“A Very Special Blog Post…”

13 04 2009

So I broke down a couple weeks back. Turns out a friend of mine in radio made the final push and I cracked. I signed up for twitter. That’s right. I signed up to let everyone know what I was doing every second of the day. (Or every second I had a device capable of accessing the internet.)

I held off for as long as possible seeing as how I thought no one cared what I did minute after minute. I mean, in any given day whilst being unemployed I could give you the rundown of what I do right here.

11:45am wake up
11:46am go to the bathroom
11:47am fire up the computer.
11:49am Hopefully check emails about jobs I’ve applied for. Only to receive Facebook emails about What Disney Princess would my ex girlfriend be.
11:52am Go eat breakfast, turn on Sportscenter
12:00 back to the computer making my daily rounds. Facebook.com Perezhilton.com Barstool Sports.com and Yahoo.com
1:00pm (hopefully there was some decent stuff to read killing an apparent hour to my day.) Think about taking a shower.
1:01pm not taking a shower.
1:02pm start the online search for jobs.
2:00pm Get distracted by email from friend with a dog running into a wall, or a splendidly crafted A-Rod joke.
2:30pm Fire up the ole’ World of Warcraft.
4:00pm contemplate lunch. Eat Peanut M&M’s instead.
4:05pm now with Baseball season starting, fireup ESPN.com Gamecast of the Red Sox game. (put on in background)
4:10pm Online job search again.
5:00pm ask mom what’s for dinner.
5:10pm Contemplate another shower.
5:11pm Don’t take said shower.
5:30pm Start refreshing the Facebook and other social media sites, cause my friends are all off work.
7:00pm Watch Jeopardy.
7:31pm Hit my brother, bother one of the cats, generally annoy and bother those around me.
7:32pm PS3/Wii time
8:00pm start watching shows on TV, or turn on Hulu.com and catch up on shows I’ve missed.
9:00pm Realize that TV these days sucks. Head back to the internet for some fun.
10:00pm Most of my friends have started to doze off, refreshing of social media slows.
11:00pm Realize I’m not getting to sleep any time soon. Start up How I Met Your Mother season 1, 2, or 3.
11:15pm Start a search of the internet for something to keep me occupied. (read:pornWorld News)
3:00am Turn on Lord of the Rings, or Harry Potter and finally fall to sleep.

Done.

That is my entire day almost in it’s entirety.
Seriously, if you feel the want or desire to follow me on twitter, or you think I’m wildly attractive, and charmingly witty, then by all means… follow away.

PS. that also gives out my real last name, so if you are equally as attractive and non-crazy, please feel free to do a little stalking. I won’t mind.
(sidebar: However, if your said hotness is less than said crazy-ness please forget I said anything. In fact, that’s not even my last name. I don’t know who that dude is.
In addition if you are unaware of said crazy hot scale, please allow my friend Barney Stinson to elaborate…
I’m sure I’ve posted that before. Or at least sent it to all my guy friends on Facebook at least twice.)

I mentioned before that I have been watching a lot of TV on Hulu.com. It’s just a website that hosts tons and tons of TV shows and movies in one convenient location. Did you miss Lazy Sunday or Dick in a Box from SNL? Maybe you’re too old, and you missed all of Doogie Howser M.D. or Charles in Charge? They’re all here. Some in all of their 80’s glory.

Speaking of 80’s glory… how bout these…
When Scott Baio of Charles in Charge drops his “L’s” when talking to the Chinese food delivery guy. In the 80’s racism was still funny. (Of course as I’ve noted before, all of this changed when 90210 aired, and let all of us who were raised by the TV set know, that it was in fact NOT ok to be racist. Thanks 90210.)

What about when Hot Hot Hot Chelsea Noble, Doogie’s former babysitter, came back to visit Dr. Howser and wanted to make out with him??? Don’t remember? Neither did I, until I watched the episode and did an extensive IMDB search to find who she was…

One Hot Babysitter

One Hot Babysitter

Of course then I came to realize she’s the same lady who met this douche….

