No Good Title…

14 10 2008

Let me preface this blog by letting you know, I’m not the happiest camper in the world. Yes, I know that’s been the general theme of my latest blogs, but now, I have reason.

At least for tonight. As of this writing I just watched the Boston Red Sox play like utter rubbish. It’s a well known fact that I’m a huge fan of the Sox, and as of the last two games, they’ve really left me upset. But I don’t think many people come her for my in depth thoughts on sports. This isn’t necessarily a sports blog, so I try to limit that stuff for special occasions. But in all honesty, if you want my thoughts on the last two Sox games in the ALCS email me. I’ll go off.

Today however as I was away from my computer for most of the day watching the Sox, I come back and have received an IM from JDub.

http://daisyoflovecasting.com/

So I obviously click the link to find out what my friend has in store for me.

Upon arrival, I, like you may have, notice that this is a site dedicated to the application proccess of getting on Daisy from Rock of Love 2’s new spinoff show. I can’t tell you how excited I am to apply.

I have decided that obtaining a job and trying to pay my bills is horseshit. I shall no longer be streessed out about it. I shall, however, apply to be on Daisy’s Rock of Love spinoff. Everyone knows how I was such a fan of Daisy during the entire last season.

In fact, I think I may have referred to her as half retarded in one of my previous blogs. By the way after watching Tropic Thunder I’ve found that I can make fun of people who are half retarded. It’s only when I make fun of people that are fully retarded that I get in real trouble. Thanks Tropic Thunder.

Anyway, back to my new quest of being on Daisy’s new show. I don’t see as how this could possibly be a bad thing. I mean, I’m somewhat good looking. I don’t have any tattoos, nor do I dress in Ed Hardy and wear makeup, but maybe this is what Daisy could be looking for. Last couple of guys we have seen her with have been all decked out and Rockstarish.

The closest I have ever come to being rockstarish was the last time I was in Las Vegas, trying to convience my friends I should get a new tattoo. And by new, I mean my first one. However my friends seeing how drunk I was, decided that was probably not a good idea, and now probably stand in the way of me hooking up with Daisy. This depresses me.

I mean I think I’d be good for Daisy. We’d look like a modern day Barbie and Ken. That is, if Barbie got all strung out and started effing random band members. And it would also pertain if I had a hot pink Corvette and no private parts, yet still wore skin colored underpants.

Last time I checked some douche posing in front of a Rolls Royce Phantom that he walked by while taking a site seeing tour in LA was in the lead position to be cast on Daisy of Love. He’s only got six thousand votes. I’m pretty sure I could take him. Plus if I make it on the show, I could put that on my resume.

Daisy of Love Cast Member
Responsible for staying continually drunk. 
Attempted make out with said Daisy. 
Semi-finalist. 

I’m not sure what new job that could land me, aside from a future in porn, or extensive and thorough knowledge of STDs and gynecology.

So I haven’t applied yet, but if I can wrangle up a couple more than six thousand votes, it’s something I might highly consider.

That’s all for now…

email at,
SarcasmAsAWeapon@gmail.com

Advertisements




The Extensions Strike Back….

30 07 2008

Well folks, I knew it had been a long time since I had written anything. I can tell because once every other day I’ll look at my blog and notice on the calendar nothing highlighted on any given day, because nothing has been written.

And to be honest, I feel as if I’ve let you guys down. (my three faithful readers thanks DZ and mom. PS Mom, please stop hitting the refresh button so I get more hits. Your son is not going to be a famous blogger, nor are you REALLY proud of my work.) I’ve let some vital information go on like it’s never really happened. And it’s some very important information people.

You see, couple months ago I had a little obsession on TV that was indeed Rock of Love 2. Where all these awesome little sluts would vie for the attention of one of my 80’s youth heroes Mr. Bret Michaels. Apparently Bret and AH-MBRE are no longer together and the great Extensioned One decided to take his show on the road… literally.

Now Bret is taking another stab at finding his perfect match in the ultimate rock and roller’s test…life on the road! Rock of Love Bus with Bret Michaels is set to premiere in early 2009.

“We are excited to hit the road for another season of Rock of Love,” commented Executive Producers Mark Cronin & Cris Abrego, “Nobody knows their way around a tour bus like Bret Michaels, and we are confident that the audience will enjoy the ride.”

How will Bret find a woman to ‘rock his world’ when his world is always moving? VH1 is loading up a tour bus filled with beautiful babes and taking them on tour across the country. Rock of Love Bus with Bret Michaels takes contestants out of the mansion and on the road in true rock star style. This season will feature all-new ladies vying for Bret’s affection while traveling across America following Bret on a month-long tour. The contestants will face new challenges to see if they can handle the rock star life on the road.

