Reality Round Up 4/14

14 04 2008

I’m not going to lie.

I’ve been genuinely excited to write this particular blog. For you see, it was the final episode of Rock of Love season 2. Down to our very fine finalists, the tawdry twosome, the dirty duo, lady and the tramp…. Daisy and AHHHMBRE.

The episode starts out with Bret taking the fine ladies to the wonderful beaches of Cancun Mexico. Which I’m 100% postitive that wasn’t his idea, it was the shows producers to get a little sun and some sweet mentions on TV about a hotel they now don’t have to pay for. I’m sure Bret would have been just as happy taking those girls down to the local 7-11 and making the final cut over his shoulder, as he pours himself a slurpee! Then again, that would probably be some sort of sweet product placement deal that our man Bret just would have missed the boat on.

So once in Cancun the ladies get to talking and they basically have an epiphany that one of them is going to win. So obviously the claws come out and they begin to tear each other down. Which if you think about it, isn’t really a fair fight. And I actually took some offense to it. There is no way that this was a fair fight. I mean how are you going to lose an argument against someone with Down Syndrome. Honestly, poor little Daisy had no way to defend herself. Which basically just made this entire paragraph, Point. Less. (I just actually chuckled at that. I re-watched it in my head, and it’s still funny two days later.)

Here are some of my favorite highlights from the two fights that Daisy and AHHHMBRE have…

#1. From AHHMBRE to Daisy. “Surgery can make me hotter, Surgery can’t make Daisy smarter.”

#2. Did anyone else notice in the fight that AHHMBRE was about to say, “I’ve always tried to be amicable with you.” But mid-way through the word amicable she realized Daisy wouldn’t have the foggiest fuckin idea what the word Amicable means? I thought it was awesome… came off something like this..
“Daisy I’ve always tried to be ami…. I’ve always tried to be cool with you.” Classic. I loved every second of that.

#3. Now this part I’m a little lost on, because of my lack of knowledge, I am just curious as to why strippers always get upset when people call the strippers??? Heather did it last season, but I think she was more upset at the fact the everyone kept focusing on it. (Probably cause it shocked them that someone that old was still stripping. I mean, I thought once strippers had thier college education paid for they quit.) But Daisy gets all defensive in her battles with AHHMBRE when not only does Daisy point it out…. “you called me a stripper,” AHHMBRE reinforcese this factual statement… “it’s your occupation.” HOW DARE SHE!!! Call my little coke whore a stripper? She my friends is an exotic dancer. You know how I know, She dances to You Shook Me All Night Long, by AC/DC and they’re Australian.

Anyway, Bret and AHHMBRE have a fantastic date. Of course the date, made it a point to showcase all that the hotel has to offer, and being the consumer whore that I am, I must admit it looked pretty tempting to book a vacation and stay at that hotel (great success VH1. Great Success). Although I was waiting for Bret to take Daisy swimming with the dolphins and low and behold we find out she can actually speak to dolphins. Wouldn’t that mess with peoples heads?

So Bret and AHMBRE have a private dinner after AHMBRE finishes fighting with a slow kid in their hotel room. Which brings me to one of, if not THE, funniest moment of the entire season. In which AHHMBRE reveals to our hero Bret that she is indeed wearing no underwear. I couldn’t believe what I had just seen on TV. It was as if AHMBRE had snuck in some Kryptonite and BAM! Superman is powerless. I even think I saw Bret’s hand shake while holding a glass. As if he KNEW he had been bested. Her powers of Kryptonite were no match to his great resolve. Superman, my friends, had been killed.
(Ps how awesome was it that they chose America The Beautiful to play as the background music upon the revelation of AHMBRE going commando!)

So day two brings us to Diasy’s date with a much less powerful Superman. He had been exposed to a great deal of Kryptonite and I was unsure if Bret was going to be able to continue. Sure enough, he proved his mettle sacked up and continued his luxurious all expenses trip to Cancun mexico, wait, I mean the final date with Daisy. He decided to take our girl on a huge yacht and go deep sea fishing.

All my life, all I’ve ever really wanted was a huge Marlin with a huge sailfin, arched across my wall in all it’s stunning dead glory. This folks is not a joke. So needless to say I was a bit jealous with the thought of Daisy going deep sea fishing with Bret Michaels. It didn’t really matter because our heroine got sea sick and they had to pull into port. (sexual innuendo intended.) What I found amazing about the date was the “conversation” between Bret and Daisy on the boat. I can’t even remember what they were talking about, but I do remember it made Ms. South Carolina look like a Rhodes Scholar. Literally.

