How I Lose 10 Bucks Every March…

18 03 2009

Here is my official bracket for this years NCAA Tournament. If I had the money, I’d be wasting it again in a pool with a bunch of friends. However, since I have no job (no office pool) and I have no money, I am basically taking my skills to the internet.

Of course, since nothing is really on the line, this is the year I will win.

And here ya go!

bracket-picks1

Now, I like to enjoy a little fun here and there, so in keeping with tradition I started years ago I have created the “I Like” Bracket picks. These picks are based on me liking things. For example, I may like a team based on my childhood fandom. Or I knew a good friend who went to that school. I may be a diehard fan of that school. Or the girls are rumored to be really hot there. This is how I pick my “I Like” Bracket. It would be much like a girl picking based on mascot, or colors.

side note. This WILL NOT win me anything. But Its fun.
Here it is.
i-like-bracket

Let me break down this for ya…
MIDWEST
Morehead St over Louisville – for obvious reasons. What guy doesn’t like Morehead?? (ps, I’m the same dude in college who bought a S.Carolina Camecocks hat, because it said COCKS on it. I thought that was funny.)

Ohio St. over Siena – just because

Arizona over Utah – I’ve lived in Utah, and not a fan. Plus gotta stay true to my Mormon heritage, and root for BYU. Oh, and Arizona has hotter girls.

Wake over Cleveland St – just because

West Virginia over Dayton – just because

North Dakota St. over Kansas – Cause I hate Kansas.

USC over BC – I love Boston, but USC got a small place in my heart. They filmed Buffy there.

Michigan State over Robert Morris – just because.

ROUND 2.
Morehead over Ohio State – can’t help but giggle.

Zona over Wake – Hot girls.

West Virgina over N.Dakota St. – The mountaineers of this great country all but eliminated Bison from the map. Therefore, WVU.

USC over Michigan State – Battle of the Trojans. (innuendo implied)

Round 3
Morehead over Zona – obviously.

USC over West VirginiaSong girls get me every time.

Midwest ChampMorehead over USC.
Buffy, Song Girls, and other UBER hotness cant compete with Morehead. (not going to lie, that one made me chuckle a bit.)

WEST
UCONN over Chattanooga – this was close, cuase it’s fun to say Cattanooooooga!

BYU over Texas A&M – Mormon roots.

Purdue over N. Iowa – Nothing good came from Iowa except Field of Dreams

Miss. St. over WashingtonTed Bundy was a Huskie. I hate UW. Plus Miss St. are the Bulldogs.

Utah St. over Marqutte – I had an ex girlfriend that went to Utah St. She was a nice girl.

Cornell over Missouri – I just think of Andy from The Office when I think of Cornell now. That’s funny.

Cal over Maryland – I made out with this girl that wen to Maryland once. She was a raging bitch.

Memphis over Cal. St. Northridge – I remember one of the guys from Coach Carter went to Cal. St. Northridge. Wasn’t Ashanti in that? That can’t be very good for your program!

ROUND 2
UCONN over BYU – My Mormon roots only go so far.

Miss State over Purdue – Bulldog thing again.

Cornell over Utah St. – Andy from the Office. (it’s a different one!)

Memphis over Cal – just because.

ROUND 3
UCONN over Miss State – I think this is because my good friend attened UCONN and we have since watched many a UCONN game at Buffalo Wild Wings ( a favorite of mine.)

Cornell over Memphis – Man, this whole Andy thing is giving them quite the run.

WEST CHAMP
UCONN over Cornell – Andy is no match for Wild Wings and Beer. Oh and friends. Not the show, actual people in my life.

EAST
Pitt over East Tennesee – just because

Tennessee over Oklahoma St. – My dad was born in Tennessee

Wisconsin over Florida St. – I hate florida State, and Badgers are badass!

Portland St. over Xavier – no brainer.

UCLA over VCU – Commonwealth just sounds so weak. Like man up and become more. Geez.

American over Villanova – uhhh… I’m American. America, Fuck Ya!

Minnesota over Texas – While Texas has some hot girls, I hate UT with a passion.

Duke over Binghamton – just cause.

ROUND 2
Pitt over Tennessee – the Dad thing only gets you so far.

Portland State over Wisc – Badgers are no match for Vikings.

American over UCLA – There would be no UCLA without America!

DUKE over Minn – Cause I like Duke.

ROUND 3
Portland St over Pitt – Portland is Awesome.

American over Duke“I’m Proud to be an American..”

EAST CHAMPION
Portland St. over American – National Pride only goes so far people. Till it gets obnoxious and gives more reason for the French to hate us.

SOUTH
UNC over Radford – I almost picked Radford so I could use RAD the rest of the way…

Butler over LSU – Bulldogs. Plus purple is for the French

Illinois over Western KentuckyWKU’s mascot freaks me out a bit.

Gonzaga over Akron – Zags have been my team for years now. I’ve been let down many times before, and fear it’ll happen again! But not in the I Like Bracket.

Arizona St over TempleThe Cosby Factor helped Temple, but as we all know, hot girls trump the Cos.

Stephen F. Austin over Syracuse – This is AWESOME! Stone Cold Stephen F. Austin, gives Syracuse the Stone Cold Stunner!

Michigan over Clemson – been a fan of Michigan since I was little… got a Starter jacket to prove it.

Oklahoma over Morgan St. – just because.

ROUND 2
UNC over Butler – I like Carolina Blue.

