If At First You Don’t Succeed… “F” With Someone Else’s Head…

3 03 2009

Well, I’m not going to gloat and tell you I told you so….

But really… I told you so.

Way back in the month of January when this long process began, I picked the eventual winner of the Bachelor. Sweet little vixen Melissa was the girl I picked to win it all. And, for those of you watching at home, you’ll have already seen that I was right.

Sometimes I find it hard to say those words. I was right. It’s almost like a guilty pleasure. I was right. Of course being single I get to say those words as often as possible. Which is actually all the time. This being another prime example.

I can tell you, I didn’t watch one single episode aside from this last episode, and “After the Final Rose,” which I think would have been a lot more awesome with the audience participation. The bulk of my commentary comes based on “AfTR” episode in which we see a major twist, and the Bachelors most dramatic episode ever. (Their words not mine.)

However, I would like to point out, that hot little DeAnna Pappas must have needed some sort of TV time for her time of fame has run out, because she made an appearance to try and ruin things. I keep trying to tell her, that she chose the wrong dude in the first place.

Again, I was right. What the hell. Have no idea how that happens.

I previously wrote that I was hoping that Jason “the Dumbass” Mesnik (sp) wouldn’t choose the little Vixen in hopes of me packing up this laptop moving to Dallas and trying to woo her myself. However, my dreams were crushed for a mere 15 minutes.

After the happy couple is shown we are treated to “AfTR” in which we supposed to see how the happy couple has come along. Jason is introduced, and we are warned that this is the most dramatic and potentially damaging on peoples…..blah blah blah blah……

He begins by telling the host that is relationship has changed with the little Vixen Melissa. That in fact, he doesn’t believe that they should be together (yes! *fist pump* I mean, my bad, that sucks) anymore, that they are not right for each other. Out comes Melissa in a strikingly short, low cut dress befitting a hottie from The DFW. What transpires is a brutal 15 minutes of television where poor Melissa is crushed in front of millions of viewers (or according to the host, all of America).

I couldn’t help but want to console her. Let her cry on my shoulder. Let her express her feelings of anger and rejection, by dressing up as a Dallas Cowboy cheerleader and prance around my room. This of course would have to happen with the door open because I’m not allowed to have girls in my room.

Melissa than gave us a true glimpse into how angry and hurt she was, when she started to refer to herself in the third person. I half expected her to start the angry neck thing girls get going on and waving one finger. However, she remained a classy girl and just stuck to the third person. Which was kinda funny, alarming, and awesome all at the same time. (Ps, guys, if your girlfriend or wife begins referring to herself in the third person, find out what you did, profusely apologize, and find out how comfy the couch is. Or in Jason’s case, send her packing back to Dallas in a limo. BOO YAH!)

Finally, Melissa and Jason said their goodbyes, which weren’t very cordial. In fact, Melissa made it a point to let him know “don’t call me, and don’t text me anymore.” To which I couldn’t help but think, no matter how old you are, or who you’re saying that too, I believe you will always sound as if you are in 9th grade. However she did leave out, facebook, and myspace so I think she saved some face.

It is at this time I would like to write a letter to poor disheveled Melissa.
You may skip ahead.

Melissa,
Real sorry to hear about that douche Jason. I’m not going to lie, I’m kinda glad things didn’t work out. You see, I couldn’t help but notice you were a cheerleader. I happen to really like cheerleaders. You also wore a really short, low cut dress. I too like short low cut dresses (not on me. However I do have really nice legs.) In addition to that, I am unemployed, and you have a job. I like people who have jobs. You like reality TV. I like reality TV. And finally, you are really hot, and I like really hot people. So one can only deduce that with as much as we have in common, we should totally get together sometime. It’ll be my treat. My brother works at the movies, so we can see Oscar winner Slumdog Millionaire, (I figure you’ve been taping and haven’t gotten out much) go get some chalupas from Taco Bell (coupons provided from 100 point night at a NBA game) and get some drinks (you being as hot as you are, will score them from dudes who want to buy you drinks.) I know what you’re thinking…. what a perfect night out.
Think about it…. and you know…. text me.

Look How Cute She is!!!

Look How Cute She is!!!

I’m not one hundred percent sure, but I’m thinking Melissa and I would look mighty cute together.

So Melissa leaves heartbroken and in comes Molly, and to sum it all up quickly… she takes him back. But initially, he picked Melissa, as evidenced by the ring, so therefore I win. I also couldn’t help but feel I had just watched an episode of Degrassi.

