V Day with Rachel Bilson…

15 02 2009

First, I wanted to let the millions three readers that I have know, that I updated my “about me” section so that the next time I go off and judge 25 women based solely on their looks, you can now email me and call me an asshat.

And based on my wit, the return email will probably go something like this….

To: SarcasmFan
From: DoubleDown
Subject: RE: Judging women

Dear Fan,
YOU’RE an asshat.

Thank you for reading.


 

 

With that out of the way, I figured I’d update my friends with how I spent my Valentines. As per usual, I really hate Valentines Day as a whole. I really think that it’s pretty much shallow and commercial. And believe me, I’m not one of those people who hates commercialism. I’m totally cool with it. In fact I embrace it for all it’s worth. Christmas being commercialized.. Awesome! Just as long as I’m getting in on some of the action.

This however is not the case on Valentines Day. For I am not getting in on ANY action. Therefore, Valentines Day sucks.

I’ve been fighting off a cold the last couple of days, so at night I’ve been taking night time cold medicine which pretty much knocks me out till noon the next day. In addition to that, I’m also insanely groggy because of it. Therefore I hadn’t really realized that our doorbell had rang 10 minutes after I had gotten up.

However, after the drug induced haze had left me, I quickly remembered that the doorbell had indeed rung 20 minutes ago, and I hadn’t heard the door close. (We have a large door to our house, and no matter where you are in the house you can hear it close.) So I left my perch up stairs and came unto our landing to see my little sister holding the door open, and a BOY standing outside on our doorstep.

sidebar: For those of you who don’t know, I’m VERY protective of my little sister. I, being a boy at one point, know exactly what boys have on their mind. In addition I also coach High School soccer at the same school she attends. Which allows me to know exactly what the boys are talking about. And I’m going to let you in on a secret. Boys are dirty.

So it displeased me a great deal. To notice said boy lurking about our house. Dropping off valentines to my little sister. As I rounded past the open door, I made sure that he saw me. We made eye contact, to which I believe said…

MyEyeContact: Don’t think I don’t see you there. Even though I just woke up and may not look it, I’m effing crazy! I’ve killed people for less than what your doing.
HisEyeContact: ooooooh shit. Big brother.
MyEyeContact: Damn straight.
HisEyeContact: Look at the ground.
MyEyeContact: Dude, sweet blazer though. Nicely done.

I felt as if the eye contact of death was enough. I’m pretty sure I got my point across, however what I really wanted to do is this….

Turns out, he brought her a rose, a valentine, and some candy or some shit.

And for all of you stop saying… awweeee that’s cute.
That shit aint cute. Dressin all snazzy dropping off Valentines. Damn.

The rest of my Valentines Day was fairly uneventful. I met up with a friend of mine from high school for some drinks which were intended to be for my birthday, but seeing as how some people have a job they can’t always find a ton of time to get drinks.

It was very cool, however, I told my friend “Belle” (she to this day still has a thing for Disney princesses, although by definition, I don’t think Belle was actually a princess) about the story of my young sisters new suitor. She responded by saying “be nice to her.” Which I respectfully disagreed with.

We had great conversation, especially when the couple next to us sat down. The woman was wearing a wedding ring, while the gentleman next to her was not. Seeing as how my friend Belle is married, we got on the topic of conversation about wearing a wedding ring etc etc.

At this point, Belle got a little heated, and may or may not have been calling the gentleman next to us a “dick” for not wearing a ring. Obviously not to his face or directly, but in the context of the conversation. I found it hilarious, because every time she would mention his charcater, she would said “he’s a dick!” quite loudly.

After some time passed and conversations changed, I noticed that I was indeed wrong. That the woman next to the gentleman was in fact NOT wearing a ring. To which I giggled to myself. And no, I didn’t tell Belle, because I thought her commentary on the fact was hilarious.

After drinks with Belle, I stopped by my happy place. Best Buy. I actually got quite the chuckle at seeing a couple couples hanging out at Best Buy. Heads up guys. For any of you reading this, based on some of the expressions of the ladies that were at Best Buy, taking them there on a Valentines date, not a good idea.

