Adventures In Babysitting…

20 10 2009

When last we saw our hero he had just gotten a promotion at work and was coaching high school soccer at the same time. Both of them have been mentally draining and left him with a little creativity. And, not much will to live. But that’s another story.

Not that I need to get into too many details, but our soccer team has performed, a little less admirably than I’d like to admit. But since I’ve already brought it up (and following the Sienfeld guidelines, that once you start you have to finish) I’ll have you know that our team has pretty much sucked this season. In league play we have 0 wins to go along with our 0 goals. I’d take that a little more personally had our team not crumbled before our eyes.

Lets look at some season stats…
3 Broken legs
1 Broken Collar bone
1 Pulled hamstring
1 ingrown toenail that has the kid’s white sock red at the end of the game
1 pulled calf muscle
1 Outdoor sitting bench falling on a kids leg
2 kids who’ve just decided to not let anyone know where they are
220 cases of Swine Flu at the school (Now, they’re not exactly swine flu, and our own team didn’t have 220 cases, however, last Monday there were 220 students out of school for sickness. Yes, some were from our team.)

I’m not going to lie. In all my years of coaching that’s an impressive stat sheet. Like REALLY impressive. We’d love for us to have the ability to pull up some players from JV, however, they started with 22 and are down to 12. As the kids continue to drop left and right, I’m less and less inclined to believe my coaching abilities are what’s driving the team down and that the soccer gods pretty much just have it out for me for some odd reason.

Awesome. Season.

So, coaching has been a bit rough.

However, while coaching has been rough, the whole working thing has really began to suck the life outta me.

I was moved up into a “managing” position that is in charge of our reception area and our Kids club facility. You know, where over zealous parents can drop their spawn off for a little more TV babysitting so they can get their 30 minutes of cardio in.

Our front desk staff (which I was previously apart of) is generally of the same idea that our job, while not difficult, is the most boring job in the world. Standing for six hours at a time, while scanning cards so people can use the gym isn’t mentally challenging, it’s actually a mental assault on your brain that I believe, without any scientific proof, that makes you dumber. In fact, I’m really afraid that if the Gym in question put some time and money into training monkeys, we’d be replaced in a matter of minutes.

Alas, I have risen above this mental assault on my mind to be reminded, that indeed, the mental assault of dullness and stupidity DOES NOT end there. The aforementioned Kids Club is under my domain. I am in charge of the hiring and firing of all that enter that room, and all that are responsible for caring for the spawns of Satans that partake of the gyms services. Once I received my promotion, it was indeed my first priority to find someone to fill the spot of one of the girls leaving. Of course, the manager before me gave me a sweet 2 day window of finding someone.

I’m not sure if you know how corporate America works, but hiring someone in 2 days is damn near impossible. But, I did my best. I got another young lady who had previous experience working with today’s youth and had her fill out paperwork as fast as possible. I called around to some other clubs to see if they would be able to spare a couple of their Kids Club attendants to help out for a bit. For the most part all was covered and I felt pretty good about the situation.

Until the day of reckoning came upon our hero. (Still me.) One of the girls, informed me that she had an emergency and was unable to work one of the following days. I tried in vain to find suitable coverage for the Kids Club but to no real avail. Then the plan crept into my head, “just have one of the female personal trainers do it. She needs the hours.” I looked at her availability and noticed that she indeed was free most of the hours I needed covered. With her track record in having clients cancel on her, I figured she could cover, considering we only get one or two kids in the morning anyway. She agreed, and my life again was seamless and I was an awesome manager.

The thing about planning, is usually it gets fucked up. As is the case in this story. Apparently, our Personal Trainer had her client come in, and unusually we had two infants show up to be “watched” after. Seeing as how I was the new manager, it was now my duty to go back and watch these young children.

I got back to Kids Club, and to my delight the two children were calm and unresponsive. Of course, the minute their mothers left this all changed. Boy Baby decided to freak the fuck out and start crying uncontrollably. This prompted Girl Baby to start freaking out. Based on my extensive non-verbal communication classes in college, I deduced that this young Girl Baby was indeed freaked out by males and was having NONE OF THIS! She would shudder and shy away and begin crying. Well, this just egged on Boy Baby, and before I knew it had a fucking stereo crying contest in my ear.

This isn’t even the best part. As mom of Boy Baby was leaving, she left me with one little detail of her sons life that she felt I needed to know. Her son was in fact teething. Fucking awesome.

I come from a large family, and I’ve had my siblings go through teething. It’s not their fault they cry constantly without end keeping you up all hours of the day and night, shit hurts, I get it. I mean your gums are getting ripped up and all you’ve got is this fucking binky(pacifier). If it was cool to give them booze, I bet not one kid would complain about teething.

Boy Baby was in hysterics, as I held him in my massive arms trying to comfort him. As the pain got to him, I couldn’t help but notice that his mouth was wide open (along with his nostrils) and not only did I have baby slobber running down my shirt and onto my arm, but I believe it was a mixture of snot and slobber creeping down his face. As I got a tissue to try and stop the massive flow of snot from the Boy Baby’s nose, I feel as if I angered the beast even more. He wailed out mostly in pain, but mostly because he, along with myself, no longer wanted to be at the gym. It was fucking nap time, and for the love of all that is good an holy, he was letting me know.

It was about this point in the story that I called the front desk to get the mothers of these children. I did my best. I’ve taken care of my brothers and sister many times. I called upon this prior experience to try and soothe the raging beast. My options were not working. I did all I could, save for having boobs, and breastfeeding.

The mothers came, and retrieved their spawns, and apologized because “they’re usually not like this.” I said, no mam, it was my apologies they couldn’t get a full workout in. As the mothers left with their respective spawns I took it upon myself to find the nearest Hand Sanitizer station and proceed to take a bath. However, looking upon this Hand Sanitizer station, I came to notice one fact about hand Sanitizers. They ONLY kill 99.9 percent of all germs.

