Dirty 30 Gossip…

3 02 2009

It’s inevitable, and there is no way I could have stopped it. I tried.

I started giving myself a years head start. But to no avail.

I turned 30 this past weekend. The day after the Super Bowl, to which I’m blaming my aching body, not the fact that I am “old.” The aching might also have to do with the fact that 4 or 5 games of beer pong, may just be too many for a Sunday evening. Then I realized I have no job, or any real responsibility so why the hell not! Bring on the beer pong.

It was the next morning when I realized, I have no job, or real responsibility and I am now 30. I feel as if the only way one can really get away with that in this world is if they are a professional snowboarder/skateboarder/or former cast member of the Real World. And seeing as how my attempts at being a skateboarder ended at the tender age of 9 with a broken wrist, I don’t think I can claim professional skateboarder.

I’ve never really made a big deal of my birthday. I think it stems from having a gigantic family in which remembering a birthday let alone making a big deal of it, is a huge feat. It may also stem from the fact that I’m a male and in being one of those, events/details/anniversaries are widely forgotten.

This weekend was no different. (not the forgetting part, the actual making a big deal)

I would have thought that creeping close to 30 I would have let go of things that may not be targeted quite to my demographic. For example, it’s been well documented that I do love me some reality TV, and The Hills, 90210, and even the OC here and there. So, in the course of being male and forgetting small details, I had forgotten I have a pension for tv dramas that may be targeted at the 18-25 year old female demographic and decided to pop in season one of Gossip Girl.

Bad mistake my friend. Bad mistake. I had been told that in fact I would enjoy the show based on this premise.
#1. Hot girls. Check
#2. Good Music. Check
#3. And something else, I forgot. Check.

You see little did I know but you blend all of these factors together and you’ve got me hooked. I started disc one late saturday night, and finally finished mid evening on monday. Yes friends that was 20 hours of Gossip Girl watching in a weekend of Super Bowls and Birthday haircutsfestivities.

The obsession began with Serena van der Woodsen… aka Blake Lively.

 

hellllllooooo!

hellllllooooo!

(ps, now I know this picture is ridonkulously photoshopped making her look like a porn star  a little fake, but it’s one of the hottest ones. I mean, mens button up shirt. Skirt. Tie. Thats a win in my book.)

While she is quite the filly, there are moments where Im not sure she’s hot. And then she is. And then she’s not. And then she is. Basically she plays yo-yo with the hot/not hot line, and slightly leaning staying on the hot side. I believe her incredibly preppy outfits she rocks on an episode to episode basis remind me of a J.Crew add, which lets be honest, who doesn’t love J.Crew. 

Plus Blake was also in Sisterhood of the Traveling pants, and I’ve been racking my brain trying to figure out a joke about Blake and my pants, but I keep coming up empty. 

After becoming smitten with Serena van der Woodsen I couldn’t help but notice relatively new commer Taylor Momsen. 
taylormomsen

Upon further review, (and a diligent search on IMDB.com) I’ve come to the conclusion Taylor is not quite of age for me to be macking on. In fact, based on some loose math and the laws of gestation, I’m pretty sure that if I had gotten a girl pregnant in high school* I could in fact have a daughter the age of Taylor. Which is sad, because now I’m that creepy guy. Which I could have totally gotten away with in my 20’s. However seeing as how I’m now 30, this is totally creepy and now I’m a creepy old man. 

Damn you age!

Lastly, is Jessica Szohr, who plays some hot girl interested in some douche bag. Standard MO for this type of show. 

Hiiiiii cute girl! (Photo by Andrew H. Walker/Getty Images)

Hiiiiii cute girl! (Photo by Andrew H. Walker/Getty Images)

Anyway, this foxy lil lady has appeared on such high quality shows such as What About Brian? Which leads me to ask, what about Jessica. No way that show should have focused on anyone but Jessica here. I mean, look at her. Honestly.

 

So that’s been my obsession for the weekend. I even looked at Target.com to figure out if they had Season 2 on DVD yet. Apparently, season 2 is on the CW every Monday night. But had they, I would have made a trip down to Target just to pick up season 2 and some hair stuff. I need some new hair stuff, because I got a new hair cut at one of those “man spas” HairM. 

I don’t usually pay for haircuts, I usually take a set of clippers attach the number 2, and BAM! But in this rare instance I decided to hop on down to HairM and get not only a great hair cut (thanks short little asian lady with huge white clown shoes) but got a great scalp massage and beer. You see, I love the scalp massage. I’ve been to HairM three times, and all three times I have passed out asleep whilst getting said scalp massage. It’s glorious ladies, seriously. You should all take classes in how to do this so that you  when it comes down to it, you can help end world wars with a simple massage. 

The best part of this adventure to HairM was actually the day before at our Superbowl party where the discussion of frequenting an establishment such as HairM may be akin to frequenting a whore house. 

Me: So I’m getting my hair cut tomorrow at HairM
Friend: (suspiciously) Really?
Me: (picking up on said suspicion) Yeah, why?
Friend: Do they wax your balls there?
Me: (in shock) Well, I, mean, I haven’t exactly memorized all the services provided….. but…..
Friend: Well I was just under the impression that’s what they did there.
Me: Well I’ve only been a couple times, so I”m not  exac…. wait,  WHAT MAN GETS THIER BALLS WAXED?
Friend: (laughing hysterically) I dunno, just figured Guys did that and thats the place it would get done. 
Me: NO!! NO. NO NO. NO. NO NO NO NO. Nope.
Friend: (giggles)
Me: Seriously, I can’t imagine that being a service anywhere aside from International super spys.
Friend: Just figured that would be something that went down there.
Me: Are you implying it’s a whorehouse?
Friend: Well, maybe.
Me: Well, for your benefit, I’ll make sure to ask in between hair cut and head scalp I’ll slip in a little, “hey can I get my balls waxed?”
Friend: Why thank you.

So, as I sat their in my chair, I contemplated for a short second asking if HairM services include Ball waxing. Then I realized, what if they did. Then she would think I would be willing to get one. And I’m just telling you this one thing. No man should ever want his balls waxed. EVER.

Plus depending on the girl, that may be considered a pick up line.

But, of course to conclude my 30 birthday festivities my little clown shoed asian stylist stopped near the end of my cut to mention,

“you’ve got some hair on your ears, I’m going to shave it off. And one long one.” 

Thank you. Thank you very much for reminding me that my new faux hawk haircut cannot halt the slamming realization that I am indeed 30. 

Boo Yah Twenties. We had a good run. 

 

*This of course was not at all possible in high school, for I was not cool enough to be having sex. However, I was cool enough to be 5th in line at the movie theater when Star Wars was re-released. Yup. I am that awesome. Who knew that I was this cool BEFORE the blog.

As always email at
SaracasmAsAWeapon@gmail.com

Until next time….





