Harry Potter’s A Little Bitch, and Another F.U. From Nature…

23 04 2008

First this is just a little short post. These two stories for some reason caught my attention.

The first is a little story about Danile Radcliffe, (AKA Harry Potter)

SYDNEY (Reuters) – Daniel Radcliffe, the actor behind the boy wizard Harry Potter, is hunting for a mystery Australian girl who cast a spell on him at a film awards party, local media reported on Monday.

Radcliffe, who started playing Potter in the popular Harry Potter movies when he was 11, has often spoken about not being able to find a girlfriend.

But Sydney’s Daily Telegraph Newspaper said Radcliffe, 18, now wanted help to track down a woman he met briefly at a film event in Australia.

“She stared at me all night and I was going to get her number and then I couldn’t find her,” Radcliffe told the newspaper.

“I must have walked around that party for an hour trying to look for this girl, like some sad pathetic dweeb, but it would have been worth it.”

The Daily Telegraph has started its own search for the mystery beauty, asking the young woman to contact the newspaper.

Reuters/Nielsen

Seriously?? WTF? Harry Potter can’t get his own women?? So he’s asking the world to put in a good word? YOU GO TO HELL HARRY POTTER! Seriously. How fair is that, that you get to ask the world to give you the introduction to some woman you didn’t have the balls to talk to in the first place? And why the hell didn’t you just go talk to her? I mean, it’s not like you can’t name drop….

Harry “Hello there.”
Sweet Hot Young Lady “hi.”
Harry “How are you?”
SHYL “I’m doing good. You?”
Harry “Im doing really good. I was curious why this is taking so long for us not to be doing it already?”
SHYL “I’m not sure I understand?”
Harry “You don’t know who I am?”
SHYL “Sorry, No.”
Harry “I’m Harry Potter?”
SHYL “I’m sorry who?”
Harry “You know, Harry Potter… there are books about me. Millions of adults and kids know me. There are video games, bedsheets, gifts sets, a vibrating magic broom for heavens sake. I have my own action figure!”
SHYL “still, I’m very sorry.”
Harry “Son of a bitch…… ABRACADABRA!”
SHYL “Holy Shit you’re Harry Potter! Let’s do it”

I’m a little pissed off that Harry gets to use the media outlets to find some hot girl he bitched out on saying hi to in the first place. I mean if it were any real guy he’d watch the young lady walk out of his life, then have to resort to MySpace stalking. Once he found her, he’d have to find some sort of way to send her a message without sounding/coming off stalkerish. Which you can’t, there is no way in hell to avoid that scenario, so basically you have to lie awake at night wonder what she’s doing, where she is, who she’s with… all the while being alone.

Apox on you Harry Potter and your Sorcerous ways!

If any of you have been reading along these days, you’ll remember a little piece I wrote about how mother nature is one cranky bitch. You can read about it here (Nature 2 Hippies 0). In fact if you want this to make any sense, you’ll probably have to. Well you don’t have to. I mean, I hope you could basically pick up on the title of the blog here with the article I’m about to copy…

How sad.

Stephan Miller, a 39 year old animal trainer from Big Bear Lake, CA, was attacked by a grizzly bear on Tuesday at the Predators in Action wild animal training center.

Two other handlers were working with the 5 year-old bear, named Rocky, when it attacked. The other two were able to pepper spray and subdue Rocky.

Luckily, there were no other injuries.

You’ve probably seen Rocky before. It’s the same grizzly bear featured in Will Ferrell’s film Semi-Pro, in which Ferrell appears to wrestle with the bear.

What could have gone so wrong???

Officials arrived to investigate the incident and Fish and Game spokesman, Harry Morse, said yesterday that his department would not decide whether Rocky would be euthanized since the attack occurred outside its jurisdiction.

It may be up to the San Bernandino county animal care officials to decide Rocky’s fate.

Poor thing. He didn’t asked to be locked up and trained like pet. He’s a wild animal, after all. You can’t really ever predict what they’re going to go.

Just ask Siegfried and Roy!

Eerily enough, Randy Miller, the owner of the training location and cousin of the attacked trainer, was quoted in the local newspaper in February as saying Rocky is “the best working bear in the business.” But continued by stating, “If one of these animals gets a hold of your throat, you’re finished.”

