Who Says There Are No Jobs…..

6 08 2008

So as I have continued my search for a job, I decided I would start and document some of the job offerings that are just too good to be true. Here below are some of these said jobs. I can’t believe I’m still unemployed…….

(note: all of these are from Craigslist, I’ve eliminated the email for safety purposes, but other than that all of these are straight copy and paste…. I hope you enjoy.)



Pipe layer/ Top hand (Metro Area)

Reply to: job6@craigslist.org
Date: 2008-08-06, 6:22PM PDT

Who wouldn’t want to lay pipe for a living?


Farm Help Wanted (Amboy, WA)

Reply to: j.com
Date: 2008-08-06, 4:15PM PDT

Person to do mowing, weeding, fencing and other miscellaneous jobs on a small farm in Amboy, WA. High School or College student preferred. Driver’s Licence and car required. Send an email describing yourself with age, education, work experience, and reasons for wanting the job.

Location: Amboy, WA
it’s NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests
Compensation: $10

Like 10 an hour, or just 10 dollars. I need to know, cuase my dad makes me do this shit for free.


**Themed Interior Decorator ** (South East)

Reply to: gigs@craigslist.org
Date: 2008-08-06, 3:31PM PDT

I have approx. 1000 sq ft that I want decorated for the Holiday Season.
We will have Santa Clause & Helper including MANY children.

If you are interested and have at least some PROFESSIONAL experience please respond to this ad. Please send references and photos. Thank you.

What the fuck do you need a photo for? Is it so you can judge me and make a snap judgement on whether or not I look like a pedophile?


Who wants to fold my clothes??? I DONT!!! (NE MLK/Rosa Parks)

Reply to: gigs@craigslist.org
Date: 2008-08-06, 10:53AM PDT

I am hoping someone will have time this Saturday 8/9 morning to help me with a project that I have been successfully avoiding for a couple of months. I have more clothing than Mariah Carey. That may be a slight exaggeration but when its all over the upstairs of my house, it certainly feels that abundant. I am in need of someone to help me pick it all up, fold it, throw it in the wash, hang it up and generally battle the disorganization. Im guessing it wouldnt take more than a couple of hours at the most if the two of us were to get after it. Ideally I would like to start around 9 or 10 in the morning to have it all done before noon as my mother is coming to town for the weekend. Please let me know if you are available, your hourly fee, and a little bit about you (as Im letting you in my home) and we can discuss further details. Thanks!!

Clean your own fucking room…. shit…. lazy ass.


Live Sign (SW 185th & TV Hwy)

Reply to: carlosl@esigns.com
Date: 2008-08-05, 5:12PM PDT

We are searching for someone who is very neat and presentable, who enjoys being outside, interacting with passing motorists, helping direct traffic to a builder’s development, and who also likes to make SOME QUICK MONEY!!!
The builder requires the person to wear either khaki, or black pants (no denim, please), a white shirt with a collar (polo shirt type), and if possible, a white baseball hat.
You would hold onto a sign that is shaped like an arrow, moving the sign in the direction of the arrow (you may spin the sign at times) make eye contact with approaching traffic and smile and look like you are having a good time. Please bring your music and headphones, but no sitting or smoking while working. You will take a 1/2 hr break in the middle of your shift and two short 10 minute breaks.
This is a fun interactive job. The hours are 10:30 until 5 pm Sat and 11:30 am until 6 pm on Sun, or 6.5 each day.

My favorite part….. “you may spin the sign at times.” Fucking comedic gold.
Ps this job pays more than working part time at a radio station…. i’m just sayin.


Rock Band gamer needed for Saturday Concert (Portland)

Reply to: gigs@craigslist.org
Date: 2008-08-05, 1:13PM PDT

Pro Gamer needed, expert level on the game Rock Band @ the Motley Crue concert on Aug 9th, Saturday 3pm-10pm

Must be outgoing and friendly and able to talk to crowds of people as well.

If you can play the game and you would consider yourself an expert, please email your relevant experience, along with a photo (required) to (email deleted)
with the subject line “Portland Rock Band”

$14 per hr

This is like the holy grail of Jobs!
$14 an hour for Rocking My Face off! Shiiiiiiiiitttt sign me up!


I clicked on this in hopes of meeting Tony, Carmella, AJ, and Meadow. Damn.
Soprano Wanted! (Beaverton)

Reply to: gigs@craigslist.org
Date: 2008-08-03, 10:05PM PDT

Alto, Tenor & Bass looking for soprano to round out the group. Looking for someone that can read, solo and wants to get serious. We have the better part of two sets learned or close to learned, and are looking for someone that can jump right in.