This time as the bus pulls into each new city, the girls will engage in challenges specifically revolving around Bret’s life on the road. Whether it’s greeting aggressive groupies with a smile, enduring grueling schedules, dodging the advances of the warm-up band or even stepping in last-minute to fill in for delinquent roadies – these girls will be put to the test. This season, as the Rock of Love Bus heads into America’s heartland, the show will be taking the viewer to a whole new level with crazy, fun, over-the-top challenges- imagine Truck Stop Olympics or a dance contest on top of the St. Louis Arch or even a BBQ cook-off beneath the World’s Largest Thermometer. And also, back by popular demand…Mud Bowl 3. Americana at it’s finest!

(courtesy of VH1.com)

SERIOUSLY??? A tour bus? lets actually take a moment boys and girls to go back and count the sexual innuendo of those last paragraphs… I counted 4. But that’s just me.

With the highest ratings ever to VH1 with Rock of Love, I wouldn’t be surprised if in fact the heads at VH1 were the ones that broke up Bret and AHMBRE. Kinda like some geniuses there decided to hire some sort of hot slutty intern just to hang around Bret and try to hook up with him. Once she finally succeeded the break up was on. Who am I kidding though. It’s not like sleeping with one little intern was going to break up the greatest TV couple of all time. AHMBRE probably would have turned the other cheek and continued auditioning for roles that call for a 26 year old. Low blow?

I can’t wait for this trainwreck of a show. Allegedly they’re also filming pretty close to where I live. Im partly considering seeing if I can’t just make it up to the locale and try to get my way onto the show. Much like I told Mr. Royal one time to tackle LC from the Hills cause his production company was filming at the Fashion Institute. That totally would have made the cut. Mr Royal tackling LC and yelling out Team Audrina…. I’d actually give my entire savings (read: $3.00 also the highest amount a good hooker should be paid) to see those events transpire.

Speaking of my little Audrina. At one point while working in radio I had some pretty decent connections with record labels. When I found out that our little Audrina was working at one, I quickly emailed my record rep from that company…. It went a little something like this.


To:RecordRep@epicrecords.com
From: Preston@clearchannel.com
Sent: January 25, 2006 10:23 am
Subject: Audrina

Deb,

Hey it’s Preston from K103 in Portland. I was just curious if you could hook me up with Audrina from the Hills? She works the front desk there.
ps. any new music you want me to hear?


To:Preston@clearchannel.com
From:RecordRep@epicrecords.com
Sent: January 25, 2006 10:26 am
Subject: Re:Audrina

Preston,

HA… are you serious?

Deb


To:RecordRep@epicrecords.com
From: Preston@clearchannel.com
Sent: January 25, 2006 10:30 am
Subject: Re:Re:Audrina

Lol. No. of course I’m not.

unless you can.


Needless to say I did NOT get a reply back. I’m not sure she took me very seriously after that. Then again, I’m not sure Audrina actually worked there. With all that being said, I’m not going to lie, (although this KILLS me inside) I’m excited for the new season of the Hills. I mean it looks, almost like they addressed all my problems with the other episodes. Except the whole Heidi/Spencer thing. I wonder if they realize that the whole world throws up at this continued high school bullshit? Then again if were pulling 100k an appearance fee I’d continue the bullshit too.

Sidebar: My new goal in life is to get appearance fees. Seriously. I just want to be cool enough that people want to pay me to show up and drink. I’m trying to figure out a way to do this. Actually… I’m just going to do that. When my friends call to ask me to hang out I will now just start to charge them.

Friend: “Hey man wanna go to Kells?”
Me: “Sure dude, it’ll be 100 bucks.”
Friend: “100 bucks? For what?”
Me: “It’s my appearance fee.”
Friend: “appearance fee to do what?”
Me: “Hang out and be awesome. You know, what I used to do for free.”
Friend: “You want a hundred bucks for that?”
Me: “I don’t see what the problems is…. it’s my going rate.”
Friend: “……..”
Me: “It’s a hundred bucks or you go by yourself.”
Friend: “Is it negotiable?”
Me: “No dude. You don’t see Kim Kardashian lowering her appearance fee.”
Friend: “I’ll pay for two Jack and Cokes, final offer.”
Me: “Done. I’m there.”

Anyway, the moral of this story is that The Hills returns to television very shortly, and yes my TiVo is set to start recording episodes.

Well folks, that’s about it for now. I’m thinking I’m going to be writing a couple more blogs this week, because I’m bored outta my mind again looking for jobs.

