Dirty 30 Gossip…

3 02 2009

It’s inevitable, and there is no way I could have stopped it. I tried.

I started giving myself a years head start. But to no avail.

I turned 30 this past weekend. The day after the Super Bowl, to which I’m blaming my aching body, not the fact that I am “old.” The aching might also have to do with the fact that 4 or 5 games of beer pong, may just be too many for a Sunday evening. Then I realized I have no job, or any real responsibility so why the hell not! Bring on the beer pong.

It was the next morning when I realized, I have no job, or real responsibility and I am now 30. I feel as if the only way one can really get away with that in this world is if they are a professional snowboarder/skateboarder/or former cast member of the Real World. And seeing as how my attempts at being a skateboarder ended at the tender age of 9 with a broken wrist, I don’t think I can claim professional skateboarder.

I’ve never really made a big deal of my birthday. I think it stems from having a gigantic family in which remembering a birthday let alone making a big deal of it, is a huge feat. It may also stem from the fact that I’m a male and in being one of those, events/details/anniversaries are widely forgotten.

This weekend was no different. (not the forgetting part, the actual making a big deal)

I would have thought that creeping close to 30 I would have let go of things that may not be targeted quite to my demographic. For example, it’s been well documented that I do love me some reality TV, and The Hills, 90210, and even the OC here and there. So, in the course of being male and forgetting small details, I had forgotten I have a pension for tv dramas that may be targeted at the 18-25 year old female demographic and decided to pop in season one of Gossip Girl.

Bad mistake my friend. Bad mistake. I had been told that in fact I would enjoy the show based on this premise.
#1. Hot girls. Check
#2. Good Music. Check
#3. And something else, I forgot. Check.

You see little did I know but you blend all of these factors together and you’ve got me hooked. I started disc one late saturday night, and finally finished mid evening on monday. Yes friends that was 20 hours of Gossip Girl watching in a weekend of Super Bowls and Birthday haircutsfestivities.

The obsession began with Serena van der Woodsen… aka Blake Lively.

 

hellllllooooo!

hellllllooooo!

(ps, now I know this picture is ridonkulously photoshopped making her look like a porn star  a little fake, but it’s one of the hottest ones. I mean, mens button up shirt. Skirt. Tie. Thats a win in my book.)

While she is quite the filly, there are moments where Im not sure she’s hot. And then she is. And then she’s not. And then she is. Basically she plays yo-yo with the hot/not hot line, and slightly leaning staying on the hot side. I believe her incredibly preppy outfits she rocks on an episode to episode basis remind me of a J.Crew add, which lets be honest, who doesn’t love J.Crew. 

Plus Blake was also in Sisterhood of the Traveling pants, and I’ve been racking my brain trying to figure out a joke about Blake and my pants, but I keep coming up empty. 

After becoming smitten with Serena van der Woodsen I couldn’t help but notice relatively new commer Taylor Momsen. 
taylormomsen

Upon further review, (and a diligent search on IMDB.com) I’ve come to the conclusion Taylor is not quite of age for me to be macking on. In fact, based on some loose math and the laws of gestation, I’m pretty sure that if I had gotten a girl pregnant in high school* I could in fact have a daughter the age of Taylor. Which is sad, because now I’m that creepy guy. Which I could have totally gotten away with in my 20’s. However seeing as how I’m now 30, this is totally creepy and now I’m a creepy old man. 

Damn you age!

Lastly, is Jessica Szohr, who plays some hot girl interested in some douche bag. Standard MO for this type of show. 

Hiiiiii cute girl! (Photo by Andrew H. Walker/Getty Images)

Hiiiiii cute girl! (Photo by Andrew H. Walker/Getty Images)

Anyway, this foxy lil lady has appeared on such high quality shows such as What About Brian? Which leads me to ask, what about Jessica. No way that show should have focused on anyone but Jessica here. I mean, look at her. Honestly.

 

So that’s been my obsession for the weekend. I even looked at Target.com to figure out if they had Season 2 on DVD yet. Apparently, season 2 is on the CW every Monday night. But had they, I would have made a trip down to Target just to pick up season 2 and some hair stuff. I need some new hair stuff, because I got a new hair cut at one of those “man spas” HairM. 

I don’t usually pay for haircuts, I usually take a set of clippers attach the number 2, and BAM! But in this rare instance I decided to hop on down to HairM and get not only a great hair cut (thanks short little asian lady with huge white clown shoes) but got a great scalp massage and beer. You see, I love the scalp massage. I’ve been to HairM three times, and all three times I have passed out asleep whilst getting said scalp massage. It’s glorious ladies, seriously. You should all take classes in how to do this so that you  when it comes down to it, you can help end world wars with a simple massage. 

The best part of this adventure to HairM was actually the day before at our Superbowl party where the discussion of frequenting an establishment such as HairM may be akin to frequenting a whore house. 

Me: So I’m getting my hair cut tomorrow at HairM
Friend: (suspiciously) Really?
Me: (picking up on said suspicion) Yeah, why?
Friend: Do they wax your balls there?
Me: (in shock) Well, I, mean, I haven’t exactly memorized all the services provided….. but…..
Friend: Well I was just under the impression that’s what they did there.
Me: Well I’ve only been a couple times, so I”m not  exac…. wait,  WHAT MAN GETS THIER BALLS WAXED?
Friend: (laughing hysterically) I dunno, just figured Guys did that and thats the place it would get done. 
Me: NO!! NO. NO NO. NO. NO NO NO NO. Nope.
Friend: (giggles)
Me: Seriously, I can’t imagine that being a service anywhere aside from International super spys.
Friend: Just figured that would be something that went down there.
Me: Are you implying it’s a whorehouse?
Friend: Well, maybe.
Me: Well, for your benefit, I’ll make sure to ask in between hair cut and head scalp I’ll slip in a little, “hey can I get my balls waxed?”
Friend: Why thank you.

So, as I sat their in my chair, I contemplated for a short second asking if HairM services include Ball waxing. Then I realized, what if they did. Then she would think I would be willing to get one. And I’m just telling you this one thing. No man should ever want his balls waxed. EVER.

Plus depending on the girl, that may be considered a pick up line.

But, of course to conclude my 30 birthday festivities my little clown shoed asian stylist stopped near the end of my cut to mention,

“you’ve got some hair on your ears, I’m going to shave it off. And one long one.” 

Thank you. Thank you very much for reminding me that my new faux hawk haircut cannot halt the slamming realization that I am indeed 30. 

Boo Yah Twenties. We had a good run. 

 

*This of course was not at all possible in high school, for I was not cool enough to be having sex. However, I was cool enough to be 5th in line at the movie theater when Star Wars was re-released. Yup. I am that awesome. Who knew that I was this cool BEFORE the blog.

As always email at
SaracasmAsAWeapon@gmail.com

Until next time….

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4 responses

4 02 2009
Miss E

Um, YES you were cool enough to be having sex, but you were even cooler for choosing not to. Love ya!

E

4 02 2009
raqz

pobrecito… i still think your great, ear hair & all

8 02 2009
Hair M #1 Fan

http://www.hairmgrooming.com/000258.shtml

“Pricing depends on hair coverage.” I think we all know what that means.

8 04 2009
JBird

hahah my wax lady used to tell me stories about men getting waxed “down there” and, YES, it happens- and, like you can imagine, is not a pretty site!
~,~

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