Who Says There Are No Jobs…..

6 08 2008

So as I have continued my search for a job, I decided I would start and document some of the job offerings that are just too good to be true. Here below are some of these said jobs. I can’t believe I’m still unemployed…….

(note: all of these are from Craigslist, I’ve eliminated the email for safety purposes, but other than that all of these are straight copy and paste…. I hope you enjoy.)



Pipe layer/ Top hand (Metro Area)

Reply to: job6@craigslist.org
Date: 2008-08-06, 6:22PM PDT

Who wouldn’t want to lay pipe for a living?


Farm Help Wanted (Amboy, WA)

Reply to: j.com
Date: 2008-08-06, 4:15PM PDT

Person to do mowing, weeding, fencing and other miscellaneous jobs on a small farm in Amboy, WA. High School or College student preferred. Driver’s Licence and car required. Send an email describing yourself with age, education, work experience, and reasons for wanting the job.

Location: Amboy, WA
it’s NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests
Compensation: $10

Like 10 an hour, or just 10 dollars. I need to know, cuase my dad makes me do this shit for free.


**Themed Interior Decorator ** (South East)

Reply to: gigs@craigslist.org
Date: 2008-08-06, 3:31PM PDT

I have approx. 1000 sq ft that I want decorated for the Holiday Season.
We will have Santa Clause & Helper including MANY children.

If you are interested and have at least some PROFESSIONAL experience please respond to this ad. Please send references and photos. Thank you.

What the fuck do you need a photo for? Is it so you can judge me and make a snap judgement on whether or not I look like a pedophile?


Who wants to fold my clothes??? I DONT!!! (NE MLK/Rosa Parks)

Reply to: gigs@craigslist.org
Date: 2008-08-06, 10:53AM PDT

I am hoping someone will have time this Saturday 8/9 morning to help me with a project that I have been successfully avoiding for a couple of months. I have more clothing than Mariah Carey. That may be a slight exaggeration but when its all over the upstairs of my house, it certainly feels that abundant. I am in need of someone to help me pick it all up, fold it, throw it in the wash, hang it up and generally battle the disorganization. Im guessing it wouldnt take more than a couple of hours at the most if the two of us were to get after it. Ideally I would like to start around 9 or 10 in the morning to have it all done before noon as my mother is coming to town for the weekend. Please let me know if you are available, your hourly fee, and a little bit about you (as Im letting you in my home) and we can discuss further details. Thanks!!

Clean your own fucking room…. shit…. lazy ass.


Live Sign (SW 185th & TV Hwy)

Reply to: carlosl@esigns.com
Date: 2008-08-05, 5:12PM PDT

We are searching for someone who is very neat and presentable, who enjoys being outside, interacting with passing motorists, helping direct traffic to a builder’s development, and who also likes to make SOME QUICK MONEY!!!
The builder requires the person to wear either khaki, or black pants (no denim, please), a white shirt with a collar (polo shirt type), and if possible, a white baseball hat.
You would hold onto a sign that is shaped like an arrow, moving the sign in the direction of the arrow (you may spin the sign at times) make eye contact with approaching traffic and smile and look like you are having a good time. Please bring your music and headphones, but no sitting or smoking while working. You will take a 1/2 hr break in the middle of your shift and two short 10 minute breaks.
This is a fun interactive job. The hours are 10:30 until 5 pm Sat and 11:30 am until 6 pm on Sun, or 6.5 each day.

My favorite part….. “you may spin the sign at times.” Fucking comedic gold.
Ps this job pays more than working part time at a radio station…. i’m just sayin.


Rock Band gamer needed for Saturday Concert (Portland)

Reply to: gigs@craigslist.org
Date: 2008-08-05, 1:13PM PDT

Pro Gamer needed, expert level on the game Rock Band @ the Motley Crue concert on Aug 9th, Saturday 3pm-10pm

Must be outgoing and friendly and able to talk to crowds of people as well.

