Auld Lang Syne…

28 12 2008

New Years can suck it~

I’m pretty sure that New Years is the second worst holiday of the year. Following Valentines Day, at the number one spot. I come to question New Years as my life goes on.

I’m not sure how getting really drunk, and making out with someone at midnight is any more special that most my week nights. (minus the making out.)

In addition to that, is it just me, or has New Years become a marketing ploy to overcharge you at the door, then make sure they complete the rape with no lube, by charging obscene amounts for drinks?

This really only pains me, becuase I am a consumer whore. So I will more than likely be partaking in this obvious exploitation, only in hopes to score with some drunk chick hottie, who can hopefully still stand.

Here’s to ’09!

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To All Of You…

25 12 2008

Just wanted to say Merry Christmas, and Happy Holidays to the thousands of readers I have.

Or the three of you, who check back often, making my stats go up and seeming like thousands of you.

Either way… I’m grateful. Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays.





Pick 6… 6 Hour Holiday Train Ride Edition…

21 12 2008

I have just gotten home from one of the worst trips in my life. It was long, cold, snowy, and stressful. However I made it in one piece and my brother got married off. So there are two positives.

Another positive, is finding out that the train station is a hot bed for hot women. You see, my family picked up more family at the wedding, there was no longer any more room for me and one of my brothers to ride back home. So, my mother purchased train tickets for us to ride home, sooner than the fam and hopefully in time for me to make it home and to work. Well, none of the plans worked, and I’m not sure how much I want to get into it. I’m probably going to save it for another blog. Possibly.

So that is why I was at the train station. Upon arriving, and after handing 26 cents to the hobo outside, I felt as if good karma would be granted upon my traveling soul. Well as I mentioned before it wasn’t. But I guess the traveling gods did reward me in populating the train station with beautiful women. After being shuffled around from line to line, I was given the opportunity to have a stunning blonde stand right behind my brother and I. After waiting in line for what seemed to be an hour or so, we got to talking.

Turns out, she, like me, was a train virgin and we were confused as to how boarding procedures were to take place. We chatted back and forth and come to find out, had she lived closer we would be happily married. She’s almost a lawyer (half way through law school) works for giant law firm, potentially setting herself up to be a sugar momma, blonde, allegedly loves The Warehouse, fell down on her way to a liquor store in the ice, and quoted movies. Plus, she put up with my constant berating of her attending Washington State University, which in my book is not only warranted, but you should actually see it coming.

We chatted up until it was time to board where we were both separated like cattle to their impending doom. Had I actually had some sort of game whatsoever I probably should have asked for some sort of contact information, you know, like her number or something. However I believe the distance between us would ultimately be our demise.

I felt like Lloyd Christmas as he drops of Mary Swanson…

So ultimately I boarded my car (term used for each individual train section. Mine was the last.) put on the headphones and set forth cranked out a Pick 6 on my phone.

Pick 6 is where I put my iPod on Shuffle and tell a little story about each song that comes up….
without further ado.

Times Like These – Foo Fighters
For some odd reason I love acoustic music. I’m not sure what or why it is, but I love it. I’ve mentioned before just how much I loved MTV’s Unplugged. One of (if not THE) greatest acoustic albums ever came from this show. Nirvana’s Unplugged is this album. So it didn’t surprise me in the least that a member of Nirvana, Dave Grohl, put out what I consider the second best acoustic album of all time. Skin and Bones. Now I know not technically completely acoustic but dammit it’s close enough. This version of this song is my all time favorite. I’ve also seen the Foo Fighters live, and while their performance, was good I feel a bit slighted that I didn’t get this performance at my show. This version is truly fantastic, and on numerous occasions has given me goosebumps.
An amazing start to a Pick 6, as I stare out the window to the white snow surrounding me.

My Name Is Jonas – Weezer
Back in high school, as I’ve mentioned many times before, Weezer rocked my alterna-teen life. In addition to Weezer my friends we in a band called the Flux Capacitors, and they tore this song up whenever they played it! I may or may not have been a Flux Capacitors groupie. Whatever. Sadly the Flux Capacitors broke up, and Weezer went on to do great things.