Gonzaga over Illinois – Bulldogs again. And I hate Orange as a team color.

Arizona St. over STEVE AUSTIN – Steve Austin’s glory days in the WWE were glorious, (espcially when I saw him live in Houston TX at Wrestlemania.) However hot girls turned my head more then WWE. Arizona State takes this one.

Michigan over Oklahoma – I wish the Bball team would incorporate the “wings” like the football team does.

ROUND 3
Gonzaga over UNC – An ex-girlfriend of mine knew Matt Santangelo and others from the sweet 16 Zags team. She got me hooked. Which is cool, cause I got the team in the breakup. Go Zags

Arizona St. over MichiganHot girls go far in my bracket.

SOUTH CHAMP
Gonzaga over Arizona St. – What can I say, I like Bulldogs. And Hot chicks like Bulldogs.

FINAL FOUR
Morehead over UCONN – I like Beer and Wings quite a bit, but there is something I like more…

Gonzaga over Portland St. – Local pride only gets you so far. Go Zags!

CHAMPIONSHIP
Morehead over Gonzaga – Who didn’t see it coming?? I mean really? It’s hilarious. And yes, very immature. But hilarious.

Good luck to all!

Feel free to email…
SarcasmAsAWeapon@gmail.com

Until Next time…

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Mourning…

21 10 2008

It’s true, I’m in mourning. My Red Sox had a valiant comeback from 3 games to 1 to force a game 7 at Tropicana Field. In which they lost.

The big story however is game 5.

I’ve mentioned before that I coach a high school soccer team and that commitment is pretty important to me. I attend all the games and assist the head coach in just about everything. In fact at one point, while our head coach was serving a suspension, I was the interim head coach for a game. We tied. But that’s not important.

That night however, I had a gigantic conflict as the Red Sox, in an elimination game were on tv. Now, mind you, I don’t leave the Sox for just about anything. Almost nothing in fact. Last year, while the Sox were in the World Series, I sat at home while all my friends were out galavanting around in slutty halloween costumes. And for those that know me, missing out on Slut Appreciation Weekend (read: Halloween) is not something I take lightly. Nor is drinking. But however the Sox were on. And I did not leave my couch.

I knew however that I was going to have to leave for my game that night. A decision I did not take lightly. I’m pretty superstitious and knowing that I would be away from my spot while supporting the Sox did not sit well with me.

At the time I left for my game, the Sox were down 5-0. I had to leave. I didn’t want to. But had too. The Sox needed me. I was letting them down, and if they lost, it was all my fault. At the game while warming up my goalkeeper, someone shouted from the side, Coach… Sox down 7-0 in the seventh.

Crushed.

My attention was turned to the game at hand. A must win for my team to have any shot at playoffs. With my rising blood pressure from the Sox, and the fact that we held a narrow, 1-0 lead in the socer game, my heart was taking a beating.

We held on to the lead, and finished with a 1-0 win, and a mighty brighter hope for playoffs. Something that hasn’t been done with our school since 95 I believe. It was a big win. It basically cancelled out the thoughts and feelings I had about the Sox losing. Until I returned home. I had realized that although we had gotten our win, the Red Sox, who I’ve been supporting since I was 8 years old, had lost.

I went to my room to check out my emails, facebook, myspace, and my phone. Upon checking my phone the strangest thing happened. I had 7 new text messages, 5 missed phone calls, and 3 new voice mails. Contrary to popular belief I DO NOT get this many messages, phone call, or voice mails in an entire week, let alone a two hour time span.

I began to read some of the text..

That Papelbon guy is good. Weird why would Paps be in. losing 7-0 why would they have a closer in. odd.
Still breathing. Yeah, why wouldn’t I be… 7-0, no one comes back from 7-0 in the 7th inning.
Well hot damn. Hot damn, what… we were down 7-0 in the 7th inning.
You best be watching!! Well I would like, to, but I’m not sure what you’re all excited about.. it’s 7-0 in the 7th inning.

So at this point, I decided to check ESPN.com… and there it was… the Sox had pulled off the most incredible, improbable comeback of the ALCS history. The Sox had come back from 7-0 in the 7th inning to win the game!

I was in shock, the next couple minutes of my life I actually don’t remember. I tried texting my friends, back but I’m pretty sure it was incoherent nonsense. They came back. They won. They were destined for #3. Of course, we all know what happened. And if you don’t well shame on you. Sox took game 6 and pushed a game 7 which they gallantly lost.

At least now I can go out for Slut Appreciation Weekend. Bonus.

I’ve been in mourning for the last couple of days. It stings, and it hurts. We got beat by a great team. They were good. They ARE good. In fact I think the Rays are so good, that not only will they win the WS, but the Sox got the best scouting report on their 2010 roster.

My life is returning to normal. In fact, in other news, I’ve taken a job working at a large warehouse chain made popular by the movie Employee of the Month. I worked there a long time ago right after high school. So almost ten years ago did I work there. Which turns out was to my benefit because a lot of the same people are STILL there. Amazing. I had to take a drug test so pending the drug test, I’ll be going to orientation on Thursday. Should be interesting.

Orientation, should be interesting. Not the drug test.

For those of you without DirecTV, I have to say you’re missing one of the greatest season of Friday Night Lights. This show is AMAZING. I wish I could give you all sorts of insight, and we could talk about it. Hell, no one I know has DirecTV so I can’t talk about the show without giving things away. It bothers me a lot, because there is a lot I need to discuss with my friends.

