“A Very Special Blog Post…”

13 04 2009

So I broke down a couple weeks back. Turns out a friend of mine in radio made the final push and I cracked. I signed up for twitter. That’s right. I signed up to let everyone know what I was doing every second of the day. (Or every second I had a device capable of accessing the internet.)

I held off for as long as possible seeing as how I thought no one cared what I did minute after minute. I mean, in any given day whilst being unemployed I could give you the rundown of what I do right here.

11:45am wake up
11:46am go to the bathroom
11:47am fire up the computer.
11:49am Hopefully check emails about jobs I’ve applied for. Only to receive Facebook emails about What Disney Princess would my ex girlfriend be.
11:52am Go eat breakfast, turn on Sportscenter
12:00 back to the computer making my daily rounds. Facebook.com Perezhilton.com Barstool Sports.com and Yahoo.com
1:00pm (hopefully there was some decent stuff to read killing an apparent hour to my day.) Think about taking a shower.
1:01pm not taking a shower.
1:02pm start the online search for jobs.
2:00pm Get distracted by email from friend with a dog running into a wall, or a splendidly crafted A-Rod joke.
2:30pm Fire up the ole’ World of Warcraft.
4:00pm contemplate lunch. Eat Peanut M&M’s instead.
4:05pm now with Baseball season starting, fireup ESPN.com Gamecast of the Red Sox game. (put on in background)
4:10pm Online job search again.
5:00pm ask mom what’s for dinner.
5:10pm Contemplate another shower.
5:11pm Don’t take said shower.
5:30pm Start refreshing the Facebook and other social media sites, cause my friends are all off work.
7:00pm Watch Jeopardy.
7:31pm Hit my brother, bother one of the cats, generally annoy and bother those around me.
7:32pm PS3/Wii time
8:00pm start watching shows on TV, or turn on Hulu.com and catch up on shows I’ve missed.
9:00pm Realize that TV these days sucks. Head back to the internet for some fun.
10:00pm Most of my friends have started to doze off, refreshing of social media slows.
11:00pm Realize I’m not getting to sleep any time soon. Start up How I Met Your Mother season 1, 2, or 3.
11:15pm Start a search of the internet for something to keep me occupied. (read:pornWorld News)
3:00am Turn on Lord of the Rings, or Harry Potter and finally fall to sleep.

Done.

That is my entire day almost in it’s entirety.
Seriously, if you feel the want or desire to follow me on twitter, or you think I’m wildly attractive, and charmingly witty, then by all means… follow away.

PS. that also gives out my real last name, so if you are equally as attractive and non-crazy, please feel free to do a little stalking. I won’t mind.
(sidebar: However, if your said hotness is less than said crazy-ness please forget I said anything. In fact, that’s not even my last name. I don’t know who that dude is.
In addition if you are unaware of said crazy hot scale, please allow my friend Barney Stinson to elaborate…
I’m sure I’ve posted that before. Or at least sent it to all my guy friends on Facebook at least twice.)

I mentioned before that I have been watching a lot of TV on Hulu.com. It’s just a website that hosts tons and tons of TV shows and movies in one convenient location. Did you miss Lazy Sunday or Dick in a Box from SNL? Maybe you’re too old, and you missed all of Doogie Howser M.D. or Charles in Charge? They’re all here. Some in all of their 80’s glory.

Speaking of 80’s glory… how bout these…
When Scott Baio of Charles in Charge drops his “L’s” when talking to the Chinese food delivery guy. In the 80’s racism was still funny. (Of course as I’ve noted before, all of this changed when 90210 aired, and let all of us who were raised by the TV set know, that it was in fact NOT ok to be racist. Thanks 90210.)

What about when Hot Hot Hot Chelsea Noble, Doogie’s former babysitter, came back to visit Dr. Howser and wanted to make out with him??? Don’t remember? Neither did I, until I watched the episode and did an extensive IMDB search to find who she was…

One Hot Babysitter

One Hot Babysitter

Of course then I came to realize she’s the same lady who met this douche….

That’s right, I think Kirk Cameron is a douche. And it was only after watching the E! True Hollywood Story that I came to this conclusion. It’s widely known that Kirk himself was at the downfall of Growing Pains. One of my favorite tv shows EVER! Apparently, Kirk found God and didn’t think that playing Mike Seaver was very respectful… blah blah blah… YOU TOOK GROWING PAINS FROM ME!!!

However, congrats on the salvation thing and great success on your movies.

As one may be able to tell, I watch a lot of tv, now and in the past. Television these days is great. I love it. I have a lot of show I follow on a consistent basis. But there is one thing I miss. Some of my younger readers may not know exactly what I’m about to talk about, but I really miss “A Very Special Episode.” The 80’s made valiant attempts to teach younger viewers and their parents the dangers and pitfalls of real life. Most of life was not lived with a supplied laugh track. And when real life problems were broached in the 80’s, producers made sure that those at home were to know it was coming. And it always went a little something like this….