Please do not call if you can’t read music.

PLEASE do call if you can!


From The Creators Of “The Alaskan Experiment” – New Casting Call (Nationwide)

Reply to: gigs@craigslist.org
Date: 2008-07-30, 8:51AM PDT

Discovery Channel, the network that brought you “The Alaska Experiment,” is currently casting its next Alaskan adventure. They’re looking for people who think they have what it takes to live and thrive in one of nature’s most brutal environments.

http://www.gotcast.com/casting-calls/Discovery-Channels-Alaskan-Adventure/51167

Location: Nationwide
it’s NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests
Compensation: no pay

No pay and a high chance of death…. Well if that’s not the opportunity of a lifetime, I don’t know what is!


Need Picnic Clown Saturday, August 30th

Reply to: gigs@craigslist.org
Date: 2008-07-29, 8:59AM PDT

Need an excellent, engergetic, fun, experienced Picnic Clown for Games, Balloons, ect for a non-profit picnic for Saturday, August 30th 12:30-3:30 pm.
Send Resume, References and fees. Will be at local park. Apx 150 people.

Who knew you could get a clown on Craigslist…. someone jot this down.


Do you have any CIRCUS-STYLE Talents? (Portland)

Reply to: gigs@craigslist.org
Date: 2008-07-28, 5:17PM PDT

I am putting together an event in mid-August, and I’m looking for talented folk to create a circus-like atmosphere. Pay is negotiable, but I don’t have the biggest budget for the event. Thanks in advance for your interest!

REALY!?!?!?


Barbershop Quartet for a phone in (Anywhere)

Reply to: gigs@craigslist.org
Date: 2008-07-24, 6:24PM PDT

I’m looking to sing to my wife and would like to have some musical backup. If your group happens to know “Take a Chance on me”, then please contact me. This can be in person or over the phone.

Location: Anywhere
it’s NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests
Compensation: $20 and potential future gigs

20 Bucks to copy The Office…. cheap bastard.
ps if she’s your wife, one would assume she “took a chance on you.” Dumbass.


Bagpiper! i need you… (portland)

Reply to: gigs@craigslist.org
Date: 2008-07-23, 10:59PM PDT

I need a bagpiper for a wedding on Sept. 28th, in the evening. Send me any info you have (blog, website, link to hear you play?) If not, no worries, we can meet!
Please email your rates also. I’m guessing I’d need you 1-3 hours, not sure of the plan yet.
Thanks!

WORST. WEDDING. EVER.


Looking for unique people with scars

Reply to: gigs@craigslist.org
Date: 2008-07-22, 5:39PM PDT

Don’t be shy, I know you might not usually want to show people your scar(s) but this is for an awesome project.
We are photographing scars for a project. Your face does not have to be seen if you do not want it to be.
We are aiming to have this series featured in a gallery and potentially a book.

Contact us for portfolio, information, and premise.

Finally my knife fight scar is going to pay off….


Sew Leather Pants (Portland)

Reply to: gigs@craigslist.org
Date: 2008-07-18, 12:17PM PDT

We are looking for someone that can sew a pair of custom leather
mens dress pants.
The pattern is made.
Please email, must have own industrial equipment

Finally the Boy Scouts have paid off!!!!


Albinos Unite and Takeover

Reply to: gigs@craigslist.org
Date: 2008-07-13, 6:48PM PDT

I am filming the opening sequence to my show, “Waking up With Alison Sumner” It is a one minute ditty where I transform from an Albino to a Unicorn and four sweet albinos are also singing and dancing awaiting their transformation. I am designing all costumes and sets myself so the sooner I get sizes/ measurements the better. It will be fun

If ONLY I were Albino…. *sigh*






Beach Ready Body and the Internet is Boring.

2 04 2008

Hello my blogging friends.

If you’ve been following along with my blogs, you’ll know that I’ve recently dedicated myself to working out to obtain my beach ready body by the time summer comes. Which, I’m not sure why considering I don’t go outside. I hate being to hot. I’m afraid of the ocean. Hate public swimming pools. And generally despise most of the summer aside from chicks dressing slutty, (thank heavens for short shorts) Thirsty Thursdays (where most the slutty girls are) and Red Sox baseball games. (Where beer, slutty girls, and baseball collide for a maelstrom of goodness.)

But there I am every day Up In the Club, Just Workin on my Fitness. (ah thank you Fergie.) And I have to say it. I’m not seeing results fast enough. I’ve been inundated to believe that things these days should be instant. Instant messaging, instant pudding, instant rice, drive through windows, BlackBerry, syphilis, shopping on the internet, and instant news have given me a sense of false hope.

