. Sadly there were no renditions of She Bangs, however there was a rousing version of Sweet Caroline that we felt necessary to back up the band. All in all a good night. Leeds went back to China this Monday with some great memories, and some equally fuzzy ones.

We got together with some other friends the next night, and again the booze flowed. Had a great time discussing my latest idea of “NapNation”®

Picture this, you’re at work, and you get off at 5:00 yet you were planning on meeting friends, at 7:30 to get drinks/see a movie whatever. You are thinking, home is too far away to drive home, and you really don’t want to stay late at work. You’re exhausted and you could really use a nap…. This is where NapNation® comes in!

NapNation® is where you could stop by and rent a bed/room for a pretty decent rate. The room would be filled with all sorts of magical relaxing agents to help you get a decent little nap in before meeting up with your friends. And trust me, most of my friends have asked me many a questions about the logistics of NapNation® and I am here to inform you I’ve thought about many of them. Please hold all your questions till the end.

Anyway, I’m basically just saying this to prove that I have wonderful ideas when I’m drunk.

So finally the end of Memorial Day came with a wonderful trip up to Seattle to see the Red Sox take on the Mariners. I would like to say that this trip was without booze, but that would be blasphemy against the great American tradition of beer, baseball, and processed cheese. For the most part the weekend was pretty tame and walking around a sunny Seattle was a pretty great treat, considering Seattle has like 4 sunny days a year. I’m pretty happy that I got to witness at least one of them.

Jdub and I ventured down to the Pyramid Brewery about 2 hours before game time to catch the Celtics v Pistons on TV and drink some overpriced beer. Well, the inside of the bar was extremely packed. It was basically standing room only…. and it was packed with Sox fans. Which was awesome. Nothing like outnumbering the home teams fans at their own ballpark and bars. It was like the 18th street Vatos rolling into the 12th street Dragons yet all the Dragons had something more important to do then defend their turf.

So there we were minding our own business taking in the sights of the bar. We were quickly surrounded by some very interesting characters. The first two were a lesbian couple oddly enough from Portland. Next, was the fruit vendor, the 6’4 firefighter, and his buddy…

Now if this group already sounds hilarious, it was. It was the perfect group for our own reality show. Somehow we all became aquatinted and once the booze started flowing things became a little more funny. First was the fruit vendor. It was a sad little story watching him trying to run game on one of the lesbian women. And he would give up either. He kept trying and trying, almost pretending as if he didn’t hear her say…. “I’m not any good at sucking.” “I’m a lesbian.” “Me and My girlfriend….” All of these were direct quotes, and all of these did nothing to deter our friend the fruit vendor.

Speaking of the fruit vendor, at one point our friend the 6’4 firefighter asked us all… anyone from the east coast?? To which most of us replied no, I mentioned that I had lived in Londonderry New Hampshire, but other than me the only one to respond was the fruit vendor. To which he replied in “an outta nowhere” Boston accent, that he was indeed from some east coast town. (I can’t honestly remember which one, for the shock and awe of the accent rendered me speechless and deaf.)

Literally after about a hour and a half fruit vendor was still running game on Lesbian number one. It was mighty impressive the determination on this guy. At one point we found out that the two lesbians actually were from the same area as Jdub and I. After a little more conversation, we found out that Lesbian number two is actually a cop with Jdubs ex-boyfriend… More hilarity ensued over the making fun of how dorky Jdubs ex-bf was, but even more hilarity ensued when lesbian number one proceeded to get very very intoxicated.

At one point someone joined the group late and brought some girl along with him. To start they weren’t very talkative, and well lesbian number one took a great exception to this. At one point, she looked over at Jdub and I and exclaimed (and not quietly mind you) “that girl he brought, she’s like the fucking ice queen.” To which I laughed and brought up the scene from Saving Silverman. The one with the graph chart of how much fun was had….
“Before Ice queen joined the group, we were at an all time high of fun. 98%. After ice queen showed up we were at an all time low in fun. Zero fun.”

As we all discussed what we did, and what made us awesome (other than being sox fans) lesbian number one shouted, to the 6’4 firefighter… “fuck you’re like the coolest person here, you run into burning buildings, my girlfriend gets shot at with real bullets, this dudes a fruit vendor, and I sling coffee at starbucks. What the fuck do you two do?”

(at this point I must interject another little story about Fruit vendor. Remember when we were talking about the east coast and his Boston accent magically appeared? Right, well right at the point lesbian number one mentioned he was a fruit vendor, he turned to the group to proclaim… “it’s very profitable situation.” To which I couldn’t help but notice, muther fucking fruit vendor NOW has a lisp? Holy hell….)

I mentioned I worked in radio which was met with awe, and Jdub replied something about events etc etc and being awesome. Lesbian one was impressed. We had made it to coolness in the eyes of a drunken lesbian. Life goal completed.

After two hours of drinking, and endless running game we decided to part ways from the group. We all said our goodbyes and good lucks to the Sox.

More beers were had at the game and the Sox went on to win 5-3. It was a great night for baseball and a great trip to be had. I’m not sure if JDub has heard from her ex-bf yet, but I’m pretty sure there is going to be some sort of mention. I mean those lesbians were funny.

Which brings me to the moral of this story….

beer, baseball, and processed cheese has the power to bring us all together. As fans. As Humans. And as a Nation. God Bless America.

and lesbians.