Like Lyla Garrity…

photo from Men's Health Magazine

photo from Men's Health Magazine

Sidebar: I’d like it to be known, that Minka Kelly has been knocked out of my top 5 list of hot girls. You see, while she is incredibly hot, Minka has been involved in activities that have lowered her status. Her dropping out of the list reasons are three fold…
#1. She Dated John Mayer.
#2. She’s Dating Derek Jeter.
#3. She was at a University of Texas football game.
(she was actually at the game WITH Derek Jeter… two things that are at the top of my HATE list at the SAME TIME. MINKA WHY?!?!? WHY?!?!)

or is it just me, or is coaches daughter getting a bit hotter?

Getty Images

Getty Images

Last but not least, what guy wouldn’t want to be Tim Riggins?!?! Captain of the SS Ta Ta’s.
(aside from sleeping with your best friends girlfriend, couple days after he was paralyzed… whatever.)

All these burning questions and topics I need to discuss with people.

Speaking of good tv, is anyone else watching Entourage??? It’s been awesome… all I have to say is Ari Gold is back. He’s already had some amazing lines that I’m pretty sure you can find at one of my favorite blog sites… Ari Gold quotes.. check it out. Hilarious.

Oh and How I Met Your Mother has also been great this season. The last episode was hilarious. Watch it here and enjoy….. Shelter Island

The Seattle Mariner comment was HILARIOUS.

Anway, enough from me… if you want to know, or discuss more TV here is what’s on my DVR…
The Hills
How I Met Your Mother
Big Bang Theory
Heroes
Chuck
Friday Night Lights
The Office
Grey’s Anatomy
Entourage

Speaking of Tv, this is one of the best text messages that brightened my week….
I get sick of MTV’s Parental Control and then they throw some lesbians in there and suck me back in.

these are my friends.

SarcasmAsAWeapon@gmail.com

until next time.





Hatred….

26 09 2008

For people close to me, they’ve gotten the impression that I pretty much hate my life right now.

The fact of the matter is… I really do.

THe job hunt is still on, the high school soccer team I coach is underperforming, College football as of this week is all out of whack, and my unemployment ran out this week.

So I’m pretty much shooting 0-4 in the grand scheme of life. But today is the like the perfect storm of hatred for me. I’m still pissed that the OSU Beavers beat USC last night. I’m still pissed that my HS team played like crap last night, and I”m even more pissed that I have to go to an interview for a job I don’t really want.

The job was with a big corporate Gym and I was applying for Membership Counselor. My fisrt interview was yesterday and apparently the nice cute young lady liked me enough to recommend me to her boss.

My interview was at 10:30 am. Which I am totally fine with. I get all dolled up and roll into the place knowing that this is a job I can do, but for the most part, have no desire to do commission based sales. So me and the GM are talking interviewing and I think things are going pretty well. He tells me about leads and such and that you have to generate 15 a day. Here is where things start going down hill.

You see, I hate people. That’s not a statement to be funny. I hate people. I’m not the type of person that we meet and instantaneously were best friends. It just doesn’t happen. I totally judge people. Its a flaw I suppose. I’m not outgoing. I’ve got great friends, and family in this world, I don’t need new ones. You may think were friends, but deep down I have a huge resentment for you and don’t even like you.

So the GM and I are talking and toward the end of the interview, he says to me…

GM: “So what I’m going to have you do is grab a clip board, and go out on the floor and see if you can generate 5 new leads from the people working out.”
Me: “Sounds great!”

At that second it was pretty much over. Done. I don’t want this job. For the most part it goes back to the I Hate People factor. It also stems from a respect factor at a gym. These people are here working out. They have a plan. They’re there at 10:30 am on a mutherfucking Thursday for a reason. And you want me to interrupt their workout to generate leads. No. Way.

This is also the reason, I’ll never pick up on a girl at the gym. If a girl really wanted to get picked up she’d get sauced and roll to the nearest Fraternity party. Otherwise, more than likely she’s there to workout.

So I get one guy to say that his entire office may be looking for some memberships. I’m like sweet. I’ve talked to 90% of the people at the gym and I figure getting an office full of people could be pretty decent. I walk back over to the GM and we basically finish up the interview. As we’re about to wrap up, I notice he keeps asking me about the lead I generated. The office size, what the guy did, etc etc….

He then takes some notes, and KEEPS IT FOR HIMSELF. I was so pissed at this point.

More then likely if the office size is 15 people, and 5 of those people sign up… that GM just raked in a pretty sweet commission based on the lead I generated for him in an interview. That my friends pissed me off.

Anyway… so most of you know I’m a huge fan of College football. Well the College football world was turned upside down again by the Mighty Beavers of OSU upsetting my number one pick USC. With that being said, the next part of this blog shall now be titled…

That’s What She Said…. Enjoy.

The Beavers, and their fans, expected to be penetrated by the Trojans. (1) However this was not the case, as the Beavers mustered enough strength to thwart many attempts of a Trojan entering their backfield. (2) The Beavers decided to go against being spread wide across the field, (3) instead the Beavers opted for a tight inside game.(4) And on this night, the Beavers had enough protection,(5)as Jaquizz couldn’t be contained by any Trojan.(6) They withstood a number of attempts as the Trojans went up-and-down the Beavers turf.(7) After a sloppy Trojan performance, (8) the Beavers discarded them,(9) washed up (10), and looked forward to going down (11) to Utah for some fun.