If you’d like you can now email.
SaracasmAsAWeapon@gmail.com

Until next time….





Reality Round Up 4/21

21 04 2008

Hey everyone…

I’m going to be honest with you all…. this reality round up pains me to write. And, really, I don’t know if I’ll be writing another one. Unless I find another reality show that’s super trashy with one of my all time hero’s from the 80’s. And looking into the future, Indiana Jones, Marty McFly, Ralph Machio, Charles (In Charge), or Optimus Prime aren’t getting their own reality show any time soon. Which breaks my heart.

Bret Michaels gave us one of, if not THE, best reality show anti-hero of all time. My hat is off to you Bret. I really do admire you, in fact the thought had crossed my mind to grow my hair out long and luxurious, snatch a bandana from Wal-Mart, wrangle up 20 stippers/sluts/whores/groupies/news anchors and have them compete for my affections just for the sake of honoring you. And ONLY for the sake of honoring you, Bret.

The Rock of Love tour 2 has come to an end and I gotta say… what a shitty reunion show. I’m not even kidding. I thought for sure there would be more hashing of un-aired drama. More cat fights. More stripper maneuvers. More drinking, throwing up, and all around debauchery. I mean for fuck sake The Bachelor Reunion show has more drama. From what I’ve heard.

I’m not sure about any of you, but the part with Destiny really bothered me for some reason. I mean… I just don’t know what to say. I’m pretty cold hearted, and I don’t like people, but I have a huge soft spot in my heart for certain situations, and Destiny’s situation was definitely one. Poor girl had her dad die couple weeks before the reunion taping. Brought tears to poor Destiny’s eye, and had our Hero come to the rescue and console her. My heart goes out to her… that would suck relieving a moment he cherished on live tv.

All were not safe, as Bret brought up the front runner in my office pool. Kristy Jo. All I can say, is that Bret loves them crazies. And Kristy Jo takes the cake for that… TBIC. (That Bitch Is Crazy) Turns out her and her husband have reconciled and are now living happily ever after. No Fucking way! Just goes to show you will the wonders of a reality show never cease? I can only hope. Thank you Rock of Love season two for re-igniting these two crazy (literally) love birds almost failed marriage.

Last but gloriously not least is my favorite coke sniffing whore Daisy. Oh how I love you Daisy. Two things I’d like to bring up about my semi-retarded, mime in a box, fake breasted Daisy….
#1. Was it just me, or did it look like Daisy had some work done… in the face.
I came to the conclusion that she indeed did have work done. I also came to another conclusion that all the girls looked a little bit better at the reunion show. And this doesn’t make me gay, but it makes me look gay. The reason for the sudden turn-around in the appearance of the women… professional make up artists! All the girls had been doing there own makeup in the house and for the show, they have wonderful make up artists, to make them look “softer.”
#2. Was it also just me, or did Daisy sound articulate for once?
Seriously. Like very little hand motions. Full sentences. What in the hell is going on here? Where’ my girl… wheres my “Fricken” awesome down syndrome stripper? I was disappointed.

But the highlight of the show…. that’s right, Heather winning a gold medal in Weave Pulling. I mean for REAL! Did you see that shit! It was amazing. It was like Heather was a former hockey player (got the frame for it) and she pulled Daisy’s shirt over her head so she couldn’t fight back, then went to town wailing on her poor little head! Man! Craziness. I was kinda hoping for some blood, or at least a stray weave… but of course all I got was a broken bracelet from Rikki Rathman… who by the way… what the hell have YOU been doing? I mean Holy Headbangers ball Batman….

All in all, AHMBRE and our hero Bret are still together making sweet monkey sex. Which goes to show you ladies, if a man asked you to make sweet monkey sex you A.) Do it. B.) keep that man, for he is a keeper!

Sidebar: One time back in middle school we were all treated to the annual field trip of going to the zoo. (if you can already see where this is going, your powers of deduction are to great for you to be wasting them here! You must go! GO for the good of the city.*) During our trip to the zoo it was not only a great way of missing school, but the perfect opportunity to show that special young lady, just how much you care by purchasing her a Churro and a Soda and attempting to get to 1st base in the Atrium. Neither of these actually happened for me cause my mom was always too stubborn to give me any money to spend at the zoo. I did however have the sack lunch while other kids got to buy Penguin Pizza slices, Bear Burgers, and Fox Fries. But I digress, while walking through the monkey exhibit holding hands with my current hottie o’ the week, there they were…. in all thier amorous glory. Doing it. The monkeys felt it the perfect time to not only let us into thier wild kingdom, but help explain mammals having sex. Complete with visual aids. Needles to say, I did not get to first, or any base for that matter. But I can indeed tell you, when Bret asked AHMBRE for Monkey Sex, not only did i flinch and cringe, but I thought fondly of Michelle.