99.9 percent.

Which means, that that little Snot Nosed/Drool Machine Germ Host that I had cradled in my arms to comfort was carrying the .1% of germs in the world that was probably going to either make me sick, or indeed kill me.

Toss up.

It also clued me into another realization of my life…

I’m going to be an “awesome” dad.

Until next time…

Email Me
SarcasmAsAWeapon@gmail.com





Baby Seals…

4 10 2009

I know it’s been a very long time since I’ve posted anything. And I know that makes me a terrible person. I understand. I know some of you may be really pissed. Then again, I know most of you could care less. It’s not like I’ve gotten an angry, “dude, why haven’t you posted in a long time” email. But then again I’m not angry at myself. I’m just disappointed.

It seems as if my life has been pretty busy. I would like to tell you guys how fulfilling my life has been right now with travel all over the world, or a new girl that I spend all my time with, or about the research I’ve been doing on curing cancer, or all the volunteer firefighting I’ve been doing. However, if I were to do this, I would be lying. Turns out, my life is pretty much the same as it has been. Although two developments have kept me pretty busy.

The first development is that I’ve been “promoted” at work. You see I use the term loosely. I mean, I did get more money. I do now have a staff that works beneath me (that’s what she said! Can i do that on my own blog?) I get to hire and fire. And let it be known, I will go Ari Gold style when I get to do my first firing. Now, the downside to this promotion, is I actually have responsibilities. As of late at The Gym I’d been doign a night shift which consisted of me turning off the TV’s, locking the doors and going home. It was pretty glorious, aside from closing at 11pm every night. I even kinda became a book worm. It was nice being able to sit at the front desk, scan a card, and sit back down and read my books. Not bad for a days work.

While work is plodding along the biggest thing that is taking up my time is coaching High School soccer. In my vain attempt to be a lot more cool with the Europeans I decided to start coaching some soccer. (The attempt for raising my status with Europeans came when one so lovingly commented on one of my previous posts. So I vowed to become more hip as it were with Europe.) (Of course, this isn’t exactly all true, because I’ve been coaching soccer for over 8 years now. And if it were any REAL attempt to raise my status in Europe, I’d start calling it futbol, but that as we all know would make me sound pretentious. And I can’t have that.)

I’ve been coaching at my current school for nearly 5 years. Enough time to see freshman grow up (use the term loosely) and become seniors and go on to play some college soccer. I’ve also seen kids grow up and completely waste their lives on drugs and failed attempts and being porn stars. (the second half of that statement isn’t true.) However, regardless of talent, or regardless of life’s offerings after high school, one thing they all have in common is soccer, and our annual beach trip.

I get excited for the beach trip every year. I really do look forward to a weekend, molding young minds and continually getting bigger laughs for “that’s what she said jokes” than with my current group of friends. If anything this trip essentially feeds my ego, and indeed reminds me how cool I am. Not that I’m looking for that from high school students, it’s just kinda cool. That’s all.

The make up of this team is a bit different than in years past. In years past this team of athletes was made up of predominantly white students. However, as years have gone by and the socio-economics of our neighborhood have changed so has the student base. Now, our team is probably 90% Hispanic. Which is fine. It’s good to be exposed to different cultures. As I was on the hour long trip to the beach. We as coaches are given the task of driving a van load of students to the beach. It just so happened, I was given a van load of all Hispanic kids. And like most kids this day and age, they have iPods and wanted to listen to it. I’m pretty hip and cool so I felt that I may know some of the songs they would play. However, they all had an inside joke, and for the first 20 minutes of our trip, a mariachi band was seated in all six speakers of the van. They thought this was funnier than I did.

After our drive, and trip to the pizza joint, the boys were all fed, and ready for some chillen at the house. And by this I mean, eating all sorts of crap, and seeing who could burp the longest/loudest/special words. We have little control over this, because were in the other room going over individual goals one at a time. (This year was indeed really tame, as we got reports after the fact that one group started playing strip poker one year.)

The next day we focus on team bonding and generally trying not to talk too much about soccer. The coaches start up a bbq, and lament on the fact we have no booze. Sometimes we’ll walk by a bar with outdoor seating, and sling curse words at the people enjoying a frothy beverage. Our blood pressure and stress level also rises during these months of coaching. After a day spent, surfing, watching college football, visiting some bumper cars, we settled on the beach for a bon fire and s’mores.

Two of the boys, decided it was a cool idea to dig a “hole.” That’s right. Just a hole. For no apparent reason. It reminded me of the Friends episode where Joey digs a hole. However his hole would be used for medical purposes when Monica was stung by a jellyfish. We had no jelly fish stings on our trip. However we did have some need for medical attention.

Youth of today are rumored to always stay inside and never venture out and enjoy life. This is obviously not true for my group of soccer students. Apparently they play a game called Fugitive. It’s fairly simple in it’s premise. One group defends a location. The other attempts to get to that location. If you get tagged, you’re mission was unsuccessful, and you have been “caught.” We decided that after it got dark we would play Fugitive on the sand dunes and attempt to get back to the house.

My team, it was determined, would be attempting to get back to the house. As the leader I dubbed them the Navy Seals. Now I’m not sure if one of my Hispanic players didn’t hear me, understand me, or just plain wanted to piss me off, for he insisted on calling all of us Baby Seals. “Lets go Baby Seals.” Baby Seals! I’ve got a plan.” His all time classic quote came after discussing the boundaries. “Yo, Baby Seals, I got one thing to say about the boundaries… FUCK THE BOUNDARIES!” This quote brought me great joy, in seeing as this particular player is all of 5’3, and possibly 100 pounds. We all had a good laugh.

As darkness surrounded the playing field I got my team into position as we made our assault on the house. All of us began creeping quietly toward the house in silence. If I didn’t know any better I’d say I had a team full of silent assassins moving in for the kill. However I had my team, and I knew at some point they’d fuck up.

