Extensions, Cougars, and Trannies… Oh My…

7 01 2009

At first, I thought I would do a little introduction, nay, quick bios on the 20 lucky ladies who are competing for my hero Bret Michaels heart on the new season of Rock of Love bus. Turns out Bret has some brains and realized that having girls compete for his affection in a multi-million dollar home was just ludicrous, because he spends most of his time on the road.

I can’t actually argue that point.

However, after completing the viewing of the first episode of Rock of Love bus, I decided that doing a bio, was unnecessary. In fact, I’m basically putting them into 3 groups. Names, occupations, intelligence are all irrelevant.

The First group….

THE HOT TRANNY MESS

The Biggest Hot Mess I've Ever Seen On a Reality Show. Seriously. VH1.com

The Biggest Hot Mess I've Ever Seen On a Reality Show. Seriously. VH1.com

When She Talkes, I Could Have Sworn I Heard A Dude. May Have Even Seen An Adams Apple. Vh1.com

When She Talks, I Could Have Sworn I Heard A Dude. May Have Even Seen An Adams Apple. Vh1.com

This Girl Looks Like A Girl I Worked With At Best Buy. The Girl I Worked With Mentioned One Day She'd Wake Up In A Gutter After A Long Night Of Drinking. I'm Thinking It May Be The Same Girl. VH1.com

This Girl Looks Like A Girl I Worked With At Best Buy. The Girl I Worked With Mentioned One Day She'd Wake Up In A Gutter After A Long Night Of Drinking. I'm Thinking It May Be The Same Girl. VH1.com

Piercing Both Your Dimples, Doesn't Make You Any Less a Man. VH1.com

Piercing Both Your Dimples, Doesn't Make You Any Less a Man. VH1.com

THE COUGARS

She Has A Masters Degree.... In Storytelling. She's Also A Hippie. I Hate Hippies. VH1.com

She Has A Masters Degree.... In Storytelling. She's Also A Hippie. I Hate Hippies. VH1.com


Huge Cougarific Rack. Like Huge. VH1.com

Huge Cougarific Rack. Like Huge. VH1.com


Porn Star. Cougar. Stalker. Should Be A Good Season. VH1.com

Porn Star. Cougar. Stalker. Should Be A Good Season. VH1.com


Serious Case of Crazy Eyes. VH1.com

Serious Case of Crazy Eyes. VH1.com


It's Like Suzie Orman/Susan Powter Wrapped Up In One Tiny Package. VH1.com

It's Like Suzie Orman/Susan Powter Wrapped Up In One Tiny Package. VH1.com


Penthouse Pet. Taya, You Think Your The First Girl In The History Of Penthouse To Only Wear A Cowboy Hat?!? Vh1.com

Penthouse Pet. Taya, You Think Your The First Girl In The History Of Penthouse To Only Wear A Cowboy Hat?!? Vh1.com

GIRLS I MIGHT MAKE OUT WITH AFTER A BOTTLE AND A HALF OF JACK

Your From Utah, Which Probably Means Your Just as Jack Mormon As I Am. VH1.com

Your From Utah, Which Probably Means Your Just as Jack Mormon As I Am. VH1.com


You So Straddled The Cougar/Make Out Line. It's Probably Cause Your High Maintenance That Kept You Out of The Cougar Group. Lucky You. Vh1.com

You So Straddled The Cougar/Make Out Line. It's Probably Cause Your High Maintenance That Kept You Out of The Cougar Group. Lucky You. Vh1.com


You Straddled The Tranny Line With Those Linebacker Shoulders. Vh1.com

You Straddled The Tranny Line With Those Linebacker Shoulders. Vh1.com


You Were So Normal! And Cute! Unfortunately, Our Rock of Love Tour Ended At The First Episode. Good Luck Having Your Shit Together, And Being A Nurse. What's Wrong With You?!? Vh1.com

You Were So Normal! And Cute! Unfortunately, Our Rock of Love Tour Ended At The First Episode. Good Luck Having Your Shit Together, And Being A Nurse. What's Wrong With You?!? Vh1.com

Now of course there are a couple girls I left out. One for length purposes. And some, well just cause I didn’t feel the need to put your pictures in. One I did leave out is another foreign giant, much like season 2. The Ukrainian beauty. However this one speaks worse english, is just as big, and is from Brazil. Should be awesome. Hopefully well get one or two great one liners solely based on her terrible english.