Because It’s Normal To Have 25 Girls Want You At The Same Time…

10 01 2009

My friends, just like the title suggests, for any real man in this world, there is never, and I repeat NEVER a time in which 25 women want you at the same time. It just doesn’t happen. Celebrities, athletes, CEOs, Rock Stars, News Anchors, and former reality TV stars are all exempt from this rule.

So we have another installment of the bachelor. This time, the guy has a kid and was previously dumped by hottie DeAnna Pappas. Which, come on people, we all knew it was going down. She ain’t yo baby momma!!

So ABC pulls on the heart strings of all the women who fell in love with Jason on the bachelorette. And honestly, what girl with any kind of heart wouldn’t? He’s pretty much a ratings gold mine. Good man, single dad, got his heart broken at the “proposal spot.” (ps, I’m calling it that from now on. The proposal spot.)

Now all the women who watched this wretched show, now automatically feel as if they have some sort of connection with Jason.

Top 5 reason why this is true.
#1. All women have seen romantic comedies. All romantic comedies are formulaic, and after the big huge drama keeping the main characters apart, they somehow work it out and there is always a happy ending. This is the happy ending that all women are craving. Even ice queens.
#2. There is a kid involved. Have you ever noticed while watching SoapNet there are commercials for the needy kids in Africa? And ever notice how there are none of the same commercials during sporting events? That’s because kids pull at the heartstrings of women. Women love kids. Even ice queens.
#3. Dude was left at the “proposal spot” after thinking everything was hunky dory. Every women has been left at some where at some point when thinking everything was hunky dory. Even ice queens.
#4. He’s from Seattle. Women love Seattle. See #1 and please reference Sleepless in Seattle. HOLY SHIT… I just realized that this is a REAL life version of Sleepless in Seattle. Son of a Bitch.
#5. Women like winning. Wait, women like beating other women. Therefore by ultimately winning at this game you obtain a couple things
   5a. You beat 24 other women
   5b. you are getting married and those other losers are not.
   5c. you successfully landed what other women could not. Take that bitch.
   5d. you won a nice new diamond ring.
   5e. you won being a new baby momma. (Big win. Don’t have to go through that whole “pregnancy” thing, you know      getting fat, irritable, cankles, etc etc. Big win. Even for ice queens.)

With that being said, while I won’t be watching the show I will have plenty of girl friends watch the show and fill me in. What I will do, is play my own little bachelor. I shall go only by what their bio says on ABC.com and judge them without rhyme or reason. Please note that all actions that happen on the show will NOT be taken into account during this judgement.

Without further ado.

First 10 eliminated…

Oh, poor girls got a 7 Head.

Dominique - Oh, poor girls got a 7 Head.

looks like a sharpie attacked, and she fended it off with her forehead.

Emily - looks like a sharpie attacked, and she fended it off with her forehead.

26 my ass...

Jackie - 26 my ass...

Jillian - Oh honey. Glamour Shots is down the hall.

Jillian - Oh honey. Glamour Shots is down the hall.

Nicole - meh.

Nicole - meh.

Raquel - Your a Jewelry designer, so you shouldn't have any problem finding your own right. ps. your also old.

Raquel - Your a Jewelry designer, so you shouldn't have any problem finding your own right. ps. your also old.

Sharon - Too old.

Sharon - Too old.

Shelby - Says your 23, but I think it's more like 42. Plus she looks baked here.

Shelby - Says your 23, but I think it's more like 42. Plus she looks baked here.

Stephanie - 7 head and Old. Not a winning combination.

Stephanie - 7 head and Old. Not a winning combination.

Treasure - yup that's her name. Your a single mom in Utah. The Lord looks down on that.

Treasure - yup that's her name. Your a single mom in Utah. The Lord looks down on that.

So those are the first 10 women let go. Which now leaves me with 15 desperate beautiful women left to choose from. 

THE 15

Stacia - Single mom... I Ain't No Baby Daddy!

Stacia - Single mom... I Ain't No Baby Daddy!

Ann - Bonus points for being a Flight Attendant and hopes of the MHC, but not enough points.

Ann - Bonus points for being a Flight Attendant and hopes of the MHC, but not enough points. Plus I'm afraid her tooth might get caught on something... just sayin.

Nikki - I saw some pics on ABC.com, and it really is sad to see this rack go.

Nikki - I saw some pics on ABC.com, and it really is sad to see this rack go.

Lisa - Hoop Earrings are for sluts.

Lisa - Hoop Earrings are for sluts.

FINAL 10

Basically these girls all cancel each other out. All of them are average looking with average jobs and all about the same age… so in essence they cancel each other out.  Plus there is some crazy eye going on with some of them. 

laruenjulieericakarimolly

TOP 5

Megan - She kinda has a little Julie Cooper thing going on here... plus hoop earrings. Oh and a kid, I told you I Ain't No Baby Daddy!

Megan - She kinda has a little Julie Cooper thing going on here... plus hoop earrings. Oh and a kid, I told you I Ain't No Baby Daddy!

 

Natalie - I wish Natalie was from the south and had a southern accent. However she's from Chicago. I'm sad to see her go.

Natalie - I wish Natalie was from the south and had a southern accent. However she's from Chicago. I'm sad to see her go.

Naomi - Her name is I MOAN backwards. She's a flight attendant. Pretty obvious 3rd place I think.

Naomi - Her name is I MOAN backwards. She's a flight attendant. Pretty obvious 3rd place I think.

THE FINALS

Shannon - Says shes 29, but she looks 22 in this picture. Which means as she grows old, she going to Continue to be hot. This obviously something you have to think about. She's also a dental hygienist, and if you've ever seen porn, you know that's a good thing. She loses points for being from Kansas. Nothing good came from Kansas.

Shannon - Says shes 29, but she looks 22 in this picture. Which means as she grows old, she going to Continue to be hot. This obviously something you have to think about. She's also a dental hygienist, and if you've ever seen porn, you know that's a good thing. She loses points for being from Kansas. Nothing good came from Kansas.

Melissa - She's 25 from Dallas TX. Right there she's a little behind in points. However, she's a real cutie, and based on some insider information she is a Dallas Cowboys Cheerleader. With that being said, being a Cheerleader (not a base) is in essence Kryptonite to me. She's a couple years younger than Shannon so that's always a plus.

Melissa - She's 25 from Dallas TX. Right there she's a little behind in points. However, she's a real cutie, and based on some insider information she is a Dallas Cowboys Cheerleader. With that being said, being a Cheerleader (not a base) is in essence Kryptonite to me. She's a couple years younger than Shannon so that's always a plus.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

So who’s the winner? Well I can tell you one thing. I spent WAAAAY too much time looking at old Dallas Cowboy Cheerleading squads. Yeah, I found Melissa pretty quickly, but DAYUM. I’m not lying when I say I put in a good 25 minutes on the Cheerleaders website. You are very welcome for all the clicks by the way. 