Hope you enjoyed that.

Here is the rest of my predictions for a weekend of college football.

As we all know they already lost. Which as we all know is bad news for my Ducks. No one likes losing, esp twice in a row. And if the Ducks don’t pick a QB, we’re in for a world of hurt when the Trojans go looking for redemption.


Well, after Georgia made Arizona State it’s dog toy last weekend, I’m thinking they’re taking this momentum thingy and taking it to Alabama. Plus they showed lots of footage of UGA VII. Which is cool, but not nearly as cool as UGA V…


Gators play Ole Miss. Win. Plus, I’m still really high on Athletes that were on MTV. Can’t lose!


They’ve got a bye week this week which is good. Other Heisman candidates will have the opportunity to shine.

(ps, in college we named one of our intramural teams Bye Week. It was awesome. About the third week into games, the director figured out what was going on, and we were 3-0.)


Well BYU has Utah State… and basically that’s a padding of the stats game for Max Hall. Dark Horse for the Heisman. His only knock will come at the end of the season when everyone says…. “Well, who did he play??” Which will be unfair, cause that kid is going to deserve a Heisman.

Well that’s about all the time we have today kids.

As always feel free to email me at
SarcasmAsAWeapon@gmail.com

Go Ducks.

Oh, and Miss E, hope you didn’t take offense to the That’s What She Said Game.

And another sidebar, if you’re a Duck fan, and your new facebook headline says… “i’m a Beaver Believer for one day” or “I’m becoming a Beaver after last night.”
A.) If you graduated your diploma should be taken away.
B.) If you haven’t graduated stay in school cause you’re still stupid.





Rat Tails, More College Football, and a Half Assed Apology….

17 09 2008

Sometimes, as I sit down to write, I think that people who read this blog are bummed when I haven’t written for awhile. In fact secretly I hope this. I hope that in their first 25-30 minutes of work they turn on their computer open their favorites, select Perez Hilton, Gmail, Facebook, MySpace, and maybe some ESPN, or special site, then they click on over to Sarcasm As A Weapon. Only to get their hopes up to see I haven’t posted in sometime.

Sometimes, I’m disappointed in myself. I’m not mad. I’m just disappointed. Which as we all know as being a kid, or having kids, is WAAAAY worse than actually being mad. So I’m disappointed in myself.*

Half the time I have so many ideas running through my head I think I should just do a Live Blog of my life. Although, taking the University of Oregon to it’s second NCAA 09′ National Championship on the PlayStation 3 doesn’t lend to much excitement on the internet. See… I just told you what I did and I”m pretty sure you’re not that excited. So the Live Blog of my day surely has some kinks to work out. But my mind does race most the time. I’m always watching something or experiencing something that I want/need to write about.

For those of you who are a continuous reader of this fine work of well crafted thoughts and opinions, you well already be in the know, about my lack of a job. Well boys and girls, I can say that I have been very diligent lately in trying to find a job. Which leads me to an experience unlike any other that I had to write about.

I had recently applied online for a job working in a insurance company that shall remain nameless. I was quickly contacted by someone in HR from said company. She called to inform me that the position I applied for was no longer available, but they had some openings for another position that was closely related. She asked if I would be interested and told me to go to the company website and begin the process of applying online. I said thanks I’ll do that right away. She then asked if was going to attend the job fair that this company had set up later in the week. I informed her that I was not aware of the job fair, but yes I would be in attendance.

As the day of the job fair was upon me, I cut my hair, ironed my clothes and actually showered and shaved. Which normally is a stretch for me on a regular day. That’s besides the point. Anyway, so I’m looking damn fine if I do say so myself knowing that there could possibly be an interview if I do good enough. So the bar had been raised.

Upon arriving I realize that….
1.) I’m the best dressed person in the room. ( I’m not exaggerating nor embellishing, nor trying to be cocky. I really was.
2.) I was actually overdressed.

My top five favorite outfits of the day…..
#5.) Ill fitting black blazer, dark blue dress pants, and brown shoes. Not that bad really.
#4.) Target short sleeved button up shirt, cargo pants, and a pair of airwalk/vans.
#3.) Jean Capri’s, black tank top, and sweet ass dragon tattoo on the shoulder.
#2.) Black ill fitting suit, with non matching muscle t-shirt underneath. (ps, dude should not have been wearing said muscle shirt. For any reason.)
#1.) Cargo pants, polo, some athletic shoes, and a bitchen rat tail that probably went down to the C3 Vertebrae.

I knew as I looked around the room, that I probably had the upper hand in some things. Looking professional… all me.

So needless to say my confidence was boosted based on my surroundings.
(ps for those who don’t know me, I like to win. A lot. So while at the job fair, I literally told myself in my head, looking professional… me. 1. other people. 0. I win.)

I kept looking around the room watching certain people being questioned by members of the HR team. As I perused the potential interviewers I selected a couple people I felt my chances would be better with. The gay gentleman and the middle aged woman with no ring on the finger. I figure, shit, if I look this good ( and by that I mean better than everyone else) it might as well not go to waste right? So I’m a little superficial, and at this point in my job search, I’ll take every opportunity I can.

As it came around I was not awarded with the gay guy, nor the middle aged woman. It was in fact a guy about my age. Damn. We went off to another part of the building. Did a very quick interview, and said, we’ve got some tests if you’d like to take them now. I agreed and off to another room were I took a typing test and some sort of customer service simulation.

