Hatred….

26 09 2008

For people close to me, they’ve gotten the impression that I pretty much hate my life right now.

The fact of the matter is… I really do.

THe job hunt is still on, the high school soccer team I coach is underperforming, College football as of this week is all out of whack, and my unemployment ran out this week.

So I’m pretty much shooting 0-4 in the grand scheme of life. But today is the like the perfect storm of hatred for me. I’m still pissed that the OSU Beavers beat USC last night. I’m still pissed that my HS team played like crap last night, and I”m even more pissed that I have to go to an interview for a job I don’t really want.

The job was with a big corporate Gym and I was applying for Membership Counselor. My fisrt interview was yesterday and apparently the nice cute young lady liked me enough to recommend me to her boss.

My interview was at 10:30 am. Which I am totally fine with. I get all dolled up and roll into the place knowing that this is a job I can do, but for the most part, have no desire to do commission based sales. So me and the GM are talking interviewing and I think things are going pretty well. He tells me about leads and such and that you have to generate 15 a day. Here is where things start going down hill.

You see, I hate people. That’s not a statement to be funny. I hate people. I’m not the type of person that we meet and instantaneously were best friends. It just doesn’t happen. I totally judge people. Its a flaw I suppose. I’m not outgoing. I’ve got great friends, and family in this world, I don’t need new ones. You may think were friends, but deep down I have a huge resentment for you and don’t even like you.

So the GM and I are talking and toward the end of the interview, he says to me…

GM: “So what I’m going to have you do is grab a clip board, and go out on the floor and see if you can generate 5 new leads from the people working out.”
Me: “Sounds great!”

At that second it was pretty much over. Done. I don’t want this job. For the most part it goes back to the I Hate People factor. It also stems from a respect factor at a gym. These people are here working out. They have a plan. They’re there at 10:30 am on a mutherfucking Thursday for a reason. And you want me to interrupt their workout to generate leads. No. Way.

This is also the reason, I’ll never pick up on a girl at the gym. If a girl really wanted to get picked up she’d get sauced and roll to the nearest Fraternity party. Otherwise, more than likely she’s there to workout.

So I get one guy to say that his entire office may be looking for some memberships. I’m like sweet. I’ve talked to 90% of the people at the gym and I figure getting an office full of people could be pretty decent. I walk back over to the GM and we basically finish up the interview. As we’re about to wrap up, I notice he keeps asking me about the lead I generated. The office size, what the guy did, etc etc….

He then takes some notes, and KEEPS IT FOR HIMSELF. I was so pissed at this point.

More then likely if the office size is 15 people, and 5 of those people sign up… that GM just raked in a pretty sweet commission based on the lead I generated for him in an interview. That my friends pissed me off.

Anyway… so most of you know I’m a huge fan of College football. Well the College football world was turned upside down again by the Mighty Beavers of OSU upsetting my number one pick USC. With that being said, the next part of this blog shall now be titled…

That’s What She Said…. Enjoy.

The Beavers, and their fans, expected to be penetrated by the Trojans. (1) However this was not the case, as the Beavers mustered enough strength to thwart many attempts of a Trojan entering their backfield. (2) The Beavers decided to go against being spread wide across the field, (3) instead the Beavers opted for a tight inside game.(4) And on this night, the Beavers had enough protection,(5)as Jaquizz couldn’t be contained by any Trojan.(6) They withstood a number of attempts as the Trojans went up-and-down the Beavers turf.(7) After a sloppy Trojan performance, (8) the Beavers discarded them,(9) washed up (10), and looked forward to going down (11) to Utah for some fun.

Hope you enjoyed that.

Here is the rest of my predictions for a weekend of college football.

As we all know they already lost. Which as we all know is bad news for my Ducks. No one likes losing, esp twice in a row. And if the Ducks don’t pick a QB, we’re in for a world of hurt when the Trojans go looking for redemption.


