Noooooooooo!!!!!…

18 02 2009

DAMN YOU PEREZ HILTON!!!

DAMN YOU! You effectively ruined my day! 

rachel_bilson1

Maybe she’s not a beard after all??? Congrats to actress/fashionista Rachel Bilson and her actor beau, Hayden Christensen.

The duo got engaged in December and the news is just leaking now! A friend babbled, “They’re so excited! They’re a great couple.

Rachel seems thrilled beyond belief.” A wedding date has yet to be set. We can’t wait to see what Miz Bilson chooses to wear!


I’m at a loss of words. (Thats not true, I just figure people say that for dramatic effect) Are you serious?!? Surely you can’t be serious Ms. Bilson. I mean…. WTF?

DId you SEE Jumper? I did! It was on VALENTINES DAY! I guess you’ve already forgotten the time we spent together haven’t you Rach?? It just hurts.

Hadyen Christensen? For reals?

Did you not see what he did to Padme? Yeah he killed her! Now, granted this may have happened in a Galaxy Far, Far Away, and it may not be 100% real, but for fuck sake!

He took out Natalie Portman (huge sin among geeks), dismantled the Jedi Order (even bigger sin among geeks), and became Darth Vader (Somewhat cool for geeks. Not so much Hayden becomeing Darth Vader, but Darth Vader in general). I’m not sure if you’ve noticed, but I’m pretty sure it’s going to be really hard to make out with that mask on Rach!

Someone help her out. More than likely Hayden has picked up a little knowledge of the Force and is now brain washing her! Quick, I need a Jedi, and I need one NOW! Get over to Ms. Bilson’s house and start some Jedi mind shit to make her see the light.

Plus, do some IMDBing Rachel. Did you know he was in Life as A House? What a pussy.

Lord I’m pissed.

Hadyen Christensen again ruining my life. First it was the Star Wars movies, now it’s taking Rachel Bilson.

A pox on you Hayden Christensen! A POX!

More on my love of Rachel Bilson Here…

Untill Next time…

SarcasmAsAWeapon@gmail.com

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V Day with Rachel Bilson…

15 02 2009

First, I wanted to let the millions three readers that I have know, that I updated my “about me” section so that the next time I go off and judge 25 women based solely on their looks, you can now email me and call me an asshat.

And based on my wit, the return email will probably go something like this….

To: SarcasmFan
From: DoubleDown
Subject: RE: Judging women

Dear Fan,
YOU’RE an asshat.

Thank you for reading.


 

 

With that out of the way, I figured I’d update my friends with how I spent my Valentines. As per usual, I really hate Valentines Day as a whole. I really think that it’s pretty much shallow and commercial. And believe me, I’m not one of those people who hates commercialism. I’m totally cool with it. In fact I embrace it for all it’s worth. Christmas being commercialized.. Awesome! Just as long as I’m getting in on some of the action.

This however is not the case on Valentines Day. For I am not getting in on ANY action. Therefore, Valentines Day sucks.

I’ve been fighting off a cold the last couple of days, so at night I’ve been taking night time cold medicine which pretty much knocks me out till noon the next day. In addition to that, I’m also insanely groggy because of it. Therefore I hadn’t really realized that our doorbell had rang 10 minutes after I had gotten up.

However, after the drug induced haze had left me, I quickly remembered that the doorbell had indeed rung 20 minutes ago, and I hadn’t heard the door close. (We have a large door to our house, and no matter where you are in the house you can hear it close.) So I left my perch up stairs and came unto our landing to see my little sister holding the door open, and a BOY standing outside on our doorstep.

sidebar: For those of you who don’t know, I’m VERY protective of my little sister. I, being a boy at one point, know exactly what boys have on their mind. In addition I also coach High School soccer at the same school she attends. Which allows me to know exactly what the boys are talking about. And I’m going to let you in on a secret. Boys are dirty.

So it displeased me a great deal. To notice said boy lurking about our house. Dropping off valentines to my little sister. As I rounded past the open door, I made sure that he saw me. We made eye contact, to which I believe said…

MyEyeContact: Don’t think I don’t see you there. Even though I just woke up and may not look it, I’m effing crazy! I’ve killed people for less than what your doing.
HisEyeContact: ooooooh shit. Big brother.
MyEyeContact: Damn straight.
HisEyeContact: Look at the ground.
MyEyeContact: Dude, sweet blazer though. Nicely done.

I felt as if the eye contact of death was enough. I’m pretty sure I got my point across, however what I really wanted to do is this….

Turns out, he brought her a rose, a valentine, and some candy or some shit.

And for all of you stop saying… awweeee that’s cute.
That shit aint cute. Dressin all snazzy dropping off Valentines. Damn.

The rest of my Valentines Day was fairly uneventful. I met up with a friend of mine from high school for some drinks which were intended to be for my birthday, but seeing as how some people have a job they can’t always find a ton of time to get drinks.

