SWAT…

23 01 2011

One who is familiar with this blog, would also know I may have a slight obsession with How I Met Your Mother. A tv show that is basically a love story in reverse. The father is telling the story of how he met his mother to his young kids all the while retelling stories from his youth about all the hi-jinx him and his friends would get into.

Well one of my favorites is non other than Barney Stinson. A one man wrecking crew as it comes to single (sometimes) ladies of New York City. Well, Mr. Stinson has quite the obsession with Laser Tag, and in a recent episode, was attempting to go to the finals of the Laser Tag championship. In taking on this quest, he asked his so called “best friends” Ted and Marshall to join, but seeing as how their awesomeness extends only to Wife-ing hot girls, and rocking a tweed sport coat like nobody’s business, they could not participate.

So Barney took to his blog to recruit some able bodied men… (and possibly some women, based on photos of themselves in a Princess Leia bikini.) I was one to take up this cause and take Barney’s team to the Championship and bring it home. For me. For Barney. And for the United States of America.

Without further ado… this is my application to join S.W.A.T. Stinsons Way Awesome Team.

I think i’m a shoe in.

Application to Stinson’s Way Awesome Team (SWAT)

Name: Withheld to protect the innocent.

Alias: Rocky, Rock, DoubleDown

Age: 30- Awesome

Weight and Height: 200 lbs. 5 foot 10

How many somersaults can you do in a row? Roughly 83

How many times have you watched “Die Hard”? Today? Like 3 times

Favorite Quote? Good morning. In less than an hour, aircraft from here will join others from around the world. And you will be launching the largest aerial battle in the history of mankind. “Mankind.” That word should have new meaning for all of us today. We can’t be consumed by our petty differences anymore. We will be united in our common interests. Perhaps it’s fate that today is the Fourth of July, and you will once again be fighting for our freedom… Not from tyranny, oppression, or persecution… but from annihilation. We are fighting for our right to live. To exist. And should we win the day, the Fourth of July will no longer be known as an American holiday, but as the day the world declared in one voice: “We will not go quietly into the night!” We will not vanish without a fight! We’re going to live on! We’re going to survive! Today we celebrate our Independence Day!

What’s your wing span? Long enough to hold a laser tag gun.

Do you own your own laser tag equipment? If so, what make and model? (Professional grade only, please) Scorpion Sub Machine Gun. Also, the model in the photo is wicked hot. http://www.battlefieldsports.com/submachinegun.htm

What martial art do you specialize in? I am actually not able to say. However, I shall let you know I am in a secret brotherhood sworn to protect our political heads, allies, and Harrison Ford.

How many years did you spend training on top of a mountain with a bushy-eybrowed old man? It took me 2 years to overcome the old man.

Did you eventually become the master? See above.

What’s your visual acuity? My visual acuity is so good, 99% of people cannot read the next few words….

Has your vision been enhanced by any sort of super-secret government nanotechnology? Also please see above about secret brotherhood. But yes.

Do you own a black turtleneck? indeed.

Does your family have a history of heart disease? (My lawyer says I have to ask this one) if by having a superhuman nanotechnoligically updated heart is a disease, then yes.

Did you grow up in a survivalist community or third world country where every day was a battle to survive? Indeed. I once killed a man just to watch him die. That and he wanted to kill me first.

If yes, did you use lasers to survive? Indubitably

What’s your favorite Mel Brooks movie? Spaceballs. The Movie.

If you answered anything other than “Spaceballs,” you can stop right here, because there’s no way you can be my partner.

Have you served in the military? Again, I am not liberty to divulge such information.

Was it one of the secret branches that you’re not supposed to talk about? No?

Did you use lasers? Super awesome ones, totally.

Can you incapacitate someone using only your pinky? Not everyone can?!? That’s shocking. I did not know that.

Would you have any moral objection to using your skills on a particularly annoying 14-year-old who’s walked away with the trophy three years running? One would say, if it’s been 3 years running, it’s about time he get knocked off his high horse…

How many corn dogs can you eat in a row? Mini : 25 Regular size: 13

NOTE: If you have boobs, tear up the application and just send a picture of yourself in Princess Leia’s gold bikini costume from “Return of the Jedi.”

