If At First You Don’t Succeed… “F” With Someone Else’s Head…

3 03 2009

Well, I’m not going to gloat and tell you I told you so….

But really… I told you so.

Way back in the month of January when this long process began, I picked the eventual winner of the Bachelor. Sweet little vixen Melissa was the girl I picked to win it all. And, for those of you watching at home, you’ll have already seen that I was right.

Sometimes I find it hard to say those words. I was right. It’s almost like a guilty pleasure. I was right. Of course being single I get to say those words as often as possible. Which is actually all the time. This being another prime example.

I can tell you, I didn’t watch one single episode aside from this last episode, and “After the Final Rose,” which I think would have been a lot more awesome with the audience participation. The bulk of my commentary comes based on “AfTR” episode in which we see a major twist, and the Bachelors most dramatic episode ever. (Their words not mine.)

However, I would like to point out, that hot little DeAnna Pappas must have needed some sort of TV time for her time of fame has run out, because she made an appearance to try and ruin things. I keep trying to tell her, that she chose the wrong dude in the first place.

Again, I was right. What the hell. Have no idea how that happens.

I previously wrote that I was hoping that Jason “the Dumbass” Mesnik (sp) wouldn’t choose the little Vixen in hopes of me packing up this laptop moving to Dallas and trying to woo her myself. However, my dreams were crushed for a mere 15 minutes.

After the happy couple is shown we are treated to “AfTR” in which we supposed to see how the happy couple has come along. Jason is introduced, and we are warned that this is the most dramatic and potentially damaging on peoples…..blah blah blah blah……

He begins by telling the host that is relationship has changed with the little Vixen Melissa. That in fact, he doesn’t believe that they should be together (yes! *fist pump* I mean, my bad, that sucks) anymore, that they are not right for each other. Out comes Melissa in a strikingly short, low cut dress befitting a hottie from The DFW. What transpires is a brutal 15 minutes of television where poor Melissa is crushed in front of millions of viewers (or according to the host, all of America).

I couldn’t help but want to console her. Let her cry on my shoulder. Let her express her feelings of anger and rejection, by dressing up as a Dallas Cowboy cheerleader and prance around my room. This of course would have to happen with the door open because I’m not allowed to have girls in my room.

Melissa than gave us a true glimpse into how angry and hurt she was, when she started to refer to herself in the third person. I half expected her to start the angry neck thing girls get going on and waving one finger. However, she remained a classy girl and just stuck to the third person. Which was kinda funny, alarming, and awesome all at the same time. (Ps, guys, if your girlfriend or wife begins referring to herself in the third person, find out what you did, profusely apologize, and find out how comfy the couch is. Or in Jason’s case, send her packing back to Dallas in a limo. BOO YAH!)

Finally, Melissa and Jason said their goodbyes, which weren’t very cordial. In fact, Melissa made it a point to let him know “don’t call me, and don’t text me anymore.” To which I couldn’t help but think, no matter how old you are, or who you’re saying that too, I believe you will always sound as if you are in 9th grade. However she did leave out, facebook, and myspace so I think she saved some face.

It is at this time I would like to write a letter to poor disheveled Melissa.
You may skip ahead.

Melissa,
Real sorry to hear about that douche Jason. I’m not going to lie, I’m kinda glad things didn’t work out. You see, I couldn’t help but notice you were a cheerleader. I happen to really like cheerleaders. You also wore a really short, low cut dress. I too like short low cut dresses (not on me. However I do have really nice legs.) In addition to that, I am unemployed, and you have a job. I like people who have jobs. You like reality TV. I like reality TV. And finally, you are really hot, and I like really hot people. So one can only deduce that with as much as we have in common, we should totally get together sometime. It’ll be my treat. My brother works at the movies, so we can see Oscar winner Slumdog Millionaire, (I figure you’ve been taping and haven’t gotten out much) go get some chalupas from Taco Bell (coupons provided from 100 point night at a NBA game) and get some drinks (you being as hot as you are, will score them from dudes who want to buy you drinks.) I know what you’re thinking…. what a perfect night out.
Think about it…. and you know…. text me.

Look How Cute She is!!!

Look How Cute She is!!!

I’m not one hundred percent sure, but I’m thinking Melissa and I would look mighty cute together.

So Melissa leaves heartbroken and in comes Molly, and to sum it all up quickly… she takes him back. But initially, he picked Melissa, as evidenced by the ring, so therefore I win. I also couldn’t help but feel I had just watched an episode of Degrassi.

I would like to take this moment, and acknowledge the host of this fine show. Chris Harrison I believe was his name. Lets take a look at his “Bro” moments in “AtFR” shall we…

#1. When tensions run high, and Melissa is about to give Jason what he deserves, Chris quickly takes a commercial breaks taking the heat off Jason. Bro Move.
#2. He then gives Jason a moment with Melissa to say good bye. And by good bye, as Bro’s we all know, he was giving Jason a chance to obtain what is known as break up sex. However, this was denied, evidenced by a shot of Melissa walking down the hall and to the limo.
#3. While questioning new potential GF for Jason, he does the ultimate set up by planting good thoughts of them getting back together.
#4. Molly gives Jason some real tough questions in which he has no answer. (Aside from saying I’m a jackass) Chris the host, realizes this, and according to Bro code, interrupts and states, “there is a reason Jason is here Molly.” Allowing Jason not to have to answer, and start talking sweet nothings to Molly. All in hopes of getting laid. Nice Bro.
#5. Toward the end, you can see Molly grappling with the idea of what is going on, when The Ultimate Bro steps in and asks Jason, “You gotta be in love with this girl?” To which Jason obviously replies yes, for he has seen the alley oop that his Bro has given him, and slams it down with authority.

My hope, is that one day, we can all live in a world where Bros. like Chris Harrison are in abundance. Where everyman is given the gift of a god like Bro with supernatural powers to give you an all expense trip to New Zeland to have sex with two hot girls. Where, the Bro shall always be in support of you in your endeavors fighting for good, and triumphing over evil. And if by chance this day shall come long after I am dead, well then I shall swoop down from the heavens, and sing like an angel. For brethren, we have all seen the light, and we have all seen what can be. And brethren, It. Is. Good.

Amen.

Until Next Time….

SarcasmAsAWeapon@gmail.com

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2 responses

3 03 2009
sittingpugs

I saw a few minutes here and there last night, including the part where Molly tells Jason he’s making a big mistake and he might get hurt. Camera quickly cuts to a zoomed-in medium shot (he’s looking at Molly, her back is facing the camera) and he responds, “All I gotta say is I think you’re wrong.” The inflection of his voice coupled with the way he was literally looking down at her resound notes of “that is cold.”

People change their minds all the time, though. Most of us just don’t have a nation-wide audience–not even with youtube and traffic cams and camera phones that may or may not be taping our every nose-pick, wedgie-pull, and whatever else one feels most comfortable doing in the privacy of one’s own abode.

8 04 2009
JBird

Dude… love the Bro code references! Now that you actually HAVE the code… you might be able to pick out a few more ๐Ÿ˜‰
~,~

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