Sorry for the sidebar.

I know in my last two Reality Round Ups I’ve failed to mention American Idol, and I feel like a 14 year old girl, but watching two weeks ago (or so) David Cook did a version of Always Be My Baby, a cover of Mariah Carey, that literally gave me goosebumps… holy shit it was good. He completely transformed a girly pop anthem, into something dark and brooding that you could hear on alternative rock stations across the country… it was that good! Seriously. You can check it out at iTunes. It’s worth it.

David Cook, stepped forward to be my favorite.
David Archuletta, Brooke White, and Syesha Mercado are still sticking around…

Well here is the end of Reality Round up 4/21…. I’d write about the Hills, but seriously. This season really really fucking sucks.

But for those “fans” here are some highlights.

LC and Heidi can’t be friends.
I like that LO is back in the picture. She seems like a fun girl.
Spencer is still a complete douche. It also irritates me knowing that they’re making television appearances together. Search Regis and Kelly. OH, But here is something. If ANYONE can find Heidi Rapping on TRL, I’ll pay them 10 bucks… seriously. That was the most god awful display of a rich white bitch from beverly hills attempting to rap. God she sounded just like the way my grandma would rap… I’m not kidding.
Did anyone see that Justin Bobby came back? Ya did? Cool. Did you also notice when he made his appearance, he look like Don Quixote? Do a Google image search on that one…
I hope at some point those bitches aren’t famous. NO free handout jobs, no sweet ass house that no one I know at that age can really afford. I’m probably just a bit bitter.

whatever.

Reality Round up this week. Point. Less!

* Deduction portion of the blog is brought to you by the Comic Book Store Guy from the Simpsons. One of my all time favorite characters.





Nature 2. Hippies 0.

13 04 2008

I am a very proud member of Netflix. I absolutely love this service. It’s basically Hollywood Video or Blockbuster on the internet. I honestly believe that everyone should take part in Netflix. It’s so freakin simple to get the movies you want to see without having to deal with a membership card, or late fees, or the pre-teen customer service one has come to find at such video stores.

These past couple of weeks I rented two similar movies that really got me to thinking. I rented Grizzly Man and Into the Wild. Grizzly Man was a documentary about a man who spent 13 summer with the Grizzly bears in Kodiak Alaska, while Into the Wild was a movie about a young man who gave up all his material possessions to live in Alaska. Both are true stories.

Here is where I have my problems. I hate hippies. That’s right you heard me. I hate hippies.

Sometimes I think hippies ideals are valid. That they may have some really good ideas. Then I realize after watching the movies that I did, that hippies are stupid. Like literally stupid. Here’s where I make my point.
(Caution Spoilers to both movies coming up.)

In both cases of these movies the people died! And I’m not talking some nice peaceful death, I’m talking gruesome Mother Nature giving you the bird death. The first hippie Timothy Treadwell who spent 13 summers with the grizzlies often thought “The bears are my friends, I have respect for the bears, so they won’t hurt me.” Well Tim, guess what, Mother Nature said Fuck you, and some grizzly bear gnawed off your face. Literally. So much for being in love with nature, idiot.
(ps the whole documentary is video from him filming himself. However, the bear attack came so quick, he couldn’t get the lens cap off. Sound was rolling.)

The second guy, died because he too put his faith in mother nature and though he could live off the earth. Which, kudos to you man, he pulled off for 9 weeks. Then bam! Put too much faith in a book about plants and ate one, and again mother nature said AH Fuck you! Dude dies of starvation. Which goes to show you hippies, don’t put too much faith in books. They’ll kill you.

I applaud people for having beliefs and loving Mother Nature. But I wish hippies would key into one factor, nature is a woman people. That’s right Mother Nature. And just like a woman, the minute you think you’ve figured it out, she freaks out and gives you the silent treatment. And all you want as a guy is to fix it, but she just keeps saying “I shouldn’t have to tell you what’s wrong with me, you should already know!” But of course you don’t know so she punishes you in the worst way possible. (which is all dependent on each relationship) In this case, Mother Nature likes to show you who REALLY wears the pants in the relationship, and gives you the ultimate fuck you!

Speaking of, I wish the hippies that are invading the trees so a college football statium’s construction will be halted would set aside their hippie ways for just a couple hours, rent a DVD player and watch Grizzly Man and Into the Wild. Hopefully they’ll realize that even though they respect the trees, those trees are just a part of mother natures wrath….