I’m not going to lie. I was acing this whole thing. My typing was awesome. My simulation was DOOOPPPE! So things were looking up. There were a lot of people taking the test so needless to say there was a bit of a back up while people waited to take the test. As another HR person came and got me and told me the results of my simulation, she ushered me back to the room where people were waiting to take their test.

And then there it was…. I was completely deflated. All my posturing. All my confidence. All my dressing up, was completely 100% a waste of time.

There sitting in the chairs waiting to take their tests, were Rat Tail and Muscle shirt boy.

I realized at that point, it was a gigantic hiring fair. The bright side is, I did score an interview.

So there is the update on my working life. Some other possibilities have come up… we shall see.
If you’re not a fan of my sports… you can tune out now… I’m going to talk a little college football.

Time to check in on my top 5.
#1
The USC Trojan stayed atop my top 5 rankings by laying waste to Ohio State. Matt Sanchez and company showed the nation, the BCS, and the Big Ten just how much Ohio State sucks. Which scares me, because more then likely the Buckeyes are going to win the Big Ten and head to the Rose Bowl. Lame.
#2
Not impressed. New UGA, get them to pull their heads out…. they’ll need a lot more than what they showed on Sat to win the SEC.
#3
Bye week for Two-A-Days Tim Tebow.
#4
Chase Daniles, and Jeremy Maclin? Really good. Big 12 on the upswing? Could be.
#5
Dear UCLA,
Max Hall is good. 7 Touchdowns good. Rick Newscandal is not.
Seriously folk, I ate this up. This win was AMAZING. I sent a text to about 5 friends. By the time I had responded back to most of them the first time, BYU had scored 3 touchdowns. It was awesome. I giggled watching those Mormon boys whoop up on Newscandal. Those Cougar football players played so well they could pull large amounts of ass…. I’m talking boy band ass.

If they could.

So in my spare time, I’ve been the assistant/goalkeeper coach at my High School Alma Mater/Matter? eh.

It’s been a TON of fun and a lot of stress. These boys think of some of the most inappropriate/funny things ever. I’ve decided to compile a list of things they say, then hopefully get a blog out of their quotes. Could be pretty interesting for one, and for sure will be offensive. Look for that bad boy in a bit.

Oh as a sidebar, I’m missing disc 6 of the first season of the OC.. If anyone knows where I could get it without purchasing the whole set I would be eternally grateful. Missing out on Caleb proposing to Julie, Anna leaving, (made me very sad) and Julie sleeping with Luke, bums me out.

Last but not least, speaking of TV, look for September 22nd to be the perfect storm of new Television.

As always feel free to email at…
SarcasmAsAWeapon@gmail.com

until next time….


*The above two paragraphs were meant to be an apology to my loyal readers. Albeit half assed.





90210, College Football, and Something For the Employed….

3 09 2008

Well, first things first.

This is for my friends at work. I know sometimes your days get boring, but what better way to brighten your day than to play some rock bandish games.

Rock Band
Get to Rockin my friends!

As many of you may know, college football has started this past weekend. I for one, LOVE college football. My general fall schedule consists of having soccer practice every Saturday morning at 8 am. From there I usually head home and find a comfortable spot on the couch. Then I turn on college football for the next 8-10 hours.

Generally I get up for bathroom breaks and food. People call and text to do stuff during college football. If they’re lucky I answer the phone. I will respond to a lot of texts cause that’s my thing. Sometimes even updating my friends on the shitty team they have. i.e University of Washington this past weekend.

With that being said, here is my unofficial College Football Poll.
#1
After watching their game this weekend I’m convinced they are completely legit. Yowzers that defense is fast.
#2
They play in a “pretty tough” conference. So that says something. If they win out, they’ll be in the National Championship game. Plus they got a new UGA.
#3
Ever since Tim Tebow was on Two-A-Days on MTV I knew he was destined to do great things. Plus you can’t underestimate a Heisman winning quarterback that spends his Spring Break in the Philippines instead of Cancun.
#4
In case you haven’t heard, Chase Daniels is kinda good.
#5
Here’s the thing. I had to pick a team that many people aren’t. Think about this. BYU plays in probably one of the weakest leagues in the nation. Max Hall dropped almost 500 yards on N. Iowa this past weekend and if they win out, that’s undefeated and a garunteed top 5 finish. Which may send you to a bowl game to face the likes of Georgia which may turn out ok…. Ask Hawaii.

With all this being said, University of Oregon is my team of all teams. I root for them over all other teams. Go Ducks. And Jake Locker should stick to baseball.

So I’m pretty sure this may be what some people are waiting for…..

I finally caught the new 90210….

AND OH LORD I LOVE IT!!!!!

First things first… HOW EFFING HOT ARE THE NEW GIRLS! I mean seriously. Back in the day, I loved me some West Beverly drama, but there was only one girl that stood out. And that my friends was obviously Kelly Taylor. So my first job is to pick my favorite girl. I started out with thinking that I was going to fall for Naomi. I first saw Naomi when she was on Nip/Tuck playing Eden. If anyone wants to do some YouTube”ing” and look up Eden on Nip/Tuck you’ll know why.

However, I’m really kinda digging Annie. I’m not sure what it is. But for the first two episodes, Annie is my leader for hot girl of the show.

