Book Worm…

29 05 2009

As I’ve mentioned before, I’ve begun a new and exciting job at one of my local gyms. It’s not glamorous and the only true power I wield is letting people in the gym or allowing them to tan. Out side of that I’m pretty much a stool pigeon in dri-fit pants and a sweat wicking shirt, than more than likely won’t be doing any sweat wicking any time in the near future. (If ever)

As I told numerous friends of mine, and them knowing full well of my single status all seemed to reply with the same answer. “Well at least you’ll meet some hot girls.” Yes I may, and I shall wow them with my hourly paying salary that rivals that of my recently high school graduated brother, my snazzy pants, and my new found powers. However, at least I’ll meet some hot girls.

As I re-examined my not so high paying job, I did include meeting hot girls into the “perks” of the job. Well boys and girls, I am here to tell you there are VERY FEW hot girls that work out at my gym. I’m talking maybe 4 tops. MAYBE.

In fact, since I am the closing shift, there are absolutely NO hot girls that come strolling into work at 8-11pm to work on their fitness. Not only are there no hot girls, the 8-11pm time frame seems to be the best time for crazies, meth heads, wackos, and nut jobs to get a couple reps in. I’m not sure what calls to them. Maybe it’s the fact that no one will judge them (aside from me), or that they can be alone in the place (aside from me) with their thoughts. Whatever the case may be, we have an over abundance of crazies that work out at my gym at night.

I am thankful of being a dude as well, because if I were a girl and had to close the gym with these whack jobs, no doubt I’d be getting the heebie geebies every single night. (Let it be known, I in fact do get the heebie geebies every night, however, I feel that I could throw down if it came down to it. I mean, as long as they didn’t punch me in the face. It’s all I got.)

In addition to closing the joint down, sometimes I work 11 hour days. That’s right, 11 hours of standing at the front desk and basically allowing people to enter and use the workout equipment. I feel like James Vanderbeek in How I Met Your Mother. If you’ve seen the episode, it’s hilarious. I couldn’t find it on YouTube, and since my last two blogs didn’t have a HIMYM reference I figured I’d pony up and put on here.

Soooo… needless to say, I get a bit bored. (B. T. Dub, if it’s needless to say, then why did I say “needless to say.” English. How funny.) And whilst contemplating my boredom, I decided to start bringing books into work.

Those of you who know me may be startled at this revelation , for I believe many of you are of the understanding that my reading prowess extends no further than Calvin and Hobbes. (Yes, the comic. No, not the philosophisers.)

At first I was bringing in books from my own personal collection. Now I Can Die In Peace, by Bill Simmons. Faithful by Steven King and Stewart O’Nan. And Hate Mail from Cheerleaders by Rick Reilly. (2 outta 3 books on the Boston Red Sox. that’s battin .750 folks.) I realized that after cranking through all three of those books in one day, I would have to venture out and bring something with a little more length.

Therefore I turned to my friend Harry Potter. It is widely known that Harry Potter series are the longest books I’ve ever read in my life. Including college. I find this to be an incredible feat, while others are not so impressed. So I brought in some of my books that I one day hoped to be reading to my kid. I delved back into one of the books to begin passing the hours at the gym.

While working at the gym I interact with a wide number of people. With a bunch of different backgrounds, and different lifestyles. People come up to me asking all sorts of questions…
“Are you putting on the Game on the TVs?”
“Why is the Sauna not hot enough?”
“Why do you have a camera on the hot tub?”
“Do people do it in there?”
(so we can see if people drown, and no. No one’s done it in there. At least not to my knowledge.)
[sidebar – seriously this job is going to waste while I’m single.]

As I pass the time reading in addition to the previous gems for question, the one I get mostly is “Whatcha reading?” Now in terms of the sports books, people curiosity was satisfied with just the title, and they moved on with their workout/day.

However, in the case of Harry Potter it was often enough for people to linger and make some sort of comment about the book.
“I Love those books!”
“At least your reading something!”
“I didn’t think you knew how to read.”
“Those books really appeal to certain types of people don’t they?”

Yet my all time favorite was this…
“You must really love when the scanner magically scans my bar code on my membership card then huh?”

as a matter of fact I do. Dick.

So with that last question (and the fact that I finished Harry Potter 6 in two days) I decided I need to obtain myself some more books that would…
A.) Make me looks smart.
B.) Have the two hot girls I know inquire and then be awed by how smart and witty I am.
C.) Make me look more educated than a fourth grader.
D.) Be the new trendy book and the topic of conversations on all things “cool.”
E.) Get me through my 11 hour days.