Bret has a very meaningful dinner with Daisy in which she baiscally shoves AHMBRE under the bus, and we get more awesome interview with Daisy herself. Which brings me to this point. Does Daisy know sign language? Is she a professional mime? Am I missing something with the hands waving all the time? Is she secretly giving sings to the runner on second? I don’t get it. Half the time I don’t know what the fuck is going on, cuase I’m so intrigued by Daisy’s flamboyant gestures. Maybe it’s something she learned from her stripping mentor. You know just a regular old school stripper, who back in the day totally believed that Jazz Hands raked in the money, and enabled patrons of the strip club believe you were a classically trained dancer…. that has to be it… Jazz Hands compliment every speaking engagement.

So, it’s down to elimination time. I could not be more proud of the producers at VH1. If anyone one of you have seen Team America, then you know exactly where I’m going……

WE’RE GONNA NEED A MONTAGE!!!!

no montage is complete without a DVD/CD offering/walk on the beach at sunset. By the way, make sure to pick up Bret’s new solo album.

So here we have it, in the end, Bret picks AHMBRE complete with pretentious spelling of her name and all. Which in the end, I’m not going to lie, made me happy. It was a great way for the show to go out, plus had he picked Daisy, she wouldn’t have cried, hugged him and left HUGE mascara stains all over his Domo arigato, Mr. Roboto suit. (headband not included.) Although it did leave her, and I quote, “heartbroken as fuck.”
(p.s., by quoting other peoples usage of the word fuck, it does not count towards my general usage of the word, therefore allowing me to use it previously/later in the blog with out penalty.)

So there you have it folks, the end is here. We’ve all finsihed our tour on the Rock of Love 2. Hopefully we will all have our lives return to some normalcy when the reunion show airs this Sunday night on VH1. You can bet I’ll be there with my popcorn in hand watching Heather beat the living daylights out of a coke sniffing stripper with down syndrome.

Hey, I wonder if this is how Heather solved all of her money disputes with other strippers…..

I will however, leave you with this one thought, that, for someone who appreciates fashions has had me in a bit of a twist for a couple of days….. is turquoise making a comeback, and no one told me???

Since this was such a huge blog, I’m going to keep the Hills recap pretty short. Nothing really gigantic happened in this episode, aside from Spencer being a douchebag and started hitting on girls at a bar that Heidi was at? What the fuck (dammit, my bad) is that all about. I mean if you’re going to go out and name drop yourself at least do it at a bar where she wont see you. This guy knows NOTHING about how to cheat on women behind their back, even when you’re on a break. He should take some lessons from Ross Gellar, he knew what to do.

Speaking of being on a break, what is this relationship vacation that Hiedi and Spencer speak of. How does one obtain a “relationship vacation?” I mean, is it in relation to how many days you put into the relationship? Like you put in a year get 10 working days off? Can I carry over some sick time if I have used all my Relationship Vacation time? If I don’t use my relationship vacation time in one year, does that vacation time parlay into another year? I just want to know my options for the next time I’m in a relationship. That way, I’ll be up to date on how much vacation time I get, which basically in turn lets me know how many girls I can sleep with until my vacation is over…. which, ultimately, is exactly what Spencer is thinking. (not that I didn’t either. I’m just saying. Relationship Vacation sound like a surprisingly attractive deal. Which I’m trying to wrap my head around, because based on the conversation it was Heidi’s idea.) Great, now my head hurts from trying to wrap my head around Heidi having a “good” idea.

Fuck.

My love affair with Rock of Love, is over. My tour ends here.

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Nature 2. Hippies 0.

13 04 2008

I am a very proud member of Netflix. I absolutely love this service. It’s basically Hollywood Video or Blockbuster on the internet. I honestly believe that everyone should take part in Netflix. It’s so freakin simple to get the movies you want to see without having to deal with a membership card, or late fees, or the pre-teen customer service one has come to find at such video stores.

These past couple of weeks I rented two similar movies that really got me to thinking. I rented Grizzly Man and Into the Wild. Grizzly Man was a documentary about a man who spent 13 summer with the Grizzly bears in Kodiak Alaska, while Into the Wild was a movie about a young man who gave up all his material possessions to live in Alaska. Both are true stories.

Here is where I have my problems. I hate hippies. That’s right you heard me. I hate hippies.

Sometimes I think hippies ideals are valid. That they may have some really good ideas. Then I realize after watching the movies that I did, that hippies are stupid. Like literally stupid. Here’s where I make my point.
(Caution Spoilers to both movies coming up.)

