Book Worm…

29 05 2009

As I’ve mentioned before, I’ve begun a new and exciting job at one of my local gyms. It’s not glamorous and the only true power I wield is letting people in the gym or allowing them to tan. Out side of that I’m pretty much a stool pigeon in dri-fit pants and a sweat wicking shirt, than more than likely won’t be doing any sweat wicking any time in the near future. (If ever)

As I told numerous friends of mine, and them knowing full well of my single status all seemed to reply with the same answer. “Well at least you’ll meet some hot girls.” Yes I may, and I shall wow them with my hourly paying salary that rivals that of my recently high school graduated brother, my snazzy pants, and my new found powers. However, at least I’ll meet some hot girls.

As I re-examined my not so high paying job, I did include meeting hot girls into the “perks” of the job. Well boys and girls, I am here to tell you there are VERY FEW hot girls that work out at my gym. I’m talking maybe 4 tops. MAYBE.

In fact, since I am the closing shift, there are absolutely NO hot girls that come strolling into work at 8-11pm to work on their fitness. Not only are there no hot girls, the 8-11pm time frame seems to be the best time for crazies, meth heads, wackos, and nut jobs to get a couple reps in. I’m not sure what calls to them. Maybe it’s the fact that no one will judge them (aside from me), or that they can be alone in the place (aside from me) with their thoughts. Whatever the case may be, we have an over abundance of crazies that work out at my gym at night.

I am thankful of being a dude as well, because if I were a girl and had to close the gym with these whack jobs, no doubt I’d be getting the heebie geebies every single night. (Let it be known, I in fact do get the heebie geebies every night, however, I feel that I could throw down if it came down to it. I mean, as long as they didn’t punch me in the face. It’s all I got.)

In addition to closing the joint down, sometimes I work 11 hour days. That’s right, 11 hours of standing at the front desk and basically allowing people to enter and use the workout equipment. I feel like James Vanderbeek in How I Met Your Mother. If you’ve seen the episode, it’s hilarious. I couldn’t find it on YouTube, and since my last two blogs didn’t have a HIMYM reference I figured I’d pony up and put on here.

Soooo… needless to say, I get a bit bored. (B. T. Dub, if it’s needless to say, then why did I say “needless to say.” English. How funny.) And whilst contemplating my boredom, I decided to start bringing books into work.

Those of you who know me may be startled at this revelation , for I believe many of you are of the understanding that my reading prowess extends no further than Calvin and Hobbes. (Yes, the comic. No, not the philosophisers.)

At first I was bringing in books from my own personal collection. Now I Can Die In Peace, by Bill Simmons. Faithful by Steven King and Stewart O’Nan. And Hate Mail from Cheerleaders by Rick Reilly. (2 outta 3 books on the Boston Red Sox. that’s battin .750 folks.) I realized that after cranking through all three of those books in one day, I would have to venture out and bring something with a little more length.

Therefore I turned to my friend Harry Potter. It is widely known that Harry Potter series are the longest books I’ve ever read in my life. Including college. I find this to be an incredible feat, while others are not so impressed. So I brought in some of my books that I one day hoped to be reading to my kid. I delved back into one of the books to begin passing the hours at the gym.

While working at the gym I interact with a wide number of people. With a bunch of different backgrounds, and different lifestyles. People come up to me asking all sorts of questions…
“Are you putting on the Game on the TVs?”
“Why is the Sauna not hot enough?”
“Why do you have a camera on the hot tub?”
“Do people do it in there?”
(so we can see if people drown, and no. No one’s done it in there. At least not to my knowledge.)
[sidebar – seriously this job is going to waste while I’m single.]

As I pass the time reading in addition to the previous gems for question, the one I get mostly is “Whatcha reading?” Now in terms of the sports books, people curiosity was satisfied with just the title, and they moved on with their workout/day.

However, in the case of Harry Potter it was often enough for people to linger and make some sort of comment about the book.
“I Love those books!”
“At least your reading something!”
“I didn’t think you knew how to read.”
“Those books really appeal to certain types of people don’t they?”