As it turns out, I waited patiently in the sand dunes and crept slowly toward the street. It must have been 10 minutes I slowly crept up patiently awaiting any sign of movement or sounds. As I inched closer to the street I heard a member of the opposing team coming my way. As he got closer he heard a twig snap beneath my feet. We both took off running.

About 40 minutes before the game began the head coach stated, maybe we should just play in the streets because that would be safer. This idea was quickly shot down because the dunes around the ocean were hilly and provided some cool cover for all of us. One of the other coaches, actually suggested, lets keep it in the sand dunes because running around the streets at night is not safe for anyone. Especially kids wearing all black trying not to be seen. As our head coach realized he had been out voted, he opted not to play but been the man guarding the aforementioned boundaries.

I wish I had listened to the head coach. As I took off in a dead sprint, I quickly came to realize, that not only was someone chasing me, but this ground was not level by any means. I felt that if I could make it to a certain point I could crawl down and he would zip right past me. I was running at full speed, reeds of grass whipping by my waist and the footsteps of a faster man behind me.

And then it happened. I placed my right foot where I thought land would be. Turns out it wasn’t. Apparently there had been a rock pit about 20 yards from my initial mad dash and I had found it. I landed on a rock knee first, and came to a crashing halt of rocks flying everywhere. Most of them were the size of flat rocks you might use to garden with. Regardless, I was in the middle of it on my back. You would have thought, my first thought was “man I hope I’m alright.” It wasn’t. It was however “man, if I lay still enough, maybe he’ll run right past me and I can still make the house.” Apparently he didn’t run right past me, but he had indeed heard me hit the rock pile. He had caught someone and he knew it. As he approached I could hear him say “I so got you!” But to his dismay, he hadn’t gotten any of his teammates. Just one of his coaches. Laying motionless in a rock pit. Wounded like a trapped Rhino on an African poaching show. He stood over me, looked down in disgust and said…. “oh. Its you.” and walked off.

Later on that night I regained myself and made it back to the house. There was the assailant with a broad smile and a package of fruit snacks in his lap. Victory was his.

As I sat there in the house, with an ice bag on my knee I realized that not only did he not ask if I was ok and left me to die, he in fact had NOT actually tagged me. A thought, that I kept to myself, as I was safely inside the house.

Victory was mine.

Until Next Time…

SarcasmAsAWeapon@gmail.com





Irish Wake Style… Pt.2

1 09 2009

If you haven’t done so already make sure to check out the first installment of this 2 part series.

Now, where did we leave off. Oh that’s right our faithful hero had made it home after a very long night of drinking, and had his manliness insulted.

I awoke early afternoon and RPG had already headed off to work. Luckily enough because of my extensive pre-game preparations before I headed out to Boston, I was indeed not hung-over. Some may say that this is a glorious turn of events, and other that know me really well might say that drinking excess amounts of Jack Daniels and not having a hang-over may actually be a sign of alcoholism.

Jury’s still out.

I got a call from RPG roughly around 1 something seeing if I wanted to get some lunch. Of course I hadn’t eaten, nor really done anything, so I agreed. He left work a bit early and we rolled to Coolidge Corner Clubhouse. Not going to lie, this was one of my favorite places on the trip to Boston. We enjoyed some jack and cokes in pint glasses, and some delicious huge sandwiches, and then some more Jack and cokes. It was a glorious place. I probably could have stayed there all day and night, but we had things we needed to do.

We headed home and began to do work. And by doing work I mean pouring Jack Daniels into flasks and taking shots before heading to Fenway park. the greatest place on earth. Seriously.

We headed to La Verdad, a bar outside Fenway, to meet up with RPG’s roommate. Probably my favorite sub pot/side story of the whole weekend that I wasn’t really able to exploit much was that RPG’s roommate happens to be moving out near the beginning of September.

I was wondering if any of you remember the theatrical performance Riverdance? You know Michael Flatley who’s feet look as if they are moving independently of his body? Well, as it happens if you thought Riverdance was no more, you my friends are 100% wrong. Riverdance is alive and well AND touring the country come this September. How do I know this you may ask?

Apparently, RPG’s roomate is indeed a dancer in Riverdance! That’s right, lets let that marinate for a bit.

Riverdance. My mind was immediately filled with questions. Have you met Michael Flatley? Can you move up the ranks and become lord of the dance yourself? Are you coming to Portland? What accent do you have? Oh, Australian? Cool.

So let me get this straight. You’re a dancer. You’re Australian. You dance for Riverdance. And I’m the one giving out the gay vibe?!?! Gotta love Boston.

We finished a couple of beers then headed into Fenway for what was going to be a glorious night of baseball. After picking up two bottles of Coke RPG and I found our way to our seats. Upon finding them I couldn’t help but notice that we had gotten seats in the Ted Williams era of Fenway park. You know the time many years ago that man was built like teacup Yorkshire Terriers. Turns out, RPG and I are not built like teacup Yorkshire terriers. We’re men. And were larger than the original designers of Fenway had in mind. We crouched in like sardines only to look down and see the wirey frame of Riverdance sitting comfortably in his seat, all sprawled out enjoying the copious amounts of space allotted to him. Gotta be something said for being a dancer.

The game began as did our drinking of the Jack Daniels. We had both managed to pour our entire flasks into a 1 liter bottle of coke. We sat there and watched as things began to get ugly. The Sox were facing the Yankees from the North in what was a pretty important game. The Yanks jump out to an early lead (like the first couple pitches) and I had thought to myself, maybe I’m going to be in for a long night. I was right.