Probably the most famous of all “Very Special Episodes” was from Diff’rent Strokes and the child molester. I contemplated putting in some video but decided, not only was it really creepy, but it was entirely too long. If you really feel the need to see what I’m talking about, feel free to hit up YouTube and search “Diff’rent Strokes and Bicycle Man.” While that officially creeped me out I’ll leave you with this gem from Diff’rent Strokes.

I think the closest we ever had to “A Very Special Episode in the 90’s was Saved By The Bell’s Jessie’s Song in 1990. I truly believe that had this show every rocked some primetime, we would have heard…

“Join us Monday night for A Very Special Episode of Saved By The Bell, where Jessie turns to drugs while trying to get by in school.” And this would have been the promo…

So awesome. So, so awesome.

Of course, taking caffeine pills wasn’t the biggest of Jessie Spano’s worries. Not being a gigantic whore in Las Vegas was.

Until Next Time…

email me…
SarcasmAsAWeapon@gmail.com

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If At First You Don’t Succeed… “F” With Someone Else’s Head…

3 03 2009

Well, I’m not going to gloat and tell you I told you so….

But really… I told you so.

Way back in the month of January when this long process began, I picked the eventual winner of the Bachelor. Sweet little vixen Melissa was the girl I picked to win it all. And, for those of you watching at home, you’ll have already seen that I was right.

Sometimes I find it hard to say those words. I was right. It’s almost like a guilty pleasure. I was right. Of course being single I get to say those words as often as possible. Which is actually all the time. This being another prime example.

I can tell you, I didn’t watch one single episode aside from this last episode, and “After the Final Rose,” which I think would have been a lot more awesome with the audience participation. The bulk of my commentary comes based on “AfTR” episode in which we see a major twist, and the Bachelors most dramatic episode ever. (Their words not mine.)

However, I would like to point out, that hot little DeAnna Pappas must have needed some sort of TV time for her time of fame has run out, because she made an appearance to try and ruin things. I keep trying to tell her, that she chose the wrong dude in the first place.

Again, I was right. What the hell. Have no idea how that happens.

I previously wrote that I was hoping that Jason “the Dumbass” Mesnik (sp) wouldn’t choose the little Vixen in hopes of me packing up this laptop moving to Dallas and trying to woo her myself. However, my dreams were crushed for a mere 15 minutes.

After the happy couple is shown we are treated to “AfTR” in which we supposed to see how the happy couple has come along. Jason is introduced, and we are warned that this is the most dramatic and potentially damaging on peoples…..blah blah blah blah……

He begins by telling the host that is relationship has changed with the little Vixen Melissa. That in fact, he doesn’t believe that they should be together (yes! *fist pump* I mean, my bad, that sucks) anymore, that they are not right for each other. Out comes Melissa in a strikingly short, low cut dress befitting a hottie from The DFW. What transpires is a brutal 15 minutes of television where poor Melissa is crushed in front of millions of viewers (or according to the host, all of America).

I couldn’t help but want to console her. Let her cry on my shoulder. Let her express her feelings of anger and rejection, by dressing up as a Dallas Cowboy cheerleader and prance around my room. This of course would have to happen with the door open because I’m not allowed to have girls in my room.

Melissa than gave us a true glimpse into how angry and hurt she was, when she started to refer to herself in the third person. I half expected her to start the angry neck thing girls get going on and waving one finger. However, she remained a classy girl and just stuck to the third person. Which was kinda funny, alarming, and awesome all at the same time. (Ps, guys, if your girlfriend or wife begins referring to herself in the third person, find out what you did, profusely apologize, and find out how comfy the couch is. Or in Jason’s case, send her packing back to Dallas in a limo. BOO YAH!)

Finally, Melissa and Jason said their goodbyes, which weren’t very cordial. In fact, Melissa made it a point to let him know “don’t call me, and don’t text me anymore.” To which I couldn’t help but think, no matter how old you are, or who you’re saying that too, I believe you will always sound as if you are in 9th grade. However she did leave out, facebook, and myspace so I think she saved some face.

It is at this time I would like to write a letter to poor disheveled Melissa.
You may skip ahead.

Melissa,
Real sorry to hear about that douche Jason. I’m not going to lie, I’m kinda glad things didn’t work out. You see, I couldn’t help but notice you were a cheerleader. I happen to really like cheerleaders. You also wore a really short, low cut dress. I too like short low cut dresses (not on me. However I do have really nice legs.) In addition to that, I am unemployed, and you have a job. I like people who have jobs. You like reality TV. I like reality TV. And finally, you are really hot, and I like really hot people. So one can only deduce that with as much as we have in common, we should totally get together sometime. It’ll be my treat. My brother works at the movies, so we can see Oscar winner Slumdog Millionaire, (I figure you’ve been taping and haven’t gotten out much) go get some chalupas from Taco Bell (coupons provided from 100 point night at a NBA game) and get some drinks (you being as hot as you are, will score them from dudes who want to buy you drinks.) I know what you’re thinking…. what a perfect night out.
Think about it…. and you know…. text me.

