SWAT…

23 01 2011

One who is familiar with this blog, would also know I may have a slight obsession with How I Met Your Mother. A tv show that is basically a love story in reverse. The father is telling the story of how he met his mother to his young kids all the while retelling stories from his youth about all the hi-jinx him and his friends would get into.

Well one of my favorites is non other than Barney Stinson. A one man wrecking crew as it comes to single (sometimes) ladies of New York City. Well, Mr. Stinson has quite the obsession with Laser Tag, and in a recent episode, was attempting to go to the finals of the Laser Tag championship. In taking on this quest, he asked his so called “best friends” Ted and Marshall to join, but seeing as how their awesomeness extends only to Wife-ing hot girls, and rocking a tweed sport coat like nobody’s business, they could not participate.

So Barney took to his blog to recruit some able bodied men… (and possibly some women, based on photos of themselves in a Princess Leia bikini.) I was one to take up this cause and take Barney’s team to the Championship and bring it home. For me. For Barney. And for the United States of America.

Without further ado… this is my application to join S.W.A.T. Stinsons Way Awesome Team.

I think i’m a shoe in.

Application to Stinson’s Way Awesome Team (SWAT)

Name: Withheld to protect the innocent.

Alias: Rocky, Rock, DoubleDown

Age: 30- Awesome

Weight and Height: 200 lbs. 5 foot 10

How many somersaults can you do in a row? Roughly 83

How many times have you watched “Die Hard”? Today? Like 3 times

Favorite Quote? Good morning. In less than an hour, aircraft from here will join others from around the world. And you will be launching the largest aerial battle in the history of mankind. “Mankind.” That word should have new meaning for all of us today. We can’t be consumed by our petty differences anymore. We will be united in our common interests. Perhaps it’s fate that today is the Fourth of July, and you will once again be fighting for our freedom… Not from tyranny, oppression, or persecution… but from annihilation. We are fighting for our right to live. To exist. And should we win the day, the Fourth of July will no longer be known as an American holiday, but as the day the world declared in one voice: “We will not go quietly into the night!” We will not vanish without a fight! We’re going to live on! We’re going to survive! Today we celebrate our Independence Day!

What’s your wing span? Long enough to hold a laser tag gun.

Do you own your own laser tag equipment? If so, what make and model? (Professional grade only, please) Scorpion Sub Machine Gun. Also, the model in the photo is wicked hot. http://www.battlefieldsports.com/submachinegun.htm

What martial art do you specialize in? I am actually not able to say. However, I shall let you know I am in a secret brotherhood sworn to protect our political heads, allies, and Harrison Ford.

How many years did you spend training on top of a mountain with a bushy-eybrowed old man? It took me 2 years to overcome the old man.

Did you eventually become the master? See above.

What’s your visual acuity? My visual acuity is so good, 99% of people cannot read the next few words….

Has your vision been enhanced by any sort of super-secret government nanotechnology? Also please see above about secret brotherhood. But yes.

Do you own a black turtleneck? indeed.

Does your family have a history of heart disease? (My lawyer says I have to ask this one) if by having a superhuman nanotechnoligically updated heart is a disease, then yes.

Did you grow up in a survivalist community or third world country where every day was a battle to survive? Indeed. I once killed a man just to watch him die. That and he wanted to kill me first.

If yes, did you use lasers to survive? Indubitably

What’s your favorite Mel Brooks movie? Spaceballs. The Movie.

If you answered anything other than “Spaceballs,” you can stop right here, because there’s no way you can be my partner.

Have you served in the military? Again, I am not liberty to divulge such information.

Was it one of the secret branches that you’re not supposed to talk about? No?

Did you use lasers? Super awesome ones, totally.

Can you incapacitate someone using only your pinky? Not everyone can?!? That’s shocking. I did not know that.