Come to think of it, maybe they shouldn’t be clued into the evil ways of Muther Effing Nature.

Sorry if that felt a little too much like a rant…

I thought I’d leave you with some upcoming movies that I would like to see.

Starting with Step Brothers.

I dunno what it is, I just think it look hilarious! Like really freakin Hilarious. Love Will.

The next movie I REALLY want to see is The Happening. It’s by one of my favorite directors of all time, M. Night Shyamalan! That’s right, I really like his work. I think a lot of people just didn’t understand Unbreakable and for the love of god, Signs still freaks me out! I just felt as if he did a great job of making peoples reactions “real.” Anyway, here’s the trailer….

(ps, there is currently a bug flying around the light above me as I write this…. literally freaking me the fuck out. (dammit, I promised myself that I had reached my F word quotient for the blog. Son of a bitch, now I feel bad.))

Next up is Son of Rambow. I’ve got this wierd likely for english humor. Like I love Monty Python, The Black Adder, and my favorite new show Top Gear. So when I came across this little trailer I was genuinely excited… here it is, enjoy.

Well there it is for the night. Hope you enjoyed the blog…. Want all of you to know, I did watch the RoL2 season finale and a full recap will be coming shortly! Until then.





Reality Round Up 4/7

8 04 2008

Can I just say, what a great couple of days in the world of reality TV.

First things first, we start off with American Idol.

David. Check.
Brooke. Check.
Syesha. Check.

Moving on.

So Rock of Love season two continues with our Heroines back at home after a harrowing couple of days in Las Vegas. Bret decides to be the “nice guy” and bring in the parents of the final three girls. Destiny, AHMBRE, and Daisy. But wait, there is a catch. Turns out our favorite Daisy doesn’t have parents. That’s right folks she was a bastard child raised by wolves in the desert. Only to be found by a Bear and Jaguar and raised as a man cub….. wait. Shit, my bad that was the plot to Disney’s the Jungle Book. (Also Ruyard Kiplings book. geeks.)

Daisy doesn’t have parents, instead she has her ex-boyfriend, Charles’ sister representing her parents. Is it just me or would this be a problem in everyday dating. Like EVERYTHING about Daisy’s life revolves around her legs wrapped around a pole, and Charles. If Bret were smart, he’d be cutting her ass faster than Destiny cuts her wrists at an Emo show. (low blow?)

Later on in the episode, we find out that AHMBRE, is actually rocking the ripe old age of 37, NOT 31 as she previously told the girls and Bret Michaels. Leave it to good ole dad to rat you out. Like what the hell was he thinking? He’s gotta be wanting a grandchild or two, ratting out your daughters REAL age isn’t actually going to help things DAD? Good Lord what a jerk. I’m thinking Dad’s in for a world of hurt when it comes down to AHMBRE picking out his retirement home. More than likely it’s actually just going to be in AHMBRE’s house down in the basement with all of her cats keeping him company while the kids who live on the street keep shouting “Don’t go to Crazy Lady AHMBRE’s house, there’s a something alive in the basement!!!”

Right before elimination we find out that AHMBRE and Daisy are both in love with the Hero Bret Michaels, while the party hard groupie chick Destiny is not.

In literature, we are taught that sometimes the main character has a fatal flaw that he or she cannot see. While some people it’s hidden deep within emotions or an action they make, others it’s so obvious a coke sniffing stripper can figure it out. And so we had the BEST elimination ever. As Bret confronts Daisy with more skeletons in her closet, she flips it around and calls out Destiny on her fatal flaw of lack of Love for Bret. Which in turn leaves Bret no choice but to eliminate Destiny, and let her get back to her groupie loving ways. Which in all honestly is where she’d rather be in the first place. ps Destiny, it’s called Rock of LOVE, not Rock of Have sex with another person in a band on national TV.

One thing that would piss me right off, is getting a tattoo, and then getting my ass cut. Of course that is me, and not Destiny, so she’s probably ok with it. I mean, it sucks that you got that tattoo, but hey, it’s ten times better than getting your rack signed with a sharpie!

So now on to the Hills. Which again was a 2 episode night. I really wish they would stop doing that, casue it’s really effing with my mojo. I want ONE clear concise episode. But what I’m getting is one pretty good episode, followed by another episode, that just bugs the shit out of me with the previews for next week leaving me wanting more. (Good lord that was one awesome run on sentence. And I don’t even care!)

I’m going to mainly deal with the first episode, cause as previously stated the second episode sucked.