Look How Cute She is!!!

Look How Cute She is!!!

I’m not one hundred percent sure, but I’m thinking Melissa and I would look mighty cute together.

So Melissa leaves heartbroken and in comes Molly, and to sum it all up quickly… she takes him back. But initially, he picked Melissa, as evidenced by the ring, so therefore I win. I also couldn’t help but feel I had just watched an episode of Degrassi.

I would like to take this moment, and acknowledge the host of this fine show. Chris Harrison I believe was his name. Lets take a look at his “Bro” moments in “AtFR” shall we…

#1. When tensions run high, and Melissa is about to give Jason what he deserves, Chris quickly takes a commercial breaks taking the heat off Jason. Bro Move.
#2. He then gives Jason a moment with Melissa to say good bye. And by good bye, as Bro’s we all know, he was giving Jason a chance to obtain what is known as break up sex. However, this was denied, evidenced by a shot of Melissa walking down the hall and to the limo.
#3. While questioning new potential GF for Jason, he does the ultimate set up by planting good thoughts of them getting back together.
#4. Molly gives Jason some real tough questions in which he has no answer. (Aside from saying I’m a jackass) Chris the host, realizes this, and according to Bro code, interrupts and states, “there is a reason Jason is here Molly.” Allowing Jason not to have to answer, and start talking sweet nothings to Molly. All in hopes of getting laid. Nice Bro.
#5. Toward the end, you can see Molly grappling with the idea of what is going on, when The Ultimate Bro steps in and asks Jason, “You gotta be in love with this girl?” To which Jason obviously replies yes, for he has seen the alley oop that his Bro has given him, and slams it down with authority.

My hope, is that one day, we can all live in a world where Bros. like Chris Harrison are in abundance. Where everyman is given the gift of a god like Bro with supernatural powers to give you an all expense trip to New Zeland to have sex with two hot girls. Where, the Bro shall always be in support of you in your endeavors fighting for good, and triumphing over evil. And if by chance this day shall come long after I am dead, well then I shall swoop down from the heavens, and sing like an angel. For brethren, we have all seen the light, and we have all seen what can be. And brethren, It. Is. Good.

Amen.

Until Next Time….

SarcasmAsAWeapon@gmail.com





Noooooooooo!!!!!…

18 02 2009

DAMN YOU PEREZ HILTON!!!

DAMN YOU! You effectively ruined my day! 

rachel_bilson1

Maybe she’s not a beard after all??? Congrats to actress/fashionista Rachel Bilson and her actor beau, Hayden Christensen.

The duo got engaged in December and the news is just leaking now! A friend babbled, “They’re so excited! They’re a great couple.

Rachel seems thrilled beyond belief.” A wedding date has yet to be set. We can’t wait to see what Miz Bilson chooses to wear!


I’m at a loss of words. (Thats not true, I just figure people say that for dramatic effect) Are you serious?!? Surely you can’t be serious Ms. Bilson. I mean…. WTF?

DId you SEE Jumper? I did! It was on VALENTINES DAY! I guess you’ve already forgotten the time we spent together haven’t you Rach?? It just hurts.

Hadyen Christensen? For reals?

Did you not see what he did to Padme? Yeah he killed her! Now, granted this may have happened in a Galaxy Far, Far Away, and it may not be 100% real, but for fuck sake!

He took out Natalie Portman (huge sin among geeks), dismantled the Jedi Order (even bigger sin among geeks), and became Darth Vader (Somewhat cool for geeks. Not so much Hayden becomeing Darth Vader, but Darth Vader in general). I’m not sure if you’ve noticed, but I’m pretty sure it’s going to be really hard to make out with that mask on Rach!

Someone help her out. More than likely Hayden has picked up a little knowledge of the Force and is now brain washing her! Quick, I need a Jedi, and I need one NOW! Get over to Ms. Bilson’s house and start some Jedi mind shit to make her see the light.

Plus, do some IMDBing Rachel. Did you know he was in Life as A House? What a pussy.

Lord I’m pissed.

Hadyen Christensen again ruining my life. First it was the Star Wars movies, now it’s taking Rachel Bilson.

A pox on you Hayden Christensen! A POX!

More on my love of Rachel Bilson Here…

Untill Next time…

SarcasmAsAWeapon@gmail.com





Dirty 30 Gossip…

3 02 2009

It’s inevitable, and there is no way I could have stopped it. I tried.

I started giving myself a years head start. But to no avail.