I would like to take this moment, and acknowledge the host of this fine show. Chris Harrison I believe was his name. Lets take a look at his “Bro” moments in “AtFR” shall we…

#1. When tensions run high, and Melissa is about to give Jason what he deserves, Chris quickly takes a commercial breaks taking the heat off Jason. Bro Move.
#2. He then gives Jason a moment with Melissa to say good bye. And by good bye, as Bro’s we all know, he was giving Jason a chance to obtain what is known as break up sex. However, this was denied, evidenced by a shot of Melissa walking down the hall and to the limo.
#3. While questioning new potential GF for Jason, he does the ultimate set up by planting good thoughts of them getting back together.
#4. Molly gives Jason some real tough questions in which he has no answer. (Aside from saying I’m a jackass) Chris the host, realizes this, and according to Bro code, interrupts and states, “there is a reason Jason is here Molly.” Allowing Jason not to have to answer, and start talking sweet nothings to Molly. All in hopes of getting laid. Nice Bro.
#5. Toward the end, you can see Molly grappling with the idea of what is going on, when The Ultimate Bro steps in and asks Jason, “You gotta be in love with this girl?” To which Jason obviously replies yes, for he has seen the alley oop that his Bro has given him, and slams it down with authority.

My hope, is that one day, we can all live in a world where Bros. like Chris Harrison are in abundance. Where everyman is given the gift of a god like Bro with supernatural powers to give you an all expense trip to New Zeland to have sex with two hot girls. Where, the Bro shall always be in support of you in your endeavors fighting for good, and triumphing over evil. And if by chance this day shall come long after I am dead, well then I shall swoop down from the heavens, and sing like an angel. For brethren, we have all seen the light, and we have all seen what can be. And brethren, It. Is. Good.

Amen.

Until Next Time….

SarcasmAsAWeapon@gmail.com





Because It’s Normal To Have 25 Girls Want You At The Same Time…

10 01 2009

My friends, just like the title suggests, for any real man in this world, there is never, and I repeat NEVER a time in which 25 women want you at the same time. It just doesn’t happen. Celebrities, athletes, CEOs, Rock Stars, News Anchors, and former reality TV stars are all exempt from this rule.

So we have another installment of the bachelor. This time, the guy has a kid and was previously dumped by hottie DeAnna Pappas. Which, come on people, we all knew it was going down. She ain’t yo baby momma!!

So ABC pulls on the heart strings of all the women who fell in love with Jason on the bachelorette. And honestly, what girl with any kind of heart wouldn’t? He’s pretty much a ratings gold mine. Good man, single dad, got his heart broken at the “proposal spot.” (ps, I’m calling it that from now on. The proposal spot.)

Now all the women who watched this wretched show, now automatically feel as if they have some sort of connection with Jason.

Top 5 reason why this is true.
#1. All women have seen romantic comedies. All romantic comedies are formulaic, and after the big huge drama keeping the main characters apart, they somehow work it out and there is always a happy ending. This is the happy ending that all women are craving. Even ice queens.
#2. There is a kid involved. Have you ever noticed while watching SoapNet there are commercials for the needy kids in Africa? And ever notice how there are none of the same commercials during sporting events? That’s because kids pull at the heartstrings of women. Women love kids. Even ice queens.
#3. Dude was left at the “proposal spot” after thinking everything was hunky dory. Every women has been left at some where at some point when thinking everything was hunky dory. Even ice queens.
#4. He’s from Seattle. Women love Seattle. See #1 and please reference Sleepless in Seattle. HOLY SHIT… I just realized that this is a REAL life version of Sleepless in Seattle. Son of a Bitch.
#5. Women like winning. Wait, women like beating other women. Therefore by ultimately winning at this game you obtain a couple things
   5a. You beat 24 other women
   5b. you are getting married and those other losers are not.
   5c. you successfully landed what other women could not. Take that bitch.
   5d. you won a nice new diamond ring.
   5e. you won being a new baby momma. (Big win. Don’t have to go through that whole “pregnancy” thing, you know      getting fat, irritable, cankles, etc etc. Big win. Even for ice queens.)

With that being said, while I won’t be watching the show I will have plenty of girl friends watch the show and fill me in. What I will do, is play my own little bachelor. I shall go only by what their bio says on ABC.com and judge them without rhyme or reason. Please note that all actions that happen on the show will NOT be taken into account during this judgement.

Without further ado.

First 10 eliminated…

Oh, poor girls got a 7 Head.

Dominique - Oh, poor girls got a 7 Head.

looks like a sharpie attacked, and she fended it off with her forehead.

Emily - looks like a sharpie attacked, and she fended it off with her forehead.

26 my ass...

Jackie - 26 my ass...

Jillian - Oh honey. Glamour Shots is down the hall.

Jillian - Oh honey. Glamour Shots is down the hall.

Nicole - meh.

Nicole - meh.

Raquel - Your a Jewelry designer, so you shouldn't have any problem finding your own right. ps. your also old.

