Because It’s Normal To Have 25 Girls Want You At The Same Time…

10 01 2009

My friends, just like the title suggests, for any real man in this world, there is never, and I repeat NEVER a time in which 25 women want you at the same time. It just doesn’t happen. Celebrities, athletes, CEOs, Rock Stars, News Anchors, and former reality TV stars are all exempt from this rule.

So we have another installment of the bachelor. This time, the guy has a kid and was previously dumped by hottie DeAnna Pappas. Which, come on people, we all knew it was going down. She ain’t yo baby momma!!

So ABC pulls on the heart strings of all the women who fell in love with Jason on the bachelorette. And honestly, what girl with any kind of heart wouldn’t? He’s pretty much a ratings gold mine. Good man, single dad, got his heart broken at the “proposal spot.” (ps, I’m calling it that from now on. The proposal spot.)

Now all the women who watched this wretched show, now automatically feel as if they have some sort of connection with Jason.

Top 5 reason why this is true.
#1. All women have seen romantic comedies. All romantic comedies are formulaic, and after the big huge drama keeping the main characters apart, they somehow work it out and there is always a happy ending. This is the happy ending that all women are craving. Even ice queens.
#2. There is a kid involved. Have you ever noticed while watching SoapNet there are commercials for the needy kids in Africa? And ever notice how there are none of the same commercials during sporting events? That’s because kids pull at the heartstrings of women. Women love kids. Even ice queens.
#3. Dude was left at the “proposal spot” after thinking everything was hunky dory. Every women has been left at some where at some point when thinking everything was hunky dory. Even ice queens.
#4. He’s from Seattle. Women love Seattle. See #1 and please reference Sleepless in Seattle. HOLY SHIT… I just realized that this is a REAL life version of Sleepless in Seattle. Son of a Bitch.
#5. Women like winning. Wait, women like beating other women. Therefore by ultimately winning at this game you obtain a couple things
   5a. You beat 24 other women
   5b. you are getting married and those other losers are not.
   5c. you successfully landed what other women could not. Take that bitch.
   5d. you won a nice new diamond ring.
   5e. you won being a new baby momma. (Big win. Don’t have to go through that whole “pregnancy” thing, you know      getting fat, irritable, cankles, etc etc. Big win. Even for ice queens.)

With that being said, while I won’t be watching the show I will have plenty of girl friends watch the show and fill me in. What I will do, is play my own little bachelor. I shall go only by what their bio says on ABC.com and judge them without rhyme or reason. Please note that all actions that happen on the show will NOT be taken into account during this judgement.

Without further ado.

First 10 eliminated…

Oh, poor girls got a 7 Head.

Dominique - Oh, poor girls got a 7 Head.

looks like a sharpie attacked, and she fended it off with her forehead.

Emily - looks like a sharpie attacked, and she fended it off with her forehead.

26 my ass...

Jackie - 26 my ass...

Jillian - Oh honey. Glamour Shots is down the hall.

Jillian - Oh honey. Glamour Shots is down the hall.

Nicole - meh.

Nicole - meh.

Raquel - Your a Jewelry designer, so you shouldn't have any problem finding your own right. ps. your also old.

Raquel - Your a Jewelry designer, so you shouldn't have any problem finding your own right. ps. your also old.

Sharon - Too old.

Sharon - Too old.

Shelby - Says your 23, but I think it's more like 42. Plus she looks baked here.

Shelby - Says your 23, but I think it's more like 42. Plus she looks baked here.

Stephanie - 7 head and Old. Not a winning combination.

Stephanie - 7 head and Old. Not a winning combination.

Treasure - yup that's her name. Your a single mom in Utah. The Lord looks down on that.

Treasure - yup that's her name. Your a single mom in Utah. The Lord looks down on that.

So those are the first 10 women let go. Which now leaves me with 15 desperate beautiful women left to choose from. 

THE 15

Stacia - Single mom... I Ain't No Baby Daddy!

Stacia - Single mom... I Ain't No Baby Daddy!

Ann - Bonus points for being a Flight Attendant and hopes of the MHC, but not enough points.

Ann - Bonus points for being a Flight Attendant and hopes of the MHC, but not enough points. Plus I'm afraid her tooth might get caught on something... just sayin.

Nikki - I saw some pics on ABC.com, and it really is sad to see this rack go.

Nikki - I saw some pics on ABC.com, and it really is sad to see this rack go.

Lisa - Hoop Earrings are for sluts.

Lisa - Hoop Earrings are for sluts.

FINAL 10

Basically these girls all cancel each other out. All of them are average looking with average jobs and all about the same age… so in essence they cancel each other out.  Plus there is some crazy eye going on with some of them. 

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TOP 5

Megan - She kinda has a little Julie Cooper thing going on here... plus hoop earrings. Oh and a kid, I told you I Ain't No Baby Daddy!

Megan - She kinda has a little Julie Cooper thing going on here... plus hoop earrings. Oh and a kid, I told you I Ain't No Baby Daddy!

 

Natalie - I wish Natalie was from the south and had a southern accent. However she's from Chicago. I'm sad to see her go.