I turned 30 this past weekend. The day after the Super Bowl, to which I’m blaming my aching body, not the fact that I am “old.” The aching might also have to do with the fact that 4 or 5 games of beer pong, may just be too many for a Sunday evening. Then I realized I have no job, or any real responsibility so why the hell not! Bring on the beer pong.

It was the next morning when I realized, I have no job, or real responsibility and I am now 30. I feel as if the only way one can really get away with that in this world is if they are a professional snowboarder/skateboarder/or former cast member of the Real World. And seeing as how my attempts at being a skateboarder ended at the tender age of 9 with a broken wrist, I don’t think I can claim professional skateboarder.

I’ve never really made a big deal of my birthday. I think it stems from having a gigantic family in which remembering a birthday let alone making a big deal of it, is a huge feat. It may also stem from the fact that I’m a male and in being one of those, events/details/anniversaries are widely forgotten.

This weekend was no different. (not the forgetting part, the actual making a big deal)

I would have thought that creeping close to 30 I would have let go of things that may not be targeted quite to my demographic. For example, it’s been well documented that I do love me some reality TV, and The Hills, 90210, and even the OC here and there. So, in the course of being male and forgetting small details, I had forgotten I have a pension for tv dramas that may be targeted at the 18-25 year old female demographic and decided to pop in season one of Gossip Girl.

Bad mistake my friend. Bad mistake. I had been told that in fact I would enjoy the show based on this premise.
#1. Hot girls. Check
#2. Good Music. Check
#3. And something else, I forgot. Check.

You see little did I know but you blend all of these factors together and you’ve got me hooked. I started disc one late saturday night, and finally finished mid evening on monday. Yes friends that was 20 hours of Gossip Girl watching in a weekend of Super Bowls and Birthday haircutsfestivities.

The obsession began with Serena van der Woodsen… aka Blake Lively.

 

hellllllooooo!

hellllllooooo!

(ps, now I know this picture is ridonkulously photoshopped making her look like a porn star  a little fake, but it’s one of the hottest ones. I mean, mens button up shirt. Skirt. Tie. Thats a win in my book.)

While she is quite the filly, there are moments where Im not sure she’s hot. And then she is. And then she’s not. And then she is. Basically she plays yo-yo with the hot/not hot line, and slightly leaning staying on the hot side. I believe her incredibly preppy outfits she rocks on an episode to episode basis remind me of a J.Crew add, which lets be honest, who doesn’t love J.Crew. 

Plus Blake was also in Sisterhood of the Traveling pants, and I’ve been racking my brain trying to figure out a joke about Blake and my pants, but I keep coming up empty. 

After becoming smitten with Serena van der Woodsen I couldn’t help but notice relatively new commer Taylor Momsen. 
taylormomsen

Upon further review, (and a diligent search on IMDB.com) I’ve come to the conclusion Taylor is not quite of age for me to be macking on. In fact, based on some loose math and the laws of gestation, I’m pretty sure that if I had gotten a girl pregnant in high school* I could in fact have a daughter the age of Taylor. Which is sad, because now I’m that creepy guy. Which I could have totally gotten away with in my 20’s. However seeing as how I’m now 30, this is totally creepy and now I’m a creepy old man. 

Damn you age!

Lastly, is Jessica Szohr, who plays some hot girl interested in some douche bag. Standard MO for this type of show. 

Hiiiiii cute girl! (Photo by Andrew H. Walker/Getty Images)

Hiiiiii cute girl! (Photo by Andrew H. Walker/Getty Images)

Anyway, this foxy lil lady has appeared on such high quality shows such as What About Brian? Which leads me to ask, what about Jessica. No way that show should have focused on anyone but Jessica here. I mean, look at her. Honestly.

 

So that’s been my obsession for the weekend. I even looked at Target.com to figure out if they had Season 2 on DVD yet. Apparently, season 2 is on the CW every Monday night. But had they, I would have made a trip down to Target just to pick up season 2 and some hair stuff. I need some new hair stuff, because I got a new hair cut at one of those “man spas” HairM. 

I don’t usually pay for haircuts, I usually take a set of clippers attach the number 2, and BAM! But in this rare instance I decided to hop on down to HairM and get not only a great hair cut (thanks short little asian lady with huge white clown shoes) but got a great scalp massage and beer. You see, I love the scalp massage. I’ve been to HairM three times, and all three times I have passed out asleep whilst getting said scalp massage. It’s glorious ladies, seriously. You should all take classes in how to do this so that you  when it comes down to it, you can help end world wars with a simple massage. 

The best part of this adventure to HairM was actually the day before at our Superbowl party where the discussion of frequenting an establishment such as HairM may be akin to frequenting a whore house. 