Would you have any moral objection to using your skills on a particularly annoying 14-year-old who’s walked away with the trophy three years running? One would say, if it’s been 3 years running, it’s about time he get knocked off his high horse…

How many corn dogs can you eat in a row? Mini : 25 Regular size: 13

NOTE: If you have boobs, tear up the application and just send a picture of yourself in Princess Leia’s gold bikini costume from “Return of the Jedi.”

I, the undersigned, residing in the county of Washington, state of Oregon, do hereby declare my intent to practice, train and participate in all laser tag related activities set forth by Barney Stinson and the Stinson’s Way Awesome Team (SWAT). I accept that submission of the above application represents my consent to participate in a Battle Royale and/or Capture the Flag to determine the most qualified applicant. I recognize the possibility of physical injury associated with said activity. I release, discharge and agree to hold harmless Barney Stinson, SWAT and his affiliated organizations and sponsors from any and all liability, claims or demands arising from my participation in the above programs, specifically to include any and all claims for personal injuries sustained while present or participating in the programs or traveling to or from events in the programs or while on trips sponsored by or in conjunction to the programs.

The undersigned have read and fully understand and agree to the forgoing.

X Removed to Protect the innocent
Applicant Signature

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An Open Letter To Rachel Bilson…

12 08 2010

Rachel,

Hey. How are you doing? I couldn’t help but overhear you are single now. I’m really sorry to hear that. Darth Vader seemed like a pretty decent guy, I mean, aside from cutting down the entire Jedi army (including young padawans) and putting the Galaxy in disarray, he seemed like a cool cat.

I also couldn’t help but overhear that you were looking to focus on your career. That’s perfect, because I have a really shitty job and would need you to continue to work so we could both live in the style we’re accustomed to.

Now that I think about it, do you have a place of your own? Cause that would be best. You see I still live at home with the ‘rents (ala Seth Cohen in season 4 of the OC.) Now don’t get me wrong, if I brought you home my parents would LOVE you! More specifically they’d love you because bringing a girl home would start to erase their ever-increasing suspicions that I might be gay.

You’re probably asking yourself, “is this too soon?” “am I emotionally available?” “do we have anything in common?” to which I would reply, no it’s not too soon, based on an episode of How I Met Your Mother (a show you were excellent on btw) there is a very small window of opportunity…

To your second question, am I emotionally available? To that I say probably not, but in the grand scheme of things and considering you are an actress, I’ll take acting like you are emotionally available and call it all good.

Lastly, do we have anything in common, yes, yes we do. For starters we both like to be fashionable at movie premiers. You dressed up something fierce at the Jumper movie premier

Fierce

I also dressed up something fierce at the last Star Wars movie. Of course by fierce I mean ferocious, like the evil Rancor monster. But either way fierce.

(ps, aside from the Star Wars reference in there, saying the word “fierce” a lot is another reason in my parents ever-growing concern that their son is gay. That and I’m watching more Project Runway.)

Lastly, Rachel, I’d like to call upon the time we spent Valentines Day together. You can’t tell me that meant nothing to you?!? I mean you could. Technically. But still I thought we shared quite the moment there. I thought we had something special. Well, now that I’ve written this letter here is your chance to prove that this could be something. I will eagerly be awaiting your reply….

Sincerely,

Me.

ps. I am not a crazy person.

Email Me (this actually is for everyone, not just Rachel. But it’d be cool if Rachel emailed me too.)
SarcasmAsAWeapon@gmail.com

Until Next time…





“A Very Special Blog Post…”

13 04 2009

So I broke down a couple weeks back. Turns out a friend of mine in radio made the final push and I cracked. I signed up for twitter. That’s right. I signed up to let everyone know what I was doing every second of the day. (Or every second I had a device capable of accessing the internet.)

I held off for as long as possible seeing as how I thought no one cared what I did minute after minute. I mean, in any given day whilst being unemployed I could give you the rundown of what I do right here.