At one point in the 5th inning I believe, I had finished my Jack and Coke and moved on to beer. The 5th inning had taken so long because we were getting ROCKED. Like bad. I thought maybe I could drown my sorrows in a Fenway Frank (the only hot dog I’ll eat in this world) but to no avail. Nothing was working. The Yankees began pouring on runs and I sat looking on more and more defeated. It was about this point in the game where things took a real turn for the worse. I looked over at RPG and said..
ME: “This is getting really ugly. I’m not sure I can handle much more.”
RPG: “I know. Maybe you shouldn’t come to Fenway anymore.”
ME: “Is it sad that I was just thinking the same thing.”
RPG: “I’m being serious.”
ME: “No, really. I know.”
RPG: “This sucks.”
ME: “Man, fuck this. I’m not going out like this. There will be no mourning. From here on out I’m celebrating this Irish Wake Style!”
RPG: “Fuck.”

(sidebar: I’ve never actually been to an Irish Wake, but on TV they always show people drinking a lot. RPG lived with me through college and had seen me celebrate Irish Wake style many times. I just felt that with America’s foundation being built on some of the Irish’s decisions to immigrate here, I would indeed honor them the best way I knew how. Even if it was stereotypical, and completely false.)

And with my last statement it was indeed “on.” I left my seat for another Fenway Frank, and to procure two more beers. One was in fact for RPG, but unbeknown to me, RPG had also gotten up after me to procure some beers. When I returned to my seat he was nowhere to be found. I focused on my beer for it was my only solace for what was happening on the field. RPG returned with two beers in his hand. Apparently he had gotten the same idea, and gotten another beer for me. So there we were. In our tiny seats. Dropping back beers like our Irish grandma twice removed had just passed. And to be honest. Life was good. We moved down a bit after Fenway had starting clearing up a bit. I told RPG, no matter how bad it got, we weren’t leaving till Sweet Caroline. I flew across this damn country for some all American baseball at one of America’s most beloved ballparks, god dammit, I’m not leaving till I sing Sweet Caroline, sung by none other than one of America’s most beloved artists, Mr. Neil Diamond!


(sidebar again: I was drunk at this point.)
(another sidebar: Not my video. For reason to be explained)

The 8th inning came and went. We left Fenway and it was 18-10 or something god awful. I will say this. Yankee fans sure have become a little more tame in recent years. Years past, I would have been getting an earful from Yankee fans that traveled to Fenway. Not so much. Smart Yankee fans (oxymoron) know that while they may have overall dominance in the world of baseball, we have indeed handed their ass to them for the last 10 years. So, the walk from Fenway to the Cask N’ Flagon was indeed delightful. Aside from not having any booze.

We got inside the Cask, and I proceeded with my declaration of Irish Wake style celebrations. We ordered up 2 more Jack and Cokes, and watched as the sluts made there way inside the bar. Now, typically, this would make me a very happy person. Sluts, jack and coke, and being in Boston. However, while we were at the Cask, they still were showing the last couple bits of the game. Just enough for my poor eyes to witness, another 2 run home run! That was it. Couldn’t take it anymore. Two more Jack and Cokes were ordered and devoured.

It was about this point that I had realized my iPhone battery had died. I figured no big deal. I’ll miss all my friends texting me from their drunken nights back home, and just text them tomorrow. I was excited because I had gotten a number of great pictures, and video of everyone singing Sweet Caroline. Life was good.

At about 2 something am, we decided it was all said and done. We took a cab home to sleep off our depression of losing that last game. We got outta the cab, walked up stairs to RPG’s apartment and began to settle in, when I realized something. I was missing my phone. I searched all 12 of my pockets (I was wearing cargo shorts.) and it was nowhere to be found. I searched high and low beliving that it could be somewhere in the apartment already. No luck. We went outside and searched the area between being dropped off, and the apartment. No luck. The phone was gone. Like Ben Afflecks directorial debut, Gone Baby Gone. (which was also set in Boston. But this was about some kid, not exactly a phone. However, I feel that if anyone had lost an iphone, the feeling is similar right? too far?)

We walked upstairs defeated. Now what happens next depends on who you ask. If you ask me, in my hazy state I went upstairs and passed out in a deep depression. However, if you ask RPG, we went upstairs I grabbed the bottle of Jack and began chugging from the bottle. And then went to bed. Toss up. I’m not sure who to believe.

The rest of the trip was a bit sad. I had lost my iPhone, and we had only been together for 6 days. She was good to me. And so I was sad to have lost her. I’d like to think she found someone who was better than me. A Lawyer, a doctor, maybe even a Red Sox/Celtic, but who knows. It’s difficult to see your life without someone you love. Especially if you think she left you in a cab to be with the driver.

RPG and I killed our day be reliving college and not getting up from the couches for a good 6-8 hours. We rallied after a stunning win by our beloved Red Sox that night, and met up with some more wonderful friends of RPG. The night indeed wasn’t as taxing on my body as the other, but drinks were had, as were laughs and good times. I concluded my Boston trip by flying out 715 am with just enough booze on my breath for the mother with a 3 month old sitting next to me, to give me a dirty look. The look was returned for having a 3 month old sitting next to me. Touche lady.

I made it home safely. Exhausted. Hung over. A bit depressed. But that was one of the greatest vacations I’ve had in a long time. I love me some Boston. I look forward to my next trip.

Until Next Time…

email me
SarcasmAsAWeapon@gmail.com





Irish Wake Style… Pt. 1.

26 08 2009

It had occurred to me that I haven’t written in quite some time. I knew that most of that has been because I haven’t had much to write about. It was also because I knew that I would be headed to the wonderful city of Boston later on this month.

It started on the day of my birthday, where I had won a lottery to buy Red Sox tickets online. I called up my old college roommate RPG, and took the plunge. After literally waiting online in the queue for 45 minutes I was finally in. I had gotten 4 tickets for a Friday night game in August. I was all set.

However, after using my Target credit card, I realized that with my current income it would be difficult to purchase some airfare. So I waited.