Speaking of hot, I couldn’t help but find Erin Silver kinda hot. Which actually left me with a little icky feeling. You see, for some rookies to 90210, Erin Silver came as a result of David Silver’s dad Kelly Taylor’s mom doing the nasty in Mr. Silvers dentist chair. Oh wait, that was a dental assistant. So I was around when little Erin Silver was born. I was around when little Erin Silver was used as the excuse for Kelly to stay home for the summer. I was around when little Erin Silver was the excuse for Dylan McKay to hang out with Kelly Taylor while Brenda was off galavanting around Europe.

Basically I’ve seen Erin Silver grow up… and OH MY has she grown up! Icky feeling again…

I like the story line of the new family coming from Kansas with the adopted black son. I mean heaven forbid we actually have an African American family living in Beverly Hills. Of course we all know that African Americans do not attend West Beverly high, unless their dad’s a janitor at WBHS and they’re on academic scholarship and Brandon accuses said African American student of only being there to play basketball. (Which reminds us people that stereotyping is bad. Which reminds me, I do miss the social messages that the old 90210 used to give us.) No, people, African American students go to Crenshaw and only appear at WBHS when they’re trying to squash a race beef and get the big game going on Friday.

I’m not going to lie. The new 90210 was a bit over the top. But I kinda enjoyed it. The bj in the parking lot was pretty much awesome. But I have to ask myself, who are these girls, and where were they when I went to high school.

I enjoyed seeing Kelly Taylor back on 90210. Not going to lie, she looks good. In fact one of my favorite parts was in the office and having her say “yowzers.” I don’t know about you, but I could hear Ms. Taylor say that ALL DAY! Yowzers!

I didn’t like the introduction of Lacrosse to WBHS. As long time fans of 90210 will all know sports are ONLY to be used for these few cases….
#1. The students are all building a parade float. Only to have it be burned down.
#2. WBHS has some “big game” coming up. (usually to be followed by racial tension or floats burning down.)
#3. The track team decides to do Steriods.
#4. One of the track guys decides to be gay.

This friends is what sports are for on 90210. Please stick to the above guidelines for future episodes.

Overall, I feel as if the new 90210 can carry on. I enjoyed it greatly. It’s now set on my TiVo and I’ll be eager to watch it every week. For those of you with any feedback, please hit me up…

sarcasmasaweapon@gmail.com

Until next time.





Memorable Memorial

29 05 2008

First things first.

I saw Indiana Jones, twice. And I thought it was great. There are some people out there who are going to say, it sucked. It was cheesy. It had too many special effects. Harrison Ford “mailed it in.”

Well I say go eff yourself!

I don’t really mean that.

wait.

Yes I do.

For those of you old enough to have seen any of the previous three Indy movies in the theaters, then this one is going to bring back all the fun you had the first time. Right down to the theme music at the very end. I’m not going to say it was the best out of the 4… cause it wasn’t. But it was fun and I liked it. So go out and see Indiana Jones. It’s fun and it’s a great summer popcorn movie. No more no less.

I may even be excited if Shia Lebouf takes on the role as the new Indy, I mean his name is Henry Jones the 3rd. nice…..

Now that I’ve got Indy out of the way, it’s time to talk about how much booze I consumed over the past couple of days. Normally I’ve been sticking to my workout regime and by that I mean cutting back on the numbers of days I tend to drink. I’ve waned it down from a solid 5 outta 7 days, to a solid 1 maybe two a week. With that being said, I’ll have it be known, that just because my days of drinking have diminished, my intake has not.

This however was not the case this past weekend. My good friend Leeds rolled into town from China. Yup, China. And nope, he’s not Chinese. He’s not even Asian. Just a good old white boy from Oregon who’s job has taken him to China. Leeds and I attended the same high school. We’ve known each other for a couple years. He’s been gone a couple of years, so when he comes to town we usually try to drink till we can’t stand celebrate.

In past years, some of the festivities have included, me standing on a chair and challenging someone to a fight, Leeds singing the Ricky Martin classic “She Bangs” to some random cougars, and the biggest celebration ended by Stampy driving me home and me puking in the front lawn of my parents house. Class 24/7 folks.

So this year was unlike no other… we proceeded to our favorite Irish bar and got some dinner and proceeded to drink ourselves silly. And by silly I mean drunk off our asses. Go us. It was a celebration unlike any other. Stampy bought some wonderful shots for these two ladies who proceed to a.) treat him like he may have leprosy and b.) believe he may have roofied both the shots. (I would have gladly taken both the shots to prove that neither of the shots had been roofied, but I’m pretty sure that would have completely defeated the purpose of buying shots for women. Jury’s still out.)

All in all I believe there were a total of 8 rounds of drinks. Sadly there were no renditions of She Bangs, however there was a rousing version of Sweet Caroline that we felt necessary to back up the band. All in all a good night. Leeds went back to China this Monday with some great memories, and some equally fuzzy ones.

We got together with some other friends the next night, and again the booze flowed. Had a great time discussing my latest idea of “NapNation”®

Picture this, you’re at work, and you get off at 5:00 yet you were planning on meeting friends, at 7:30 to get drinks/see a movie whatever. You are thinking, home is too far away to drive home, and you really don’t want to stay late at work. You’re exhausted and you could really use a nap…. This is where NapNation® comes in!

NapNation® is where you could stop by and rent a bed/room for a pretty decent rate. The room would be filled with all sorts of magical relaxing agents to help you get a decent little nap in before meeting up with your friends. And trust me, most of my friends have asked me many a questions about the logistics of NapNation® and I am here to inform you I’ve thought about many of them. Please hold all your questions till the end.