11:45am wake up
11:46am go to the bathroom
11:47am fire up the computer.
11:49am Hopefully check emails about jobs I’ve applied for. Only to receive Facebook emails about What Disney Princess would my ex girlfriend be.
11:52am Go eat breakfast, turn on Sportscenter
12:00 back to the computer making my daily rounds. Facebook.com Perezhilton.com Barstool Sports.com and Yahoo.com
1:00pm (hopefully there was some decent stuff to read killing an apparent hour to my day.) Think about taking a shower.
1:01pm not taking a shower.
1:02pm start the online search for jobs.
2:00pm Get distracted by email from friend with a dog running into a wall, or a splendidly crafted A-Rod joke.
2:30pm Fire up the ole’ World of Warcraft.
4:00pm contemplate lunch. Eat Peanut M&M’s instead.
4:05pm now with Baseball season starting, fireup ESPN.com Gamecast of the Red Sox game. (put on in background)
4:10pm Online job search again.
5:00pm ask mom what’s for dinner.
5:10pm Contemplate another shower.
5:11pm Don’t take said shower.
5:30pm Start refreshing the Facebook and other social media sites, cause my friends are all off work.
7:00pm Watch Jeopardy.
7:31pm Hit my brother, bother one of the cats, generally annoy and bother those around me.
7:32pm PS3/Wii time
8:00pm start watching shows on TV, or turn on Hulu.com and catch up on shows I’ve missed.
9:00pm Realize that TV these days sucks. Head back to the internet for some fun.
10:00pm Most of my friends have started to doze off, refreshing of social media slows.
11:00pm Realize I’m not getting to sleep any time soon. Start up How I Met Your Mother season 1, 2, or 3.
11:15pm Start a search of the internet for something to keep me occupied. (read:pornWorld News)
3:00am Turn on Lord of the Rings, or Harry Potter and finally fall to sleep.

Done.

That is my entire day almost in it’s entirety.
Seriously, if you feel the want or desire to follow me on twitter, or you think I’m wildly attractive, and charmingly witty, then by all means… follow away.

PS. that also gives out my real last name, so if you are equally as attractive and non-crazy, please feel free to do a little stalking. I won’t mind.
(sidebar: However, if your said hotness is less than said crazy-ness please forget I said anything. In fact, that’s not even my last name. I don’t know who that dude is.
In addition if you are unaware of said crazy hot scale, please allow my friend Barney Stinson to elaborate…
I’m sure I’ve posted that before. Or at least sent it to all my guy friends on Facebook at least twice.)

I mentioned before that I have been watching a lot of TV on Hulu.com. It’s just a website that hosts tons and tons of TV shows and movies in one convenient location. Did you miss Lazy Sunday or Dick in a Box from SNL? Maybe you’re too old, and you missed all of Doogie Howser M.D. or Charles in Charge? They’re all here. Some in all of their 80’s glory.

Speaking of 80’s glory… how bout these…
When Scott Baio of Charles in Charge drops his “L’s” when talking to the Chinese food delivery guy. In the 80’s racism was still funny. (Of course as I’ve noted before, all of this changed when 90210 aired, and let all of us who were raised by the TV set know, that it was in fact NOT ok to be racist. Thanks 90210.)

What about when Hot Hot Hot Chelsea Noble, Doogie’s former babysitter, came back to visit Dr. Howser and wanted to make out with him??? Don’t remember? Neither did I, until I watched the episode and did an extensive IMDB search to find who she was…

One Hot Babysitter

One Hot Babysitter

Of course then I came to realize she’s the same lady who met this douche….

That’s right, I think Kirk Cameron is a douche. And it was only after watching the E! True Hollywood Story that I came to this conclusion. It’s widely known that Kirk himself was at the downfall of Growing Pains. One of my favorite tv shows EVER! Apparently, Kirk found God and didn’t think that playing Mike Seaver was very respectful… blah blah blah… YOU TOOK GROWING PAINS FROM ME!!!

However, congrats on the salvation thing and great success on your movies.