Natalie - I wish Natalie was from the south and had a southern accent. However she's from Chicago. I'm sad to see her go.

Naomi - Her name is I MOAN backwards. She's a flight attendant. Pretty obvious 3rd place I think.

Naomi - Her name is I MOAN backwards. She's a flight attendant. Pretty obvious 3rd place I think.

THE FINALS

Shannon - Says shes 29, but she looks 22 in this picture. Which means as she grows old, she going to Continue to be hot. This obviously something you have to think about. She's also a dental hygienist, and if you've ever seen porn, you know that's a good thing. She loses points for being from Kansas. Nothing good came from Kansas.

Shannon - Says shes 29, but she looks 22 in this picture. Which means as she grows old, she going to Continue to be hot. This obviously something you have to think about. She's also a dental hygienist, and if you've ever seen porn, you know that's a good thing. She loses points for being from Kansas. Nothing good came from Kansas.

Melissa - She's 25 from Dallas TX. Right there she's a little behind in points. However, she's a real cutie, and based on some insider information she is a Dallas Cowboys Cheerleader. With that being said, being a Cheerleader (not a base) is in essence Kryptonite to me. She's a couple years younger than Shannon so that's always a plus.

Melissa - She's 25 from Dallas TX. Right there she's a little behind in points. However, she's a real cutie, and based on some insider information she is a Dallas Cowboys Cheerleader. With that being said, being a Cheerleader (not a base) is in essence Kryptonite to me. She's a couple years younger than Shannon so that's always a plus.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

So who’s the winner? Well I can tell you one thing. I spent WAAAAY too much time looking at old Dallas Cowboy Cheerleading squads. Yeah, I found Melissa pretty quickly, but DAYUM. I’m not lying when I say I put in a good 25 minutes on the Cheerleaders website. You are very welcome for all the clicks by the way. 

However, I have a job to do. I have to pick my Bachelorette to be my one and only, so we could meet at the proposal spot, and there I would  give her a ring and ask her to marry me. And all the lonely women loyal viewers would all in unison, go awwwwweee…. with a little tear shed from their eye. 

After much deliberation, and time to myself, I finally have made a decision. The winner my friends… 

 

My Bachelor Winner!

My Bachelor Winner!

While many of the other contestants fought valiantly, Melissa brought her A game. And by her A game I mean pictures of her as a cheerleader. Seriously. She should carry those around with her. I told you… Its my Kryptonite. I can’t help it. Now, my only hope is that douche dad doesn’t actually pick her, and I can move to DFW and start my courting of Ms. Melissa. 

*sigh*

I hope you all enjoy the Bachelor this season. 
Make sure to catch it Mondays at 8pm 

 

Feel Free to email…
SarcasmAsAWeapon@gmail.com 

Until Next Time…





Extensions, Cougars, and Trannies… Oh My…

7 01 2009

At first, I thought I would do a little introduction, nay, quick bios on the 20 lucky ladies who are competing for my hero Bret Michaels heart on the new season of Rock of Love bus. Turns out Bret has some brains and realized that having girls compete for his affection in a multi-million dollar home was just ludicrous, because he spends most of his time on the road.

I can’t actually argue that point.

However, after completing the viewing of the first episode of Rock of Love bus, I decided that doing a bio, was unnecessary. In fact, I’m basically putting them into 3 groups. Names, occupations, intelligence are all irrelevant.

The First group….

THE HOT TRANNY MESS

The Biggest Hot Mess I've Ever Seen On a Reality Show. Seriously. VH1.com

The Biggest Hot Mess I've Ever Seen On a Reality Show. Seriously. VH1.com

When She Talkes, I Could Have Sworn I Heard A Dude. May Have Even Seen An Adams Apple. Vh1.com

When She Talks, I Could Have Sworn I Heard A Dude. May Have Even Seen An Adams Apple. Vh1.com

This Girl Looks Like A Girl I Worked With At Best Buy. The Girl I Worked With Mentioned One Day She'd Wake Up In A Gutter After A Long Night Of Drinking. I'm Thinking It May Be The Same Girl. VH1.com

This Girl Looks Like A Girl I Worked With At Best Buy. The Girl I Worked With Mentioned One Day She'd Wake Up In A Gutter After A Long Night Of Drinking. I'm Thinking It May Be The Same Girl. VH1.com

Piercing Both Your Dimples, Doesn't Make You Any Less a Man. VH1.com

Piercing Both Your Dimples, Doesn't Make You Any Less a Man. VH1.com

THE COUGARS

She Has A Masters Degree.... In Storytelling. She's Also A Hippie. I Hate Hippies. VH1.com

She Has A Masters Degree.... In Storytelling. She's Also A Hippie. I Hate Hippies. VH1.com