Anyway, I’m basically just saying this to prove that I have wonderful ideas when I’m drunk.

So finally the end of Memorial Day came with a wonderful trip up to Seattle to see the Red Sox take on the Mariners. I would like to say that this trip was without booze, but that would be blasphemy against the great American tradition of beer, baseball, and processed cheese. For the most part the weekend was pretty tame and walking around a sunny Seattle was a pretty great treat, considering Seattle has like 4 sunny days a year. I’m pretty happy that I got to witness at least one of them.

Jdub and I ventured down to the Pyramid Brewery about 2 hours before game time to catch the Celtics v Pistons on TV and drink some overpriced beer. Well, the inside of the bar was extremely packed. It was basically standing room only…. and it was packed with Sox fans. Which was awesome. Nothing like outnumbering the home teams fans at their own ballpark and bars. It was like the 18th street Vatos rolling into the 12th street Dragons yet all the Dragons had something more important to do then defend their turf.

So there we were minding our own business taking in the sights of the bar. We were quickly surrounded by some very interesting characters. The first two were a lesbian couple oddly enough from Portland. Next, was the fruit vendor, the 6’4 firefighter, and his buddy…

Now if this group already sounds hilarious, it was. It was the perfect group for our own reality show. Somehow we all became aquatinted and once the booze started flowing things became a little more funny. First was the fruit vendor. It was a sad little story watching him trying to run game on one of the lesbian women. And he would give up either. He kept trying and trying, almost pretending as if he didn’t hear her say…. “I’m not any good at sucking.” “I’m a lesbian.” “Me and My girlfriend….” All of these were direct quotes, and all of these did nothing to deter our friend the fruit vendor.

Speaking of the fruit vendor, at one point our friend the 6’4 firefighter asked us all… anyone from the east coast?? To which most of us replied no, I mentioned that I had lived in Londonderry New Hampshire, but other than me the only one to respond was the fruit vendor. To which he replied in “an outta nowhere” Boston accent, that he was indeed from some east coast town. (I can’t honestly remember which one, for the shock and awe of the accent rendered me speechless and deaf.)

Literally after about a hour and a half fruit vendor was still running game on Lesbian number one. It was mighty impressive the determination on this guy. At one point we found out that the two lesbians actually were from the same area as Jdub and I. After a little more conversation, we found out that Lesbian number two is actually a cop with Jdubs ex-boyfriend… More hilarity ensued over the making fun of how dorky Jdubs ex-bf was, but even more hilarity ensued when lesbian number one proceeded to get very very intoxicated.

At one point someone joined the group late and brought some girl along with him. To start they weren’t very talkative, and well lesbian number one took a great exception to this. At one point, she looked over at Jdub and I and exclaimed (and not quietly mind you) “that girl he brought, she’s like the fucking ice queen.” To which I laughed and brought up the scene from Saving Silverman. The one with the graph chart of how much fun was had….
“Before Ice queen joined the group, we were at an all time high of fun. 98%. After ice queen showed up we were at an all time low in fun. Zero fun.”

As we all discussed what we did, and what made us awesome (other than being sox fans) lesbian number one shouted, to the 6’4 firefighter… “fuck you’re like the coolest person here, you run into burning buildings, my girlfriend gets shot at with real bullets, this dudes a fruit vendor, and I sling coffee at starbucks. What the fuck do you two do?”

(at this point I must interject another little story about Fruit vendor. Remember when we were talking about the east coast and his Boston accent magically appeared? Right, well right at the point lesbian number one mentioned he was a fruit vendor, he turned to the group to proclaim… “it’s very profitable situation.” To which I couldn’t help but notice, muther fucking fruit vendor NOW has a lisp? Holy hell….)

I mentioned I worked in radio which was met with awe, and Jdub replied something about events etc etc and being awesome. Lesbian one was impressed. We had made it to coolness in the eyes of a drunken lesbian. Life goal completed.

After two hours of drinking, and endless running game we decided to part ways from the group. We all said our goodbyes and good lucks to the Sox.

More beers were had at the game and the Sox went on to win 5-3. It was a great night for baseball and a great trip to be had. I’m not sure if JDub has heard from her ex-bf yet, but I’m pretty sure there is going to be some sort of mention. I mean those lesbians were funny.

Which brings me to the moral of this story….

beer, baseball, and processed cheese has the power to bring us all together. As fans. As Humans. And as a Nation. God Bless America.

and lesbians.





Kentucky, Tequila…..

4 05 2008

So as we all know television on Saturdays for the most part really sucks. A lot of re-runs, a lot of stupid sports most people have never heard of, and more than likely The Goonies, Roadhouse, or Back to the Future are on some channel.

(I”m pretty positive that those three movies have contracts with all the networks in the world to continue to play those movies over and over again. Not that I’m complaining, I happen to love the Goonies, and I’m not going to lie, I can’t pass up watching Roadhouse every time it’s on TV. There is just something about Patrick Swayze carrying around his own medical history every time he gets in a bar fight. Which if you’ve seen the movie is roughly every 10 minutes, when Swayze isn’t having sex, being zen, or training. Plus there is a dope scene with a polar bear.)