As one may be able to tell, I watch a lot of tv, now and in the past. Television these days is great. I love it. I have a lot of show I follow on a consistent basis. But there is one thing I miss. Some of my younger readers may not know exactly what I’m about to talk about, but I really miss “A Very Special Episode.” The 80’s made valiant attempts to teach younger viewers and their parents the dangers and pitfalls of real life. Most of life was not lived with a supplied laugh track. And when real life problems were broached in the 80’s, producers made sure that those at home were to know it was coming. And it always went a little something like this….

Probably the most famous of all “Very Special Episodes” was from Diff’rent Strokes and the child molester. I contemplated putting in some video but decided, not only was it really creepy, but it was entirely too long. If you really feel the need to see what I’m talking about, feel free to hit up YouTube and search “Diff’rent Strokes and Bicycle Man.” While that officially creeped me out I’ll leave you with this gem from Diff’rent Strokes.

I think the closest we ever had to “A Very Special Episode in the 90’s was Saved By The Bell’s Jessie’s Song in 1990. I truly believe that had this show every rocked some primetime, we would have heard…

“Join us Monday night for A Very Special Episode of Saved By The Bell, where Jessie turns to drugs while trying to get by in school.” And this would have been the promo…

So awesome. So, so awesome.

Of course, taking caffeine pills wasn’t the biggest of Jessie Spano’s worries. Not being a gigantic whore in Las Vegas was.

Until Next Time…

email me…
SarcasmAsAWeapon@gmail.com





Mourning…

21 10 2008

It’s true, I’m in mourning. My Red Sox had a valiant comeback from 3 games to 1 to force a game 7 at Tropicana Field. In which they lost.

The big story however is game 5.

I’ve mentioned before that I coach a high school soccer team and that commitment is pretty important to me. I attend all the games and assist the head coach in just about everything. In fact at one point, while our head coach was serving a suspension, I was the interim head coach for a game. We tied. But that’s not important.

That night however, I had a gigantic conflict as the Red Sox, in an elimination game were on tv. Now, mind you, I don’t leave the Sox for just about anything. Almost nothing in fact. Last year, while the Sox were in the World Series, I sat at home while all my friends were out galavanting around in slutty halloween costumes. And for those that know me, missing out on Slut Appreciation Weekend (read: Halloween) is not something I take lightly. Nor is drinking. But however the Sox were on. And I did not leave my couch.

I knew however that I was going to have to leave for my game that night. A decision I did not take lightly. I’m pretty superstitious and knowing that I would be away from my spot while supporting the Sox did not sit well with me.

At the time I left for my game, the Sox were down 5-0. I had to leave. I didn’t want to. But had too. The Sox needed me. I was letting them down, and if they lost, it was all my fault. At the game while warming up my goalkeeper, someone shouted from the side, Coach… Sox down 7-0 in the seventh.

Crushed.

My attention was turned to the game at hand. A must win for my team to have any shot at playoffs. With my rising blood pressure from the Sox, and the fact that we held a narrow, 1-0 lead in the socer game, my heart was taking a beating.

We held on to the lead, and finished with a 1-0 win, and a mighty brighter hope for playoffs. Something that hasn’t been done with our school since 95 I believe. It was a big win. It basically cancelled out the thoughts and feelings I had about the Sox losing. Until I returned home. I had realized that although we had gotten our win, the Red Sox, who I’ve been supporting since I was 8 years old, had lost.

I went to my room to check out my emails, facebook, myspace, and my phone. Upon checking my phone the strangest thing happened. I had 7 new text messages, 5 missed phone calls, and 3 new voice mails. Contrary to popular belief I DO NOT get this many messages, phone call, or voice mails in an entire week, let alone a two hour time span.

I began to read some of the text..

That Papelbon guy is good. Weird why would Paps be in. losing 7-0 why would they have a closer in. odd.
Still breathing. Yeah, why wouldn’t I be… 7-0, no one comes back from 7-0 in the 7th inning.
Well hot damn. Hot damn, what… we were down 7-0 in the 7th inning.
You best be watching!! Well I would like, to, but I’m not sure what you’re all excited about.. it’s 7-0 in the 7th inning.