So no more mansion. These girls are now going to be pent up in Brets busses and he’s going to make them live the Rock Star life style. Which, as being a former Rock Star myself, we know consists of booze, strippers, busses, extensions (we all know Bret) synchronized periods, and collapsing in the middle of the street. And how we forget it wouldn’t be Rock of Love, bus or mansion, without Mud Bowl. Hallelujah for Mud Bowl 3!

So flash forward to Bret Rocking on stage and the girls being completely shit canned. Which is cool, because if there is anything more wild than the Bull Riding at the county fair, it’s the Bret Michaels concert at the grandstand. Two of the girls begin reliving their freshman year of college. All the while, the good patrons of Kentucky get two shows for the price of one. That my friends is a good summer. It got so bad, that at one point, the Penthouse Pet Taya stated….

“you know it’s bad when the Penthouse Pet is the classiest girl up there.”

That my friends are words to live by. If you are doing something in your life, and you wonder if it’s classy, embarrassing, or shameful, just ask yourself. WWPPD? What Would Penthouse Pets Do? And there is your answer.

But my friends, the classy didn’t stop there. Of course as Bret stated, there was a “time honored tradition” of the after show party. Hosted at none other than a place called Coyotes. (weird)

Now, I consider myself a pretty professional Reality TV watcher. I’ve seen some crazy shit. Some really off the wall, insane, completely inappropriate behavior. (83% has been on Rock of Love) Yet nothing, and I mean nothing prepared me for the insanity I was about to witness. Once Bret arrived, they decided it was time for body shots. Now I’ve been to my fair share of college parties. I’ve seen a Girls Gone Wild here and there, and from what I know, body shots are taken from the stomach, or the breast. Call me old fashion.

But alas, this day in age, the ladies have stepped up their game to snare themselves a man. Yes, ladies and gentleman, leave it to Rock of Love to have the first ever Vagina Shot. Now of course, seeing as how I didn’t pay for the hour long show, they didn’t actually show it happening, but the face on all the girls and even Bret Michaels was priceless. And you know, when Bret Michaels says “maybe you should slow your roll…” you’ve done some crazy shit.

That my friends is FACT.

So, the next day basically, more shit happens. They fight… one girl pukes, then immediately kisses Bret without his knowledge of the puking, a group of girls calls themselves Blondetourage (new word), and another girls chokes a bitch out…. true story.

Elimination comes and Bret knocks out the only girl who has a brain. One of my favorites, Stephanie. She was a nurse practitioner (real job) cute, blonde, and shy. Which obviously means because she has her shit together, she automatically kicked out.

Now, here are some words to live by….

“the two girls started making out, basically passing disease along.”
“you can’t break up the Blondetourage.”
“you’re a dude. and Bret Michaels doesn’t want to date a dude.”
“you were on my Free Pass list. And you were the only one… well Ed Norton was on there for a bit. But you’re still number one.”
“Take that Ed Norton.”

Check back next time when I rate the girls of The Bachelor.

email at
SarcasmAsAWeapon@gmail.com

Until Next Time…

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2 responses

8 01 2009
JDub

I really thought I was going to pass on watching Rock of Love Bus…but then I saw the hot tranny mess list was more than 2 girls and I caved.

Totally DVR’d the first episode and then immediately after set it as a series recording.

Why was there no mention of the crazy Juliette Lewis “Natural Born Killers” hot mess?

9 01 2010
Greg

Whoever wrote this blog is a fucking retard. You either have the highest standards of any man to ever exist, you’re an ugly bitch who hates on women, or you’re just an angry gay guy. I’d guess it’s the last one.

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