Me: So I’m getting my hair cut tomorrow at HairM
Friend: (suspiciously) Really?
Me: (picking up on said suspicion) Yeah, why?
Friend: Do they wax your balls there?
Me: (in shock) Well, I, mean, I haven’t exactly memorized all the services provided….. but…..
Friend: Well I was just under the impression that’s what they did there.
Me: Well I’ve only been a couple times, so I”m not  exac…. wait,  WHAT MAN GETS THIER BALLS WAXED?
Friend: (laughing hysterically) I dunno, just figured Guys did that and thats the place it would get done. 
Me: NO!! NO. NO NO. NO. NO NO NO NO. Nope.
Friend: (giggles)
Me: Seriously, I can’t imagine that being a service anywhere aside from International super spys.
Friend: Just figured that would be something that went down there.
Me: Are you implying it’s a whorehouse?
Friend: Well, maybe.
Me: Well, for your benefit, I’ll make sure to ask in between hair cut and head scalp I’ll slip in a little, “hey can I get my balls waxed?”
Friend: Why thank you.

So, as I sat their in my chair, I contemplated for a short second asking if HairM services include Ball waxing. Then I realized, what if they did. Then she would think I would be willing to get one. And I’m just telling you this one thing. No man should ever want his balls waxed. EVER.

Plus depending on the girl, that may be considered a pick up line.

But, of course to conclude my 30 birthday festivities my little clown shoed asian stylist stopped near the end of my cut to mention,

“you’ve got some hair on your ears, I’m going to shave it off. And one long one.” 

Thank you. Thank you very much for reminding me that my new faux hawk haircut cannot halt the slamming realization that I am indeed 30. 

Boo Yah Twenties. We had a good run. 

 

*This of course was not at all possible in high school, for I was not cool enough to be having sex. However, I was cool enough to be 5th in line at the movie theater when Star Wars was re-released. Yup. I am that awesome. Who knew that I was this cool BEFORE the blog.

As always email at
SaracasmAsAWeapon@gmail.com

Until next time….





Because It’s Normal To Have 25 Girls Want You At The Same Time…

10 01 2009

My friends, just like the title suggests, for any real man in this world, there is never, and I repeat NEVER a time in which 25 women want you at the same time. It just doesn’t happen. Celebrities, athletes, CEOs, Rock Stars, News Anchors, and former reality TV stars are all exempt from this rule.

So we have another installment of the bachelor. This time, the guy has a kid and was previously dumped by hottie DeAnna Pappas. Which, come on people, we all knew it was going down. She ain’t yo baby momma!!

So ABC pulls on the heart strings of all the women who fell in love with Jason on the bachelorette. And honestly, what girl with any kind of heart wouldn’t? He’s pretty much a ratings gold mine. Good man, single dad, got his heart broken at the “proposal spot.” (ps, I’m calling it that from now on. The proposal spot.)

Now all the women who watched this wretched show, now automatically feel as if they have some sort of connection with Jason.

Top 5 reason why this is true.
#1. All women have seen romantic comedies. All romantic comedies are formulaic, and after the big huge drama keeping the main characters apart, they somehow work it out and there is always a happy ending. This is the happy ending that all women are craving. Even ice queens.
#2. There is a kid involved. Have you ever noticed while watching SoapNet there are commercials for the needy kids in Africa? And ever notice how there are none of the same commercials during sporting events? That’s because kids pull at the heartstrings of women. Women love kids. Even ice queens.
#3. Dude was left at the “proposal spot” after thinking everything was hunky dory. Every women has been left at some where at some point when thinking everything was hunky dory. Even ice queens.
#4. He’s from Seattle. Women love Seattle. See #1 and please reference Sleepless in Seattle. HOLY SHIT… I just realized that this is a REAL life version of Sleepless in Seattle. Son of a Bitch.
#5. Women like winning. Wait, women like beating other women. Therefore by ultimately winning at this game you obtain a couple things
   5a. You beat 24 other women
   5b. you are getting married and those other losers are not.
   5c. you successfully landed what other women could not. Take that bitch.
   5d. you won a nice new diamond ring.
   5e. you won being a new baby momma. (Big win. Don’t have to go through that whole “pregnancy” thing, you know      getting fat, irritable, cankles, etc etc. Big win. Even for ice queens.)

With that being said, while I won’t be watching the show I will have plenty of girl friends watch the show and fill me in. What I will do, is play my own little bachelor. I shall go only by what their bio says on ABC.com and judge them without rhyme or reason. Please note that all actions that happen on the show will NOT be taken into account during this judgement.

Without further ado.

First 10 eliminated…

Oh, poor girls got a 7 Head.

Dominique - Oh, poor girls got a 7 Head.

looks like a sharpie attacked, and she fended it off with her forehead.

Emily - looks like a sharpie attacked, and she fended it off with her forehead.

26 my ass...

Jackie - 26 my ass...

Jillian - Oh honey. Glamour Shots is down the hall.