So at this point, I decided to check ESPN.com… and there it was… the Sox had pulled off the most incredible, improbable comeback of the ALCS history. The Sox had come back from 7-0 in the 7th inning to win the game!

I was in shock, the next couple minutes of my life I actually don’t remember. I tried texting my friends, back but I’m pretty sure it was incoherent nonsense. They came back. They won. They were destined for #3. Of course, we all know what happened. And if you don’t well shame on you. Sox took game 6 and pushed a game 7 which they gallantly lost.

At least now I can go out for Slut Appreciation Weekend. Bonus.

I’ve been in mourning for the last couple of days. It stings, and it hurts. We got beat by a great team. They were good. They ARE good. In fact I think the Rays are so good, that not only will they win the WS, but the Sox got the best scouting report on their 2010 roster.

My life is returning to normal. In fact, in other news, I’ve taken a job working at a large warehouse chain made popular by the movie Employee of the Month. I worked there a long time ago right after high school. So almost ten years ago did I work there. Which turns out was to my benefit because a lot of the same people are STILL there. Amazing. I had to take a drug test so pending the drug test, I’ll be going to orientation on Thursday. Should be interesting.

Orientation, should be interesting. Not the drug test.

For those of you without DirecTV, I have to say you’re missing one of the greatest season of Friday Night Lights. This show is AMAZING. I wish I could give you all sorts of insight, and we could talk about it. Hell, no one I know has DirecTV so I can’t talk about the show without giving things away. It bothers me a lot, because there is a lot I need to discuss with my friends.

Like Lyla Garrity…

photo from Men's Health Magazine

photo from Men's Health Magazine

Sidebar: I’d like it to be known, that Minka Kelly has been knocked out of my top 5 list of hot girls. You see, while she is incredibly hot, Minka has been involved in activities that have lowered her status. Her dropping out of the list reasons are three fold…
#1. She Dated John Mayer.
#2. She’s Dating Derek Jeter.
#3. She was at a University of Texas football game.
(she was actually at the game WITH Derek Jeter… two things that are at the top of my HATE list at the SAME TIME. MINKA WHY?!?!? WHY?!?!)

or is it just me, or is coaches daughter getting a bit hotter?

Getty Images

Getty Images

Last but not least, what guy wouldn’t want to be Tim Riggins?!?! Captain of the SS Ta Ta’s.
(aside from sleeping with your best friends girlfriend, couple days after he was paralyzed… whatever.)

All these burning questions and topics I need to discuss with people.

Speaking of good tv, is anyone else watching Entourage??? It’s been awesome… all I have to say is Ari Gold is back. He’s already had some amazing lines that I’m pretty sure you can find at one of my favorite blog sites… Ari Gold quotes.. check it out. Hilarious.

Oh and How I Met Your Mother has also been great this season. The last episode was hilarious. Watch it here and enjoy….. Shelter Island

The Seattle Mariner comment was HILARIOUS.

Anway, enough from me… if you want to know, or discuss more TV here is what’s on my DVR…
The Hills
How I Met Your Mother
Big Bang Theory
Heroes
Chuck
Friday Night Lights
The Office
Grey’s Anatomy
Entourage

Speaking of Tv, this is one of the best text messages that brightened my week….
I get sick of MTV’s Parental Control and then they throw some lesbians in there and suck me back in.

these are my friends.

SarcasmAsAWeapon@gmail.com

until next time.





This Blog Is Legen… Wait For It…. Dary!!!

18 05 2008

I pretty much love How I Met Your Mother. LOVE IT! Barney Stinson is amazing. The show reminds me way to much of my own life.

I mean it’s really weird some of the parallels that I’ve drawn from some of the episodes.

