Sometimes I Don’t Follow The Cool Kids

2 03 2008

Sometimes I don’t follow the cool kids. I’ll not jump on the bandwagon of things that are cool and hip.

For example, I just started watching Arrested Development. Like not catching the new season or what not, actually watching the first season on DVD last night. I liked it so much I finished the whole first season the last night. It was fantastically sarcastic, witty, and funny. Jason Bateman stars and dammit he’s just funny. One of my favorite rolls that he’s done was the sports anchor in Dodgeball…. Effin A, Cotton. Effin A. Hilarity.

Oh, heres one of my favorite lines from Arrested Development.
Mom: “Well, I’m going to the Hospital Bar.”
Jason: “Mom, hospitals don’t have bars.”
Mom: “no wonder people hate hospitals.”

I don’t know why. I just thought it was hilarious.

Anyway. Not catching the bus the first time I think can be a good thing. Gives me time to evaluate my priorities. Like hookah. Unless you’re 18 and about ready to go out cosmic bowling. you probably shouldn’t be smoking hookah. Seriously. It’s flavored tobacco. Cool i get that. Tastes good. I get that. What I don’t get is this…

If you’re a guy in your mid to late 20’s would you ever consider smoking blackberry, raspberry, or peach cigarettes? No, you say?? Would people make fun of you and call you “gay” for smoking fruity cigarettes? Ya think? Maybe? I mean you’re are essentially smoking flavored cigarettes. (Minus the nicotine and all it’s harmful truth commercials.) Might want to look into that a bit. I’m just sayin. Plus it’s something cool hip and trendy from another country so of course white people can latch on to it. Might as well be featured on

So this all brings me to my point. Recently I decided to follow all the cool kids and go see Cloverfield the day after it came out. I’m not going to lie, I was taken in by viral marketing, and the intenseness of the creepy preview. And of course one of my good friends gave a glowing review.

KHam “It’s really good!!”
Me: “Really!?”
KHam “Yeah, it’s really good.”
Me: “What’s good about it?”
KHam: “It’s just good.”
Me: “well damn, I can’t argue with that. Sign me up!”

So I went to see Cloverfield.

See I don’t feel I’ve ever been able to talk about Cloverfield because I blogged on MySpace, and Cloverfield did extensive marketing on MySpace, and I just didn’t want to feel Toms rath but…………

It sucked! Like it was terrible. Like really bad. I got sucked in. All the people in the world who loved it I actually question if we’d seen the same movie. I kept going to movie reviews all over the net…
“it’s great” (it wasn’t)
“A scary thrill ride” (it’s not)
“you’ll be on the edge of your seat.” (you won’t)

I couldn’t believe my eyes. What had this world come to??
You may even be reading this and saying, gee, I really liked it. Why did you hate it so much.

Well obviously not real person asking me a fake question on my blog, here are some of the reasons (actually all of them) why I hated Cloverfield.

#1. Could they have gotten more generic people to be the characters. It’s like they picked them up off the street… Ok you with your old navy sport coat and unkempt hair, you’re in. Um you pretty girl… yeah you’re in. You… yeah awkward looking social outcast… totally IN! oooh and you, with your trendy t-shirt, and unkepmt beard and hair, you’re older brother. And you, yeah you black girl, you’re totally in. They were boring, lame cookie cutter characters.

#2 Speaking of the black girl, did anyone else notice that in the melting pot of the WORLD, there were two black people. Two. One main character, and the dude from the military. Two. In New York. You may as well have been tearing down Salt Lake City with those staggering diversity numbers.

#3 Let me get this straight. Monster invades. Blows out windows with his footsteps (important for another point later on.) Everyone is running away. On a bridge. Big brother gets crushed by gigantic tail. Back to the city. Main character gets the muther effing urge to save a girl he’s slept with once, and was probably sleeping with another dude????? SERIOUSLY. The were upset for like 2 mins after big bro gets its, then lover-boy is going after some slut, that was going to sleep with someone else. No way. No way in hell. I mean imagine he gets back to her apartment (another point) and there they are in all their naked glory just after doing it smoking cigarettes. I guess this is the movies, so it wouldn’t happen. But in real life, (and by real life I mean mine) that’s what would happen to me.

4. The big scary scene in the movie is when our handsome group travel to the subway tunnels to get from place to place. People would ask me, didn’t you find that scene scary? No, and here is why. Who the fuck seriously things the subway tunnels of New York city are safe?? Who?? NO ONE. So of course something was going to get them in there. of course.

5. When they went back to find the main characters whore, they come across her apartment building that is LEANING against another building. LEEEEAAANING!! Leaning on another building. If there is anything we know in this world, it’s that building aren’t really that sturdy. But alas, that is the only way they could get to lover-boy’s whore. (Which again was another epically stupid bit of filmmaking.)

6. Towards the end of the movie, most of the characters are dead. Three remain, they’ve made it till morning. We all assume them to be safe. And that is how we get the footage that was shot. Then out of no where the monster (that previously made your seat rumble with bass every step, and blew out the storefront windows) SNUCK UP on our wary travelers. How in the name of all that is good and holy, did the monster sneak up on the characters? Theres no way! NO EFFING WAY! God this part was stupid.

7. Last but not least, as I’ve previously mentioned in other posts, I worked at a Best Buy. In digital cameras/camcorders to be exact. Not one camera in the entire building has more than a 3 hour battery. I mean yes, you can buy a battery, but judging by the cookie cutter characters, those douchebags came into the Best Buy and said,

DB: “I want the best digital camcorder and a bag.”
Sales associate: “Would you like a battery? Or our Service plan?”
DB: “How long can I get with the battery it comes with?”
Sales associate: “About three hours. Assuming you don’t use night vision.”
DB: “naw, I’ll be good.” (with a douchebag smirk insinuating he was shooting porn, which in fact he was not.)

Plus not only would the battery not survive. The camera itself woudn’t have survived a bridge collapsing on it.

The film style didn’t bother me. You know the Blair Witch style of filming. I was ok with that. However. I was not ok with the above list.

Next time, maybe I’ll listen to my instincts and skip out on what all the cool kids are doing. Which reminds, me. I need to shave and get a hair cut. Oh, and stop by Old Navy, there is a sale on blazers.

Ps if you want to be one of the cool kids, Cloverfield is coming out on DVD pretty soon. Make sure you’re first in line.