LC and Stephanie are becoming close friends through thier class together at some fashion shmashion place in LA. While this is ok for LC, Spencer, Heidi, Audrina and recently welcomed back LO all have a problem with her being in LC’s life. Which is understandable… she’s a meth head and a thief. Might want to keep an eye on that classy little piece of work.

While people don’t exactly like the new freindship, I freakin LOVED Stephanie in last night episode! And basically it’s because she talks shit to Spencer so much. If they weren’t related I would swear she hates him. I do.

Which reminds me, did anyone see that Spencer got his own advice column? Really this douchbag gets his OWN advice column. Who the fuck was the editor in chief of that magazine? Lets take a look at his first Q&A ….. It’s entitled… Yo Spencer!

YO SPENCER! How do you deal with weak people and haters?
With weak people, you can only try to give them confidence and pump them up. To be honest, you don’t need them around you. I try to put myself around really strong people. Haters you should love. Hatred stems from jealousy at some point. If people aren’t hating on you, they don’t care, and if they don’t care, that means you’re not doing anything right. I love my haters. I don’t hate them back at all. You can turn so many haters around once they meet you. I’m like, “Thanks, I get it, I’m an idiot,” and they’re like, “Woo! He’s an idiot! He’s so cool!” I flipped a couple haters at Benihana just last night.

I seriously hate that guy.

ps, if I ever meet Spencer, there will be no turning me around. I hate that guy.

So anyway, the show ends, with all of the girls questioning friendships etc etc…. oh and LC and Brody have lunch. Which leads me to another point. When he called her out about being dumb in the club and saying “where’s your girlfriend??” I was just waiting and hoping she was replied, “yeah, that was my bad, I was pretty shitfaced that night.” Not once has that ever happen. How am I supposed to believe that people that go out that much don’t get hammered on a consistant basis. I know I did. And hell there were lots of mornings where I’d say…. yeah I’m sorry I said that… I was really wasted. Give me some reality MTV I can take it. I don’t need a veil over my eyes. If I wanna see some LC drunken stupor I should be able to!

I almost forgot…. this epiphany hit me while watching the Hills last night. Let me know what you think.
Hiedi Montag

Yeah?!?!? Anyone? Bubbles from Finding Nemo, and Heidi??

Sorry, I really feel as if I’ve rambled for too long so I’ll leave you with a synopsis of episode 2. Audrina and Heidi become friends again. Whitney shows up some other girl at work (could have been episode one.) LC helps out Whitney at Work…. Whitney’s boss is still cranky and old. (Probably single) Audrina borrowed one of Justin-Bobby’s head wraps. All ends well until next week.

If you’ve read this far, I want to thank you…. I really do appreciate it. I’ll leave you with some other reality shows that have come back that I’m obsessed with. #1 Top Chef on Bravo, and Hells Kitchen on Fox. Not sure anyone cares enough to have me review them, then again not sure any cares enough to have me review these shows. Basically all I”m saying is check those shows out too… I don’t think you’ll be upset!





Reality Roundup 3/31

31 03 2008

Well boys and girls here comes another installment of Reality Round-Up… where I basically give you MY opinion on MY favorite reality shows.

With that being said, I’m still digging American Idol. Only because my 3 favorites are still around. Brooke, David, and Syesha. There we go… that sums up that show.

On to my favorite of all time. Rock of Love. This week Bret decides to take all the lovely (not a word I’d use) ladies to Las Vegas for a weekend of fun and debauchery! Heather is still around and she decides to play Puppet Master with these highly intelligent bachelorettes. Which pretty much means she can bend them to her will, cause, for the most part they believe every word that comes out of Heaters mouth, and she can kick all their asses. At once.

So she targets both Destiny and Ambre (ps this is probably the most effed up thing about Ambre… it’s the way her name is being spelled. Ambre? WTF kinda crap is that? Every time I see her name splashed across the screen, I feel like I’m watching the episode of 90120 where the girls have the sleep over and the mean bitch gives Aundrea shit for saying her name AWE-NDREA….instead of AN-DREA. It’s all a little pretentious. And yes, I learned about the word pretentious from Beverly Hills 90210.) She essentially gets them to turn on our beloved special needs child, Daisy.

Meanwhile back at the golf range, Jessica attempts to win Brets heart by making out with him after every shot. Here’s the rub. The girl played golf in high school (not shocking cause all the innocent girls I knew did too) and she turned out being really good at golf… what sucks was the whole point of golf is to get the lowest number of shots. Which in turns mean making out the fewest amount of time possible. Which also lead to Destiny lifting her skirt in the air, and showing Bret her ass…. very much like a dog in heat. Coincidence i think not.