Like Okay Awesome where they all go to a club in NY and the majority of the episode is done subtitles. Which was freakin awesome. Everyone who’s ever been to a club know just how hard it is to talk to someone at a club. 90% of the time, you have no idea what the other person said. Or they’re leaning in so close to your ear, that you can actually feel your eardrum being pierced with each syllable. So as of late I can’t say I’ve been a big fan of “going out” to the clubs. But when a good friend comes into town and you’ve got VIP, you go.

My good friend Ms. C(the italics are for emphasis for being that awesome, kinda like a Ms. Janet if your nasty kinda thing. In addition that will be the last mention of Ms. Janet if ya nasty ever again in this blog). came rolling into town from DC. So I made it a point to make it to the club. The whole experience reminded me of the episode. Ms C. and I hanging out having some drinks, and talking some mad shit! I mean, to everyone. Being an asshole is probably one of my favorite things to do… and when combined with some friends, and Jack, I can be pretty funny. The beauty and the parallel came because of the loud music, and no one being able to hear us except the two of us. Which is good, cause Pop-and-lock dude probably would have wanted to kick my ass. Which, considering, would be merited.

Another parallel that actually came from that same episode was when Barney unwittingly was dancing with his cousin. And after laughing my ass off, I couldn’t help but realize this was another parallel in my life. Wait, not my life, but essentially a friend of a friend may or may not have dated a cousin of theirs. Allegedly the cousin was twice removed or through marriage so “technically” ok, but still… another strange parallel.

Then of course there is the episode where Barney goes after the cougar. A little time back my friend Mr. Royal had moved and we didn’t spend the quality time we used to. Back in the day we used to know who each of us was “running game” on and whether or not we approved. (we totally did 99% percent of the time cause are standards are AWESOME.) Well once the move took place we didn’t quite have the communication about the lady friends we once did. So it came to my surprise the day Mr. Royal had let me in on his current conquest of a cougar. I was taken aback. But I knew that if anyone was netting a cougar, at least Mr. Royal’s was hot.

Another parallel that most guys will attest to is of course the “crazy eyes.” At one point one of the characters starts dating a new girl. Upon the first meeting the two other guys notice right away that the chick has “crazy eyes.” For those of you who don’t know (ladies) some people have crazy eyes. I’m not talking about a lazy eye, or being cross eye, it is literally a window to the soul of the individual. It lets us know that you are indeed crazy. You may not be now, you may not be soon, but you will indeed be crazy… and it is in fact in the eyes.

Speaking of crazy…

This graph is true. TBIC.

Lastly one of my favorite episodes from this season was No Tomorrow. Where the main character Ted, utilizes St. Patrick’s Day to live like there is no tomorrow. Literally drinking a ton and making out with random girls. He wakes up in the morning and has to have Marshall recount his evening activities. This episode spoke to me on so many levels. First, this is one of the only tv shows to recognize SPD for what is is. Another day for people to gather and get shit faced by as early as 2 pm, on a weekday. I am not going to lie, I’ve skipped work for SPD. I’ve taken 2 days off of work one year for what can only be described as the Perfect Storm of Drinking. It happened to be the first two days of the NCAA March Madness Tournament on Thursday and Friday and SPD Celebrations all weekend long. Unlike the guys on that fateful trip, I did not die. And at some point in my life, my story of the Perfect Storm of Drinking, shall be heard.

The second part of the episode, I believe I already documented by the amount I drank and what I remember. There was no making out with girls, but I indeed had to have a friend recount some of the nights activities. Another parallel.

I’m not sure if it’s just because I’m the same age as the characters in the show. Or if it’s cause I’m going through some of the same things they are. But I love How I Met Your Mother. I think you will too. Make sure to check it out, Mondays at 8:30pm on CBS. If you have other things to do… make sure to at least Tivo it and watch when you have some free time. I can guarantee the time spent watching will be LEGENDARY!

ps… if you already watch and haven’t already, make sure to check out Barney’s blog.