If you can play the game and you would consider yourself an expert, please email your relevant experience, along with a photo (required) to (email deleted)
with the subject line “Portland Rock Band”

$14 per hr

This is like the holy grail of Jobs!
$14 an hour for Rocking My Face off! Shiiiiiiiiitttt sign me up!


I clicked on this in hopes of meeting Tony, Carmella, AJ, and Meadow. Damn.
Soprano Wanted! (Beaverton)

Reply to: gigs@craigslist.org
Date: 2008-08-03, 10:05PM PDT

Alto, Tenor & Bass looking for soprano to round out the group. Looking for someone that can read, solo and wants to get serious. We have the better part of two sets learned or close to learned, and are looking for someone that can jump right in.

Please do not call if you can’t read music.

PLEASE do call if you can!


From The Creators Of “The Alaskan Experiment” – New Casting Call (Nationwide)

Reply to: gigs@craigslist.org
Date: 2008-07-30, 8:51AM PDT

Discovery Channel, the network that brought you “The Alaska Experiment,” is currently casting its next Alaskan adventure. They’re looking for people who think they have what it takes to live and thrive in one of nature’s most brutal environments.

http://www.gotcast.com/casting-calls/Discovery-Channels-Alaskan-Adventure/51167

Location: Nationwide
it’s NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests
Compensation: no pay

No pay and a high chance of death…. Well if that’s not the opportunity of a lifetime, I don’t know what is!


Need Picnic Clown Saturday, August 30th

Reply to: gigs@craigslist.org
Date: 2008-07-29, 8:59AM PDT

Need an excellent, engergetic, fun, experienced Picnic Clown for Games, Balloons, ect for a non-profit picnic for Saturday, August 30th 12:30-3:30 pm.
Send Resume, References and fees. Will be at local park. Apx 150 people.

Who knew you could get a clown on Craigslist…. someone jot this down.


Do you have any CIRCUS-STYLE Talents? (Portland)

Reply to: gigs@craigslist.org
Date: 2008-07-28, 5:17PM PDT

I am putting together an event in mid-August, and I’m looking for talented folk to create a circus-like atmosphere. Pay is negotiable, but I don’t have the biggest budget for the event. Thanks in advance for your interest!

REALY!?!?!?


Barbershop Quartet for a phone in (Anywhere)

Reply to: gigs@craigslist.org
Date: 2008-07-24, 6:24PM PDT

I’m looking to sing to my wife and would like to have some musical backup. If your group happens to know “Take a Chance on me”, then please contact me. This can be in person or over the phone.

Location: Anywhere
it’s NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests
Compensation: $20 and potential future gigs

20 Bucks to copy The Office…. cheap bastard.
ps if she’s your wife, one would assume she “took a chance on you.” Dumbass.


Bagpiper! i need you… (portland)

Reply to: gigs@craigslist.org
Date: 2008-07-23, 10:59PM PDT

I need a bagpiper for a wedding on Sept. 28th, in the evening. Send me any info you have (blog, website, link to hear you play?) If not, no worries, we can meet!
Please email your rates also. I’m guessing I’d need you 1-3 hours, not sure of the plan yet.
Thanks!

WORST. WEDDING. EVER.


Looking for unique people with scars

Reply to: gigs@craigslist.org
Date: 2008-07-22, 5:39PM PDT

Don’t be shy, I know you might not usually want to show people your scar(s) but this is for an awesome project.
We are photographing scars for a project. Your face does not have to be seen if you do not want it to be.
We are aiming to have this series featured in a gallery and potentially a book.

Contact us for portfolio, information, and premise.

Finally my knife fight scar is going to pay off….


Sew Leather Pants (Portland)

Reply to: gigs@craigslist.org
Date: 2008-07-18, 12:17PM PDT

We are looking for someone that can sew a pair of custom leather
mens dress pants.
The pattern is made.
Please email, must have own industrial equipment

Finally the Boy Scouts have paid off!!!!