Seeing as how I’m poor I decided the library was the best option, when it had occurred to me that I did not have a library card. It had then dawned on me, that I had no fucking clue where the library was. This endeavor was going to be harder than I thought.

I settled for a local bookstore and began my search for “the one book.” I noticed some books by Chuck Palahnuik, which I feel as if I’m somewhat obligated to buy, seeing as how he is from the Northwest. I also kinda liked Fight Club so maybe I should get another one of his books. On second thought, the cover sucked. I’m out.

Which brings me to two very important ideologies I have in regards to books.
#1. I will judge a book by it’s cover. It’s no secret that I am indeed a consumer whore, and I will buy things based on how cool they look. So if the book looks cool, chances are I’ll be much more inclined to buy it. And recommend it to friends.

#2. I believe all books came from movies. I will not falter on this.

With that being said, I feel that I should actually read some books that I tell people I’ve already read. You know, the Great Gatsby, Catch 22, that book by Jack Kerouac, The Jungle, War and Peace. But seeing as how people already think I’ve read them, what’s the point.

I lingered at the bookstore for over an hour, just perusing books that cuaght my eye. Here is the list of said books. (Not ALL of them, cause there were some really cool covers out there… )

Loose Girl – Kerry Cohen (obviously)
Tuesdays With Morrie – Mitch Albom ( My roommate in college had this. Morrie must have been a pretty cool dude to give up every Tuesday for. I mean it’s 50 cent wing night at Buffalo Wild Wings. And they have beer.)
Sasquatch – Jeff Meldrum (Not quite the hot girl lure I was hoping for, but the cover was BAD ASS!)
A-Rod – Selena Gomez – (Any book that calls A-Rod “bitch tits” is ok in my book. get it? In my book… I kill me.)
I Am Legend – (Sorry, graphic novel section)
The Raw Shark Texts – Steven Hall (Chicks dig texts. Sharks are cool. We may have a winner.)
Pride and Prejudice and Zombies – Jane Austen and Seth Grahame-Smith (I always figured that movie could use a few zombie killings. Not that I’ve seen it.)
Microserfs – Douglas Coupland (I feel like my inner geek is reaching out and begging me to buy this book. Plus I think they’re writing about my dad.)
The Five People You Meet In Heaven – Mitch Albom (Since I’m not going, no need to worry about who I’m meeting. pass.)

So my blogging friends this is my feeble attempt at getting some recommendations on some making me smart looking-conversation starter-hot girl appealing- 11 hour killing books that are…
1. Cover appealing.
2. Aren’t movies I’ve already seen.

And ps, if ONE of you mentions Tucker Max, I’m going to be pissed…

Feel Free to email me…
SarcasmAsAWeapon@gmail.com

Until Next time…

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Mourning…

21 10 2008

It’s true, I’m in mourning. My Red Sox had a valiant comeback from 3 games to 1 to force a game 7 at Tropicana Field. In which they lost.

The big story however is game 5.

I’ve mentioned before that I coach a high school soccer team and that commitment is pretty important to me. I attend all the games and assist the head coach in just about everything. In fact at one point, while our head coach was serving a suspension, I was the interim head coach for a game. We tied. But that’s not important.

That night however, I had a gigantic conflict as the Red Sox, in an elimination game were on tv. Now, mind you, I don’t leave the Sox for just about anything. Almost nothing in fact. Last year, while the Sox were in the World Series, I sat at home while all my friends were out galavanting around in slutty halloween costumes. And for those that know me, missing out on Slut Appreciation Weekend (read: Halloween) is not something I take lightly. Nor is drinking. But however the Sox were on. And I did not leave my couch.

I knew however that I was going to have to leave for my game that night. A decision I did not take lightly. I’m pretty superstitious and knowing that I would be away from my spot while supporting the Sox did not sit well with me.

At the time I left for my game, the Sox were down 5-0. I had to leave. I didn’t want to. But had too. The Sox needed me. I was letting them down, and if they lost, it was all my fault. At the game while warming up my goalkeeper, someone shouted from the side, Coach… Sox down 7-0 in the seventh.

Crushed.

My attention was turned to the game at hand. A must win for my team to have any shot at playoffs. With my rising blood pressure from the Sox, and the fact that we held a narrow, 1-0 lead in the socer game, my heart was taking a beating.