I plugged away at the Gym, hoping and trying to find ways to come up with some money. Airfare wasn’t cheap either at the time. At one point, a friend of mine from radio contacted me and asked if I would be interested in a part time gig. I was a bit intrigued and asked for some info. Apparently it was a gig to DJ at a new 18 and up strip club that was being opened up. He mentioned it would have been an extra 200-250 a weekend. I can’t say I actually didn’t contemplate this current career choice. But I stuck with my morals and still kept the streak alive.

So my income was low, and I made an executive decision to buy a plane ticket anyway. And of course, I did it the American way… on credit.

So I was committed. There was no stopping me. I was headed to Boston. The next part of this blog, is dedicated to bringing the truth of these events to light. To expose the myths and rumors of such events. The names have been changed, but, if you know me, this probably won’t matter anyway.

I had decided that in order to enjoy this trip and to eliminate carrying extra electronic devices, I would indeed decided to buy a brand new iPhone 3gs. I had planned on tons of mobile uploads to facebook, and twitter updates, along with new videos, and a photo collection to rival Annie Leibovitz, minus 15 year old slut pictures.

I had gotten up at 5:30 am to board my plane early Thursday morning to make it into Boston early enough to enjoy Happy Hour. I slept for a portion of the plane ride, then delved into the book Bowerman, that JDub had let me borrow. Before I knew it, I was touching down in Boston.

I grabbed my one carry-on bag and bolted out to the pick-up area for RPG to come get me. Now, I had lived on the East Coast for some time, and had known exactly how the summers where out there. However, it had been such a long time since I had been out there that I had forgotten one key element, humidity.

It was a nice 80 something degrees when touching down, but getting outside the terminal I had almost immediately began to sweat. It didn’t help I was wearing my hooded sweatshirt. I was disgusted. I cannot stand being hot, and being hot and sweaty is just down right Devil like.

RPG arrived shortly and I was saved by his blasting air conditioning of his jeep. We drove to his apartment where we quickly started with the festivities. And by festivities I mean drinking.

I had prepared my liver, and other internal organs, by constantly reminding them that they would indeed be under pressure this coming weekend. They knew it was coming, so there would be no excuses during this trip. RPG had put two options for the night on the table. One, we would drive to Gillette Stadium and take in a Patriots game. Two, we go downtown and drink our faces off. I asked him to find out how much it would cost to hit up the Pats game and we’d take it from there. Turns out, the game would be at LEAST 70 bucks for some pre-season games.

It was quickly decided to “fuck that” for 70 bucks was money that could be well spent elsewhere (Read:Booze) So downtown we went. RPG informed we would be meeting up with some of his good buddies from around town. Nothing could prepare me for what was to happen next.

We sat down and got some drinks at a wonderful bar called Rattlesnakes. RPG’s friend B showed up and informed us that his girlfriend JP would be a bit late and that she had a funny story for us.

Initially when I meet new people I hold out a bit, turns out I tend to judge people. And, I generally don’t like new people. However B and JP had a story that made me instant friends for life. They had been walking down the street when they ran into Derek Jeter and Jorge Posada. (For those that don’t know they play for the Yankees.) They were in town early for the game and apparently were walking amongst the common folk of Boston. I would also like to point out they were hand and hand with each other, and Jeter was carrying Posadas Bed, Bath, and Beyond bag. (I may have embellished this part. Creative privileges) Anyway, so they notice Jeter and Posada coming close, and Jeter looks to JP and asks “Hey do you know where the Mandarin Hotel is?” To which my new friend JP looks at him and says, “Like I’d tell you.”

New. Best. Friend.

As I got to know my new two best friends it was revealed to me that not only does JP love to watch 90210 (like me) she also loves my blog (like me. I showed her on my iPhone) but also her and B were in the processes of creating a company that would sell granola clusters. I told them of the hippy-ness that is the Pacific Northwest, especially Oregon, and how that would be an instant hit. Of course, this is not entirely true, because I for one, hate hippies, and I’m not that big a fan of granola. However, I’m a huge fan of Honey Bunches of Oats, and the giant clusters in that cereal and if they are anything like this, consider me sold! You can check the website here… and help out my new best friends!

RPG, JP, B, and I had done some pretty sweet damage at the bar because we were pretty wasted. It was decided we’d make one last stop and call it a night. Apparently some people had jobs the next day and it wasn’t cool to be hung-over. (JP was in the most trouble for not only was she 105 pounds I’m pretty sure she drank her weight in Sangria, Tequilas Shots, and pitchers of margaritas.)

We boarded the T and were on our way to a bar close to home. JP and B said they were along for the ride, and at the very last second they snuck out of the T like Ninjas! It was up to RPG and me to carry on! Apparently JP and B have never been in the Army, because they obviously don’t believe in the motto leave no man behind. It’s cool, keep your jobs.

RPG and I had made it to one last bar. We were about 20 minutes into our second drinks and having a lovely debate that we usually end up having when something strange happened.

Minding our own business, a nice young lady decided to come up and strike up a conversation between her and me. It went a little something like this.

(By the way, she just came up to us and interrupted our conversation)

Girl: So you think you’re hot? (looking directly at me)
Me: Uh, um, like temperature wise, or like attractive?
Girl: Like you think you’re really good looking?
Me: Well, I mean, I don’t think I’m particularly ugly.
Girl: But like you think you’re really hot.
Me: Are we talking overall, or just in this bar?
Girl: In this bar, you think you’re really hot!
Me: Um, I mean, I may give myself top 5. I guess.
Girl: You’re definitely top 2. Top 2 for sure.
Me: Is Tom Brady over there beating me out for number one? (It wasn’t actually Tom Brady; it was indeed some dude wearing a Brady jersey.)
Girl: Hahaha… you’re funny.
Me: Thanks?

And with that she left. That was it.

Until another 20 minutes passed and she made another approach. I figured someone hotter had rolled into the bar and she wanted to tell me that I had been indeed knocked down to number 3, but that wasn’t the case. Turns out, she had an even more important line of questioning.