Anyway, sorry for that tangent. My point is, this past Saturday I was channel surfing through the channels. I happened to catch Tila Tequila’s reality show, A Shot of Love 2. I’m not going to lie. I totally watched the first season. In secret of course. Part of the reason I think was because it was a even bigger train wreck than Rock of Love. Which as everyone knows is pretty hard to top. So I’m watching Tila, which for the record, I can’t figure out why she’s famous, or why she has her own show.

I happen to think that a camera crew following me and some of my friends around on any given theme party, a random weekend, or a Thirsty Thursday would provide tons and tons of material for people to enjoy for at least a 12 episode arc. Plus if MTV’s needed another reality dating show, I’m pretty sure we can totally rig something. Because it seems to me the formula for any MTV (or any dating show) consists of Alcohol, loose women, and ignorant dudes. (Also the formula for the Real World.)

So while I’m cursing myself in my head for actually watching the show I came across this fine little realization…..
This my friends is Sibrina.

Every year because I live so far from Fenway Park, I make it a priority to see some Sox games close to home. I live in the pacific northwest so the closest place for me to take in a game is in beautiful Seattle WA, and Safeco Field. On my last visit to Safeco Field to see the mighty Red Sox, my friend and I decided to meet up with one of my friends who I used to work with in radio. He usually hosted a club night and told us we could get in free. This sounded like the perfect idea. Night out the day before the game, free entrance to the club, and a quick cab ride to the venue.

We got to the club and it really could only be explained as a Coyote Ugly type bar. Chicks were tough, but hot, whiskey flowed like the salmon of Capistrano, American flags here and there, and of course a mechanical bull. They have these girls who walk around with little “beakers” for shot glasses and they’re like a dollar (or 10 but at some point I lost track.) So I’m not going to lie… I may have had 5-6 little shots pair that with 5-6 actual Jack and Cokes (and half a bottle at the hotel.)

Needless to say I was drunk. We spent the time drinking and having fun. It was a good night. The girls are trained in being teases and they do it well. I can only hope that some of my money went to help them with their college education. At one point while with my buddy one of the girls caught my eye… and it just so happened to be the mechanical bull operator! While I was my usual drunk self and didn’t introduce myself, or even say to many words to her, my good friend was competent enough to get this picture….

That’s right boys and girls, that is me in the picture, and that is indeed Sibrina from Shot of Love 2. Obviously she is my front runner to be the winner of Shot of Love but I may be biased. Turns out while watching the episode Tila and Sibrina totally make out, a lot. I’m not sure what was worse in this world…. knowing that Sibrina likes chicks, or the fact that Tila Tequila and I have the same taste in women.

After my daunting self realization I decided to change the channel. I really couldn’t find much to watch, so I settled on the Kentucky Derby. Or what I thought was the Kentucky Derby. It was in fact the Kentucky Derby Pre Show.

WTF????

A Kentucky Derby Pre Show? Who the fuck thought this was a good idea? The race itself last 2 minutes. The pre show was an 2 HOURS before the actual race took place. At first I couldn’t believe what I was watching. I mean, I was actually watching the red carpet to the Kentucky Derby. There was Billy Bush interviewing “celebrities” as they walked down the red carpet. Asking them who they’re betting for, and actually just making awkward conversation. My favorite probably could have been the interaction between Billy Bush and Michael Strahan. See if you can google it.

One of the two best were Bo Derek, and Molly Simms. Wow did Molly look hot and where has she been lately. Its as if the modeling world is missing a superhero. And who knew that she was from Kentucky. So her and Ashley Judd are about the only two redeeming qualities of Kentucky. Aside from Bourbon. (and NO Kentucky basketball does not count for any type of redeeming quality.)

While former models entertained me, there was one part that stood out from the rest. You see, there is no other sport in the World that makes the attendees realize their actual place in the grand scheme of things. I mean really, the huge separation of the people with money, who sit in the Grandstands, and the po’ folk, who reside in the Infield. (Allegedly the infield is 10 times more fun than any stuffy grandstand with stupid hats.) My favorite part was when the cut to “millionaires row.” Really?!? They have a millionaires row? Where only millionaires can go? How effed up is that? But what caught my attention, was when they interview Terrel Owen in millionaires row.

You know when colleges send out their promotional pamphlets and such trying to get you to apply for thier college. Well little known fact there is a lot of thought that goes into those pamphlets. Like just exactly how many different ethnic groups are represented in any given photo. Let’s just say that the people who put that much thought into those types of photos were obviously not around for the arrangement of this particular interview. I couldn’t help but laugh seeing TO in front of the camera, with nothing but a sea of white (old) people in the background. Turns out, millionaires row is rolling in old money. I found it a tad humorous.

I’ve never really thought of Kentucky as a really progressive, forward thinking state, but allegedly I”m totally wrong. Apparently in the forming of a pre show, someone thought it would be a “fabulous” idea to have two gay guys determine the winner of the Kentucky Derby based on what the jockeys would be wearing. Here I was thinking Kentucky was a Red State.
“Yes’ Kent, this looks like a fabulous racing silk.”
“Bob I totally agree, I’m going to pick this jockey for the light blue, yellow polka dotted top.”
“I’m going to have to agree Kent, but I’m going to pick the jockey who’s wearing this green and pink top..”

It was hilarious. It was awkward. And dammit I loved every second of it. Of course neither of the riders won, and who thought they would have. That’s like picking your march madness bracket on the color of the uniforms. Never works.

at the end of the day, after Big Brown won the race, and Eight Belles had been put down, I really only had one thought about the Kentucky Derby…..

I wonder if I could pull off the Seersucker Suit?