Well, after Georgia made Arizona State it’s dog toy last weekend, I’m thinking they’re taking this momentum thingy and taking it to Alabama. Plus they showed lots of footage of UGA VII. Which is cool, but not nearly as cool as UGA V…


Gators play Ole Miss. Win. Plus, I’m still really high on Athletes that were on MTV. Can’t lose!


They’ve got a bye week this week which is good. Other Heisman candidates will have the opportunity to shine.

(ps, in college we named one of our intramural teams Bye Week. It was awesome. About the third week into games, the director figured out what was going on, and we were 3-0.)


Well BYU has Utah State… and basically that’s a padding of the stats game for Max Hall. Dark Horse for the Heisman. His only knock will come at the end of the season when everyone says…. “Well, who did he play??” Which will be unfair, cause that kid is going to deserve a Heisman.

Well that’s about all the time we have today kids.

As always feel free to email me at
SarcasmAsAWeapon@gmail.com

Go Ducks.

Oh, and Miss E, hope you didn’t take offense to the That’s What She Said Game.

And another sidebar, if you’re a Duck fan, and your new facebook headline says… “i’m a Beaver Believer for one day” or “I’m becoming a Beaver after last night.”
A.) If you graduated your diploma should be taken away.
B.) If you haven’t graduated stay in school cause you’re still stupid.





Beach Ready Body and the Internet is Boring.

2 04 2008

Hello my blogging friends.

If you’ve been following along with my blogs, you’ll know that I’ve recently dedicated myself to working out to obtain my beach ready body by the time summer comes. Which, I’m not sure why considering I don’t go outside. I hate being to hot. I’m afraid of the ocean. Hate public swimming pools. And generally despise most of the summer aside from chicks dressing slutty, (thank heavens for short shorts) Thirsty Thursdays (where most the slutty girls are) and Red Sox baseball games. (Where beer, slutty girls, and baseball collide for a maelstrom of goodness.)

But there I am every day Up In the Club, Just Workin on my Fitness. (ah thank you Fergie.) And I have to say it. I’m not seeing results fast enough. I’ve been inundated to believe that things these days should be instant. Instant messaging, instant pudding, instant rice, drive through windows, BlackBerry, syphilis, shopping on the internet, and instant news have given me a sense of false hope.

3 weeks at the club should leave me some sort of hope. Some itsy bitsy little thing that I can cling on too that things are working. I mean I wish I had a pair of “skinny jeans” (don’t think we don’t know about em) so that when I put them on and they fit, it would give me some sort of sign that all is right with the world. Alas, I am a boy so my jeans are already a size or two to big for me, which means every fucking pair are my skinny jeans. *sigh*

A couple things have transpired since working out at my gym.

#1. I’ve realized I’m still working out too early for Strippers to be at the gym. I guess the timing was all off in my head. Having never, EVER, been to a strip club in all my life, I didn’t realize what time they actually got done. I was figuring 2 am, maybe the latest 3 am. Then it dawned on me, that more than likely they get off work at 4-5 am. To get to the gym by 10 am on 5-6 hours of sleep, there is no way that would be possible. Plus, I’m pretty sure the coke may not have worn of in time to get in a decent cardio workout. Damn.

#2. Not all female trainers are hot. Some are old and leathery that tan too much.

#3. Working out after a long night of drinking is never really a good thing to do. Especially for me. I’ve unfortunately developed a nasty little drinking habit. My tolerance for Jack Daniel’s whiskey is insane. I’ve been known to finish a bottle at any given celebration. While I know this isn’t really a feat of skill by any means (college frat boys claim this every weekend. Although downing a fifth of Boone Farm is hardly any feat, especially if it’s Country Kwencher. It’s a real flavor I checked.) it’s the next day that I believe sets me apart from the others. See I don’t get hungover anymore when I drink Jack. Like none. Zip. Zero. It’s as if my liver has completely given up processing the alcohol. So when I go out, it takes a lot of Jack for me to get drunk. More than most. So the next day when I rolled into the gym, and about mile marker 1.75 the sweat kicks in and BAM! Alcohol comes gushing out of my pours, for not only me to smell but the unassuming people running next to you. I tried my best to keep it contained, but to no avail. I could smell Jack and I knew the girl and guy running next to me could too. And if any of you know the smell of Jack, you’ll know it’s not the most pleasant smell in the world. (Unless you’re me. Then you fucking love that smell.)