In both cases of these movies the people died! And I’m not talking some nice peaceful death, I’m talking gruesome Mother Nature giving you the bird death. The first hippie Timothy Treadwell who spent 13 summers with the grizzlies often thought “The bears are my friends, I have respect for the bears, so they won’t hurt me.” Well Tim, guess what, Mother Nature said Fuck you, and some grizzly bear gnawed off your face. Literally. So much for being in love with nature, idiot.
(ps the whole documentary is video from him filming himself. However, the bear attack came so quick, he couldn’t get the lens cap off. Sound was rolling.)

The second guy, died because he too put his faith in mother nature and though he could live off the earth. Which, kudos to you man, he pulled off for 9 weeks. Then bam! Put too much faith in a book about plants and ate one, and again mother nature said AH Fuck you! Dude dies of starvation. Which goes to show you hippies, don’t put too much faith in books. They’ll kill you.

I applaud people for having beliefs and loving Mother Nature. But I wish hippies would key into one factor, nature is a woman people. That’s right Mother Nature. And just like a woman, the minute you think you’ve figured it out, she freaks out and gives you the silent treatment. And all you want as a guy is to fix it, but she just keeps saying “I shouldn’t have to tell you what’s wrong with me, you should already know!” But of course you don’t know so she punishes you in the worst way possible. (which is all dependent on each relationship) In this case, Mother Nature likes to show you who REALLY wears the pants in the relationship, and gives you the ultimate fuck you!

Speaking of, I wish the hippies that are invading the trees so a college football statium’s construction will be halted would set aside their hippie ways for just a couple hours, rent a DVD player and watch Grizzly Man and Into the Wild. Hopefully they’ll realize that even though they respect the trees, those trees are just a part of mother natures wrath….

Come to think of it, maybe they shouldn’t be clued into the evil ways of Muther Effing Nature.

Sorry if that felt a little too much like a rant…

I thought I’d leave you with some upcoming movies that I would like to see.

Starting with Step Brothers.

I dunno what it is, I just think it look hilarious! Like really freakin Hilarious. Love Will.

The next movie I REALLY want to see is The Happening. It’s by one of my favorite directors of all time, M. Night Shyamalan! That’s right, I really like his work. I think a lot of people just didn’t understand Unbreakable and for the love of god, Signs still freaks me out! I just felt as if he did a great job of making peoples reactions “real.” Anyway, here’s the trailer….

(ps, there is currently a bug flying around the light above me as I write this…. literally freaking me the fuck out. (dammit, I promised myself that I had reached my F word quotient for the blog. Son of a bitch, now I feel bad.))

Next up is Son of Rambow. I’ve got this wierd likely for english humor. Like I love Monty Python, The Black Adder, and my favorite new show Top Gear. So when I came across this little trailer I was genuinely excited… here it is, enjoy.

Well there it is for the night. Hope you enjoyed the blog…. Want all of you to know, I did watch the RoL2 season finale and a full recap will be coming shortly! Until then.





My Love Affair With Rock of Love

6 03 2008

As some of you know, I love Rock of Love. I’ve been loving Rock of Love season 2 immensely. Last weeks episode of the USO show for the Veterans. That was awesome.

Raise your hand if you thought one of those old guys was going to faint during the Inna and Destiny strip show???

*raises hand*

Seriously though, what a way to go. Sitting peacefully in your chair, all adorned with honorable medals, when a Ukrainian man stripper, and her midget look a like sidekick walk out on stage, and BAM you didn’t realize it, but it’s actually a live version of the Crying Game. With huge Ukrainian…… “parts.”

That’s all besides the point. Turns out my friend and yours Daisy is Oscar De La Hoya’s niece/sister/love child/favorite stripper.Daisy De La Hoya - Rock of Love Season 2

This explains EVERYTHING!I mean I was wondering why the hell she talked so funny and so slow. For a minute, I actually thought they were making reality shows be Equal Opportunity Employers compliant. I mean, her thought process and her speech patterns raised a lot of questions. She couldn’t be that drunk ALL the time. Could she? And with this small revelation it all became just a little more clear.

Oscar, used Daisy as a sparring parter! It’s the only explanation. I mean it’s probably not the first or last time that Daisy is going to see a one-two combination to the head! And I wouldn’t doubt it at all if the Golden Boy himself helped her trained to go at least 5 rounds? Come to think of it he probably got his lighting quick reflexes by countless hours of speed bag training.