However, I have a job to do. I have to pick my Bachelorette to be my one and only, so we could meet at the proposal spot, and there I would  give her a ring and ask her to marry me. And all the lonely women loyal viewers would all in unison, go awwwwweee…. with a little tear shed from their eye. 

After much deliberation, and time to myself, I finally have made a decision. The winner my friends… 

 

My Bachelor Winner!

My Bachelor Winner!

While many of the other contestants fought valiantly, Melissa brought her A game. And by her A game I mean pictures of her as a cheerleader. Seriously. She should carry those around with her. I told you… Its my Kryptonite. I can’t help it. Now, my only hope is that douche dad doesn’t actually pick her, and I can move to DFW and start my courting of Ms. Melissa. 

*sigh*

I hope you all enjoy the Bachelor this season. 
Make sure to catch it Mondays at 8pm 

 

Feel Free to email…
SarcasmAsAWeapon@gmail.com 

Until Next Time…





Extensions, Cougars, and Hot Messes… Oh My…

7 01 2009

At first, I thought I would do a little introduction, nay, quick bios on the 20 lucky ladies who are competing for my hero Bret Michaels heart on the new season of Rock of Love bus. Turns out Bret has some brains and realized that having girls compete for his affection in a multi-million dollar home was just ludicrous, because he spends most of his time on the road.

I can’t actually argue that point.

However, after completing the viewing of the first episode of Rock of Love bus, I decided that doing a bio, was unnecessary. In fact, I’m basically putting them into 3 groups. Names, occupations, intelligence are all irrelevant.

The First group….

THE HOT MESSES

The Biggest Hot Mess I've Ever Seen On a Reality Show. Seriously. VH1.com

The Biggest Hot Mess I\’ve Ever Seen On a Reality Show. Seriously. VH1.com

When She Talkes, I Could Have Sworn I Heard A Dude. May Have Even Seen An Adams Apple. Vh1.com

Her low voice was a surprise for someone so tiny. Vh1.com

This Girl Looks Like A Girl I Worked With At Best Buy. The Girl I Worked With Mentioned One Day She'd Wake Up In A Gutter After A Long Night Of Drinking. I'm Thinking It May Be The Same Girl. VH1.com

This Girl Looks Like A Girl I Worked With At Best Buy. The Girl I Worked With Mentioned One Day She\’d Wake Up In A Gutter After A Long Night Of Drinking. I\’m Thinking It May Be The Same Girl. VH1.com

Piercing Both Your Dimples, Doesn't Make You Any Less a Man. VH1.com

Piercing Both Your Dimples, Doesn\’t Make You Classy. VH1.com

THE COUGARS

She Has A Masters Degree.... In Storytelling. She's Also A Hippie. I Hate Hippies. VH1.com

She Has A Masters Degree…. In Storytelling. She\’s Also A Hippie. I Hate Hippies. VH1.com

Huge Cougarific Rack. Like Huge. VH1.com

Huge Cougarific Rack. Like Huge. VH1.com

Porn Star. Cougar. Stalker. Should Be A Good Season. VH1.com

Porn Star. Cougar. Stalker. Should Be A Good Season. VH1.com

Serious Case of Crazy Eyes. VH1.com

Serious Case of Crazy Eyes. VH1.com

It's Like Suzie Orman/Susan Powter Wrapped Up In One Tiny Package. VH1.com

It\’s Like Suzie Orman/Susan Powter Wrapped Up In One Tiny Package. VH1.com

Penthouse Pet. Taya, You Think Your The First Girl In The History Of Penthouse To Only Wear A Cowboy Hat?!? Vh1.com

Penthouse Pet. Taya, You Think Your The First Girl In The History Of Penthouse To Only Wear A Cowboy Hat?!? Vh1.com

GIRLS I MIGHT MAKE OUT WITH AFTER A BOTTLE AND A HALF OF JACK

Your From Utah, Which Probably Means Your Just as Jack Mormon As I Am. VH1.com

Your From Utah, Which Probably Means Your Just as Jack Mormon As I Am. VH1.com

You So Straddled The Cougar/Make Out Line. It's Probably Cause Your High Maintenance That Kept You Out of The Cougar Group. Lucky You. Vh1.com

You So Straddled The Cougar/Make Out Line. It\’s Probably Cause Your High Maintenance That Kept You Out of The Cougar Group. Lucky You. Vh1.com

You Straddled The Tranny Line With Those Linebacker Shoulders. Vh1.com

Her And My Grandma Have The Same Travel Makeup Case Vh1.com

You Were So Normal! And Cute! Unfortunately, Our Rock of Love Tour Ended At The First Episode. Good Luck Having Your Shit Together, And Being A Nurse. What's Wrong With You?!? Vh1.com

You Were So Normal! And Cute! Unfortunately, Our Rock of Love Tour Ended At The First Episode. Good Luck Having Your Shit Together, And Being A Nurse. What\’s Wrong With You?!? Vh1.com

Now of course there are a couple girls I left out. One for length purposes. And some, well just cause I didn’t feel the need to put your pictures in. One I did leave out is another foreign giant, much like season 2. The Ukrainian beauty. However this one speaks worse english, is just as big, and is from Brazil. Should be awesome. Hopefully we’ll get one or two great one liners solely based on her terrible english.

So no more mansion. These girls are now going to be pent up in Brets busses and he’s going to make them live the Rock Star life style. Which, as being a former Rock Star myself, we know consists of booze, strippers, busses, extensions (we all know Bret) synchronized periods, and collapsing in the middle of the street. How we forget it wouldn’t be Rock of Love, bus or mansion, without Mud Bowl. Hallelujah for Mud Bowl 3!

So flash forward to Bret Rocking on stage and the girls being completely shit canned. Which is cool, because if there is anything more wild than the Bull Riding at the county fair, it’s the Bret Michaels concert at the grandstand. Two of the girls begin reliving their freshman year of college. All the while, the good patrons of Kentucky get two shows for the price of one. That my friends is a good summer. It got so bad, that at one point, the Penthouse Pet Taya stated….

“you know it’s bad when the Penthouse Pet is the classiest girl up there.”

That my friends are words to live by. If you are doing something in your life, and you wonder if it’s classy, embarrassing, or shameful, just ask yourself. WWPPD? What Would Penthouse Pets Do? And there is your answer.

But my friends, the classy didn’t stop there. Of course as Bret stated, there was a “time honored tradition” of the after show party. Hosted at none other than a place called Coyotes. (weird)

Now, I consider myself a pretty professional Reality TV watcher. I’ve seen some crazy shit. Some really off the wall, insane, completely inappropriate behavior. (83% has been on Rock of Love) Yet nothing, and I mean nothing prepared me for the insanity I was about to witness. Once Bret arrived, they decided it was time for body shots. Now I’ve been to my fair share of college parties. I’ve seen a Girls Gone Wild here and there, and from what I know, body shots are taken from the stomach, or the breast. Call me old fashion.