What will happen to poor Rocky???
(article from PerezHilton.com)

I wish more people in this world would listen to me. People, bears are wild animals. Wild animals live in nature. Nature is one cranky bitch. Seriously. Test her see what happens. And, if what happens, is what I told you happens, don’t think I won’t be posting Mother Natures scoreboard up! She’s currently undefeated and it doesn’t look like anyone is going to be bringing her down. Unless Father Time gets his act in gear, but he’s a dude, so we all know we’ve got PLENTY of time left.

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Letters To The Gym

18 04 2008

Morning all. I’m writing this so very a little hungover, so if it turns out not funny well then you can suck it!

Dear Lady,
It came to our attention that whilst running yesterday you happened to grunt loudly. At first we thought you were laughing while watching the View. Then we thought about the actual probability of that and realized that could not be possible. So based on our powers of deduction, you grunted through your entire work out. Which by our calculations (and sneaking a peak at your treadmill) lasted 3.2 miles and 25 minutes. Please try to a.) stop your grunting. b.) at least mute your grunting, because even PUSHING the headphones into our EARDRUMS did not cause the sounds to go away.

Thank you for your time.

Dear Nordstrom Shopper,
I couldn’t help but notice you’ve purchased a brand new peach Velour tracksuit. I know you told yourself that you wanted to get to the gym more. And I know while you were out shopping with a couple of your cougar friends that they all told you how cute that would look on you while you were working out, but I’ve gotta say, you’re no Jenny from the Block. And peach really isn’t your color. I do however applaud you for taking the time to pick out the perfect outfit, curl your hair, and put on a dash of makeup in hopes of catching the eye of your young trainer. Do work mam. Do work.

Thank you for your time.

Dear Sir,
Good day sir. We couldn’t help but notice that your cologne is actually choking the people running next to you. We here at the gym had no idea you were wanting to make such an impression. We also couldn’t help but noticing (after wiping away tears from our eyes cause your cologne was burning them) that your usual walking partner, your wife, is not with you today. This struck us as odd, but we then realized the reason for the cologne. We also couldn’t help but notice you were reading a gun magazine.

Pages and pages of guns.

Please disregard the aforementioned paragraph. We are giving you a free memebership and will do what we can to make you as happy as possible.

Thank you for your patronage.

Dear Zombie Walker,
We here at the Gym love a good Zombie movie! It looks as if you may have had a bit part in one of those Zombie movies. That’s great! What’s not so great is that you can’t pick your feet up when walking on the treadmill. We’re not sure if you’re a method actor, or training for a new part. What we are sure of is the fact that your shoes squeak with EVERY STEP! PICK UP YOUR GODDAMN FEET YOU’RE WALKING!

Our apologies. Sometimes our customer services isn’t what it used to be.

Thank you for your patronage.

Dear Texter,
Greetings valued member of our gym. We would first like to say it is a pleasure to have you paying your dues. We love it. In fact it’s so awesome that you pay your dues every month like you pay your cell phone bill every month. Heaven forbid you not bring your cell phone to work out. I mean, who cares that people are waiting for treadmills, and you keep stopping your “work out” to text people. Who cares that you told Sandy last week that she should have gone to the doctor for her “thing.” Who cares, that people are STILL waiting for the F’ing treadmill! Good lord, you’re not even hot, who could be calling you.

Again, the gym would like to apologize for that last comment. (although it’s true) We apologize, and would like to thank you for paying your membership fees.

Thank you for your patronage.

Enjoy the weekend everyone.





Beach Ready Body and the Internet is Boring.

2 04 2008

Hello my blogging friends.

If you’ve been following along with my blogs, you’ll know that I’ve recently dedicated myself to working out to obtain my beach ready body by the time summer comes. Which, I’m not sure why considering I don’t go outside. I hate being to hot. I’m afraid of the ocean. Hate public swimming pools. And generally despise most of the summer aside from chicks dressing slutty, (thank heavens for short shorts) Thirsty Thursdays (where most the slutty girls are) and Red Sox baseball games. (Where beer, slutty girls, and baseball collide for a maelstrom of goodness.)

But there I am every day Up In the Club, Just Workin on my Fitness. (ah thank you Fergie.) And I have to say it. I’m not seeing results fast enough. I’ve been inundated to believe that things these days should be instant. Instant messaging, instant pudding, instant rice, drive through windows, BlackBerry, syphilis, shopping on the internet, and instant news have given me a sense of false hope.