I, the undersigned, residing in the county of Washington, state of Oregon, do hereby declare my intent to practice, train and participate in all laser tag related activities set forth by Barney Stinson and the Stinson’s Way Awesome Team (SWAT). I accept that submission of the above application represents my consent to participate in a Battle Royale and/or Capture the Flag to determine the most qualified applicant. I recognize the possibility of physical injury associated with said activity. I release, discharge and agree to hold harmless Barney Stinson, SWAT and his affiliated organizations and sponsors from any and all liability, claims or demands arising from my participation in the above programs, specifically to include any and all claims for personal injuries sustained while present or participating in the programs or traveling to or from events in the programs or while on trips sponsored by or in conjunction to the programs.

The undersigned have read and fully understand and agree to the forgoing.

X Removed to Protect the innocent
Applicant Signature

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2010 In Review…

19 01 2011

So basically, it’s been way too long since i’ve written in this blog. Which depresses me a bit. To be honest, a bit of my creative juices were wasted on my crappy ass job. I wasn’t happy and with that said the blog took a huge hit. I just didn’t have the energy to write.

Which is insanely sad because there were some pretty sweet adventures. Like the time I spent some time in Manchester England and got to see Manchester United play. (Which was EPIC. Went with my dad and we got the Hospitality package, and let me tell you… AMAZING! So amazing. Bucket list crossed off.)

Quickly after that, I was able to jaunt on down to San Francisco to hang with my great friend JDub, who had recently gotten a job with a pretty sweet advertising agency. We spent some time with her college friends, “The Slores” which, to be honest was pretty awesome. Great group of girls, that sadly, consider me just one of the girls. There were lots of stories about hooking up, relationships with dudes, peoples expertise, and all the while not giving a rats ass a “dude” was in their presence. But it was fun getting some insight into the ladies viewpoint… all the while getting drunk and heading out to watch the Oregon Ducks take on the Cal Bears. (Which, btw, Cal Memorial Stadium… worst. stadium. ever.)

While those were some amazing highlights, the greatest highlight came right around December, when I was offered a new job with an AMAZING company. So long to The Gym, hello National Non-Profit Company that helps battle some pretty ugly diseases. So I’m pretty stoked about that.

Seeing as how this is my blog, and I generally like to brag about how awesome I am, WordPress was kind enough boast my ego just a bit more by sending me my blog stats from the previous year. Which, just reinforced my already known assumptions… I’m awesome. And so is this blog.

Enjoy my awesomeness…

The stats helper monkeys at WordPress.com mulled over how this blog did in 2010, and here’s a high level summary of its overall blog health:

Healthy blog!

The Blog-Health-o-Meter™ reads Wow.

Crunchy numbers

Featured image

A Boeing 747-400 passenger jet can hold 416 passengers. This blog was viewed about 12,000 times in 2010. That’s about 29 full 747s.

In 2010, there were 7 new posts, growing the total archive of this blog to 93 posts. There were 29 pictures uploaded, taking up a total of 8mb. That’s about 2 pictures per month.

The busiest day of the year was January 7th with 299 views. The most popular post that day was Irish Wake Style… Pt.2.

Where did they come from?

The top referring sites in 2010 were facebook.com, twitter.com, sittingpugs.wordpress.com, search.aol.com, and teachermegpie.blogspot.com.

Some visitors came searching, mostly for rachel bilson, blake lively, arizona state girls, byu girls, and chelsea noble.

Attractions in 2010

These are the posts and pages that got the most views in 2010.

1

Irish Wake Style… Pt.2 September 2009
5 comments

2

How I Lose 10 Bucks Every March… March 2009
3 comments

3

V Day with Rachel Bilson… February 2009
3 comments

4

Mayonnaise Colored Benz, I Push Miracle Whips…. June 2008
2 comments

5

“A Very Special Blog Post…” April 2009
5 comments

Also, it’s good to know that in a world where searches are dominated by crazy hookers, whores, Blake Lively, College Girls, and Rachel Bilson… It’s good to know that a majority of people came here because I referenced Chelsea Noble…

One Hot Babysitter

Show Me That Smile Again….

Email Me…
SarcasmAsAWepaon@gmail.com

Until Next Time…