Girl: So you’re not gay?
Me: Excuse me?
Girl: You’re not gay? You’re straight?
Me: Yeah, I’m straight!
Girl: Oh I just really thought you were gay.
Me: Am I really giving off that big of a “I’m gay” vibe?
Girl: I dunno, I just figured you like really gay.
Me: Wait, so am I still top 2 hottest in the bar?
Girl: Yeah totally!
Me: Nice. I’ll take that.

After RPG had come up from air from laughing so hard, we decided it was probably time to go. We finished up our drinks and made the trek back to RPG’s place for some much needed sleep. Friday, was going to be a long day.

To Be Continued…

Until Next Time

Email me
SarcasmAsAWeapon@gmail.com





Chivalry Is Dead…

4 08 2009

If you’ve been keeping up with me, you’ll have read my last post about putting Olivia Munn into my top 5 list.

I can proudly say that she indeed won the popular vote and has taken her rightful place in my top 5 crushes.

Playboy July Issue

Playboy July Issue

So I can thank all my faithful readers for helping me out on that one.

Now to some other pressing issues.

This past weekend I was lucky enough to attend Big P’s wedding on the Oregon coast. You may remember Big P from I’m Still A Virgin which I wrote a couple weeks back. It was a beautiful wedding with the Pacific Ocean as the backdrop, but more on that later.

I had prepared for this wedding knowing full well that Big P and his wife met at the Best Buy that we all worked at. During this time of employment we all became friends as we were all struggling college students and we all worked for the Man.

I knew that there would be a couple of people attending the wedding from Best Buy, and my secret hope was a couple of them would have been the High School Sluts that ran the cash registers at the front.

Before you go getting all indignant about my previous slut statement, let me give you some background. You see, our hiring manager at the time could easily be explained as a dirty old man that like to surround himself with attractive women. Seeing as I was in college I have no real problem with this theory or this practice. I mean, one can only hang out in computers with computer geeks for so long. So the Cashiers were a welcome change to a huge building filled with Computer Geeks and people who frequented Porn Conventions. Regularly. (I wish I was kidding about this.)

As it turned out most of these high school girls not only had low ambitions, but also lower morals. Bingo!

Now, as I am indeed much older than I was back then, it was my hope that indeed these high school girls would also be older, which would negate the creepy factor of me hitting on them.

In preparations for my weekend I believe I hit an all time low. I was getting ready and gathering all the things I would/could possibly need for this jaunt to the coast including condoms. Better to be safe than a dad. I always say. (no offense to dads.) So in my vain attempt to find some condoms in a Mormon household I began to give up the futile search. Then it dawned on me. I had kept a box of them in a travel bag hidden somewhere in my room.

So I began my search and came across the box tucked away in a safe place. I was delighted. If it came down to it, I would indeed be making smart decisions. (Obviously after I made poor ones.)

And then it hit me….

Upon closer inspection of the condoms I realized that these condoms were expired. A whole entire box (minus two I may or may not have used) expired. This is a depressing feeling. Knowing at one point in my life I thought to myself, “dude, you’re getting tons of sex. You should totally get the box” and then having them finding them years later dusty and unused and having to throw them away because they were expired is quite the depressing realization. There is no greater indication as to how your sex life is going, then having to throw out an entire box of condoms.

It goes to show you guys, never get the box. Never. Get. The. Box.

However, I moved on. I had packed my backs loaded the iPod and made the 2 hour drive out the coast to partake in Big P’s wedding. I wasn’t in the wedding so the need for me to be there early was not necessary. I pulled into my hotel and immediately cranked on the AC. You see, I LOVE a cold hotel room. I mean that. I’m not just trying to say that for some sort of literary symbolism (although now that I mention it, my life is a cold hotel room. Empty, cold, and there is never anything on tv. Son of a bitch) I just really love when my hotel is like 62 degrees. It’s bliss.

I began preparations by pouring myself a Jack Daniels on the rocks. Broke out the ironing board, and decided to take a shower. I’m not sure how many of you know this, but drinking and then immersing yourself in any type of hot water tends to accelerate the drunken process on the way.

In my near drunken state I had a breakdown of sorts. I couldn’t decide whether or not I should wear shoes or flip-flops with my khaki’s, shirt, and tie. I decided to ask my friends on Twitter for a quick response, and was told (by ladies) it was indeed ok to wear flip-flops to a beach wedding. Whew.

I was lucky enough to get a hotel room that was essentially right across the street from the reception hall. This would allow for quite some stumbling to my room a great deal later that night. I walked to the reception hall where the hosts were providing drinks for the guests. One of the guests happened to be my ex-girlfriends best friend from college. She was there as a date of one of the groomsmen, so while he was away fulfilling duties, we hung out and became Date-Non-Date friends.

After sometime we were ushered outside, and boarded a private train that took us up to the beach where the wedding would take place. It was an amazing ride, and Gibbs was on board to show me the exotic locales of the Oregon Coast in which he grew up. It was a lovely trip but one couldn’t help notice that the sun had been quickly replaced by cloud cover and a bit of a chill.

We enjoyed a wonderful ceremony and found ourselves back on the train. The cold air had indeed stuck around, and made a certain girl with a blue low cut dress sitting across from me visibly chilled. Which I noticed. A lot. The same girl, I had noticed came with another nice young lady that was sporting a nice white blazer. It was deduced by me and Date-Non-Date that they were indeed a lesbian couple, to which I leaned over to DND and said, “shouldn’t she offer the lady her jacket? Obviously chivalry is dead in the lesbian community.” DND broke into some chuckles and we both had a great laugh.

For some reason, I couldn’t help but think I knew cute lesbian girl. (the one with the low cute dress not the blazer.) Turns out, she knew Big P from back in his cheerleading Power-Stunting days. It instantly clicked. Big P had met this girl Stunting, and brought her to our house one day. It was after practice and she showed up in our house still sporting her cheerleader uniform.