You’re welcome 24 Hour Fitness patrons.

So the other night, I was discussing with a friend that I felt like I was at the end of the internet. Basically what I mean is that I keep looking at the same websites over and over again. It’s actually a bit depressing. I feel like a 12 year old kid who just got home from school, and although I just recently talked to my friends at school, I have to go home and wear out the refresh button on my Safari web browser.The list includes Myspace, Facebook, PerezHilton, The Superficial, If Julie Fell, Yahoo!, my iGoogle, Hotmail, ESPN, Red Sox Homepage, Netflix, Craigslist, and my own blog. (Yeah, I look at my blog all the time! so what?)Just recently I’ve revisited a site that I love so very much. OverheardinNewYork.com is HILARIOUS.

Basically people submit random shit they’ve hear whilst in New York. Which got me to thinking last night, that maybe I don’t ever want to go to New York. I mean, they have all sorts of nicknames for shit left and right, and if you don’t know, no one is going to help you out. You’re just supposed to know already. Or at least that is the gist I get from reading some of the quotes. But how could the internet be wrong? It can’t be….

Anyway this site has spawned some spin off sites, such as OverheardAtthebeach.com, Overheardintheoffice.com and a celebrity spin off. They are fantastic. Here are a couple highlights that i enjoyed.

Office girl #1: Man, I’m really bored. I know what we should do… [Looks around] Aw, we don’t have any glue, do we?
Office girl #2
, confused and horrified: Um…

I think I found this more funny because it was from the city I live in. Classic.

Here’s another….
Cashier: Alright, so that’s going to be $47.68.
Customer: What? The book was $31.99!
Cashier: Ummm, actually, it was $44.99…
Customer: It says $31.99!
Cashier: I’m afraid you were looking at the American price, ma’am…
Customer: So?!
Cashier: We’re in Canada.
Customer, indignant: Well, I want to speak to a manager!
Cashier: Unfortunately, I don’t think he’ll be able to change global economy, but let me page him…

hilarious. and I love it. Points for you cashier.

My point of all this, is that I’m bored with the internet. I need your help people. I need some cool new sites that I can pour over and waste most of my day. So I’m no longer bored. I need the internet people. NEED! Go ahead send me a comment with a cool new page that you think I may like. I’d love to see what you all think. And Thank you…





Gym Rat, March Madness, Job Hunting…

24 03 2008

So as it turns out, I’ve officially gone one full week with going to the gym. It’s pretty crazy I know. I never really thought I’d have it in me to do so, but low and behold I’m knocking out mile after mile. I surprise even myself sometimes.

Friday morning I found myself waking up just a little bit early to make sure I made it to the gym and downtown to watch some March Madness with my friends. First game on tap is Gonzaga, and of course I have them to win. Ever since I was back in college and the girl I was dating at the time was good friends with some of the players, I have been a fan. Of course it didn’t hurt that that was the first year they went really far in the tournament. The team of Matt Santangelo, Casey Calvary, etc etc…

Anyway, so I proceed to the gym knowing full well, that if I get my workout done I’ll be home by halftime, shower, then on the Buffalo Wild Wings. So I find a treadmill crank it up, and look above to find a television with the game on it. When low and behold I get nothing!!! Stupid Obama was in town talking about something and they didn’t have the game on! WTF??? Who does that? What political leader in their right mind would pre-empt March Madness? I mean, he filled out a bracket. Wasn’t he concerned of the outcome? Did this not affect the outcome of his office pool? Seriously. Frustrating.