That’s right, I think Kirk Cameron is a douche. And it was only after watching the E! True Hollywood Story that I came to this conclusion. It’s widely known that Kirk himself was at the downfall of Growing Pains. One of my favorite tv shows EVER! Apparently, Kirk found God and didn’t think that playing Mike Seaver was very respectful… blah blah blah… YOU TOOK GROWING PAINS FROM ME!!!

However, congrats on the salvation thing and great success on your movies.

As one may be able to tell, I watch a lot of tv, now and in the past. Television these days is great. I love it. I have a lot of show I follow on a consistent basis. But there is one thing I miss. Some of my younger readers may not know exactly what I’m about to talk about, but I really miss “A Very Special Episode.” The 80’s made valiant attempts to teach younger viewers and their parents the dangers and pitfalls of real life. Most of life was not lived with a supplied laugh track. And when real life problems were broached in the 80’s, producers made sure that those at home were to know it was coming. And it always went a little something like this….

Probably the most famous of all “Very Special Episodes” was from Diff’rent Strokes and the child molester. I contemplated putting in some video but decided, not only was it really creepy, but it was entirely too long. If you really feel the need to see what I’m talking about, feel free to hit up YouTube and search “Diff’rent Strokes and Bicycle Man.” While that officially creeped me out I’ll leave you with this gem from Diff’rent Strokes.

I think the closest we ever had to “A Very Special Episode in the 90’s was Saved By The Bell’s Jessie’s Song in 1990. I truly believe that had this show every rocked some primetime, we would have heard…

“Join us Monday night for A Very Special Episode of Saved By The Bell, where Jessie turns to drugs while trying to get by in school.” And this would have been the promo…

So awesome. So, so awesome.

Of course, taking caffeine pills wasn’t the biggest of Jessie Spano’s worries. Not being a gigantic whore in Las Vegas was.

Until Next Time…

email me…
SarcasmAsAWeapon@gmail.com

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Coming To Terms With It….

2 06 2008

So after a huge dissapointement in my life last week, I took some time to reflect on some things. Nothing actually came of it, because by reflect I actually mean, played a lot of viedo games. A LOT. That is besides the point. The point being is I wrote this blog a long time ago on MySpace, and I thought I would just bring it on over to my new site. For some of you this will be old, for others this will be brand new. Either way, it’s one of my favorites so I hope you enjoy.

Without further ado……

The world is really a cruel place. Some of my friends that maybe a little older may have already come to terms with this. Divorce, college loans, bills, accidnets, break ups, and the cancellation of Charles in Charge all come at blistering pace and remind you that sometimes life isn’t fair…

I’m not complaing (in theroy) I’m looking back on to my life and realizing, I should have been more prepared for life and it’s curve balls. Let’s go back, maybe it was my car accident when i was 16. Or the broken arm when i was 8. Yes, these taught me valuable lesson, but niether of these, or the myriad of other curves balls clued me into the fact that the world is a cruel place.

Back in the day, and some of my younger friends may not be able to grasp the true nature of this blog, and some friends that are of age, will look back on to the same example and curse the world with me…

Crocodile Mile. You see I loved Crocodile Mile. I loved the commercial to no end…. I mean who wouldn’t, “YOU RUN, YOU SLIDE, YOU HIT THE BUMP AND TAKE A DIIIIIIIIIVE!!!” (all of this of course is sung with a sweet little jingle that i know everyone just heard in their head.)

Imagine my surprise when one summer, my mom being the wonderful woman that she is, purchased a Crocodile Mile for fun in the sun. I could barely contain myself when opening the package. I couldn’t wait to Run, Slide, Hit the bump, and take a dive. After 15 minutes of setup, there it was in all it’s yellow glory!! Ready for an EXTREME summer, where all the cool kids would wanting to be my friend! (This was in fact a huge draw, because back in the day I was a loser.) In families of more than one kid, older brother rules apply… which means the older brother always gets to go first. So of course my anticipation was building even more for my turn…. and here it came!

