Happy Trails, and Heroin…

8 12 2008

I’m currently sitting in my car.

It’s 6:28 on a Sunday night. I’m doing “Lot Security” for The Warehouse.

I’m basically wired right into the police station keeping watch on The Warehouse as people get off work and mosey to their cars.

It’s been quite the last couple of weeks at The Warehouse. Of course a couple of weeks ago, Thanksgiving was in full force. As was the stupidity of people.

Before, the radio station would generally close it’s doors at noon on the Wednesday before Thanksgiving so that people could go home and make happy hour be with their families. This is not the case with The Warehouse. They are open EXTRA late for all those people who obviously couldn’t invest in a calendar and mark it with the date A YEAR IN ADVANCE!

(ps, if your wife sent you to fulfill one, and one mission only, for Thanksgiving to get dinner rolls. And you waited till the Wednesday night at 6:23 before Thanksgiving, chances are….
#1. You failed
#2. You didn’t plan ahead.
#3. Your wife is going to pissed cause you had to settle for “The Other Stores” brand of dinner rolls.
annnnd #4. I could give a fuck less if you waited till 6:23 on the Wednesday before Thanksgiving to get dinner rolls. No, we will not make more. And it’s your fault if you got married, and it’s even more your fault that you can’t finish one simple task. Oh and glaring at me, not getting you your rolls any faster. Happy Thanksgiving.)

ps.. Thanksgivings on the 26th next year. You’ve got some time. Just tryin to help.

Sorry bout that. Back to the point. The point is, not only did I not get out of work early on Wednesday but I had to work the day after on Friday. Black Friday it’s called. With reason. I imagine a lowly little high school kid coined the term, because he was forced to work at 4am at a Best Buy, therefore going to work in the dark black night sky. Or it could possibly be because retail owners have a cold black heart and no soul. Still up in the air.

With that being said Christmas is right around the corner so I fully expect that people will only get worse as the “season of giving” gets closer. Come to think of it, it’s already started. Peoples intelligence level is already beginning to decline along with their patience and manners.

Man I hate the Holidays.

Not only have I been trying to save money, but also, I’ve been trying not to eat a ton of crap. So usually I eat a protein bar for breakfast head off to work and graze upon the many samples during my designated 30 minute “lunch” period. (ps, I clocked back in one day 4 minutes late and got written up. 4 minutes. At least I was sober is the way I look at it.)

On this day though I had run out of bars and was running late so I went to work without something to eat. Bad idea.

I often get cranky when my blood sugar drops, and combining that with completely stupid people and basically you’ve got trouble brewing. Crisis was adverted this day my friends. I got off my register for my 30 minutes bought some much needed protein bars for the future, and stood in line for a cheap slice of pizza.

The line for food often times gets of of control because people cannot pass up a dollar fifty for a hot dog and coke. Today was of course no different. I stood in line for 10 glorious minutes of my alloted 30 minutes giving me 20 minutes left of my break and giving me just enough time to listen to the two awkward alterna-teens behind me playing grab ass.

Two teens roughly 17-18 each and both highly socially inept were standing behind me waiting for the opportunity to order some delicious artery clogging treats. I kept tuning in and out of their conversation. Of course they weren’t having a very quite one, so it wasn’t hard. The first conversation was a great debate as to wether one of the customers was a guy or girl… I couldn’t help but actually join that conversation in my head…

Jury is still out too. I’m leaning toward girl, but I can’t be certain.

So I tune them out for a couple of minutes. I’ve moved ever so close to the front to order my pizza. I’m beginning to get really excited at the prospect of a warm slice of combo pizza in my hand, when I realize I’ve let my guard down just enough to catch this little gem….

awkward teen guy: “you know what I could do with my happy trail?”
awkward teen girl: “(excitedly) whaaaaaat??”
awkward teen guy: “I could shave it into an arrow or something like that!”
awkward teen girl: “ooooooh…”


Just at that moment when I thought things could only get worse, food court guy shouted, “can I help the next person”

Thank you food court guy. Thank you. You have no idea how you’ve helped.

So that was fun. However, nothing prepared me for the fun we actually had a couple of nights ago. Everything was going along as normal at The Warehouse. People checking the clock. People boxing your stuff. Me slacking. When all of a sudden The Warehouse managers all run toward the bathroom at a full sprint.

Apparently, some dude thought it would be cool to shoot up heroin in our bathrooms and almost die.


We as employees weren’t allowed near the bathrooms unless we had something to contribute to the situation. And since my CPR card ran out a few years ago, they felt as if I probably couldn’t help much with the situation. I didn’t get all of the details, however the police and paramedics were there. As a security measure The Warehouse management decided it was best if we closed the restrooms for a short period of time, while they cleaned up, and got the dude out of there.

I guess the part that shook me the most were the customers who were bitching at management because the restrooms were closed. And it’s not like they didn’t inform the customers that we had a “medical emergency.” Apparently though, that’s not a good enough reason for our bathrooms to be closed.

I’m not sure what’s more concerning to me. The fact that someone thought The Warehouse bathrooms were the optimal place to shoot up. Or people were pissed off about the bathrooms being closed for medical emergencies.

Boggles my mind.

I wrote this on my phone and imported it today. So if your reading this and complaining that I’m not in my car, and it’s not Sunday…. well there you go. Damn. Sticklers for accuracy I guess.

I know I’ve been writing about work a lot, but it’s really all I have. So if there is something you think would be fun for me to dissect, or rant, or joke about send it to me….


Until Next time…



7 responses

8 12 2008

You’ve just written yourself a nice dark comedy there. Seriously. I can see it on the big screen already. Maybe get Natalie Portman to wear a some Chuck Taylors and an apron or something.

But who would play the teenagers playing grab arse bottom?

Who would play you?

8 12 2008

yeah I feel like sometimes I’m living in a Dark Comedy, although none of it’s actually funny.

It’s my life.

Oh and Ryan Reynolds would play me. I’ve known this for a long time. Ryan Reynolds would play me in a movie about my life.

9 12 2008

did the heroin addict get his warehouse membership taken away? that would suck because after the trip to the bathroom he was probably enroute to get a polish dog.

9 12 2008

Who would be the director? Score the soundtrack?

What kind of product placement would there be? What kind of car would Ryan Reynolds drive as he portrays you in a movie inspired by moments and drawn-out storylines of your existence?

10 12 2008

Christopher Nolan is directing.

John Williams on the score.

Jack Daniels, Nike, Red Robin, and Apple would be some of the product placement.

And I’d drive a Saturn. I think Saturns are Dark Comedy gold! Along with 82 Hondas.

10 12 2008

Cool soybeans. I’d watch it.

8 04 2009

dude… at least you didnt have to stand outside of said bathroom- mintes away from getting off- trying to get people to understand that when you stand in the walkway to the bathroom, with a grocery cart- obviously- blocking the way (sideways in the hall) it is NOT OK to try and push the cart away to get around; and also that “im sorry no one is allowed back there at the moment” does include said person in the category of “no one.”

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