Yet my all time favorite was this…
“You must really love when the scanner magically scans my bar code on my membership card then huh?”

as a matter of fact I do. Dick.

So with that last question (and the fact that I finished Harry Potter 6 in two days) I decided I need to obtain myself some more books that would…
A.) Make me looks smart.
B.) Have the two hot girls I know inquire and then be awed by how smart and witty I am.
C.) Make me look more educated than a fourth grader.
D.) Be the new trendy book and the topic of conversations on all things “cool.”
E.) Get me through my 11 hour days.

Seeing as how I’m poor I decided the library was the best option, when it had occurred to me that I did not have a library card. It had then dawned on me, that I had no fucking clue where the library was. This endeavor was going to be harder than I thought.

I settled for a local bookstore and began my search for “the one book.” I noticed some books by Chuck Palahnuik, which I feel as if I’m somewhat obligated to buy, seeing as how he is from the Northwest. I also kinda liked Fight Club so maybe I should get another one of his books. On second thought, the cover sucked. I’m out.

Which brings me to two very important ideologies I have in regards to books.
#1. I will judge a book by it’s cover. It’s no secret that I am indeed a consumer whore, and I will buy things based on how cool they look. So if the book looks cool, chances are I’ll be much more inclined to buy it. And recommend it to friends.

#2. I believe all books came from movies. I will not falter on this.

With that being said, I feel that I should actually read some books that I tell people I’ve already read. You know, the Great Gatsby, Catch 22, that book by Jack Kerouac, The Jungle, War and Peace. But seeing as how people already think I’ve read them, what’s the point.

I lingered at the bookstore for over an hour, just perusing books that cuaght my eye. Here is the list of said books. (Not ALL of them, cause there were some really cool covers out there… )

Loose Girl – Kerry Cohen (obviously)
Tuesdays With Morrie – Mitch Albom ( My roommate in college had this. Morrie must have been a pretty cool dude to give up every Tuesday for. I mean it’s 50 cent wing night at Buffalo Wild Wings. And they have beer.)
Sasquatch – Jeff Meldrum (Not quite the hot girl lure I was hoping for, but the cover was BAD ASS!)
A-Rod – Selena Gomez – (Any book that calls A-Rod “bitch tits” is ok in my book. get it? In my book… I kill me.)
I Am Legend – (Sorry, graphic novel section)
The Raw Shark Texts – Steven Hall (Chicks dig texts. Sharks are cool. We may have a winner.)
Pride and Prejudice and Zombies – Jane Austen and Seth Grahame-Smith (I always figured that movie could use a few zombie killings. Not that I’ve seen it.)
Microserfs – Douglas Coupland (I feel like my inner geek is reaching out and begging me to buy this book. Plus I think they’re writing about my dad.)
The Five People You Meet In Heaven – Mitch Albom (Since I’m not going, no need to worry about who I’m meeting. pass.)

So my blogging friends this is my feeble attempt at getting some recommendations on some making me smart looking-conversation starter-hot girl appealing- 11 hour killing books that are…
1. Cover appealing.
2. Aren’t movies I’ve already seen.

And ps, if ONE of you mentions Tucker Max, I’m going to be pissed…

Feel Free to email me…
SarcasmAsAWeapon@gmail.com

Until Next time…





Harry Potter’s A Little Bitch, and Another F.U. From Nature…

23 04 2008

First this is just a little short post. These two stories for some reason caught my attention.

The first is a little story about Danile Radcliffe, (AKA Harry Potter)

SYDNEY (Reuters) – Daniel Radcliffe, the actor behind the boy wizard Harry Potter, is hunting for a mystery Australian girl who cast a spell on him at a film awards party, local media reported on Monday.

Radcliffe, who started playing Potter in the popular Harry Potter movies when he was 11, has often spoken about not being able to find a girlfriend.

But Sydney’s Daily Telegraph Newspaper said Radcliffe, 18, now wanted help to track down a woman he met briefly at a film event in Australia.