Raquel - Your a Jewelry designer, so you shouldn't have any problem finding your own right. ps. your also old.

Sharon - Too old.

Sharon - Too old.

Shelby - Says your 23, but I think it's more like 42. Plus she looks baked here.

Shelby - Says your 23, but I think it's more like 42. Plus she looks baked here.

Stephanie - 7 head and Old. Not a winning combination.

Stephanie - 7 head and Old. Not a winning combination.

Treasure - yup that's her name. Your a single mom in Utah. The Lord looks down on that.

Treasure - yup that's her name. Your a single mom in Utah. The Lord looks down on that.

So those are the first 10 women let go. Which now leaves me with 15 desperate beautiful women left to choose from. 

THE 15

Stacia - Single mom... I Ain't No Baby Daddy!

Stacia - Single mom... I Ain't No Baby Daddy!

Ann - Bonus points for being a Flight Attendant and hopes of the MHC, but not enough points.

Ann - Bonus points for being a Flight Attendant and hopes of the MHC, but not enough points. Plus I'm afraid her tooth might get caught on something... just sayin.

Nikki - I saw some pics on ABC.com, and it really is sad to see this rack go.

Nikki - I saw some pics on ABC.com, and it really is sad to see this rack go.

Lisa - Hoop Earrings are for sluts.

Lisa - Hoop Earrings are for sluts.

FINAL 10

Basically these girls all cancel each other out. All of them are average looking with average jobs and all about the same age… so in essence they cancel each other out.  Plus there is some crazy eye going on with some of them. 

laruenjulieericakarimolly

TOP 5

Megan - She kinda has a little Julie Cooper thing going on here... plus hoop earrings. Oh and a kid, I told you I Ain't No Baby Daddy!

Megan - She kinda has a little Julie Cooper thing going on here... plus hoop earrings. Oh and a kid, I told you I Ain't No Baby Daddy!

 

Natalie - I wish Natalie was from the south and had a southern accent. However she's from Chicago. I'm sad to see her go.

Natalie - I wish Natalie was from the south and had a southern accent. However she's from Chicago. I'm sad to see her go.

Naomi - Her name is I MOAN backwards. She's a flight attendant. Pretty obvious 3rd place I think.

Naomi - Her name is I MOAN backwards. She's a flight attendant. Pretty obvious 3rd place I think.

THE FINALS

Shannon - Says shes 29, but she looks 22 in this picture. Which means as she grows old, she going to Continue to be hot. This obviously something you have to think about. She's also a dental hygienist, and if you've ever seen porn, you know that's a good thing. She loses points for being from Kansas. Nothing good came from Kansas.

Shannon - Says shes 29, but she looks 22 in this picture. Which means as she grows old, she going to Continue to be hot. This obviously something you have to think about. She's also a dental hygienist, and if you've ever seen porn, you know that's a good thing. She loses points for being from Kansas. Nothing good came from Kansas.

Melissa - She's 25 from Dallas TX. Right there she's a little behind in points. However, she's a real cutie, and based on some insider information she is a Dallas Cowboys Cheerleader. With that being said, being a Cheerleader (not a base) is in essence Kryptonite to me. She's a couple years younger than Shannon so that's always a plus.

Melissa - She's 25 from Dallas TX. Right there she's a little behind in points. However, she's a real cutie, and based on some insider information she is a Dallas Cowboys Cheerleader. With that being said, being a Cheerleader (not a base) is in essence Kryptonite to me. She's a couple years younger than Shannon so that's always a plus.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

So who’s the winner? Well I can tell you one thing. I spent WAAAAY too much time looking at old Dallas Cowboy Cheerleading squads. Yeah, I found Melissa pretty quickly, but DAYUM. I’m not lying when I say I put in a good 25 minutes on the Cheerleaders website. You are very welcome for all the clicks by the way. 

However, I have a job to do. I have to pick my Bachelorette to be my one and only, so we could meet at the proposal spot, and there I would  give her a ring and ask her to marry me. And all the lonely women loyal viewers would all in unison, go awwwwweee…. with a little tear shed from their eye. 

After much deliberation, and time to myself, I finally have made a decision. The winner my friends… 

 

My Bachelor Winner!

My Bachelor Winner!

While many of the other contestants fought valiantly, Melissa brought her A game. And by her A game I mean pictures of her as a cheerleader. Seriously. She should carry those around with her. I told you… Its my Kryptonite. I can’t help it. Now, my only hope is that douche dad doesn’t actually pick her, and I can move to DFW and start my courting of Ms. Melissa. 

*sigh*

I hope you all enjoy the Bachelor this season. 
Make sure to catch it Mondays at 8pm 

 

Feel Free to email…
SarcasmAsAWeapon@gmail.com 

Until Next Time…