But alas, this day in age, the ladies have stepped up their game to snare themselves a man. Yes, ladies and gentleman, leave it to Rock of Love to have the first ever Vagina Shot. Now of course, seeing as how I didn’t pay for the hour long show, they didn’t actually show it happening, but the face on all the girls and even Bret Michaels was priceless. And you know, when Bret Michaels says “maybe you should slow your roll…” you’ve done some crazy shit.

That my friends is FACT.

So, the next day basically, more shit happens. They fight… one girl pukes, then immediately kisses Bret without his knowledge of the puking, a group of girls calls themselves Blondetourage (new word), and another girls chokes a bitch out…. true story.

Elimination comes and Bret knocks out the only girl who has a brain. One of my favorites, Stephanie. She was a nurse practitioner (real job) cute, blonde, and shy. Which obviously means because she has her shit together, she automatically kicked out.

Now, here are some words to live by….

“The two girls started making out, basically passing disease along.”
“You can’t break up the Blondetourage.”
“You’re a dude. and Bret Michaels doesn’t want to date a dude.”
“You were on my Free Pass list. And you were the only one… well Ed Norton was on there for a bit. But you’re still number one.”
“Take that Ed Norton.”

Check back next time when I rate the girls of The Bachelor.

email at
SarcasmAsAWeapon@gmail.com

Until Next Time…





Bachelorette…. Again?…..

9 11 2008

Sometimes when I’m walking down the street in this wonderful city I’m in, and I happen to be hanging out with someone who I feel has the same type of humor and or judging abilities, I like to play a little game.

The game is of course… “Who Could Do Better?”

Basically it’s pretty self explanatory. You, being the judgmental party that you are, notice other couples walking around you. When you notice a couple that doesn’t quite fit, you say out loud…. “who could do better?” And then the judging commences.

Often times, it’s the woman that could usually do better. As is the case of…..

DeAnna Pappas and the dude she picked. They were so odd in fact, I don’t even remember the dudes name. All I do know is she was WAY too hot to be with that dude. I didn’t watch the Bachelorette this year, or in previous years, but I did notice how smokin hot DeAnna was. So with that being said, here is an open letter for me and DeAnna to hook up.

Dear DeAnna.

You’re hot. I was thinking you could be my sugar momma in this relationship. I was trying to think about what I could actually bring to the relationship, and couldn’t really come up with anything. Aside from having a “real” job. I’m no snowboarder/skier or whatever that hippie did. I also live with my parents, which if you think about, could be beneficial to us saving all of your money. Lastly, I can cook a mean dish of Macaroni and Cheese. And on special occasions, best believe I’m breaking out the Spirals for you! I also was a volunteer for Special Olympics. Annnnnd I like dogs.

Sincerely,

me.

Well. There goes nothing. It’s now out in the world wide web. Hopefully she’ll come across this letter and realize we’ve been meant for each other. I mean, how could she not. I think that letter was full of inspiring things that we have in common. I have a lot to offer I believe.

Anyway, for those of you who are saying… you’re getting waaaaay ahead of yourself… here is the video of what’s his name. Being sad. Or something. I dunno.

*yawn*

Oh is it over?

I’ll leave all of you with this… a picture of the future Mrs. Me and what would only become the second love of my life… her car….

pacific-coastnewscom1

Heres hopin I never hear…. “Who Could Do Better?”

Until next time…

SarcasmAsAWeapon@gmail.com





S.A.W…

31 10 2008

It’s October 31st folks, and where I come from that makes this Slut Appreciation Weekend, in more common terms, Halloween. 

It’s the only time of the year where any girl can dress like a complete whore and it’s is totally socially acceptable. Not only is it acceptable, it’s encouraged. I for one love this idea. I for one am all in favor of this idea. In fact, I wouldn’t mind if this happened maybe once or twice more a year.  I mean what actually happens in the month of May? Nothing. 

August? Even More nothing. 

So number one, I propose S.A.W be held at least twice more during the year. 

And number two, I propose Halloween ACTUALLY be renamed as Slut Appreciation Weekend. I feel as if this will clear up a number of issues of Halloween. 

Lastly, I would like to take a moment to honor someone who paved the way for S.A.W. to become what it has today. A true visionary, a pioneer of S.A.W. Someone who shaped the future and gave hope to women of the future… Ladies and Gentelman… I give you … 

Kelly Taylor!

 

Kelly set a precedent for all future Halloweens. Guys, I do believe we owe Kelly Taylor a huge debt of gratitude. For she has shaped a future like this….. 

This is a future, I want to be a part of. 

 

Thank you Kelly Taylor… Thank you. 

Happy S.A.W. Everyone.

Until Next time…
SarcasmAsAWeapon@gmail.com





No Good Title…

14 10 2008

Let me preface this blog by letting you know, I’m not the happiest camper in the world. Yes, I know that’s been the general theme of my latest blogs, but now, I have reason.

At least for tonight. As of this writing I just watched the Boston Red Sox play like utter rubbish. It’s a well known fact that I’m a huge fan of the Sox, and as of the last two games, they’ve really left me upset. But I don’t think many people come her for my in depth thoughts on sports. This isn’t necessarily a sports blog, so I try to limit that stuff for special occasions. But in all honesty, if you want my thoughts on the last two Sox games in the ALCS email me. I’ll go off.

Today however as I was away from my computer for most of the day watching the Sox, I come back and have received an IM from JDub.

http://daisyoflovecasting.com/

So I obviously click the link to find out what my friend has in store for me.

Upon arrival, I, like you may have, notice that this is a site dedicated to the application proccess of getting on Daisy from Rock of Love 2’s new spinoff show. I can’t tell you how excited I am to apply.

I have decided that obtaining a job and trying to pay my bills is horseshit. I shall no longer be streessed out about it. I shall, however, apply to be on Daisy’s Rock of Love spinoff. Everyone knows how I was such a fan of Daisy during the entire last season.

In fact, I think I may have referred to her as half retarded in one of my previous blogs. By the way after watching Tropic Thunder I’ve found that I can make fun of people who are half retarded. It’s only when I make fun of people that are fully retarded that I get in real trouble. Thanks Tropic Thunder.

Anyway, back to my new quest of being on Daisy’s new show. I don’t see as how this could possibly be a bad thing. I mean, I’m somewhat good looking. I don’t have any tattoos, nor do I dress in Ed Hardy and wear makeup, but maybe this is what Daisy could be looking for. Last couple of guys we have seen her with have been all decked out and Rockstarish.