“She stared at me all night and I was going to get her number and then I couldn’t find her,” Radcliffe told the newspaper.

“I must have walked around that party for an hour trying to look for this girl, like some sad pathetic dweeb, but it would have been worth it.”

The Daily Telegraph has started its own search for the mystery beauty, asking the young woman to contact the newspaper.

Reuters/Nielsen

Seriously?? WTF? Harry Potter can’t get his own women?? So he’s asking the world to put in a good word? YOU GO TO HELL HARRY POTTER! Seriously. How fair is that, that you get to ask the world to give you the introduction to some woman you didn’t have the balls to talk to in the first place? And why the hell didn’t you just go talk to her? I mean, it’s not like you can’t name drop….

Harry “Hello there.”
Sweet Hot Young Lady “hi.”
Harry “How are you?”
SHYL “I’m doing good. You?”
Harry “Im doing really good. I was curious why this is taking so long for us not to be doing it already?”
SHYL “I’m not sure I understand?”
Harry “You don’t know who I am?”
SHYL “Sorry, No.”
Harry “I’m Harry Potter?”
SHYL “I’m sorry who?”
Harry “You know, Harry Potter… there are books about me. Millions of adults and kids know me. There are video games, bedsheets, gifts sets, a vibrating magic broom for heavens sake. I have my own action figure!”
SHYL “still, I’m very sorry.”
Harry “Son of a bitch…… ABRACADABRA!”
SHYL “Holy Shit you’re Harry Potter! Let’s do it”

I’m a little pissed off that Harry gets to use the media outlets to find some hot girl he bitched out on saying hi to in the first place. I mean if it were any real guy he’d watch the young lady walk out of his life, then have to resort to MySpace stalking. Once he found her, he’d have to find some sort of way to send her a message without sounding/coming off stalkerish. Which you can’t, there is no way in hell to avoid that scenario, so basically you have to lie awake at night wonder what she’s doing, where she is, who she’s with… all the while being alone.

Apox on you Harry Potter and your Sorcerous ways!

If any of you have been reading along these days, you’ll remember a little piece I wrote about how mother nature is one cranky bitch. You can read about it here (Nature 2 Hippies 0). In fact if you want this to make any sense, you’ll probably have to. Well you don’t have to. I mean, I hope you could basically pick up on the title of the blog here with the article I’m about to copy…

How sad.

Stephan Miller, a 39 year old animal trainer from Big Bear Lake, CA, was attacked by a grizzly bear on Tuesday at the Predators in Action wild animal training center.

Two other handlers were working with the 5 year-old bear, named Rocky, when it attacked. The other two were able to pepper spray and subdue Rocky.

Luckily, there were no other injuries.

You’ve probably seen Rocky before. It’s the same grizzly bear featured in Will Ferrell’s film Semi-Pro, in which Ferrell appears to wrestle with the bear.

What could have gone so wrong???

Officials arrived to investigate the incident and Fish and Game spokesman, Harry Morse, said yesterday that his department would not decide whether Rocky would be euthanized since the attack occurred outside its jurisdiction.

It may be up to the San Bernandino county animal care officials to decide Rocky’s fate.

Poor thing. He didn’t asked to be locked up and trained like pet. He’s a wild animal, after all. You can’t really ever predict what they’re going to go.

Just ask Siegfried and Roy!

Eerily enough, Randy Miller, the owner of the training location and cousin of the attacked trainer, was quoted in the local newspaper in February as saying Rocky is “the best working bear in the business.” But continued by stating, “If one of these animals gets a hold of your throat, you’re finished.”

What will happen to poor Rocky???
(article from PerezHilton.com)

I wish more people in this world would listen to me. People, bears are wild animals. Wild animals live in nature. Nature is one cranky bitch. Seriously. Test her see what happens. And, if what happens, is what I told you happens, don’t think I won’t be posting Mother Natures scoreboard up! She’s currently undefeated and it doesn’t look like anyone is going to be bringing her down. Unless Father Time gets his act in gear, but he’s a dude, so we all know we’ve got PLENTY of time left.