Jillian - Oh honey. Glamour Shots is down the hall.

Nicole - meh.

Nicole - meh.

Raquel - Your a Jewelry designer, so you shouldn't have any problem finding your own right. ps. your also old.

Raquel - Your a Jewelry designer, so you shouldn't have any problem finding your own right. ps. your also old.

Sharon - Too old.

Sharon - Too old.

Shelby - Says your 23, but I think it's more like 42. Plus she looks baked here.

Shelby - Says your 23, but I think it's more like 42. Plus she looks baked here.

Stephanie - 7 head and Old. Not a winning combination.

Stephanie - 7 head and Old. Not a winning combination.

Treasure - yup that's her name. Your a single mom in Utah. The Lord looks down on that.

Treasure - yup that's her name. Your a single mom in Utah. The Lord looks down on that.

So those are the first 10 women let go. Which now leaves me with 15 desperate beautiful women left to choose from. 

THE 15

Stacia - Single mom... I Ain't No Baby Daddy!

Stacia - Single mom... I Ain't No Baby Daddy!

Ann - Bonus points for being a Flight Attendant and hopes of the MHC, but not enough points.

Ann - Bonus points for being a Flight Attendant and hopes of the MHC, but not enough points. Plus I'm afraid her tooth might get caught on something... just sayin.

Nikki - I saw some pics on ABC.com, and it really is sad to see this rack go.

Nikki - I saw some pics on ABC.com, and it really is sad to see this rack go.

Lisa - Hoop Earrings are for sluts.

Lisa - Hoop Earrings are for sluts.

FINAL 10

Basically these girls all cancel each other out. All of them are average looking with average jobs and all about the same age… so in essence they cancel each other out.  Plus there is some crazy eye going on with some of them. 

laruenjulieericakarimolly

TOP 5

Megan - She kinda has a little Julie Cooper thing going on here... plus hoop earrings. Oh and a kid, I told you I Ain't No Baby Daddy!

Megan - She kinda has a little Julie Cooper thing going on here... plus hoop earrings. Oh and a kid, I told you I Ain't No Baby Daddy!

 

Natalie - I wish Natalie was from the south and had a southern accent. However she's from Chicago. I'm sad to see her go.

Natalie - I wish Natalie was from the south and had a southern accent. However she's from Chicago. I'm sad to see her go.

Naomi - Her name is I MOAN backwards. She's a flight attendant. Pretty obvious 3rd place I think.

Naomi - Her name is I MOAN backwards. She's a flight attendant. Pretty obvious 3rd place I think.

THE FINALS

Shannon - Says shes 29, but she looks 22 in this picture. Which means as she grows old, she going to Continue to be hot. This obviously something you have to think about. She's also a dental hygienist, and if you've ever seen porn, you know that's a good thing. She loses points for being from Kansas. Nothing good came from Kansas.

Shannon - Says shes 29, but she looks 22 in this picture. Which means as she grows old, she going to Continue to be hot. This obviously something you have to think about. She's also a dental hygienist, and if you've ever seen porn, you know that's a good thing. She loses points for being from Kansas. Nothing good came from Kansas.

Melissa - She's 25 from Dallas TX. Right there she's a little behind in points. However, she's a real cutie, and based on some insider information she is a Dallas Cowboys Cheerleader. With that being said, being a Cheerleader (not a base) is in essence Kryptonite to me. She's a couple years younger than Shannon so that's always a plus.

Melissa - She's 25 from Dallas TX. Right there she's a little behind in points. However, she's a real cutie, and based on some insider information she is a Dallas Cowboys Cheerleader. With that being said, being a Cheerleader (not a base) is in essence Kryptonite to me. She's a couple years younger than Shannon so that's always a plus.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

So who’s the winner? Well I can tell you one thing. I spent WAAAAY too much time looking at old Dallas Cowboy Cheerleading squads. Yeah, I found Melissa pretty quickly, but DAYUM. I’m not lying when I say I put in a good 25 minutes on the Cheerleaders website. You are very welcome for all the clicks by the way. 

However, I have a job to do. I have to pick my Bachelorette to be my one and only, so we could meet at the proposal spot, and there I would  give her a ring and ask her to marry me. And all the lonely women loyal viewers would all in unison, go awwwwweee…. with a little tear shed from their eye. 

After much deliberation, and time to myself, I finally have made a decision. The winner my friends… 

 

My Bachelor Winner!

My Bachelor Winner!

While many of the other contestants fought valiantly, Melissa brought her A game. And by her A game I mean pictures of her as a cheerleader. Seriously. She should carry those around with her. I told you… Its my Kryptonite. I can’t help it. Now, my only hope is that douche dad doesn’t actually pick her, and I can move to DFW and start my courting of Ms. Melissa. 