Ready or Not – The Fugees
Back in the day, MTV played videos. Shocking I know. This video was the SHIIIIT! I loved it. And racists claims aside, Lauryn Hill is amazing in this song. I’m not even ashamed to admit her solo album was amazing too. I even owned it, in fact I think I bought it, back when people bought cd’s. I also bought Wyclef’s album The Carnival. That my friends has some tracks on it. I highly recommend that one to any one who loves some hip hop. Man writing this and being reminded of how great the Fugees were, makes me wish they would get back together.

I Write Sins Not Tradgedies – Panic! at the Disco
At first I wasn’t a big fan of this song. In fact I used to tease my former boss (who may or may not be in the target demographic for alterna-teen rock bands) that her and my pre-teen sister could go hang out and pick up the latest Panic! cd at Hot Topic, along with some cool Panic! at the Disco t-shirts. Apparently they’re 2 for 1 these days. Anyway after months of harassment from me, my boss loaned me the cd, and I had to end my harassment of her love of bands that were appealing to middles schoolers, for I too found a small admiration for these boys. It also helped that the Program Director for the station decided once every two and a half hours would be good spacing for this song. I slowly resented this song. It comes on my iPod so infrequently, and to this day, I still find myself tapping my foot.

You’re Nobody, Till Somebody Loves You – Dean Martin
First time I ever heard this song, was when it played in the background of my favorite movies of all time. Swingers. As images of LA nightlife are splashed across your screen this wonderfully true song from Dean Martin serenades you and sets the tone for a movie, in which finding someone to love is the ultimate goal. Often times I find myself wanting to be part of the Rat Pack. Those boys not only ruled The Vegas, but set a precedent for cool, that to this day, I believe has gone unmatched. Plus they pulled a lot of tail. In fact, Dean probably would have gotten Hot Lawyer girls phone number or nailed her on the train…
The soundtrack for swingers not only includes this song, but many other big band greats. I recommend the movie and the soundtrack, especially if your needing a little swagger in your life.

Sweet Caroline – Neil Diamond
This is one of the greatest songs of all time. And I’m surprised it’s taken this long to make the Pick 6. There is NO better feeling in the worl than singing this song, with some random you just met, drinking a not so cold beer, after pounding down a Fenway Frank and watching the Sox win at Fenway Park. Every time I think of the trip my friend Haggy and I took to Boston last fall, I think of this moment, and this song. Fenway has a special place in my heart. As does this memory. When things are down, when life just isn’t going right, I can always think of Sweet Caroline in Fenway Park.

(as a sidenote, this past year I got a phone call from my former college roommate RPG. At first it was completely inaudible as to what was going on. And then… there it was. Sweet Caroline! But the Sox weren’t at home, and it wasn’t a magical mess of fans singing the song… No my friends, it was the man himself Neil Diamond performing live at Fenway Park. RPG had tickets in centerfield, where Jacoby Ellsbury roams the field. RPG figured I would enjoy hearing Neil at Fenway Park.

I did.

That concludes our Pick 6 for the day….

feel free to email
SarcasmAsAWeapon@gmail.com

Until Next Time…





Happy Trails, and Heroin…

8 12 2008

I’m currently sitting in my car.

It’s 6:28 on a Sunday night. I’m doing “Lot Security” for The Warehouse.

I’m basically wired right into the police station keeping watch on The Warehouse as people get off work and mosey to their cars.

It’s been quite the last couple of weeks at The Warehouse. Of course a couple of weeks ago, Thanksgiving was in full force. As was the stupidity of people.

Before, the radio station would generally close it’s doors at noon on the Wednesday before Thanksgiving so that people could go home and make happy hour be with their families. This is not the case with The Warehouse. They are open EXTRA late for all those people who obviously couldn’t invest in a calendar and mark it with the date A YEAR IN ADVANCE!

(ps, if your wife sent you to fulfill one, and one mission only, for Thanksgiving to get dinner rolls. And you waited till the Wednesday night at 6:23 before Thanksgiving, chances are….
#1. You failed
#2. You didn’t plan ahead.
#3. Your wife is going to pissed cause you had to settle for “The Other Stores” brand of dinner rolls.
annnnd #4. I could give a fuck less if you waited till 6:23 on the Wednesday before Thanksgiving to get dinner rolls. No, we will not make more. And it’s your fault if you got married, and it’s even more your fault that you can’t finish one simple task. Oh and glaring at me, not getting you your rolls any faster. Happy Thanksgiving.)

ps.. Thanksgivings on the 26th next year. You’ve got some time. Just tryin to help.