3 weeks at the club should leave me some sort of hope. Some itsy bitsy little thing that I can cling on too that things are working. I mean I wish I had a pair of “skinny jeans” (don’t think we don’t know about em) so that when I put them on and they fit, it would give me some sort of sign that all is right with the world. Alas, I am a boy so my jeans are already a size or two to big for me, which means every fucking pair are my skinny jeans. *sigh*

A couple things have transpired since working out at my gym.

#1. I’ve realized I’m still working out too early for Strippers to be at the gym. I guess the timing was all off in my head. Having never, EVER, been to a strip club in all my life, I didn’t realize what time they actually got done. I was figuring 2 am, maybe the latest 3 am. Then it dawned on me, that more than likely they get off work at 4-5 am. To get to the gym by 10 am on 5-6 hours of sleep, there is no way that would be possible. Plus, I’m pretty sure the coke may not have worn of in time to get in a decent cardio workout. Damn.

#2. Not all female trainers are hot. Some are old and leathery that tan too much.

#3. Working out after a long night of drinking is never really a good thing to do. Especially for me. I’ve unfortunately developed a nasty little drinking habit. My tolerance for Jack Daniel’s whiskey is insane. I’ve been known to finish a bottle at any given celebration. While I know this isn’t really a feat of skill by any means (college frat boys claim this every weekend. Although downing a fifth of Boone Farm is hardly any feat, especially if it’s Country Kwencher. It’s a real flavor I checked.) it’s the next day that I believe sets me apart from the others. See I don’t get hungover anymore when I drink Jack. Like none. Zip. Zero. It’s as if my liver has completely given up processing the alcohol. So when I go out, it takes a lot of Jack for me to get drunk. More than most. So the next day when I rolled into the gym, and about mile marker 1.75 the sweat kicks in and BAM! Alcohol comes gushing out of my pours, for not only me to smell but the unassuming people running next to you. I tried my best to keep it contained, but to no avail. I could smell Jack and I knew the girl and guy running next to me could too. And if any of you know the smell of Jack, you’ll know it’s not the most pleasant smell in the world. (Unless you’re me. Then you fucking love that smell.)

You’re welcome 24 Hour Fitness patrons.

So the other night, I was discussing with a friend that I felt like I was at the end of the internet. Basically what I mean is that I keep looking at the same websites over and over again. It’s actually a bit depressing. I feel like a 12 year old kid who just got home from school, and although I just recently talked to my friends at school, I have to go home and wear out the refresh button on my Safari web browser.The list includes Myspace, Facebook, PerezHilton, The Superficial, If Julie Fell, Yahoo!, my iGoogle, Hotmail, ESPN, Red Sox Homepage, Netflix, Craigslist, and my own blog. (Yeah, I look at my blog all the time! so what?)Just recently I’ve revisited a site that I love so very much. OverheardinNewYork.com is HILARIOUS.

Basically people submit random shit they’ve hear whilst in New York. Which got me to thinking last night, that maybe I don’t ever want to go to New York. I mean, they have all sorts of nicknames for shit left and right, and if you don’t know, no one is going to help you out. You’re just supposed to know already. Or at least that is the gist I get from reading some of the quotes. But how could the internet be wrong? It can’t be….

Anyway this site has spawned some spin off sites, such as OverheardAtthebeach.com, Overheardintheoffice.com and a celebrity spin off. They are fantastic. Here are a couple highlights that i enjoyed.

Office girl #1: Man, I’m really bored. I know what we should do… [Looks around] Aw, we don’t have any glue, do we?
Office girl #2
, confused and horrified: Um…

I think I found this more funny because it was from the city I live in. Classic.

Here’s another….
Cashier: Alright, so that’s going to be $47.68.
Customer: What? The book was $31.99!
Cashier: Ummm, actually, it was $44.99…
Customer: It says $31.99!
Cashier: I’m afraid you were looking at the American price, ma’am…
Customer: So?!
Cashier: We’re in Canada.
Customer, indignant: Well, I want to speak to a manager!
Cashier: Unfortunately, I don’t think he’ll be able to change global economy, but let me page him…

hilarious. and I love it. Points for you cashier.

My point of all this, is that I’m bored with the internet. I need your help people. I need some cool new sites that I can pour over and waste most of my day. So I’m no longer bored. I need the internet people. NEED! Go ahead send me a comment with a cool new page that you think I may like. I’d love to see what you all think. And Thank you…