After the golf date the girls return home to Daisy and AHMBRE who are excited for their steak dinner with Bret Michaels. Nothing says American more than steak ladies and gentlemen. Whilst there Bret attempts to have a heart to heart with Daisy but realizes that talking to her is getting him nowhere. So he takes out his key and jingles them around, getting quite the reaction from Daisy. Ooooooh Shiny. (So what if this scene didn’t actually happen on the show. It happened on my couch during the commercials.) AHMBRE now decides her new found hatred for the “Special One” shall now come to light. AHMBRE attacks Daisy left and right attempting to make her look bad. Which is something that is

    awfully

hard to do when Daisy’s main argument is this…. Daisy’s Boobs It’s a losing battle AHMBRE.

Long story short, the girls (aside from Jessica) all lay into Daisy about her living situation and her ex Charles. She gets upsets, starts stuttering like she’s got turrets, all in all bad night for Daisy. Bret has to leave, giving the sole responsibility to Big John to take care of the ladies. Score.

The next day Bret meets with Jess and Daisy. He give Jessica the kiss of death by saying “she’s not Jaded,” which she’s not. If she had really wanted to prove that she wasn’t innocent she would have oiled herself up and done him in the bowling alley. Nothing says I’m not innocent like screwing in a bowling alley. Which is funny cause that is synonymous with being white trash.

Daisy’s meeting didn’t go quite as planned. As it turns out, Daisy had a previous encounter than none other than CC Deville! CC DEVILLE????? That’s right Bret’s former Band mate from Poison had been hanging out with Daisy. Of course Bret asked Daisy if they had shared a physical relationship to which she replied no.

Which actually got me to thinking. Is Bret REALLY that concerned with a girl that may or may not have had sex with a band mate? I mean, is he more upset that they may have had sex seperately? Cuase I’m almost positive that Bret and CC probably “shared” a woman or two back in the 80’s. Think about it people it was the 80’s, they were a hair band, cocaine was in supply, they had to have done it at least once. Right? I mean why else would you be in a band?

Anyway, the kiss of death proved fatal to our sweet little Jessica and Bret eliminated her at the end. Which, I’ll take this time to publicly say, my friend Blondie was right. I missed out on Brets overwhelming desire to have crazy bitches with huge breast hanging around, and predicted Heathers hatred for Daisy would get her ass sent home. Alas, not having sex on a golf course/bowling alley is actually your downfall.

Pour one out for our sweet Jessica.

I’ll keep this one short, because lets be honest… the two episodes of The Hills tonight sucked. Like really bad sucked. Nothing happen. I feel as if a lot of it is building for some other life altering events, but as for these two episodes. Lame. So here’s the rundown.
Lauren goes to school. (ps was it just me or did LC look way hot in the secretary/librarian glasses?)
Spencer still a douche.
Spencer’s sister, goes to school with Lauren… budding freindship that can only result in drama.
The big news, i think is Whitney moved on from Teen Vogue on to some other fashion thingy. I’m pretty sure our friend Whitney is going to fail at this job, becuase she’s so nice and her boss is pretty blunt and seems tough. To characteristics that I think may trouble the heroin.

Which, leads me to this, and it will be my last for this reality roundup. Is it just me, or are the ladies of fashion really weathered looking? I mean I understand that their jobs create a lot of stress, and anxiety, but seriously. Those two ladies looked mean, and tough, and not very nice. But kudos to them for climbing the corporate ladder!





Reality Round-Up 3/25

25 03 2008

It’s Tuesday morning and I’ve decided that I’d do a little round-up/summary of this weekends Reality shows that I watch. (Not including American Idol, cause I haven’t watched that show in a week or two… Ps, as long as David Archuleta, Syesha Mercado, and Brooke White all stick around I’ll still have some sort of vested interest.)

So Sunday night I continued my Love Affair with Rock of Love. Last week was especially hard for me, seeing as how Kristy Jo was booted off. Well…. not booted off, she chose to go. It was pretty heart breaking for me and for Bret. Not only did he lose the love of his life, but I lost my office pool. And by office pool I mean me and my dog Bobbie, who’s half retarded, so I’m not sure her bet counts. Bret was SO heartbroken he didn’t even stay to have a beer. WTF??? No beer? There is no way Bret didn’t stay and have a beer. What is this world coming to? It must really be true that Bret loves the Crazies. Cuase I mean Kristy Jo, was “TBIC” crazy.