Sorry bout that. Back to the point. The point is, not only did I not get out of work early on Wednesday but I had to work the day after on Friday. Black Friday it’s called. With reason. I imagine a lowly little high school kid coined the term, because he was forced to work at 4am at a Best Buy, therefore going to work in the dark black night sky. Or it could possibly be because retail owners have a cold black heart and no soul. Still up in the air.

With that being said Christmas is right around the corner so I fully expect that people will only get worse as the “season of giving” gets closer. Come to think of it, it’s already started. Peoples intelligence level is already beginning to decline along with their patience and manners.

Man I hate the Holidays.

Not only have I been trying to save money, but also, I’ve been trying not to eat a ton of crap. So usually I eat a protein bar for breakfast head off to work and graze upon the many samples during my designated 30 minute “lunch” period. (ps, I clocked back in one day 4 minutes late and got written up. 4 minutes. At least I was sober is the way I look at it.)

On this day though I had run out of bars and was running late so I went to work without something to eat. Bad idea.

I often get cranky when my blood sugar drops, and combining that with completely stupid people and basically you’ve got trouble brewing. Crisis was adverted this day my friends. I got off my register for my 30 minutes bought some much needed protein bars for the future, and stood in line for a cheap slice of pizza.

The line for food often times gets of of control because people cannot pass up a dollar fifty for a hot dog and coke. Today was of course no different. I stood in line for 10 glorious minutes of my alloted 30 minutes giving me 20 minutes left of my break and giving me just enough time to listen to the two awkward alterna-teens behind me playing grab ass.

Two teens roughly 17-18 each and both highly socially inept were standing behind me waiting for the opportunity to order some delicious artery clogging treats. I kept tuning in and out of their conversation. Of course they weren’t having a very quite one, so it wasn’t hard. The first conversation was a great debate as to wether one of the customers was a guy or girl… I couldn’t help but actually join that conversation in my head…

Jury is still out too. I’m leaning toward girl, but I can’t be certain.

So I tune them out for a couple of minutes. I’ve moved ever so close to the front to order my pizza. I’m beginning to get really excited at the prospect of a warm slice of combo pizza in my hand, when I realize I’ve let my guard down just enough to catch this little gem….

awkward teen guy: “you know what I could do with my happy trail?”
awkward teen girl: “(excitedly) whaaaaaat??”
awkward teen guy: “I could shave it into an arrow or something like that!”
awkward teen girl: “ooooooh…”

FOR THE LOVE OF GOD PLEASE HURRY FOOD COURT PEOPLE! PLEASE!

Just at that moment when I thought things could only get worse, food court guy shouted, “can I help the next person”

Thank you food court guy. Thank you. You have no idea how you’ve helped.

So that was fun. However, nothing prepared me for the fun we actually had a couple of nights ago. Everything was going along as normal at The Warehouse. People checking the clock. People boxing your stuff. Me slacking. When all of a sudden The Warehouse managers all run toward the bathroom at a full sprint.

Apparently, some dude thought it would be cool to shoot up heroin in our bathrooms and almost die.

Seriously.

We as employees weren’t allowed near the bathrooms unless we had something to contribute to the situation. And since my CPR card ran out a few years ago, they felt as if I probably couldn’t help much with the situation. I didn’t get all of the details, however the police and paramedics were there. As a security measure The Warehouse management decided it was best if we closed the restrooms for a short period of time, while they cleaned up, and got the dude out of there.

I guess the part that shook me the most were the customers who were bitching at management because the restrooms were closed. And it’s not like they didn’t inform the customers that we had a “medical emergency.” Apparently though, that’s not a good enough reason for our bathrooms to be closed.

I’m not sure what’s more concerning to me. The fact that someone thought The Warehouse bathrooms were the optimal place to shoot up. Or people were pissed off about the bathrooms being closed for medical emergencies.

Boggles my mind.

I wrote this on my phone and imported it today. So if your reading this and complaining that I’m not in my car, and it’s not Sunday…. well there you go. Damn. Sticklers for accuracy I guess.

I know I’ve been writing about work a lot, but it’s really all I have. So if there is something you think would be fun for me to dissect, or rant, or joke about send it to me….

SarcasmAsAWeapon@gmail.com

Until Next time…