I can remember the first run down the glorious Crocodile Mile. I took off in a mad sprint that Carl Lewis would have envied. I dove head first, arms outstretched, preparing myself, to hit the bump and take a dive! Here it came…. closer and closer…. and finally…. i hit the bump.

Now wait a second! What the FUCK was that?!?!? This isn’t what happened on the comercial, and why the hell is my side bleeding!

You see life isn’t fair. The “pool” you supposedly land in is a foot and a half wide, and roughly 6 inches deep! In addition to the bird bath for a pool, the Crocodile Mile stricly states to clear all foregin objest where you lay it down… What they don’t say is “becuase our so called pool is too small to actually take a dive, you will clear it therefore sliding straight into whatever is beyond the Crocodile Mile. Hence the uncleared area, full of rocks, twigs, and whatever else you just threw there, cause you figured the pool would catch you.

You see people the world is a cruel place. People lie. People steal. College loans take forever to pay off, significant others will dump you, and your favorite tv show WILL be cancelled. But the deepest pain of all is realizing the Crocodile Mile is a sham.

(that and pulling the rock out of your skin.)





Reality Round Up 4/21

21 04 2008

Hey everyone…

I’m going to be honest with you all…. this reality round up pains me to write. And, really, I don’t know if I’ll be writing another one. Unless I find another reality show that’s super trashy with one of my all time hero’s from the 80’s. And looking into the future, Indiana Jones, Marty McFly, Ralph Machio, Charles (In Charge), or Optimus Prime aren’t getting their own reality show any time soon. Which breaks my heart.

Bret Michaels gave us one of, if not THE, best reality show anti-hero of all time. My hat is off to you Bret. I really do admire you, in fact the thought had crossed my mind to grow my hair out long and luxurious, snatch a bandana from Wal-Mart, wrangle up 20 stippers/sluts/whores/groupies/news anchors and have them compete for my affections just for the sake of honoring you. And ONLY for the sake of honoring you, Bret.

The Rock of Love tour 2 has come to an end and I gotta say… what a shitty reunion show. I’m not even kidding. I thought for sure there would be more hashing of un-aired drama. More cat fights. More stripper maneuvers. More drinking, throwing up, and all around debauchery. I mean for fuck sake The Bachelor Reunion show has more drama. From what I’ve heard.

I’m not sure about any of you, but the part with Destiny really bothered me for some reason. I mean… I just don’t know what to say. I’m pretty cold hearted, and I don’t like people, but I have a huge soft spot in my heart for certain situations, and Destiny’s situation was definitely one. Poor girl had her dad die couple weeks before the reunion taping. Brought tears to poor Destiny’s eye, and had our Hero come to the rescue and console her. My heart goes out to her… that would suck relieving a moment he cherished on live tv.

All were not safe, as Bret brought up the front runner in my office pool. Kristy Jo. All I can say, is that Bret loves them crazies. And Kristy Jo takes the cake for that… TBIC. (That Bitch Is Crazy) Turns out her and her husband have reconciled and are now living happily ever after. No Fucking way! Just goes to show you will the wonders of a reality show never cease? I can only hope. Thank you Rock of Love season two for re-igniting these two crazy (literally) love birds almost failed marriage.

Last but gloriously not least is my favorite coke sniffing whore Daisy. Oh how I love you Daisy. Two things I’d like to bring up about my semi-retarded, mime in a box, fake breasted Daisy….
#1. Was it just me, or did it look like Daisy had some work done… in the face.
I came to the conclusion that she indeed did have work done. I also came to another conclusion that all the girls looked a little bit better at the reunion show. And this doesn’t make me gay, but it makes me look gay. The reason for the sudden turn-around in the appearance of the women… professional make up artists! All the girls had been doing there own makeup in the house and for the show, they have wonderful make up artists, to make them look “softer.”
#2. Was it also just me, or did Daisy sound articulate for once?
Seriously. Like very little hand motions. Full sentences. What in the hell is going on here? Where’ my girl… wheres my “Fricken” awesome down syndrome stripper? I was disappointed.