Anyone who knows me, knows that cheerleaders are somewhat Kryptonite to me. I don’t know what it is. But there she was, abs of steel, cute smile, and a cheerleader outfit. However, she was either just out of high school or still in. Either way, I let that one go as just another cute girl to come and go outta my life.

Until now. We re-connected based on the fact I said I had recognized her and began talking again. (Sidebar: The saying I recognized her was actually me trying to save myself from getting called out on staring at her rack.)
Me: “I knew you looked familiar!”
Cute Assumed Lesbian:” Really?!? I thought you were just staring at my rack.”
Me: “uhhh. Nope. Uh huh. No. Not me. You looked familiar.”
CAL: “uuuh huh. So you weren’t staring at my rack. At all?”
Me: “No. No I don’t think so. Sure it was me?
CAL: “ Yeah, the seats on the train were like 2 feet from each other. It was you.”
Me: “Hmmm…. Doesn’t sound like me.
CAL “Pretty sure you were. Like, I caught you.”
Me: “Shit. Yeah I was. But in my defense, you did look familiar.”
CAL: “That’s what I thought.”

She was indeed still cute, with a beautiful smile. While no longer a cheerleader, she did teach dance at a large studio back home. I finally got drunk enoughthe courage to ask her to dance. She agreed and what I thought was going to be a “clutch and sway” (as she called it.) Turned out to be a lesson on how to Waltz.

At one point, I actually said… “I really enjoy how your talking to me like a kid.” To which she replied, “Oh I’m sorry. Force of habit.” And “You’re doing really good.” With a slight smile and pained look on her face. I know when I’m being lied to. I did my best, and we actually danced for a couple of songs. Meanwhile, Blazer had been sitting at a table playing solitaire on her phone.

The night was coming to and end and CAL had to get going. I even got more drunkgot the courage to ask for her phone number which, she gave me and if we wanted to hang out again. It was a big win for straight guys hitting on Assumed Lesbians that night. I felt I did my team a great service and decided to celebrate with some more drinking. And by drinking I mean Keg stands with the bride. No joke.

We ended the night at some Coastie bar that was playing karaoke. The details here are really pretty fuzzy, so I can’t really give many details. I know Big P had his head down and his eyes closed. Gibbs had left. Date-Non-Date finally got some time to put the moves on her actual date. And I?

Well, I drank whiskey.

The night was good.

The moral of the story is… Just because a cute girl brings another girl wearing a blazer to a wedding, don’t automatically assume she’s a lesbian. For you never know.

And DON’T buy the Box!

Until next time…

Email me
SarcasmAsAWeapon@gmail.com





It Hasn’t Been Laminated…

28 07 2009

Some people call it The List others call it the Top 5 but whatever name it takes it’s the same. It’s been featured on Friends and Entourage and those are just two prime examples that I can think of.

Essentially, the list consists of your top 5 celebrities you would have a free pass to sleep with if you were ever in a relationship. (one most also remember the celebrity must want to sleep with you as well. This is where the list works, and most celebrities do not sleep with the common folk.) Sometimes, the list can function as your top 5 hottest people.

To each person the list varies. It’s a very personal list, and you not need justify your selections on said list. You may need to defend them, however, justification is not necessary. People find all sorts of people attractive for many different reasons. Some like my friend Meagan has a certain TV funny man on her list, that, while not the most attractive man in the world, strikes a chord with her funny bone that no man has done before. Therefore, he is at the top of her list. Sometimes, people add pillars of the attractive people to their list for it’s only the right thing to do. For example Micah, has had Halle Berry as his number one for a number of years. I wonder if I may see the day where she topples from that great pillar of number one-ness. Not that I want to see that day come.

There are some minor rules and other reason a person may make your list. I’ll allow Ross Gellar to illustrate why indeed Isabella Rossalini was omitted in his final 5.

Which brings me to some of the rules I’ve always had. #1. You can’t pick a person you may actually run into. For example, when i worked in Radio, there was always a likelihood that some up and coming, or really famous person was to stop by the studio to promote something. So with that being said, I had to eliminate all music people from my list.

Rule #2. They should be living. I think this is self explanatory.

Rule #3. You must disclose the list with your significant other. Not only that, you may NOT be allowed to argue your significant others list. You must accept it, and move on. Like I said, each persons list is there own. Plus opening a dialogue about people you want to sleep with other than your significant other is important. Honesty is the best policy I believe. Even if your cheating.

There it is. Pretty basic I’d say.

However, my top 5 has been pretty solid for quite some time now. Who are they you may ask…. well…

My Number One For Years

My Number One For Years

She's Got Tattoos. My Mom Hates Tattoos. My mom would not like Ms. Fox. INSTANT attraction.

She's Got Tattoos. My Mom Hates Tattoos. My mom would not like Ms. Fox. INSTANT attraction.

Oh Summer...

Oh Summer...

She's Like my Halle Berry. She'll Always Be In Here. If there was a Mt. Rushmore of Hot Women, she'd be on it.

She's Like my Halle Berry. She'll Always Be In Here. If there was a Mt. Rushmore of Hot Women, she'd be on it.

You may have noticed A.) a pattern for one… and B.) you may have noticed there are only 4. You are not taking crazy pills. My dilemma as of late has been that I think I need to add someone to the list. Number 5 sometimes and often times fluctuates. And this is one of those times.

alg_minka-kelly
My beautiful friend Minka Kelly has recently been linked with Derek Jeter. Seeing as how I am a die hard Sox fan, I’m pretty sure I cannot have this in my top 5. It’s just to crushing to me. With that being said…

I have a new crush, and Wanted to know if you guys think I should put her in my top 5. Ladies and Gentleman, please meet, Olivia Munn

Atari is the Best!