Albinos Unite and Takeover

Reply to: gigs@craigslist.org
Date: 2008-07-13, 6:48PM PDT

I am filming the opening sequence to my show, “Waking up With Alison Sumner” It is a one minute ditty where I transform from an Albino to a Unicorn and four sweet albinos are also singing and dancing awaiting their transformation. I am designing all costumes and sets myself so the sooner I get sizes/ measurements the better. It will be fun

If ONLY I were Albino…. *sigh*


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I’m A F’ing Pageant Queen.

26 02 2008

So some of you may know….. wait. Actually non of you know cause I’ve never brought it up here.

Well then, a little bit of an backstory is necessary. You see I think one of the reasons I started blogging is because I was (still am) out of my mind bored. I was laid off from my dream job back in October.

I used to work in radio as a Music Director for an adult format station. And no, not that type of adult station. You know the type that plays Elton John, Billy Joel, and mixes in some new shit from Kelly Clarkson or Daughtry. You know, the station your mom used to listen to in the car, and the one you hear while you’re getting your teeth sanded down! Now I’m not saying this was my format of choice, but I worked my ass off and earned my way to one of a radio stations top spots.

And to be honest with you it was fun! It was the best job i’ve ever had. Quite frankly now that I think about it, that’s not really saying that much. Considering I’ve worked at a big box electronics store I shall call the “Buy More.” And I’ve worked at an indoor playground by the name of SuperPlay. Both of witch jobs if I were to still be doing, I may have chosen to slit my wrists and die.

That is all besides the point though. The point is I was laid off. 

Now being laid off has its advantages. I can play World of Warcraft all day long with only lunch/dinner and bathroom breaks to interrupt me. I can stay up till all hours of the night watching Cheaters/Elimidate/RonCo on television. I can also go to Vegas and not care about being sober enough to return to work the next day. With all these pluses comes the downside.

I don’t make any money (other than unemployment) and I have to look for a job. Now I don’t know about you but I can’t stand looking for a job. I wish the job would somehow show up on my doorstep like the baby Moses. But unfortunately that’s not the plan.

So as it happened I came across a promising job that I felt I would really enjoy. It was with a small advertising agency that I though I would do well at. I was put through the process of two interviews, in which I thought I did smashing.

I have to say, that some time in my past I actually dated pageant queen. She was Ms. Small Ass County that entitled her a trip to compete in State. If she were to win at State, it was on to Miss America, WHOO HOO *fist pump*!! Now if you’re a dude and you’re reading this, you have hopefully given me a successful internet blog high five, just for the simple fact that a dude you pseudo know bagged a pageant queen. (ps as a sidebar they’re TOTALLY not supposed to do that.) Anyway, when you’re dating a pageant queen they expect to win. They do all sorts of crazy shit for six months in attempts to win. Diet, exercise, take pills, throw up, practice their talent, practice their platform and who knows what else. Most of the time in expense of spending time with reality.

After all this is said and done a pageant queen comes away winning or losing. There really is no middle ground. When they win, all is right with the world. When they lose. EVERYTHING is wrong. Their dress was the wrong color, vaseline didn’t make me smile enough, Susie had bigger breasts, my speech wasn’t good enough, I did an 7 counts instead of 8 in my dance, the judge thought I was a whore, my platform sucked… all of these and MILLIONS more a pageant queen thinks about when they lose.

And then…. it hit me. I’m a fucking pageant queen. For the last 24 hours I’ve been sitting at home questioning what the hell happened??? I thought they liked me. Was my tie crooked, was one of the girls threatened by my stunning good looks, did I answer a question wrong, should I have shaved for the second interview, was my hair wrong (it wasn’t) did I wear the right shoes, should I have lost a few more pounds??

I’ve been at a loss all day. I thought I nailed the interview. I thought I nailed the talent portion.

At the end of the judging process, it’s not the one with the most charisma, talent, and poise, it’s the one who fucks the judges.

Bitch.