The closest I have ever come to being rockstarish was the last time I was in Las Vegas, trying to convience my friends I should get a new tattoo. And by new, I mean my first one. However my friends seeing how drunk I was, decided that was probably not a good idea, and now probably stand in the way of me hooking up with Daisy. This depresses me.

I mean I think I’d be good for Daisy. We’d look like a modern day Barbie and Ken. That is, if Barbie got all strung out and started effing random band members. And it would also pertain if I had a hot pink Corvette and no private parts, yet still wore skin colored underpants.

Last time I checked some douche posing in front of a Rolls Royce Phantom that he walked by while taking a site seeing tour in LA was in the lead position to be cast on Daisy of Love. He’s only got six thousand votes. I’m pretty sure I could take him. Plus if I make it on the show, I could put that on my resume.

Daisy of Love Cast Member
Responsible for staying continually drunk. 
Attempted make out with said Daisy. 
Semi-finalist. 

I’m not sure what new job that could land me, aside from a future in porn, or extensive and thorough knowledge of STDs and gynecology.

So I haven’t applied yet, but if I can wrangle up a couple more than six thousand votes, it’s something I might highly consider.

That’s all for now…

email at,
SarcasmAsAWeapon@gmail.com





The Extensions Strike Back….

30 07 2008

Well folks, I knew it had been a long time since I had written anything. I can tell because once every other day I’ll look at my blog and notice on the calendar nothing highlighted on any given day, because nothing has been written.

And to be honest, I feel as if I’ve let you guys down. (my three faithful readers thanks DZ and mom. PS Mom, please stop hitting the refresh button so I get more hits. Your son is not going to be a famous blogger, nor are you REALLY proud of my work.) I’ve let some vital information go on like it’s never really happened. And it’s some very important information people.

You see, couple months ago I had a little obsession on TV that was indeed Rock of Love 2. Where all these awesome little sluts would vie for the attention of one of my 80’s youth heroes Mr. Bret Michaels. Apparently Bret and AH-MBRE are no longer together and the great Extensioned One decided to take his show on the road… literally.

Now Bret is taking another stab at finding his perfect match in the ultimate rock and roller’s test…life on the road! Rock of Love Bus with Bret Michaels is set to premiere in early 2009.

“We are excited to hit the road for another season of Rock of Love,” commented Executive Producers Mark Cronin & Cris Abrego, “Nobody knows their way around a tour bus like Bret Michaels, and we are confident that the audience will enjoy the ride.”

How will Bret find a woman to ‘rock his world’ when his world is always moving? VH1 is loading up a tour bus filled with beautiful babes and taking them on tour across the country. Rock of Love Bus with Bret Michaels takes contestants out of the mansion and on the road in true rock star style. This season will feature all-new ladies vying for Bret’s affection while traveling across America following Bret on a month-long tour. The contestants will face new challenges to see if they can handle the rock star life on the road.

This time as the bus pulls into each new city, the girls will engage in challenges specifically revolving around Bret’s life on the road. Whether it’s greeting aggressive groupies with a smile, enduring grueling schedules, dodging the advances of the warm-up band or even stepping in last-minute to fill in for delinquent roadies – these girls will be put to the test. This season, as the Rock of Love Bus heads into America’s heartland, the show will be taking the viewer to a whole new level with crazy, fun, over-the-top challenges- imagine Truck Stop Olympics or a dance contest on top of the St. Louis Arch or even a BBQ cook-off beneath the World’s Largest Thermometer. And also, back by popular demand…Mud Bowl 3. Americana at it’s finest!

(courtesy of VH1.com)

SERIOUSLY??? A tour bus? lets actually take a moment boys and girls to go back and count the sexual innuendo of those last paragraphs… I counted 4. But that’s just me.

With the highest ratings ever to VH1 with Rock of Love, I wouldn’t be surprised if in fact the heads at VH1 were the ones that broke up Bret and AHMBRE. Kinda like some geniuses there decided to hire some sort of hot slutty intern just to hang around Bret and try to hook up with him. Once she finally succeeded the break up was on. Who am I kidding though. It’s not like sleeping with one little intern was going to break up the greatest TV couple of all time. AHMBRE probably would have turned the other cheek and continued auditioning for roles that call for a 26 year old. Low blow?

I can’t wait for this trainwreck of a show. Allegedly they’re also filming pretty close to where I live. Im partly considering seeing if I can’t just make it up to the locale and try to get my way onto the show. Much like I told Mr. Royal one time to tackle LC from the Hills cause his production company was filming at the Fashion Institute. That totally would have made the cut. Mr Royal tackling LC and yelling out Team Audrina…. I’d actually give my entire savings (read: $3.00 also the highest amount a good hooker should be paid) to see those events transpire.

Speaking of my little Audrina. At one point while working in radio I had some pretty decent connections with record labels. When I found out that our little Audrina was working at one, I quickly emailed my record rep from that company…. It went a little something like this.


To:RecordRep@epicrecords.com
From: Preston@clearchannel.com
Sent: January 25, 2006 10:23 am
Subject: Audrina

Deb,

Hey it’s Preston from K103 in Portland. I was just curious if you could hook me up with Audrina from the Hills? She works the front desk there.
ps. any new music you want me to hear?


To:Preston@clearchannel.com
From:RecordRep@epicrecords.com
Sent: January 25, 2006 10:26 am
Subject: Re:Audrina

Preston,

HA… are you serious?

Deb


To:RecordRep@epicrecords.com
From: Preston@clearchannel.com
Sent: January 25, 2006 10:30 am
Subject: Re:Re:Audrina

Lol. No. of course I’m not.

unless you can.


Needless to say I did NOT get a reply back. I’m not sure she took me very seriously after that. Then again, I’m not sure Audrina actually worked there. With all that being said, I’m not going to lie, (although this KILLS me inside) I’m excited for the new season of the Hills. I mean it looks, almost like they addressed all my problems with the other episodes. Except the whole Heidi/Spencer thing. I wonder if they realize that the whole world throws up at this continued high school bullshit? Then again if were pulling 100k an appearance fee I’d continue the bullshit too.

Sidebar: My new goal in life is to get appearance fees. Seriously. I just want to be cool enough that people want to pay me to show up and drink. I’m trying to figure out a way to do this. Actually… I’m just going to do that. When my friends call to ask me to hang out I will now just start to charge them.

Friend: “Hey man wanna go to Kells?”
Me: “Sure dude, it’ll be 100 bucks.”
Friend: “100 bucks? For what?”
Me: “It’s my appearance fee.”
Friend: “appearance fee to do what?”
Me: “Hang out and be awesome. You know, what I used to do for free.”
Friend: “You want a hundred bucks for that?”
Me: “I don’t see what the problems is…. it’s my going rate.”
Friend: “……..”
Me: “It’s a hundred bucks or you go by yourself.”
Friend: “Is it negotiable?”
Me: “No dude. You don’t see Kim Kardashian lowering her appearance fee.”
Friend: “I’ll pay for two Jack and Cokes, final offer.”
Me: “Done. I’m there.”