Atari is the Best!

Yup, I'm a Star Wars Geek, and this is Awesome!

Yup, I'm a Star Wars Geek, and this is Awesome!

If you haven’t heard of Olivia Munn, it’s probably because you’re some well to do guy/girl with a real job who has since shunned video games of their youth. Olivia hosts Attack of the Show on the G4 network that revolves around all things, how shall i say… geeky. Video games, movies, comics, gadgets, and geek gear all get talked about with some relative humor and two fantastic hosts. One of course being my prospective addition to the top 5.

I debated on writing this post, because I felt it was really shallow. Then I did some deep introspection, and not only did I find nothing, I realized that I am indeed this shallow. Plus I really wanted to use the poll thing on my blog, and have another excuse to go through Olivia Munn’s blog again.

It’s funny though, because after all this searching and watching videos, I’ve come to realize that Olivia has some pretty amazing qualities outside of some very superficial ones that, lets be honest, are pretty amazing themselves. You see, she’s funny, and caring (animal blog post), was in Playboy (as we all know, my mom won’t like that, and anything my mom doesn’t like is INSTANT attraction. My mother is not a reader though, so I think were good.) and she loves Growing Pains. I too love Growing Pains.

She was also in a kick-ass music video… good lord reminds me of Best Buy days…

I feel like unbeknown to her, we are a perfect match.

So.. anyway…. time to vote people…

Until Next Time…

Email me
SarcasmAsAWeapon@gmail.com





Oh Captain, My Captain…

28 06 2009

Would you believe me if I were to tell you at the ripe ole age of seven, I was watching movies from Francis Ford Coppola?

You’d call bullshit right?

That my friend would be where you are wrong.

You see, many moons ago while I was just a young lad, I often took trips to California to visit my grandparents in San Diego. During most of these trips my grandparents would make sure that my brothers and I had a great time and filled our summer with amazing memories.

We’d often hit up the San Diego Wild Animal Park. Or the San Diego Zoo. One time we were even treated with the opportunity to visit Miramar Marine Base. (It used to be Miramar Naval Base, and the reason that’s cool, and the reason you should care, is because that’s where they filmed Top Gun. Remember the scene where Charlie is dissecting Mavericks flying, and he gets all pissed? Remember that darkened room? Yeah? I was in there. I sat there where Maverick, Goose, Iceman, and Sundown all sat. Aside from my job at the radio station, this is the only time I really namedrop anyone. However, I have since stopped, cause Tom Cruise is a crazy bastard.)

In addition to all those cool activities, my grandparents made sure that we attended Disneyland at least one day while we were on vacation there. Many of my now existing fears and loves are because of these trips to Disneyland.

My love of pirates? Pirates of the Caribbean.

Fear of the Ocean? Captain Nemo’s Submarine ride.

Hatred of the Outdoors and Cold? Matterhorn.

Back in 1986 one of my new loves was just forming. See, music television had just hit the airwaves, and there was one such a gentleman that was ruling them. His name was Michael Jackson. He was great. Billie Jean was the coolest video. Mainly because he had a tiger in it. I had no fucking clue what was going on, but dammit tigers were awesome. I can remember back then that I often attempted to copy the King of Pop. I had a red jacket that I thought rivaled that of MJ. However, mine was a Members Only jacket, and the only zipper was the one down the middle. I felt that even though it lacked that many number of zippers that MJ’s did, being red, it was very much the same.

Much like any kid my age, MJ’s dance moves were legendary. I can remember a rumor flying around school that Tommy had actually done the Moonwalk. I mean the actual Moonwalk. Not just dragging your feet slowly as you walked backwards like so many other kids in school could pull off. (me included.)

Summer rolled around, and it was indeed time to make it to California for the traditional summer vacation trip with my brother. At the beginning this seemed as if it was going to be just another trip to Disneyland. Seeing as there was no internet at the time information on your favorite Pop star was few and far between unless you heard it on the morning show of a radio station your parents didn’t want you listening to under the bed covers in your room. So being 7 years old, I may have missed out on the fact that my favorite Pop star of the time, and all around cool guy, was indeed going to be at Disneyland.

No, not quite in person, turns out that after his 4th nose job (not a stat I’m making up by the way) MJ was working on his new Sci-Fi image and career. Enter….

Captain EO!

For those of you who haven’t seen this piece of work let me fill you in. Disney took the reigns and produced a “state-of-the-art” 3D movie that would be featured in their theme parks. Starring none other than Michael Jackson, and some BAD ASS effects. When you’re 7 people, 3D is amazing. And the glasses are cool. Not only did it star MJ, but Academy Award Nominee Angelica Houston, and directed by Francis Ford Coppola.

No shit. Francis Ford Coppola.

Apparently at the time, not only was it the coolest movie I’d ever seen in my life. It was also the most expensive per minute movie in the entire world.

I feel as if my words in writing this don’t give this cinematic masterpiece it’s due. So with that being said throw on your 3D glasses and enjoy all that is, Captain EO!

and part two

I’m not sure it works, but if you have some 3D glasses I suggest you put them on and enjoy…. Man this brings back so many memories.

I left that day satisfied beyond all belief. My new found musical pop hero was in the coolest movie I had ever seen. I was at Disneyland. And to take home with me I bought the flying little thing as a plush toy…
Captain EO Fuzzball

I can remember seeing Captain EO a couple times over the next couple years. My grandma always sat through it with me, and always complained about the music of the movie. Another Part of Me by MJ became one of my favorite songs of my childhood years.

The good news, I can watch Captain EO on YouTube, and pick up Another Part of Me on iTunes. And even though he may have been clouded by some “extra curricular” activities, I’ve got some fond memories of The King of Pop. He truly was a talented musician.

Plus, everything is so much cooler when your 7.

Until Next Time…

Email me
SarcasmAsAWeapon@gmail.com