Oh who am I kidding.

Everyone knows the Golden Boy is gay.

Take a look at this email exchange.

To: VH1RockofLoveProducersFrom:
OscarDeLaHoya.com

Dear Producers,

I had heard that a second Season of Rock of Love was to be cast. I am a very famous person wondering if Mr. Michaels would indeed be open to some new possibilities? I’m brunette 5’10 and 154 pounds. Have lots of stamina, energy, and have been told I’m a real knockout.I have enclosed a picture.Oscar De La Hoya Fishnet

Hope to hear from you soon!
The Golden Boy 😉

To: OscarDeLaHoya.com
From:VH1RockofLoveProducers

Golden Boy,

Ummm. Thanks. I’m not sure how to say this delicately. While you definitely fit the what Mr. Michaels is looking for in the looks category, we think you have one too many features that may turn Mr. Michaels off. You must remember this isn’t the 80’s anymore and he’s no longer on a 3 day coke binge. (Although based on some decisions, you wouldn’t know that.) Anyway, thanks for your inquiry.

You wouldn’t by chance happen to have a stripper hot niece would you?

Thank You.
The Producers at Vh1’s Rock of Love.

Ps, after seeing the above pictures of Diasy, (which you can see more at TheSuperficial.com)I’m totally changing my vote to her winning. I mean, maybe it’s just me but her holding that bottle of Jack and lines of coke between her legs…. Who would pick anyone else. Now excuse me whilst continue my love affair with Jack Daniel’s, Coke, and Whorish Strippers.





Ben Affleck is Going To Be Pissed….

25 02 2008

I’ve been slacking on my posting as of late. I happened to have been in Las Vegas for the last couple of days, so my writing took a gigantic back seat to drinking and attempting to pick up hookers.

And by pick up I mean shouting out the dollar amount I was willing to pay for their services.

“Dollar seventy five!!!!”

Once I shouted two fifty to which one of my lady friends in attendance shook her head awkwardly and disgusted said,

“you’d give that girl two hundred and fifty dollars to have sex with her?”

to which I replied….

“Fuck no, I meant two dollars and fifty cents! I may be desperate to have sex, but that doesn’t mean I”m not looking for a bargain!”

Anyway, if you were in Vegas and got shouted at by some dude with a dollar amount, be happy if you cracked $4.99. Only the select few did.

Which brings me to my point about neglecting my writing. While I was in The Vegas for only a short time, it was damn near a coma inducing trip. Late nights, tons of booze and the aforementioned hookers. Oh, and I did have some of the best friends in the world accompanying me along the way.

After returning home at 10 am, I was only awake for roughly 3 hours. I awoke in time to catch most of the oscars. If you’ve read my previous posts, I love movies. And I love watching which movies get rewarded for being great. Even when I disagree.

I totally think Ellen Page should have won. I mean come on…. She’s cute, smart, witty, sarcastic, rich, “indie,” and my current crush. So I’ll totally kick your ass if you don’t agree!!!!

None of the aforementioned reasons have anything to do with the fact that she was really good in that Juno movie. Oh, and Tilda Swinton scares me.

Speaking of boyfriends kicking ass did any of you catch this little gem??

Thats right, Busey wanted to get a little Alias action! And did Jennifer Garner actually ask for Ben Affleck?? Like WTF was Ben Affleck going to do?

Seriously?

Kick Busey’s ass? No effing way in hell does Affleck have a chance against Busey. I mean, maybe if it was a competition comparing careers Affleck might have the advantage (Phantoms was the shit!) But in terms of a physical altercation, Crazy Busey would just straight up mop the floor with Pretty Boy Ben.

I actually think Jennifer Garner has a better chance at whopping Busey’s ass than Ben does. The only scenario I see Ben Affleck coming out on top (innuendo intentional) is if it was the last day of high school in 1976 and O’Bannion and his friends are out and about paddling pre-frosh with paddles and Busey happens to be one of those pre-frosh, then, and ONLY then, does Aflleck win.
Ben Affleck-Fred O’Bannion

ps this hilarious video also confirms my suspicion that Affleck would get his ass kicked….

I may have started crying whilst watching that video. Any video that contains Harrison Ford, Huey Lewis, Brad Pitt, and Don Cheadle is comedy gold.
Plus it had Cameron Diaz making inappropriate hand gestures.

Classy Cameron Diaz. Classy.





Sin City

24 02 2008

Dear Las Vegas,

I think we should break up.  

xoxo
me.