But the highlight of the show…. that’s right, Heather winning a gold medal in Weave Pulling. I mean for REAL! Did you see that shit! It was amazing. It was like Heather was a former hockey player (got the frame for it) and she pulled Daisy’s shirt over her head so she couldn’t fight back, then went to town wailing on her poor little head! Man! Craziness. I was kinda hoping for some blood, or at least a stray weave… but of course all I got was a broken bracelet from Rikki Rathman… who by the way… what the hell have YOU been doing? I mean Holy Headbangers ball Batman….

All in all, AHMBRE and our hero Bret are still together making sweet monkey sex. Which goes to show you ladies, if a man asked you to make sweet monkey sex you A.) Do it. B.) keep that man, for he is a keeper!

Sidebar: One time back in middle school we were all treated to the annual field trip of going to the zoo. (if you can already see where this is going, your powers of deduction are to great for you to be wasting them here! You must go! GO for the good of the city.*) During our trip to the zoo it was not only a great way of missing school, but the perfect opportunity to show that special young lady, just how much you care by purchasing her a Churro and a Soda and attempting to get to 1st base in the Atrium. Neither of these actually happened for me cause my mom was always too stubborn to give me any money to spend at the zoo. I did however have the sack lunch while other kids got to buy Penguin Pizza slices, Bear Burgers, and Fox Fries. But I digress, while walking through the monkey exhibit holding hands with my current hottie o’ the week, there they were…. in all thier amorous glory. Doing it. The monkeys felt it the perfect time to not only let us into thier wild kingdom, but help explain mammals having sex. Complete with visual aids. Needles to say, I did not get to first, or any base for that matter. But I can indeed tell you, when Bret asked AHMBRE for Monkey Sex, not only did i flinch and cringe, but I thought fondly of Michelle.

Sorry for the sidebar.

I know in my last two Reality Round Ups I’ve failed to mention American Idol, and I feel like a 14 year old girl, but watching two weeks ago (or so) David Cook did a version of Always Be My Baby, a cover of Mariah Carey, that literally gave me goosebumps… holy shit it was good. He completely transformed a girly pop anthem, into something dark and brooding that you could hear on alternative rock stations across the country… it was that good! Seriously. You can check it out at iTunes. It’s worth it.

David Cook, stepped forward to be my favorite.
David Archuletta, Brooke White, and Syesha Mercado are still sticking around…

Well here is the end of Reality Round up 4/21…. I’d write about the Hills, but seriously. This season really really fucking sucks.

But for those “fans” here are some highlights.

LC and Heidi can’t be friends.
I like that LO is back in the picture. She seems like a fun girl.
Spencer is still a complete douche. It also irritates me knowing that they’re making television appearances together. Search Regis and Kelly. OH, But here is something. If ANYONE can find Heidi Rapping on TRL, I’ll pay them 10 bucks… seriously. That was the most god awful display of a rich white bitch from beverly hills attempting to rap. God she sounded just like the way my grandma would rap… I’m not kidding.
Did anyone see that Justin Bobby came back? Ya did? Cool. Did you also notice when he made his appearance, he look like Don Quixote? Do a Google image search on that one…
I hope at some point those bitches aren’t famous. NO free handout jobs, no sweet ass house that no one I know at that age can really afford. I’m probably just a bit bitter.

whatever.

Reality Round up this week. Point. Less!

* Deduction portion of the blog is brought to you by the Comic Book Store Guy from the Simpsons. One of my all time favorite characters.