One couple, the young man was taking down death glares left and right as he poured over Car stereo information. I could just see him dropping 200 bucks for a new Car Stereo then taking the young lass over to Chipotle for 2 burritos, and a bag of chips. That made me laugh internally.

Another couple was in the DVD section trying to pick out a movie for the night. I could tell who was leading the charge based on the movies they were looking at. The Notebook, Pretty Woman, Sleepless in Seattle, and so on. Poor guy, kept turning his head and watching the big screen displays. Hoping and praying at some point he was able to make it home and watch the All Star festivities. Hate to break it to you young man, but in no way shape or form are you watching Dwight Howard lose the dunk contest to little Nate Robinson. Enjoy the Notebook dude, heres hoping you get those 123 minutes of your life back.

I left the Best Buy empty handed and without completing any retail therapy. I resisted the urge of treating myself to dinner from 5 Guys Burgers and Fries, went home and decided to finish off watching the NBA All-Star festivities and find a movie on TV.

I came across Jumper. A movie I had always wanted to watch but never had any desire to make the effort to watch. In said movie is a girl, I’ve always had a little crush on, but I’m pretty sure she’s making her way into my top 5.

That’s right, little Rachel Bilson.
rachel_bilson1

I’m pretty sure were the perfect fit. She’s short, brunette, spritely (trying to use that word more often) seems really down to earth, and based on an extensive google image search always dresses cute. Which are all qualities that fit me perfectly.

Plus, she acted like she was interested in guys who like sarcasm (Summer on the OC.) and appeared in a show in which she fell for a geek (Chuck) So based on those two parameters, I’m pretty sure she’d totally dig me.

So if any of you know Rachel Bilson, I’d soooo totally love an introduction. Then we can make out, talk about Geek stuff, be sarcastic and live happily ever after.

That last sentence reminded me why I don’t like boys talking to my sister.

Happy Valentines day to me!

Until next time.

SarcasmAsAWeapon@gmail.com

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And Then We Rocked Our Faces Off…..

2 08 2008

“In history of Rock 301 we learn about the history of rock music.”
“And the we ROCKED OUR FACES OFF!”

-Muarice, Accepted

Yes its true. I started out this blog with a quote from Accepted. If you haven’t seen it, it’s not a bad movie to rent. That quote is one of my favorites from the entire movie. Surprisingly it is also what I did most of saturday afternoon.

You see, I was just chilling at home with my lil brother and we were obviously both bored. We have a stockpile of old Playstation 2 games, along with some scattered Xbox games. For Christmas last year we were able to procure a Playstation 3 and so some of our older games are just plain sucky.

With that in mind we gathered up all of our un-played games, and I even threw in my Xbox to take to Game Stop to trade them in for some new games. Our ultimate goal was to get NCAA 09 so that I could play my friend Haggy online and never have to leave the comforts of my AC at home. I could also see epic battles of Ducks and Beavers for months before the real thing actually took place.

Our gaming geek who runs his shop like well oiled machine finally was able to tally up all our trade ins. Coming to a grand total 170 dollars. With that the wheels in my head began to spin. And my little kid inside me (who’s not nearly as repressed as the fat kid.) looked around the store for something… ANYTHING worth 170 bucks.

Sidebar. When I get bored I have a tendency to solve my boredom in perhaps a little unorthodox way. Retail Therapy. That’s right. I like to buy things. It makes me feel better. Now, I don’t go all woman and shop for clothes or shoes I tend to buy electronics, video games, and movies. Although I’m not going to lie, a nice pair of shoes can solve a lot of problems. (which also reminds me, that last statement doesn’t make me gay, it makes me look gay.)

So after glancing around the store, I found it. I knew it had to be mine.

Me: “Hey dude, how much is Rock Band?”
Gaming Geek: “it’s $170.”
Me: (with eyes lit up) REALLY?!?!”
GG: “uh, yeah.”
Me: “We’ll take it!”
GG: (at this point obviously not amused with my antics.) “cool.”

So it was ours. We took our store credit and traded it in for Rock Band! Then I purchased NCAA 09 to cure my retail therapy, because we didn’t actually “buy” Rock Band.

