Kentucky, Tequila…..

4 05 2008

So as we all know television on Saturdays for the most part really sucks. A lot of re-runs, a lot of stupid sports most people have never heard of, and more than likely The Goonies, Roadhouse, or Back to the Future are on some channel.

(I”m pretty positive that those three movies have contracts with all the networks in the world to continue to play those movies over and over again. Not that I’m complaining, I happen to love the Goonies, and I’m not going to lie, I can’t pass up watching Roadhouse every time it’s on TV. There is just something about Patrick Swayze carrying around his own medical history every time he gets in a bar fight. Which if you’ve seen the movie is roughly every 10 minutes, when Swayze isn’t having sex, being zen, or training. Plus there is a dope scene with a polar bear.)

Anyway, sorry for that tangent. My point is, this past Saturday I was channel surfing through the channels. I happened to catch Tila Tequila’s reality show, A Shot of Love 2. I’m not going to lie. I totally watched the first season. In secret of course. Part of the reason I think was because it was a even bigger train wreck than Rock of Love. Which as everyone knows is pretty hard to top. So I’m watching Tila, which for the record, I can’t figure out why she’s famous, or why she has her own show.

I happen to think that a camera crew following me and some of my friends around on any given theme party, a random weekend, or a Thirsty Thursday would provide tons and tons of material for people to enjoy for at least a 12 episode arc. Plus if MTV’s needed another reality dating show, I’m pretty sure we can totally rig something. Because it seems to me the formula for any MTV (or any dating show) consists of Alcohol, loose women, and ignorant dudes. (Also the formula for the Real World.)

So while I’m cursing myself in my head for actually watching the show I came across this fine little realization…..
This my friends is Sibrina.

Every year because I live so far from Fenway Park, I make it a priority to see some Sox games close to home. I live in the pacific northwest so the closest place for me to take in a game is in beautiful Seattle WA, and Safeco Field. On my last visit to Safeco Field to see the mighty Red Sox, my friend and I decided to meet up with one of my friends who I used to work with in radio. He usually hosted a club night and told us we could get in free. This sounded like the perfect idea. Night out the day before the game, free entrance to the club, and a quick cab ride to the venue.

We got to the club and it really could only be explained as a Coyote Ugly type bar. Chicks were tough, but hot, whiskey flowed like the salmon of Capistrano, American flags here and there, and of course a mechanical bull. They have these girls who walk around with little “beakers” for shot glasses and they’re like a dollar (or 10 but at some point I lost track.) So I’m not going to lie… I may have had 5-6 little shots pair that with 5-6 actual Jack and Cokes (and half a bottle at the hotel.)

Needless to say I was drunk. We spent the time drinking and having fun. It was a good night. The girls are trained in being teases and they do it well. I can only hope that some of my money went to help them with their college education. At one point while with my buddy one of the girls caught my eye… and it just so happened to be the mechanical bull operator! While I was my usual drunk self and didn’t introduce myself, or even say to many words to her, my good friend was competent enough to get this picture….

That’s right boys and girls, that is me in the picture, and that is indeed Sibrina from Shot of Love 2. Obviously she is my front runner to be the winner of Shot of Love but I may be biased. Turns out while watching the episode Tila and Sibrina totally make out, a lot. I’m not sure what was worse in this world…. knowing that Sibrina likes chicks, or the fact that Tila Tequila and I have the same taste in women.

After my daunting self realization I decided to change the channel. I really couldn’t find much to watch, so I settled on the Kentucky Derby. Or what I thought was the Kentucky Derby. It was in fact the Kentucky Derby Pre Show.


A Kentucky Derby Pre Show? Who the fuck thought this was a good idea? The race itself last 2 minutes. The pre show was an 2 HOURS before the actual race took place. At first I couldn’t believe what I was watching. I mean, I was actually watching the red carpet to the Kentucky Derby. There was Billy Bush interviewing “celebrities” as they walked down the red carpet. Asking them who they’re betting for, and actually just making awkward conversation. My favorite probably could have been the interaction between Billy Bush and Michael Strahan. See if you can google it.

One of the two best were Bo Derek, and Molly Simms. Wow did Molly look hot and where has she been lately. Its as if the modeling world is missing a superhero. And who knew that she was from Kentucky. So her and Ashley Judd are about the only two redeeming qualities of Kentucky. Aside from Bourbon. (and NO Kentucky basketball does not count for any type of redeeming quality.)

While former models entertained me, there was one part that stood out from the rest. You see, there is no other sport in the World that makes the attendees realize their actual place in the grand scheme of things. I mean really, the huge separation of the people with money, who sit in the Grandstands, and the po’ folk, who reside in the Infield. (Allegedly the infield is 10 times more fun than any stuffy grandstand with stupid hats.) My favorite part was when the cut to “millionaires row.” Really?!? They have a millionaires row? Where only millionaires can go? How effed up is that? But what caught my attention, was when they interview Terrel Owen in millionaires row.

You know when colleges send out their promotional pamphlets and such trying to get you to apply for thier college. Well little known fact there is a lot of thought that goes into those pamphlets. Like just exactly how many different ethnic groups are represented in any given photo. Let’s just say that the people who put that much thought into those types of photos were obviously not around for the arrangement of this particular interview. I couldn’t help but laugh seeing TO in front of the camera, with nothing but a sea of white (old) people in the background. Turns out, millionaires row is rolling in old money. I found it a tad humorous.

I’ve never really thought of Kentucky as a really progressive, forward thinking state, but allegedly I”m totally wrong. Apparently in the forming of a pre show, someone thought it would be a “fabulous” idea to have two gay guys determine the winner of the Kentucky Derby based on what the jockeys would be wearing. Here I was thinking Kentucky was a Red State.
“Yes’ Kent, this looks like a fabulous racing silk.”
“Bob I totally agree, I’m going to pick this jockey for the light blue, yellow polka dotted top.”
“I’m going to have to agree Kent, but I’m going to pick the jockey who’s wearing this green and pink top..”

It was hilarious. It was awkward. And dammit I loved every second of it. Of course neither of the riders won, and who thought they would have. That’s like picking your march madness bracket on the color of the uniforms. Never works.

at the end of the day, after Big Brown won the race, and Eight Belles had been put down, I really only had one thought about the Kentucky Derby…..

I wonder if I could pull off the Seersucker Suit?