We held on to the lead, and finished with a 1-0 win, and a mighty brighter hope for playoffs. Something that hasn’t been done with our school since 95 I believe. It was a big win. It basically cancelled out the thoughts and feelings I had about the Sox losing. Until I returned home. I had realized that although we had gotten our win, the Red Sox, who I’ve been supporting since I was 8 years old, had lost.

I went to my room to check out my emails, facebook, myspace, and my phone. Upon checking my phone the strangest thing happened. I had 7 new text messages, 5 missed phone calls, and 3 new voice mails. Contrary to popular belief I DO NOT get this many messages, phone call, or voice mails in an entire week, let alone a two hour time span.

I began to read some of the text..

That Papelbon guy is good. Weird why would Paps be in. losing 7-0 why would they have a closer in. odd.
Still breathing. Yeah, why wouldn’t I be… 7-0, no one comes back from 7-0 in the 7th inning.
Well hot damn. Hot damn, what… we were down 7-0 in the 7th inning.
You best be watching!! Well I would like, to, but I’m not sure what you’re all excited about.. it’s 7-0 in the 7th inning.

So at this point, I decided to check ESPN.com… and there it was… the Sox had pulled off the most incredible, improbable comeback of the ALCS history. The Sox had come back from 7-0 in the 7th inning to win the game!

I was in shock, the next couple minutes of my life I actually don’t remember. I tried texting my friends, back but I’m pretty sure it was incoherent nonsense. They came back. They won. They were destined for #3. Of course, we all know what happened. And if you don’t well shame on you. Sox took game 6 and pushed a game 7 which they gallantly lost.

At least now I can go out for Slut Appreciation Weekend. Bonus.

I’ve been in mourning for the last couple of days. It stings, and it hurts. We got beat by a great team. They were good. They ARE good. In fact I think the Rays are so good, that not only will they win the WS, but the Sox got the best scouting report on their 2010 roster.

My life is returning to normal. In fact, in other news, I’ve taken a job working at a large warehouse chain made popular by the movie Employee of the Month. I worked there a long time ago right after high school. So almost ten years ago did I work there. Which turns out was to my benefit because a lot of the same people are STILL there. Amazing. I had to take a drug test so pending the drug test, I’ll be going to orientation on Thursday. Should be interesting.

Orientation, should be interesting. Not the drug test.

For those of you without DirecTV, I have to say you’re missing one of the greatest season of Friday Night Lights. This show is AMAZING. I wish I could give you all sorts of insight, and we could talk about it. Hell, no one I know has DirecTV so I can’t talk about the show without giving things away. It bothers me a lot, because there is a lot I need to discuss with my friends.

Like Lyla Garrity…

photo from Men's Health Magazine

photo from Men's Health Magazine

Sidebar: I’d like it to be known, that Minka Kelly has been knocked out of my top 5 list of hot girls. You see, while she is incredibly hot, Minka has been involved in activities that have lowered her status. Her dropping out of the list reasons are three fold…
#1. She Dated John Mayer.
#2. She’s Dating Derek Jeter.
#3. She was at a University of Texas football game.
(she was actually at the game WITH Derek Jeter… two things that are at the top of my HATE list at the SAME TIME. MINKA WHY?!?!? WHY?!?!)

or is it just me, or is coaches daughter getting a bit hotter?

Getty Images

Getty Images

Last but not least, what guy wouldn’t want to be Tim Riggins?!?! Captain of the SS Ta Ta’s.
(aside from sleeping with your best friends girlfriend, couple days after he was paralyzed… whatever.)

All these burning questions and topics I need to discuss with people.

Speaking of good tv, is anyone else watching Entourage??? It’s been awesome… all I have to say is Ari Gold is back. He’s already had some amazing lines that I’m pretty sure you can find at one of my favorite blog sites… Ari Gold quotes.. check it out. Hilarious.

Oh and How I Met Your Mother has also been great this season. The last episode was hilarious. Watch it here and enjoy….. Shelter Island

The Seattle Mariner comment was HILARIOUS.

Anway, enough from me… if you want to know, or discuss more TV here is what’s on my DVR…
The Hills
How I Met Your Mother
Big Bang Theory
Heroes
Chuck
Friday Night Lights
The Office
Grey’s Anatomy
Entourage

Speaking of Tv, this is one of the best text messages that brightened my week….
I get sick of MTV’s Parental Control and then they throw some lesbians in there and suck me back in.

these are my friends.

SarcasmAsAWeapon@gmail.com

until next time.