3 weeks at the club should leave me some sort of hope. Some itsy bitsy little thing that I can cling on too that things are working. I mean I wish I had a pair of “skinny jeans” (don’t think we don’t know about em) so that when I put them on and they fit, it would give me some sort of sign that all is right with the world. Alas, I am a boy so my jeans are already a size or two to big for me, which means every fucking pair are my skinny jeans. *sigh*

A couple things have transpired since working out at my gym.

#1. I’ve realized I’m still working out too early for Strippers to be at the gym. I guess the timing was all off in my head. Having never, EVER, been to a strip club in all my life, I didn’t realize what time they actually got done. I was figuring 2 am, maybe the latest 3 am. Then it dawned on me, that more than likely they get off work at 4-5 am. To get to the gym by 10 am on 5-6 hours of sleep, there is no way that would be possible. Plus, I’m pretty sure the coke may not have worn of in time to get in a decent cardio workout. Damn.

#2. Not all female trainers are hot. Some are old and leathery that tan too much.

#3. Working out after a long night of drinking is never really a good thing to do. Especially for me. I’ve unfortunately developed a nasty little drinking habit. My tolerance for Jack Daniel’s whiskey is insane. I’ve been known to finish a bottle at any given celebration. While I know this isn’t really a feat of skill by any means (college frat boys claim this every weekend. Although downing a fifth of Boone Farm is hardly any feat, especially if it’s Country Kwencher. It’s a real flavor I checked.) it’s the next day that I believe sets me apart from the others. See I don’t get hungover anymore when I drink Jack. Like none. Zip. Zero. It’s as if my liver has completely given up processing the alcohol. So when I go out, it takes a lot of Jack for me to get drunk. More than most. So the next day when I rolled into the gym, and about mile marker 1.75 the sweat kicks in and BAM! Alcohol comes gushing out of my pours, for not only me to smell but the unassuming people running next to you. I tried my best to keep it contained, but to no avail. I could smell Jack and I knew the girl and guy running next to me could too. And if any of you know the smell of Jack, you’ll know it’s not the most pleasant smell in the world. (Unless you’re me. Then you fucking love that smell.)

You’re welcome 24 Hour Fitness patrons.

So the other night, I was discussing with a friend that I felt like I was at the end of the internet. Basically what I mean is that I keep looking at the same websites over and over again. It’s actually a bit depressing. I feel like a 12 year old kid who just got home from school, and although I just recently talked to my friends at school, I have to go home and wear out the refresh button on my Safari web browser.The list includes Myspace, Facebook, PerezHilton, The Superficial, If Julie Fell, Yahoo!, my iGoogle, Hotmail, ESPN, Red Sox Homepage, Netflix, Craigslist, and my own blog. (Yeah, I look at my blog all the time! so what?)Just recently I’ve revisited a site that I love so very much. OverheardinNewYork.com is HILARIOUS.

Basically people submit random shit they’ve hear whilst in New York. Which got me to thinking last night, that maybe I don’t ever want to go to New York. I mean, they have all sorts of nicknames for shit left and right, and if you don’t know, no one is going to help you out. You’re just supposed to know already. Or at least that is the gist I get from reading some of the quotes. But how could the internet be wrong? It can’t be….

Anyway this site has spawned some spin off sites, such as OverheardAtthebeach.com, Overheardintheoffice.com and a celebrity spin off. They are fantastic. Here are a couple highlights that i enjoyed.

Office girl #1: Man, I’m really bored. I know what we should do… [Looks around] Aw, we don’t have any glue, do we?
Office girl #2
, confused and horrified: Um…

I think I found this more funny because it was from the city I live in. Classic.

Here’s another….
Cashier: Alright, so that’s going to be $47.68.
Customer: What? The book was $31.99!
Cashier: Ummm, actually, it was $44.99…
Customer: It says $31.99!
Cashier: I’m afraid you were looking at the American price, ma’am…
Customer: So?!
Cashier: We’re in Canada.
Customer, indignant: Well, I want to speak to a manager!
Cashier: Unfortunately, I don’t think he’ll be able to change global economy, but let me page him…

hilarious. and I love it. Points for you cashier.

My point of all this, is that I’m bored with the internet. I need your help people. I need some cool new sites that I can pour over and waste most of my day. So I’m no longer bored. I need the internet people. NEED! Go ahead send me a comment with a cool new page that you think I may like. I’d love to see what you all think. And Thank you…





Tag

27 02 2008

I’ve got a couple of friends that have blogs, and in checking up with them I was “tagged.” Meaning they filled out this little questionnaire and tagged me at the end and letting me know they’d like me to fill it out.