I’m not kidding you when I say it felt so much like Christmas morning. My bro and I hurriedly took the huge box downstairs to unpack and set up the glorious drum set, mic, and new guitar. Packaging was strewn across the basement like a tornado had hit. But I can promise you, we had that thing set up in record time!

Can I tell you how much fun we had!!! It was amazing. I played Guitar and my bro played drums. We played so long that he developed a callus/blister on his hands. My legs began to hurt from standing in a guitar playing rock stance for so long.

Our band, Basement Brothers, is looking for two more members. We need bass and vocals. It would totally help your chances if you were hot in either case. In fact, it may be the sole purpose we pick you. So gear up the vocal chords, head to Best Buy to pick up your bass guitar, and give me a call. We’ll hang out, rock our faces off, and my mom may even make us brownies.

If you’ve never seen the Rock Band in it’s glory then check out this video of the Best Buy employees doing a little morning meeting.

Ps, this meetings actually take place about once a month. The usually begin at 7 in the morning on a Saturday. BB management feels this is the best time to get all the store employees in once spot at one time. Every meeting consists of the managers doing some sort of “training.” No one listens, and 99% of all the younger store employees are either hung over, or still rip roaring drunk. There have been many times where Gibbs, Big P, and I all rolled into the Best Buy morning meeting and had booze seeping outta every pore. The best was the management would usually get us a nice little breakfast spread, and nothing soaks up booze like 5 or 6 maple bars. Trust me.

I’m not sure if it was just our store, but we never did anything cool like that. EVER.

Of course, it’s probably because we were all still too drunk to Rock our Faces off!

By the way… See something in the internet you’d like me to rant about… or think is funny… or you think I might enjoy it… the feel free to email anything you’d like to…

SarcasmAsAWeapon@gmail.com

Until next time.





Sometimes I Don’t Follow The Cool Kids

2 03 2008

Sometimes I don’t follow the cool kids. I’ll not jump on the bandwagon of things that are cool and hip.

For example, I just started watching Arrested Development. Like not catching the new season or what not, actually watching the first season on DVD last night. I liked it so much I finished the whole first season the last night. It was fantastically sarcastic, witty, and funny. Jason Bateman stars and dammit he’s just funny. One of my favorite rolls that he’s done was the sports anchor in Dodgeball…. Effin A, Cotton. Effin A. Hilarity.

Oh, heres one of my favorite lines from Arrested Development.
Mom: “Well, I’m going to the Hospital Bar.”
Jason: “Mom, hospitals don’t have bars.”
Mom: “no wonder people hate hospitals.”

I don’t know why. I just thought it was hilarious.

Anyway. Not catching the bus the first time I think can be a good thing. Gives me time to evaluate my priorities. Like hookah. Unless you’re 18 and about ready to go out cosmic bowling. you probably shouldn’t be smoking hookah. Seriously. It’s flavored tobacco. Cool i get that. Tastes good. I get that. What I don’t get is this…

If you’re a guy in your mid to late 20’s would you ever consider smoking blackberry, raspberry, or peach cigarettes? No, you say?? Would people make fun of you and call you “gay” for smoking fruity cigarettes? Ya think? Maybe? I mean you’re are essentially smoking flavored cigarettes. (Minus the nicotine and all it’s harmful truth commercials.) Might want to look into that a bit. I’m just sayin. Plus it’s something cool hip and trendy from another country so of course white people can latch on to it. Might as well be featured on stuffwhitepeoplelike.com

So this all brings me to my point. Recently I decided to follow all the cool kids and go see Cloverfield the day after it came out. I’m not going to lie, I was taken in by viral marketing, and the intenseness of the creepy preview. And of course one of my good friends gave a glowing review.

KHam “It’s really good!!”
Me: “Really!?”
KHam “Yeah, it’s really good.”
Me: “What’s good about it?”
KHam: “It’s just good.”
Me: “well damn, I can’t argue with that. Sign me up!”

So I went to see Cloverfield.

See I don’t feel I’ve ever been able to talk about Cloverfield because I blogged on MySpace, and Cloverfield did extensive marketing on MySpace, and I just didn’t want to feel Toms rath but…………

It sucked! Like it was terrible. Like really bad. I got sucked in. All the people in the world who loved it I actually question if we’d seen the same movie. I kept going to movie reviews all over the net…
“it’s great” (it wasn’t)
“A scary thrill ride” (it’s not)
“you’ll be on the edge of your seat.” (you won’t)

I couldn’t believe my eyes. What had this world come to??
You may even be reading this and saying, gee, I really liked it. Why did you hate it so much.