*sigh*

I hope you all enjoy the Bachelor this season. 
Make sure to catch it Mondays at 8pm 

 

Feel Free to email…
SarcasmAsAWeapon@gmail.com 

Until Next Time…





Extensions, Cougars, and Trannies… Oh My…

7 01 2009

At first, I thought I would do a little introduction, nay, quick bios on the 20 lucky ladies who are competing for my hero Bret Michaels heart on the new season of Rock of Love bus. Turns out Bret has some brains and realized that having girls compete for his affection in a multi-million dollar home was just ludicrous, because he spends most of his time on the road.

I can’t actually argue that point.

However, after completing the viewing of the first episode of Rock of Love bus, I decided that doing a bio, was unnecessary. In fact, I’m basically putting them into 3 groups. Names, occupations, intelligence are all irrelevant.

The First group….

THE HOT TRANNY MESS

The Biggest Hot Mess I've Ever Seen On a Reality Show. Seriously. VH1.com

The Biggest Hot Mess I've Ever Seen On a Reality Show. Seriously. VH1.com

When She Talkes, I Could Have Sworn I Heard A Dude. May Have Even Seen An Adams Apple. Vh1.com

When She Talks, I Could Have Sworn I Heard A Dude. May Have Even Seen An Adams Apple. Vh1.com

This Girl Looks Like A Girl I Worked With At Best Buy. The Girl I Worked With Mentioned One Day She'd Wake Up In A Gutter After A Long Night Of Drinking. I'm Thinking It May Be The Same Girl. VH1.com

This Girl Looks Like A Girl I Worked With At Best Buy. The Girl I Worked With Mentioned One Day She'd Wake Up In A Gutter After A Long Night Of Drinking. I'm Thinking It May Be The Same Girl. VH1.com

Piercing Both Your Dimples, Doesn't Make You Any Less a Man. VH1.com

Piercing Both Your Dimples, Doesn't Make You Any Less a Man. VH1.com

THE COUGARS

She Has A Masters Degree.... In Storytelling. She's Also A Hippie. I Hate Hippies. VH1.com

She Has A Masters Degree.... In Storytelling. She's Also A Hippie. I Hate Hippies. VH1.com


Huge Cougarific Rack. Like Huge. VH1.com

Huge Cougarific Rack. Like Huge. VH1.com


Porn Star. Cougar. Stalker. Should Be A Good Season. VH1.com

Porn Star. Cougar. Stalker. Should Be A Good Season. VH1.com


Serious Case of Crazy Eyes. VH1.com

Serious Case of Crazy Eyes. VH1.com


It's Like Suzie Orman/Susan Powter Wrapped Up In One Tiny Package. VH1.com

It's Like Suzie Orman/Susan Powter Wrapped Up In One Tiny Package. VH1.com


Penthouse Pet. Taya, You Think Your The First Girl In The History Of Penthouse To Only Wear A Cowboy Hat?!? Vh1.com

Penthouse Pet. Taya, You Think Your The First Girl In The History Of Penthouse To Only Wear A Cowboy Hat?!? Vh1.com

GIRLS I MIGHT MAKE OUT WITH AFTER A BOTTLE AND A HALF OF JACK

Your From Utah, Which Probably Means Your Just as Jack Mormon As I Am. VH1.com

Your From Utah, Which Probably Means Your Just as Jack Mormon As I Am. VH1.com


You So Straddled The Cougar/Make Out Line. It's Probably Cause Your High Maintenance That Kept You Out of The Cougar Group. Lucky You. Vh1.com

You So Straddled The Cougar/Make Out Line. It's Probably Cause Your High Maintenance That Kept You Out of The Cougar Group. Lucky You. Vh1.com


You Straddled The Tranny Line With Those Linebacker Shoulders. Vh1.com

You Straddled The Tranny Line With Those Linebacker Shoulders. Vh1.com


You Were So Normal! And Cute! Unfortunately, Our Rock of Love Tour Ended At The First Episode. Good Luck Having Your Shit Together, And Being A Nurse. What's Wrong With You?!? Vh1.com

You Were So Normal! And Cute! Unfortunately, Our Rock of Love Tour Ended At The First Episode. Good Luck Having Your Shit Together, And Being A Nurse. What's Wrong With You?!? Vh1.com

Now of course there are a couple girls I left out. One for length purposes. And some, well just cause I didn’t feel the need to put your pictures in. One I did leave out is another foreign giant, much like season 2. The Ukrainian beauty. However this one speaks worse english, is just as big, and is from Brazil. Should be awesome. Hopefully well get one or two great one liners solely based on her terrible english.

So no more mansion. These girls are now going to be pent up in Brets busses and he’s going to make them live the Rock Star life style. Which, as being a former Rock Star myself, we know consists of booze, strippers, busses, extensions (we all know Bret) synchronized periods, and collapsing in the middle of the street. And how we forget it wouldn’t be Rock of Love, bus or mansion, without Mud Bowl. Hallelujah for Mud Bowl 3!