Anyway, the moral of this story is that The Hills returns to television very shortly, and yes my TiVo is set to start recording episodes.

Well folks, that’s about it for now. I’m thinking I’m going to be writing a couple more blogs this week, because I’m bored outta my mind again looking for jobs.

If you’d like you can now email.
SaracasmAsAWeapon@gmail.com

Until next time….





The Dark Knight Weekend…

21 07 2008

Let me get this outta the way. The title of this blog will make much more sense in a little bit. But first let me tell you about a little movie I saw this weekend.

I saw The Dark Knight this weekend. TWICE. I LOVED it! It was amazing. More times than not I caught myself with my mouth open in awe at how freakin good Heath Ledger’s Joker was. It was simply amazing to see someone command a screen like that. To completely transform himself into something unrecognizable.

I’ve never actually been a Heath Ledger “fan.” I hate First Knight. Never really saw Brokeback Mountain. He was annoying in Lords of Dogtown. However, I did enjoy his performance in 10 Things I Hate About You. I’m not sure how that ranks on the current state of my manhood, but I took the lesser of two evils in Ledger’s resume. My point is, I didn’t want people to think that I was jumping on the critics bandwagon of loving Heath Ledger’s talents.

Nolan’s directing, and Ledger’s performance have given credibility to a genre of movie that have been so long laughed at and and given the back seat to “real” movies. I wish people like Michael Bay, George Lucas, and Jerry Bruckhiemer would take notice of what Nolan did with so very little CGI. Maybe Christopher Nolan should pass them a not in regards to the amount of CGI put into a movie. I believe it would read something like this…..

Dear Directors.
CGI is cool. But just because you can, doesn’t mean you should. (*cough* vine swinging scene in IJ IV *cough*)

But the whole entire movie comes down to Heath Ledger. I’ve never been in awe of what an actor has done. The closest I came was Ryan Gosling in Half Nelson. I can indeed say I was in awe of the character that Ledger put on screen. Allegedly there are talks of a third with the same ensemble cast, and all I can say is, the Joker will be missed.

ps, go see it.
(oh and another thing, I have developed a crush on Maggie Gyllenhaal)

Well, now with that out of the way, I would like to inform you that the rest of this blog is brought to you by Warner Bros.’ The Dark Knight. Starring Christian Bale, Heath Ledger, Gary Oldman, and Aaron Eckhart.

I drove out early Friday morning to the small Oregon town The Dalles. It would indeed be two small town visits in the span of two weeks. I generally try not to do such things, for it fucks with my fung shway? shuei? Dammit, now I have to look it up….. hold…….

Feng Shui. There we go.

I got into town as a promise to Mrs. Gibbs from roughly a month ago that I would indeed visit them at thier new home together in The Dalles. My one condition was that if it got too hot, I would indeed not becoming, because as I’ve stated before, I do not deal well with heat.

Gibbs informed me that he indeed did have an AC unit so all would be well in the world. I got into town and woke Gibbs up from a nap when I got in, becuase he had worked graveyard the night before and was a bit sleepy. I settled in to the house and dan and I bullshitted a bit about nothing important. We decided to hit a local hotspot in town, Dairy Queen.

I proceeded to order a Chicken Strip basket and forgo the Ranch dressing I usually get and instead get the gravy said CSB comes with. What have I been missing for so long???? This gravy was glorious. I could dip everything in it. Fries. Check. Texas Toast. Check. Chicken Strips. Check. The thought even occurred to me to get a chocolate sunday and proceed to top it with Gravy. mmmmm sounds good right now still. I do have an inner fat kid I fight off constantly.

After DQ we met up with Mrs. Gibbs at her place of employment, a winery! YAY! Actually I’m not a fan of wine really, but they served beer there so we were set. Plus we were going to see The Dark Knight so I wanted to be of sound mind and body.

Near the winery was a Dominoes pizza and a mom and pops market. We were sent over to the mom and pops market to pick up some ice. Once inside I couldn’t believe how awesome the place was. Complete with locals at our becking call ready to help us. We picked up some ice and I couldn’t help but notice the “Bobble Babes” beer coozie! I considered buying one for Gibbs, but figured the misses probably wouldn’t be to keen on the bouncing chest of Gibbs beer coozie.

After some time with Mrs Gibbs it was off to see the Dark Knight! If you couldn’t tell from my review above it was pretty sweet. So sweet in fact that the whole weekend was dubbed the Dark Knight Weekend. You see after the movie Gibbs and I met up with Mrs Gibbs while she was still working. The winery tasting room was a bit more busy as there was some live music.

There were also a lot of dudes wearing cutoff shirts. Strangest phenomenon.

We gots some beers then the most brilliant idea came upon us. Dude lets get a pizza from dominoes and play video games. Oh and get drunk. And that folks is what we did. Off to Dominoes! It was there, where the whole theme of the weekend came to fruition. Dominoes has a new special Gotham City Pizza that is indeed “cloaked” in 50% more pepperoni. (It also comes in this dope black box) Being the consumer whore that I am, it was immediately decided that we shall get the Dark Knight Pizza and head home.

The Dark Knight Pizza

The Dark Knight Pizza

"Cloaked" in 50% more pepperoni.

"Cloaked" in 50% more pepperoni.

From there we decided to do what we do best. Play video games.

It’s amazing how fast Gibbs and I fall back into our college days. Pizza, beer, jack daniels, and video games. Were pretty ok with this being our life. And we have no problems with it at all.

The drinking intensified and so did the shit talking while playing video games. We busted out NHL 01 for the playstation 2 knowing full well we have much cooler games we could be playing. However we spent many a college nights wasting away playing NHL 01 so it was only fitting we bring it back. After this game…

This Game Put Me Up 3 games to 1.

This Game Put Me Up 3 games to 1.

I was up 3 games to 1 on Gibbs. Which, unlike college, never happened. Gibbs had a tendency to whoop my ass at games a lot. But on this night, I felt cocky, I felt a swagger unlike before. It may have been the Jack, I dunno, but I decided to unleash a barrage of shit talking. I may or may not have included items that included his mother into the conversation. (PS Gibbs’ mom is a wonderful lady, and all shit talking about his mom, is not only untrue, but unwise.)

Gibbs took exception to my swagger and decided he had had enough…

Gibbs Humbles Me.

Gibbs Humbles Me.

I had been humiliated. At one point I think the score was 6-0. We played one more game in which I won, putting the weekend score 4-2 in favor of me. It felt good. Rarely did I beat Gibbs at vidoe games. But the beatings were far from over!!!!