Obama finished his speech and the game returned, and all was well with the world. Aside from the shooting pains in my calf muscle. I finished up my work out, got all dolled up, and went down to BW3. My timing in my head must have been off, because I ended up listening to Gonzaga lose at the buzzer on my car radio. How dissapointed was I. Not only did I miss the game, I had to listen to them lose and crush my bracket just a little bit more. Which ultimately brings me to my next point.

I hate March Madness.

Well I don’t hate it. I mean I do, I just, wish it didn’t leave me feeling so empty. I’m reminded of Matt Damon’s character Mike in Rounders. You know the scene in the beginning where Mike knows he’s won, he’s a sure bet, and Teddy KGB sucker punches him in the gut with pocket Aces?? That’s pretty much how I feel by Sunday afternoon. Sucker punched in the gut, cause I know some friend of mine’s girlfriend is the one cleaning up our Bracket competition. All because she thought “Davidson Red looks good on me.” Son of a bitch.

I’d go more into depth on the whole bracket situation, but I’m pretty much done. At this point my saving grace is UCLA, North Carolina, and Memphis. But with my luck, they’ll all lose. Needless to say I won’t be that interested in the “Madness” until the championship game.

I’ve still got a lot of time on my hands, becuase I’m still looking for a job. And you know what else I hate…. pretty sure you all saw it coming, that’s right looking for a job. I seriously hate it. It’s good to know that I’m trying to find a job during a period of really shitty economy. That’s awesome.

Seriously though. I think one of the things I hate the most is a cover letter. What is the REAL point of a cover letter. I mean I get it’s purpose, to lobby for a job, to make yourself look better. But in all reality it’s just 3 more paragraphs that are more than likely going to expose you for the faker you really are. Cause in all honestly how many of us bend what our “experience” is to “job requirements?” I know I do. And I guess I have to really. Telling people in the real world exactly what I did isn’t easy with a little one page resume. And trust me when I say having Music Director on your resume doesn’t actually lend itself to to many opportunities. So with that, I decided to write a cover letter informing potential employers just how freakin awesome I am. More than likely, this will not work.

Big news though. Red Sox (and all of baseball) opening day is Tuesday morning at 3 am. Diasuke Matsusaka starts things off against Rich Harden of the Oakland A’s. I’m really kind of nervous though this year. I know we have a great group of really talented players, but I’m pretty sure the kiss of death came when I logged onto ESPN.com this morning. There it was on the front page no less. Baseball experts have picked the Sox as the “favorite” to win this year.

Ugh.

If you’re a real Sox fan you’ll already know that this can’t really bode well for our team. We’ve seen stuff like this before. We’ve never wanted to be the favorite. We like surprising people with our hard work and heart (04). We like overcoming odds, we like fighting and clawing our way back for the win (07). Most of all We Sox always, ALWAYS, have trepidation in our heart, because we know in a single fleeting second we can see it all crumble before our eyes. I spent all of last year keeping my mouth shut when we were 14 games ahead in the AL east. I kept my mouth shut when we were down 3-1 in the ALCS. I kept my faith at an all time high at every one of those pivotal points and I was rewarded. Now, I feel as if the black curse of death has been placed on my beloved Sox. Apox on you ESPN! APOX ON YOU!!!!!!!

But, wether or not the Sox are in first or in last, I will always be a proud member of Red Sox Nation. Go Sox!

Lastly, in keeping with my love affair of movies, I got some really great ones from Netflix this week. Michael Clayton, No Country For Old Men, Cashback, and some others. I just want so say that No Country, and Michael Clayton were as good as the nominations that followed. They were awesome. No Country was an amazing thriller with unforgetable characters provided by the Coen Brothers who are fantastic! Michael Clayton had a stellar cast that brought this intense drama to life. I highly reccomend both movies! Cashback… eh. It was alright.