So flash forward to Bret Rocking on stage and the girls being completely shit canned. Which is cool, because if there is anything more wild than the Bull Riding at the county fair, it’s the Bret Michaels concert at the grandstand. Two of the girls begin reliving their freshman year of college. All the while, the good patrons of Kentucky get two shows for the price of one. That my friends is a good summer. It got so bad, that at one point, the Penthouse Pet Taya stated….

“you know it’s bad when the Penthouse Pet is the classiest girl up there.”

That my friends are words to live by. If you are doing something in your life, and you wonder if it’s classy, embarrassing, or shameful, just ask yourself. WWPPD? What Would Penthouse Pets Do? And there is your answer.

But my friends, the classy didn’t stop there. Of course as Bret stated, there was a “time honored tradition” of the after show party. Hosted at none other than a place called Coyotes. (weird)

Now, I consider myself a pretty professional Reality TV watcher. I’ve seen some crazy shit. Some really off the wall, insane, completely inappropriate behavior. (83% has been on Rock of Love) Yet nothing, and I mean nothing prepared me for the insanity I was about to witness. Once Bret arrived, they decided it was time for body shots. Now I’ve been to my fair share of college parties. I’ve seen a Girls Gone Wild here and there, and from what I know, body shots are taken from the stomach, or the breast. Call me old fashion.

But alas, this day in age, the ladies have stepped up their game to snare themselves a man. Yes, ladies and gentleman, leave it to Rock of Love to have the first ever Vagina Shot. Now of course, seeing as how I didn’t pay for the hour long show, they didn’t actually show it happening, but the face on all the girls and even Bret Michaels was priceless. And you know, when Bret Michaels says “maybe you should slow your roll…” you’ve done some crazy shit.

That my friends is FACT.

So, the next day basically, more shit happens. They fight… one girl pukes, then immediately kisses Bret without his knowledge of the puking, a group of girls calls themselves Blondetourage (new word), and another girls chokes a bitch out…. true story.

Elimination comes and Bret knocks out the only girl who has a brain. One of my favorites, Stephanie. She was a nurse practitioner (real job) cute, blonde, and shy. Which obviously means because she has her shit together, she automatically kicked out.

Now, here are some words to live by….

“the two girls started making out, basically passing disease along.”
“you can’t break up the Blondetourage.”
“you’re a dude. and Bret Michaels doesn’t want to date a dude.”
“you were on my Free Pass list. And you were the only one… well Ed Norton was on there for a bit. But you’re still number one.”
“Take that Ed Norton.”

Check back next time when I rate the girls of The Bachelor.

email at
SarcasmAsAWeapon@gmail.com

Until Next Time…





Bachelorette…. Again?…..

9 11 2008

Sometimes when I’m walking down the street in this wonderful city I’m in, and I happen to be hanging out with someone who I feel has the same type of humor and or judging abilities, I like to play a little game.

The game is of course… “Who Could Do Better?”

Basically it’s pretty self explanatory. You, being the judgmental party that you are, notice other couples walking around you. When you notice a couple that doesn’t quite fit, you say out loud…. “who could do better?” And then the judging commences.

Often times, it’s the woman that could usually do better. As is the case of…..

DeAnna Pappas and the dude she picked. They were so odd in fact, I don’t even remember the dudes name. All I do know is she was WAY too hot to be with that dude. I didn’t watch the Bachelorette this year, or in previous years, but I did notice how smokin hot DeAnna was. So with that being said, here is an open letter for me and DeAnna to hook up.

Dear DeAnna.

You’re hot. I was thinking you could be my sugar momma in this relationship. I was trying to think about what I could actually bring to the relationship, and couldn’t really come up with anything. Aside from having a “real” job. I’m no snowboarder/skier or whatever that hippie did. I also live with my parents, which if you think about, could be beneficial to us saving all of your money. Lastly, I can cook a mean dish of Macaroni and Cheese. And on special occasions, best believe I’m breaking out the Spirals for you! I also was a volunteer for Special Olympics. Annnnnd I like dogs.

Sincerely,

me.

Well. There goes nothing. It’s now out in the world wide web. Hopefully she’ll come across this letter and realize we’ve been meant for each other. I mean, how could she not. I think that letter was full of inspiring things that we have in common. I have a lot to offer I believe.

Anyway, for those of you who are saying… you’re getting waaaaay ahead of yourself… here is the video of what’s his name. Being sad. Or something. I dunno.

*yawn*

Oh is it over?

I’ll leave all of you with this… a picture of the future Mrs. Me and what would only become the second love of my life… her car….

pacific-coastnewscom1

Heres hopin I never hear…. “Who Could Do Better?”

Until next time…

SarcasmAsAWeapon@gmail.com