We woke up the next afternoon, roughly around 11 and began to watch Parental Control on MTV. I kid you not when I say we probably watched a good 3 hours of it. What was even more sad was the simple fact that we’d flip back and forth between Parental Control and the Sox game on Fox. We decided that once we were ready to face the day (2 pm) we felt the need to start drinking. Gibbs was on a mission to get the ingredients for a drink he had consumed in the Big City. So off to Fred Meyer and the liquor store to get some soda, and some steak for our BBQ adventure we would be having that day.

We got back and immediately started drinking I with my Jack Daniels and Gibbs with his “Go-Go.” I believe that is what he had heard them called. We, however, decided that that was..
a.)not cool
b.) not manly
c.) just plain stupid.

So with that being said, Gibbs and I decided to call this drink…. of course…. the Dark Knight. Why, well first because it was so good that the drunkeness was probably going to sneak up on you like The Dark Knight. Second Gibbs decided to leave a knife in his drink all day long, so that it would more be in spirit of the Joker. He occasionally stirred his Dark Knight with his straw, but it was mostly for looks. And to up the toughness factor of the drink.

The Dark Knight concoction and Jack

The Dark Knight concoction and Jack

We had all day to waste so we got back to playing video games. However these were not your new fangled video games. We went old school with it and rocked Gibbs’ sit down Mrs Pacman game system. I’m not going to lie, we probably played video games for a good four hours. All the while drinking Jack and Cokes, and “Dark Knights.” We were both getting pretty drunk when we decided to start obtaining high scores on all sorts of games. Galaga. High score ours. Dig Dug. High score ours. Mrs. Pacman. High score Gibbs. I came in, and decided I would dominate some Donkey Kong. Gibbs laughed as I told him I would get the high score on Donkey Kong. Folks, for those of you who know, DK is one of the hardest video games in the world. I of course was not afraid.

Dedicated.

Dedicated.

BOO YAH DONKEY KONG!

BOO YAH DONKEY KONG!

After hours of playing video games, Mrs. Gibbs returned home, and we all headed out to see the Dark Knight again. Mrs. Gibbs had missed it the first night and we loved it so it was no problem seeing it again. However this time, Gibbs and I were already a little messed up. Of course we couldn’t let this go, so we filled some flasks and off to the theater.

At one point Gibbs and I were singing along to a wonderful song by Jason Mraz, when we exited the car, and he turned to me and said…. “we should’ve joined a boy band.” 9:10pm and Gibbs was hammered. I was too so it was extra funny and not at all true.

We proceeded to the concession stand to pick up some sodas to empty out our flasks of Jack into. We also picked up some candy. I was going to go for the M&M’s but the Reeces Pieces had Batman on them, and being the consumer whore that I am, changed my mind. The high schooler at the concessions picked up on this rather quickly, and joined in the fun
HS Boy: “would you like some dark knight butter for your popcorn?”
Us: “yes.”
HS Boy: “would you like a dark knight soda?”
Us: “yes.”
HS Boy: “would you like to buy my 1983 Dark Knight Honda Civic?”
Had he actually asked us this, I’m pretty sure we would have been driving home in the kids used car. Damn my whoreism.

We caught the Dark Knight for the second time. We got out, and Dan and I were a little smashed but that didn’t change our opinion. We got back to the house and all hung out for a little bit and drank a little bit more. about 1 in the morning we all called it a night. I said goodbye to Gibbs and Mrs Gibbs because I didn’t want to wake them in the morning. And with that, the Dark Knight weekend was over.

and what a weekend it was!





What’s Happening?

29 06 2008

So it’s been a little bit since I blogged, and instead of writing the obligatory “I’m really busy blog, I’ll write one soon.” I decided that I would just take half an hour out of my Sunday night to jot some things down.

Nothing really all that important has happened lately but I thought I would let you in on a couple of things happening.

Couple weekends ago a very very good friend of mine, Gibs, came into town to hang out and celebrate his anniversary with his wife. I haven’t gotten to see Gibs lately becasue he lives in a very remote part of the state that no one goes too unless they have a job there (Gibs) or they’re hiding from the law. The only reason I know Gibs isn’t hiding from the law is a.) because he works for law enforcement currently, b.) I’ve actually been called by the state to answer some questions regard Gibs and his character. Gibs and I were roommates throughout college so I suppose I’m a character witness.

(Although it is worth noting that I lie every time they call me when they ask if Gibs has any problems with alcohol. And I guess its not really lying because Gibs doesn’t have any problems with alcohol, in fact he loves alcohol. They’re like best friends, and if he wasn’t currently married, I’m pretty sure he and booze would be walking down the isle shortly. That is, if he could stand long enough.)

Anyway, so Gibs and his lovely wife came to town and we decided to meet up last second. I can honestly say it’s always a great time when Gibs and I get together, and this was no difference. The biggest difference was that Gibs’ lovely wife was, how do I put this delicately,…. oh right, she was shit canned! Apparently they had gone to a baseball game before meeting up with me, and Mrs. Gibs was already well on her way. We met up downtown and continued with our usual pattern of drinking.

Mrs. Gibs decided that it was time to finally get something off her chest. Remember the little town that the Gibs live in, well as it turns out I haven’t visited them since they’ve been married. (With obvious reason.) So in all her drunken glory Mrs. Gibs gave me sooooo much shit that I decided to cave and head out to the Gibs family home in the future, and possibly collect on some rewards for the FBI. In addition to agreeing to visit the “land that technology forgot” Mrs Gibs also decided that it was indeed time that I found myself an “honest” woman. To which she scoured the bar for someone to not only introduce me to, but hopefully set us up and marry us off.

Mind you this wouldn’t be such a big deal, and I wouldn’t have minded cause I generally trust women’s ideas of hot, but I also didn’t realize that Mrs. Gibs gets a wicked case of beer goggles when she drinks. So low and behold Mrs. Gibs was literally dragging me across the bar for the most awkward introduction that I may have ever been involved with. I don’t even remember the poor girls name but she was bombarded by Mrs. Gibs and my awkward shyness considering the moment. We chatted and it was small talk, so it came to an abrupt end. Which, even that felt awkward.

It must also be said that the young lady paid less attention to me than the nice young Asian gentleman sitting next to her. And yes, I’m flattered when gay guys hit on me.

I knew the night was a success when I received the following text messages from Gibs.
– Hey man, we got locked out of our room, but we got it figured out.
– Just letting you know Mrs. Gibs and I threw up, a lot.
– What time did you drop us off last night?

success.
Look for the Gibs Family Visit blog coming after July 19th.

As some people already know I can’t stand the heat. And apparently this past weekend Mother Nature decided I hadn’t had enough shit go down in my life, so she jacked up the furnace to a brisk 103 degrees. SERIOUSLY! 103???? I felt like I was going to melt. I think my body temperature is much higher than that of the average person. All of my past girlfriends can attest that when it’s hot outside, I’m THE worst person to be around. There is NO touching. NO snuggling. NO PDA. NOTHING. There is absolutely no way I’m inviting people to raise my body temperature along with my uncomfortable level.