It was very cool, however, I told my friend “Belle” (she to this day still has a thing for Disney princesses, although by definition, I don’t think Belle was actually a princess) about the story of my young sisters new suitor. She responded by saying “be nice to her.” Which I respectfully disagreed with.

We had great conversation, especially when the couple next to us sat down. The woman was wearing a wedding ring, while the gentleman next to her was not. Seeing as how my friend Belle is married, we got on the topic of conversation about wearing a wedding ring etc etc.

At this point, Belle got a little heated, and may or may not have been calling the gentleman next to us a “dick” for not wearing a ring. Obviously not to his face or directly, but in the context of the conversation. I found it hilarious, because every time she would mention his charcater, she would said “he’s a dick!” quite loudly.

After some time passed and conversations changed, I noticed that I was indeed wrong. That the woman next to the gentleman was in fact NOT wearing a ring. To which I giggled to myself. And no, I didn’t tell Belle, because I thought her commentary on the fact was hilarious.

After drinks with Belle, I stopped by my happy place. Best Buy. I actually got quite the chuckle at seeing a couple couples hanging out at Best Buy. Heads up guys. For any of you reading this, based on some of the expressions of the ladies that were at Best Buy, taking them there on a Valentines date, not a good idea.

One couple, the young man was taking down death glares left and right as he poured over Car stereo information. I could just see him dropping 200 bucks for a new Car Stereo then taking the young lass over to Chipotle for 2 burritos, and a bag of chips. That made me laugh internally.

Another couple was in the DVD section trying to pick out a movie for the night. I could tell who was leading the charge based on the movies they were looking at. The Notebook, Pretty Woman, Sleepless in Seattle, and so on. Poor guy, kept turning his head and watching the big screen displays. Hoping and praying at some point he was able to make it home and watch the All Star festivities. Hate to break it to you young man, but in no way shape or form are you watching Dwight Howard lose the dunk contest to little Nate Robinson. Enjoy the Notebook dude, heres hoping you get those 123 minutes of your life back.

I left the Best Buy empty handed and without completing any retail therapy. I resisted the urge of treating myself to dinner from 5 Guys Burgers and Fries, went home and decided to finish off watching the NBA All-Star festivities and find a movie on TV.

I came across Jumper. A movie I had always wanted to watch but never had any desire to make the effort to watch. In said movie is a girl, I’ve always had a little crush on, but I’m pretty sure she’s making her way into my top 5.

That’s right, little Rachel Bilson.
rachel_bilson1

I’m pretty sure were the perfect fit. She’s short, brunette, spritely (trying to use that word more often) seems really down to earth, and based on an extensive google image search always dresses cute. Which are all qualities that fit me perfectly.

Plus, she acted like she was interested in guys who like sarcasm (Summer on the OC.) and appeared in a show in which she fell for a geek (Chuck) So based on those two parameters, I’m pretty sure she’d totally dig me.

So if any of you know Rachel Bilson, I’d soooo totally love an introduction. Then we can make out, talk about Geek stuff, be sarcastic and live happily ever after.

That last sentence reminded me why I don’t like boys talking to my sister.

Happy Valentines day to me!

Until next time.

SarcasmAsAWeapon@gmail.com





Dirty 30 Gossip…

3 02 2009

It’s inevitable, and there is no way I could have stopped it. I tried.

I started giving myself a years head start. But to no avail.

I turned 30 this past weekend. The day after the Super Bowl, to which I’m blaming my aching body, not the fact that I am “old.” The aching might also have to do with the fact that 4 or 5 games of beer pong, may just be too many for a Sunday evening. Then I realized I have no job, or any real responsibility so why the hell not! Bring on the beer pong.

It was the next morning when I realized, I have no job, or real responsibility and I am now 30. I feel as if the only way one can really get away with that in this world is if they are a professional snowboarder/skateboarder/or former cast member of the Real World. And seeing as how my attempts at being a skateboarder ended at the tender age of 9 with a broken wrist, I don’t think I can claim professional skateboarder.

I’ve never really made a big deal of my birthday. I think it stems from having a gigantic family in which remembering a birthday let alone making a big deal of it, is a huge feat. It may also stem from the fact that I’m a male and in being one of those, events/details/anniversaries are widely forgotten.

This weekend was no different. (not the forgetting part, the actual making a big deal)

I would have thought that creeping close to 30 I would have let go of things that may not be targeted quite to my demographic. For example, it’s been well documented that I do love me some reality TV, and The Hills, 90210, and even the OC here and there. So, in the course of being male and forgetting small details, I had forgotten I have a pension for tv dramas that may be targeted at the 18-25 year old female demographic and decided to pop in season one of Gossip Girl.

Bad mistake my friend. Bad mistake. I had been told that in fact I would enjoy the show based on this premise.
#1. Hot girls. Check
#2. Good Music. Check
#3. And something else, I forgot. Check.

You see little did I know but you blend all of these factors together and you’ve got me hooked. I started disc one late saturday night, and finally finished mid evening on monday. Yes friends that was 20 hours of Gossip Girl watching in a weekend of Super Bowls and Birthday haircutsfestivities.