So, while on my friend JDubs blog www.ifjuliefell.wordpress.com I found myself “tagged” at the bottom. Make sure you click her page as well.

Without further ado….

4 Jobs I’ve Held:
1. Music Director at a Radio Station.
2. Promotions/Marketing Assistant.
3. High School Soccer Coach.
4. Best Buy Sales Associate.

4 Movies I’ve Watched Over and Over Again:
1. Swingers
2. Friday
3. Karate Kid
4. Star Wars/Indiana Jones

4 Places I’ve Been:
1. Las Vegas, Nevada
2. Boston, Mass.
3. Seattle, Wa
4. San Diego, Ca

4 Places I’ve Lived:
1. Portland, Oregon
2. Londonderry, New Hampshire
3. South Jordan, Utah
4. Pocatello, Idaho

4 TV Shows I Watch:
1. Chuck
2. Heroes
3. SportsCenter
4. Rock of Love

4 Radio Shows I Listen To:
1. After
2. Getting
3. Laid Off
4. None

4 Things I Look Forward To:
1. New Movies
2. March Madness
3. Red Sox Baseball
4. Free Pizza.

4 Favorite Foods:
1. Burritos
2. Pizza/Crazy Bread
3. Chinese Food
4. Macaroni and Cheese Spirals

4 Places I’d Rather Be:
1. Las, Vegas
2. Fenway Park
3. Old Trafford
4. a booze cruise.

4 People I email regularly:
1. The Boss Man
2. JDub
3. Stampy
4. CLO

4 People to Tag:
1. CLO
2. The SS News Anchor
3. Alicia
4. The Rest of my Sarcasians.





Bitches Wittier Than I.

26 02 2008

This whole blogoshpere world is new to me.

I mean I came from MySpace where little 12 year olds and people I’d known and talked shit about in high school read my blogs.

Now I’m a little more grown up and writing to the masses of people who constantly look for approval. Or just want to get something off their chest.

I can understand.

I’ve got millions of stories that I think could fill the pages of a blog.The key I suppose is how to relate to people.

You see, I pretty much hate people. I think a lot of people are stupid. I think America is creating an entire legion of stupid people. Hence why I use a lot of Sarcasm. Stupid people don’t get it. They think I’m being serious.

Like for example. In the airport on my way out of Vegas, my friends and I were all in the security line. Seperated by the retractable nylon rope, a young kid who had apparently just accomplished something shouted….. “I DID IT!”

to which I replied (albiet drunk/hungover/sleepily/sarcastically) “Yeah ya did.”

Now, people with above intellegence would have caught on to my subtle congratulatory way of rewarding this young spawn of stupid in a job well done! He haddone it. Although the it, is still in question.

Well Spawn of Stupids mother, Stupid, was none to please with my subtle congratulations to a job well done. She replied snidely “Yeah YOU did.” and shot me a menacing look.

I felt a strain on our relationship.

But this is just another example of how my sarcasm is left unrewarded. How I feel isolated in a world where because of the failing educational system in america people will slowly never know what it’s like to appreciate sarcasm.
Here are the top 5 reasons why people will never harness the power of sarcasm.
1.)Text messages. You can’t pick up on Sarcasm in text messages. Unless it’s from me, then 99% of mine are laced with it.

2.)IM Chats. My friends and have a special color for sarcasm. Kids these days are too lazy to do that.

3.) Email. You can’t say to your boss “you’re a dick” in an email without him thinking you’re serious.

4.) School. I don’t think the schools teach English anymore. Literally.

5.) Reality TV. Prime example is when Elodie congratulated the backstabbing Heidi (who just jacked her job) And Heidi was thankful. It was pure gold. Bitch thought she was serious in congratulating her. That my friends is sarcasm at its finest.

Anyway… I know this has gone on long enough. And it may even be a bit non-senseical (which I’m not sure is even a word) but I give credit where credit is due. People who use sarcasm should always be rewarded.

So here are some people (through the world of blogs) I have found to be sarcastic, and for the most part… wittier than I am. I some respects I feel like Anakin Skywalker as a boy and not realizing my potential. These people/blogs are Yoda and Obi-Wan Kenobi.

enjoy!
The Letter D: Best of D
The Superficial -Because You’re Ugly
Everything is Wrong With Me