So I do my best to make sure I stay in or around air conditioning. So off to the movies I went. I had passes from the radio station to go see The Happening for free. So I called up Stevie P. and we decided to roll down on Saturday.

Now it must be said that I am a big fan of M. Night Shyamalan. I really like The Sixth Sense. I loved Unbreakable. I liked Signs and the Village too. Wasn’t a fan of Lady in The Water, but I still enjoyed Shyamalan’s style of directing. So after hearing some early reviews of my friends calling the movie the Crappening, I was a little timid. And with reason. The movie is a bit of a stretch. The concept will have a lot of people upset and saying this is stupid. I however, (while I agree with the review of the movie itself, it was a stretch) would like to point out that I have written many times (here, and here) about mother nature and the power she wields. She’s one cranky bitch my friends, so maybe, just maybe, M. Night was on to something. Maybe he reads my blogs and got some inspiration. I dunno. What I do know, is the movie was totally worth the price I paid (free)… and although the movie was a bit of a let down, I’m still a BIG fan of his directing style.

If you want spoilers to the movie so this makes a little more sense, leave me a comment with your email. I’ll ruin everything for you.

In another new revelation, I may have begun a new little crush on Zooey Deschanel.

While most of the world was watching another new little crush, DeAnna Pappas (ps, she wasn’t a crush till this post from The Superficial), on the bachlorette I was busy watching some show called Baby Borrowers or something like that. Basically they take someone baby’s, probably some Mormons or Catholics cause they’ve got kids to spare, and give it to some high school couple who thinks they (the girl) really wants a baby, to take care of for the week. What ensuses is a whirlwind of awesomeness where young girls get the biggest kick in the ass when realizing, “hey this baby shit isn’t all it’s cracked up to be.”*

(*official quote from said teens)

What is even more awesome is when the boyfriend (who all of them didn’t want one in the first place, shocking) gets the ultimate chance to say “I told you so.” Which for any young man in his teens is almost like winning a state championship. The chance of being right when going up against a woman comes few and far between in your teen years. Some young men go their entire teens and early twenty’s without ever being right. So when the opportunity comes you men, you take it! You take it and you ride that being right till the sun comes up.

Oh, and wear a condom kid.

Lastly (I know this is long) while I sat at home this past weekend and enjoyed the bliss that is our houses AC (and the fact my parents pay the energy bill…. hellllllloooo 70 degrees.) My friend Alicia were IMing back and forth and she sent me something she found roaming the internet!

The Vitamin String Quartet!

This was about the coolest thing ever! It’s basically just a REALLY good string quartet that does covers of popular songs. One of their latest CD’s is covers of Fall Out Boy’s songs. But by searching iTunes there is a bevy of cd’s and songs to choose from. Here were some of my favorite selections.

Clock – Coldplay
Welcome To The Black Parade – My Chemical Romance
Sweet Child O’Mine – Guns N’ Roses
Sunday, Bloody Sunday – U2
Mr. Brightside – The Killers

There are soooooo many more that I can’t even list. If you like music which I know a most of my friends do, you’ll be sure to check them out on iTunes. Amazing I tell you, amazing.

(ps, allegedly this was found on some wedding blog, apparently Alicia is checking out some wedding blogs. Just sayin.)





Mayonnaise Colored Benz, I Push Miracle Whips….

5 06 2008

I’ve been a huge Kanye West fan for years. I love his style, his beats, and his lyrics. I think he’s pretty damn amazing. I know a lot of people out there hate his bravado, his arrogance, and his temper tantrums.

That my friend is your opinion. And luckily enough in this country, you’re entitled to it.
I’d have to say, his music, speaks for itself.

I have to say though, after what I saw on Tuesday night Kanye went above and beyond my expectations of a show.

I was timid giong into Tuesday nights show. I’ve seen Kanye twice before. Once by himself, and the other he opened for U2. (Still the number one concert of my life.) The reason I was timid was for two reasons.
1.) Could he do what he had done before? Full orchestra on stage? Could he pull out all the stops?

2.) I love Entertainment Weekly. I love thier reviews, I love thier articles, LOVE that magazine. So when this negative review came out I was a little disheartned. This couldn’t be right… could it?

So tickets in hand, I went to the show.

I couldn’t help but wonder, what the EW reviewer had just watched. The Glow In The Dark Tour jumped it’s way right to the number 2 spot on concerts I’ve seen all time! It was amazing! Seriously amazing, I wish I could illustrate the stage itself, because that alone was stunning. But Kanye came out all by himself and rocked a stage at a hip-hop show for and hour. Performing all the hits that made him who he is, and all the hits that I love that aren’t as popular to the masses.

It’s been 2 days since the show, and I”m still trying to grasp exactly what the EW writer was thinking. Maybe it was because they don’t pay for shows anymore. Maybe it’s because this was a concert they didn’t really want to go to in the first place. Maybe they just like rock shows better. But I couldn’t understand the review.

Lupe Fiasco sounded amazing. Their version of Superstar sounded as if it were blasting in my car stereo. N.E.R.D…. holy shit how amazing were they?!?!? Playing Seven Nation Army by the White Stripes? I coulnd’t have asked for anything more coming from them. Part of me wishes there hadn’t been seats on the floor cause I’m curious if a pit would have started. The beautiful and talented Rihanna came on to inpart her musical talents on all of us. I must say, she’s grown a lot since the last time I saw her perfom in a tiny ass club with only 100-150 people watching. Tuesday she had a sold out arena, singing along to her greatest hits, a cover or two (M.I.A’s Paper Planes for one!) and even her newest, Take a Bow.

All of this built like a movie, or a book, all of this was just the rising action before the climax of the show.

Mr. Kanye West.

I can’t stress enough how amazing this show was. No backup dancers. No fellow artists to help him on stage. Just him and a captive audience. The songs came at blistering pace, which made me and my fellow concert goers wonder if he was going to pass out. But not only did he not pass out, but it seemeds as if he upped the tempo! He took a brief respite while Journey blasted Don’t Stop Believ’n which was a personal favorite moment of mine. The show came with a monolouge from the heart of Kanye, and then Touch The Sky.

This kinda show makes me watn to see more concerts. The concert expierence, if done right, is something that will stick with you forever. Go ahead, ask people older than you, your parents, your grandparents, thier favorite concert or their best concert memory. I’m sure they’ll still be able to tell you with great detail. I can, without a doubt, say that in my years to come, The Glow in The Dark Tour is a show I’ll still talk about.

I judge things now a days, by wether or not I would actually pay to see/go/watch. U2, I’d pay a ton of money to see. The Killers, yup, them too.

Kanye West? in a heartbeat.

who knows, someday when I have kids, maybe I’ll tell them about my concert expierences.