Huge Cougarific Rack. Like Huge. VH1.com

Huge Cougarific Rack. Like Huge. VH1.com


Porn Star. Cougar. Stalker. Should Be A Good Season. VH1.com

Porn Star. Cougar. Stalker. Should Be A Good Season. VH1.com


Serious Case of Crazy Eyes. VH1.com

Serious Case of Crazy Eyes. VH1.com


It's Like Suzie Orman/Susan Powter Wrapped Up In One Tiny Package. VH1.com

It's Like Suzie Orman/Susan Powter Wrapped Up In One Tiny Package. VH1.com


Penthouse Pet. Taya, You Think Your The First Girl In The History Of Penthouse To Only Wear A Cowboy Hat?!? Vh1.com

Penthouse Pet. Taya, You Think Your The First Girl In The History Of Penthouse To Only Wear A Cowboy Hat?!? Vh1.com

GIRLS I MIGHT MAKE OUT WITH AFTER A BOTTLE AND A HALF OF JACK

Your From Utah, Which Probably Means Your Just as Jack Mormon As I Am. VH1.com

Your From Utah, Which Probably Means Your Just as Jack Mormon As I Am. VH1.com


You So Straddled The Cougar/Make Out Line. It's Probably Cause Your High Maintenance That Kept You Out of The Cougar Group. Lucky You. Vh1.com

You So Straddled The Cougar/Make Out Line. It's Probably Cause Your High Maintenance That Kept You Out of The Cougar Group. Lucky You. Vh1.com


You Straddled The Tranny Line With Those Linebacker Shoulders. Vh1.com

You Straddled The Tranny Line With Those Linebacker Shoulders. Vh1.com


You Were So Normal! And Cute! Unfortunately, Our Rock of Love Tour Ended At The First Episode. Good Luck Having Your Shit Together, And Being A Nurse. What's Wrong With You?!? Vh1.com

You Were So Normal! And Cute! Unfortunately, Our Rock of Love Tour Ended At The First Episode. Good Luck Having Your Shit Together, And Being A Nurse. What's Wrong With You?!? Vh1.com

Now of course there are a couple girls I left out. One for length purposes. And some, well just cause I didn’t feel the need to put your pictures in. One I did leave out is another foreign giant, much like season 2. The Ukrainian beauty. However this one speaks worse english, is just as big, and is from Brazil. Should be awesome. Hopefully well get one or two great one liners solely based on her terrible english.

So no more mansion. These girls are now going to be pent up in Brets busses and he’s going to make them live the Rock Star life style. Which, as being a former Rock Star myself, we know consists of booze, strippers, busses, extensions (we all know Bret) synchronized periods, and collapsing in the middle of the street. And how we forget it wouldn’t be Rock of Love, bus or mansion, without Mud Bowl. Hallelujah for Mud Bowl 3!

So flash forward to Bret Rocking on stage and the girls being completely shit canned. Which is cool, because if there is anything more wild than the Bull Riding at the county fair, it’s the Bret Michaels concert at the grandstand. Two of the girls begin reliving their freshman year of college. All the while, the good patrons of Kentucky get two shows for the price of one. That my friends is a good summer. It got so bad, that at one point, the Penthouse Pet Taya stated….

“you know it’s bad when the Penthouse Pet is the classiest girl up there.”

That my friends are words to live by. If you are doing something in your life, and you wonder if it’s classy, embarrassing, or shameful, just ask yourself. WWPPD? What Would Penthouse Pets Do? And there is your answer.

But my friends, the classy didn’t stop there. Of course as Bret stated, there was a “time honored tradition” of the after show party. Hosted at none other than a place called Coyotes. (weird)

Now, I consider myself a pretty professional Reality TV watcher. I’ve seen some crazy shit. Some really off the wall, insane, completely inappropriate behavior. (83% has been on Rock of Love) Yet nothing, and I mean nothing prepared me for the insanity I was about to witness. Once Bret arrived, they decided it was time for body shots. Now I’ve been to my fair share of college parties. I’ve seen a Girls Gone Wild here and there, and from what I know, body shots are taken from the stomach, or the breast. Call me old fashion.

But alas, this day in age, the ladies have stepped up their game to snare themselves a man. Yes, ladies and gentleman, leave it to Rock of Love to have the first ever Vagina Shot. Now of course, seeing as how I didn’t pay for the hour long show, they didn’t actually show it happening, but the face on all the girls and even Bret Michaels was priceless. And you know, when Bret Michaels says “maybe you should slow your roll…” you’ve done some crazy shit.

That my friends is FACT.

So, the next day basically, more shit happens. They fight… one girl pukes, then immediately kisses Bret without his knowledge of the puking, a group of girls calls themselves Blondetourage (new word), and another girls chokes a bitch out…. true story.

Elimination comes and Bret knocks out the only girl who has a brain. One of my favorites, Stephanie. She was a nurse practitioner (real job) cute, blonde, and shy. Which obviously means because she has her shit together, she automatically kicked out.

Now, here are some words to live by….

“the two girls started making out, basically passing disease along.”
“you can’t break up the Blondetourage.”
“you’re a dude. and Bret Michaels doesn’t want to date a dude.”
“you were on my Free Pass list. And you were the only one… well Ed Norton was on there for a bit. But you’re still number one.”
“Take that Ed Norton.”

Check back next time when I rate the girls of The Bachelor.

email at
SarcasmAsAWeapon@gmail.com

Until Next Time…