The obsession began with Serena van der Woodsen… aka Blake Lively.

 

hellllllooooo!

hellllllooooo!

(ps, now I know this picture is ridonkulously photoshopped making her look like a porn star  a little fake, but it’s one of the hottest ones. I mean, mens button up shirt. Skirt. Tie. Thats a win in my book.)

While she is quite the filly, there are moments where Im not sure she’s hot. And then she is. And then she’s not. And then she is. Basically she plays yo-yo with the hot/not hot line, and slightly leaning staying on the hot side. I believe her incredibly preppy outfits she rocks on an episode to episode basis remind me of a J.Crew add, which lets be honest, who doesn’t love J.Crew. 

Plus Blake was also in Sisterhood of the Traveling pants, and I’ve been racking my brain trying to figure out a joke about Blake and my pants, but I keep coming up empty. 

After becoming smitten with Serena van der Woodsen I couldn’t help but notice relatively new commer Taylor Momsen. 
taylormomsen

Upon further review, (and a diligent search on IMDB.com) I’ve come to the conclusion Taylor is not quite of age for me to be macking on. In fact, based on some loose math and the laws of gestation, I’m pretty sure that if I had gotten a girl pregnant in high school* I could in fact have a daughter the age of Taylor. Which is sad, because now I’m that creepy guy. Which I could have totally gotten away with in my 20’s. However seeing as how I’m now 30, this is totally creepy and now I’m a creepy old man. 

Damn you age!

Lastly, is Jessica Szohr, who plays some hot girl interested in some douche bag. Standard MO for this type of show. 

Hiiiiii cute girl! (Photo by Andrew H. Walker/Getty Images)

Hiiiiii cute girl! (Photo by Andrew H. Walker/Getty Images)

Anyway, this foxy lil lady has appeared on such high quality shows such as What About Brian? Which leads me to ask, what about Jessica. No way that show should have focused on anyone but Jessica here. I mean, look at her. Honestly.

 

So that’s been my obsession for the weekend. I even looked at Target.com to figure out if they had Season 2 on DVD yet. Apparently, season 2 is on the CW every Monday night. But had they, I would have made a trip down to Target just to pick up season 2 and some hair stuff. I need some new hair stuff, because I got a new hair cut at one of those “man spas” HairM. 

I don’t usually pay for haircuts, I usually take a set of clippers attach the number 2, and BAM! But in this rare instance I decided to hop on down to HairM and get not only a great hair cut (thanks short little asian lady with huge white clown shoes) but got a great scalp massage and beer. You see, I love the scalp massage. I’ve been to HairM three times, and all three times I have passed out asleep whilst getting said scalp massage. It’s glorious ladies, seriously. You should all take classes in how to do this so that you  when it comes down to it, you can help end world wars with a simple massage. 

The best part of this adventure to HairM was actually the day before at our Superbowl party where the discussion of frequenting an establishment such as HairM may be akin to frequenting a whore house. 

Me: So I’m getting my hair cut tomorrow at HairM
Friend: (suspiciously) Really?
Me: (picking up on said suspicion) Yeah, why?
Friend: Do they wax your balls there?
Me: (in shock) Well, I, mean, I haven’t exactly memorized all the services provided….. but…..
Friend: Well I was just under the impression that’s what they did there.
Me: Well I’ve only been a couple times, so I”m not  exac…. wait,  WHAT MAN GETS THIER BALLS WAXED?
Friend: (laughing hysterically) I dunno, just figured Guys did that and thats the place it would get done. 
Me: NO!! NO. NO NO. NO. NO NO NO NO. Nope.
Friend: (giggles)
Me: Seriously, I can’t imagine that being a service anywhere aside from International super spys.
Friend: Just figured that would be something that went down there.
Me: Are you implying it’s a whorehouse?
Friend: Well, maybe.
Me: Well, for your benefit, I’ll make sure to ask in between hair cut and head scalp I’ll slip in a little, “hey can I get my balls waxed?”
Friend: Why thank you.

So, as I sat their in my chair, I contemplated for a short second asking if HairM services include Ball waxing. Then I realized, what if they did. Then she would think I would be willing to get one. And I’m just telling you this one thing. No man should ever want his balls waxed. EVER.

Plus depending on the girl, that may be considered a pick up line.

But, of course to conclude my 30 birthday festivities my little clown shoed asian stylist stopped near the end of my cut to mention,

“you’ve got some hair on your ears, I’m going to shave it off. And one long one.” 

Thank you. Thank you very much for reminding me that my new faux hawk haircut cannot halt the slamming realization that I am indeed 30. 

Boo Yah Twenties. We had a good run. 

 

*This of course was not at all possible in high school, for I was not cool enough to be having sex. However, I was cool enough to be 5th in line at the movie theater when Star Wars was re-released. Yup. I am that awesome. Who knew that I was this cool BEFORE the blog.

As always email at
SaracasmAsAWeapon@gmail.com

Until next time….