Well obviously not real person asking me a fake question on my blog, here are some of the reasons (actually all of them) why I hated Cloverfield.
(THERE WILL BE SPOILERS HERE. IF YOU HAVEN’T SEEN IT ALREADY (BLESS YOU) AND YOU DO WANT TO SEE IT (PLEASE DON’T) THEN DO NOT READ AHEAD. THERE WILL BE SPOILERS.)

#1. Could they have gotten more generic people to be the characters. It’s like they picked them up off the street… Ok you with your old navy sport coat and unkempt hair, you’re in. Um you pretty girl… yeah you’re in. You… yeah awkward looking social outcast… totally IN! oooh and you, with your trendy t-shirt, and unkepmt beard and hair, you’re older brother. And you, yeah you black girl, you’re totally in. They were boring, lame cookie cutter characters.

#2 Speaking of the black girl, did anyone else notice that in the melting pot of the WORLD, there were two black people. Two. One main character, and the dude from the military. Two. In New York. You may as well have been tearing down Salt Lake City with those staggering diversity numbers.

#3 Let me get this straight. Monster invades. Blows out windows with his footsteps (important for another point later on.) Everyone is running away. On a bridge. Big brother gets crushed by gigantic tail. Back to the city. Main character gets the muther effing urge to save a girl he’s slept with once, and was probably sleeping with another dude????? SERIOUSLY. The were upset for like 2 mins after big bro gets its, then lover-boy is going after some slut, that was going to sleep with someone else. No way. No way in hell. I mean imagine he gets back to her apartment (another point) and there they are in all their naked glory just after doing it smoking cigarettes. I guess this is the movies, so it wouldn’t happen. But in real life, (and by real life I mean mine) that’s what would happen to me.

4. The big scary scene in the movie is when our handsome group travel to the subway tunnels to get from place to place. People would ask me, didn’t you find that scene scary? No, and here is why. Who the fuck seriously things the subway tunnels of New York city are safe?? Who?? NO ONE. So of course something was going to get them in there. of course.

5. When they went back to find the main characters whore, they come across her apartment building that is LEANING against another building. LEEEEAAANING!! Leaning on another building. If there is anything we know in this world, it’s that building aren’t really that sturdy. But alas, that is the only way they could get to lover-boy’s whore. (Which again was another epically stupid bit of filmmaking.)

6. Towards the end of the movie, most of the characters are dead. Three remain, they’ve made it till morning. We all assume them to be safe. And that is how we get the footage that was shot. Then out of no where the monster (that previously made your seat rumble with bass every step, and blew out the storefront windows) SNUCK UP on our wary travelers. How in the name of all that is good and holy, did the monster sneak up on the characters? Theres no way! NO EFFING WAY! God this part was stupid.

7. Last but not least, as I’ve previously mentioned in other posts, I worked at a Best Buy. In digital cameras/camcorders to be exact. Not one camera in the entire building has more than a 3 hour battery. I mean yes, you can buy a battery, but judging by the cookie cutter characters, those douchebags came into the Best Buy and said,

DB: “I want the best digital camcorder and a bag.”
Sales associate: “Would you like a battery? Or our Service plan?”
DB: “How long can I get with the battery it comes with?”
Sales associate: “About three hours. Assuming you don’t use night vision.”
DB: “naw, I’ll be good.” (with a douchebag smirk insinuating he was shooting porn, which in fact he was not.)

Plus not only would the battery not survive. The camera itself woudn’t have survived a bridge collapsing on it.

The film style didn’t bother me. You know the Blair Witch style of filming. I was ok with that. However. I was not ok with the above list.

Next time, maybe I’ll listen to my instincts and skip out on what all the cool kids are doing. Which reminds, me. I need to shave and get a hair cut. Oh, and stop by Old Navy, there is a sale on blazers.

Ps if you want to be one of the cool kids, Cloverfield is coming out on DVD pretty soon. Make sure you’re first in line.