On to this weeks episode in which Bret brings the ladies ex boyfriends (and one “best friend”) to the mansion to meet up and get some dirt. In addition, in brings in former cast member Heather to get the dish on the ladies! And holy hell, does she ever. First, however, Bret attempts to make nice with the boys. Which by all intense purposes was a shitty 15 minutes of my life. All of them were pretty much there to be pretty on TV. Except Adam, Ambers best friend. Genuine guy who deep down is secretly in love with Amber, but doesn’t have the eyeliner/bandana power to ask her out. Anyway, the guys basically play nice, when they had every oppotunity to stab each girl in the back. Kudos to you gentlemen. (I use that term VERY loosely)

Back to Heather at the homestead and the big revelations of the night….
#1. Megan was formally on a reality show Beauty and the Geek. (I may or may not have already known this the second I saw her. Which translates into me watching Beauty and the Geek.)
#2. Destiny is a groupie. Really??? Shocker!
#3. Little Jessica can’t hold her liquor. Gets REALLY wasted tackles girls, Bret, the fake marble statues, and Big John. Oh some mention of her being really innocent.
(Line of the night did come when Bret got back and Jessica was tossed… “It’s ok, I remember my Freshman year too.” HOLY HELL did I start busting up. Do you? Do you REALLY remember your freshman year Bret Michaels?
#4. Amber’s a nice girl. And BOOOOOOORING. Good gosh, cause some controversy for the love of Bret.
#5. The shocker of the night, Daisy still LIVES with her gorgeous/pretty/beautiful ex boyfriend. Seriously when Bret, Daisy, and Charles were all on screen I swear to god it was an advertisement for MAC cosmetics, Vidal Sasoon Hair Products, Claire’s Accesories, and Trojan Condoms.

oh and Ed Hardy. WTF?

This all comes out, and it’s time for Bret to make a decision. And it basically comes down to the fact the Bret’s afraid that poor hot little Playboy Bunny Megan is only in it to advance her career. Damn you ex boyfriend! DAMN YOU!!!!!!
So we’re left with Destiny, Amber, Daisy, and Innocent “Can’t Hold My Liquor” Jessica. I’m still thinking Daisy can pull out the win (another pun intended) but watching previews of next week have me questioning that outcome. Which is totally awesome for me, because if Daisy leaves, then I feel as if none of the other girls are fit for Bret which means they wont last, which ultimately means, Rock of Love 3! BOO YAH!

I’m not going to lie to you all. Last night a show came back that I’ve been secretly waiting for.

The Hills.

Thats right I’m a closet (not anymore) Hills fan. I’m not sure what it is about the show, but I just love it. It’s a guilty pleasure and I couldn’t wait for it to get back on air. (ps I find it odd that a “reality” show started new episodes “after” the writers strike, but whatev.)

So we join our friends Lauren and Whitney in Paris for Teen Vogues Ball. Blah blah blah… boring boring boring…. Lauren runs into some douche French dudes, which isn’t a stereotype it’s just the truth. Lauren ruins a dress convienently gets a brand new one from a store whos named gets splashed across the bottom, ball goes off without a hitch, Lauren gets a motorcycle ride from Douchey Frenchman #1 all is good. Oh but Brody has a gf back at home. Took him two days… well no shit, he’s rich. And He lives in LA. Rich and LA are two qualifications for most whores. I’m sure this drama will continue well into the season. Yay!

The train-wreck of the whole show was indeed King of All Douchebags Spencer and Heidi. We left them as Heidi had taken off to go home leaving the smartest guy alive home in LA. Flash forward to this season, and Douchebag with no upper lip, cannot get a hold of the love of his life. She wont return his calls, he’s left her so many messages that her mailbox is full, and she’s in Colorado. So what does he decide to do? GO TO COLORADO??? WTF??? Who does this? You’re a fucking idiot along with being a douchebag. Not only that but once he arrives in town Heidi’s parents don’t want him around! Like at all! They want him gone. And so does Heidi. It was a train-wreck.

My favorite part had to have been when Heidi toasted her family, and not Spencer, right in front of him. Take the hint dumbass! take the hint! GO THE FUCK HOME! I have no idea how someone in this world can be that stupid, ignorant, and dumb all together. It literally boggles my mind. What a effing douchenozzle. So that’s that, I’m looking forward to an excellent season of The Hills, and I’m not ashamed to admit it. I will however leave you with this parting piece. For those of you who don’t read Perez Hilton I just want to share this little picture he created that sums up my feelings for the worst Subject of a Man in the world…..

Spencer Beavis

The only thing missing from the Hills last night was Audrina. Which makes me sad.