Gladys Knight, Bridesmaids, and Tragedy on the Dance Floor pt. 2…

16 07 2008

Before you read further, if you haven’t done so already please read part one.


The setup of the wedding was gorgeous. It was almost as if the two places were entirely unrelated to each other. Quite the contradiction if you ask me… but what do I really know.

The bridesmaids began their ascension to said “altar,” my Ex being one of these bridesmaids. Now I’ve been to a lot of weddings. And I’ve seen some pretty decent lineups. But to be honest folks, this was probably the best lineup of bridesmaids I’ve ever seen in my entire life. From top to bottom all of the girls looked gorgeous.

What was more fun, was that I knew almost all of them from college. I think that made it even better. Sometimes people go on and thier metabolism kicks in, and they ultimately have no choice in the matter. Luckily enough, these women did not have this problem.

However, the problem they did have was that most of them (5 outta 6) were already married. Which, I mean, is cool for them. I’m not actually sure it’s even a “problem” I’m just saying for the entire group of single guys (RPG and I) it’s just sometimes nice to attend a wedding where some bridesmaids get hammered and make out with random people…. (I smell foreshadowing)

The vows were said, the “I do’s” exchanged, and the special just married music played. After a short stint, people started to go and get their grub on. RPG and I of course waited until the line got a lot shorter. It was so much that the line was long, but we had just cracked open two Corona bottles and felt the need to stay strong together seeing as we only knew each other, aside from the bridesmaids.

Our little table of gayness (I looked great, RPG looked smashing, both sitting with each other, sipping Corona bottles in the middle of PBR country) was soon to be broken up by our wonderful friend Meg and her mother. We took this fine opportunity to catch all three of us up on our life goings on. Let me tell, it’s exceedingly hard to try to impress people by commenting on the amount of gaming you have done in recent months. At some point you realize that your gaming skills and current living arraignments are not going to impress anyone. So you must try other things. I went with my drinking abilities.

It was soon after RPG, Meg, and I were all caught up with each other that the bridesmaids had started convening around our table. Apparently the only other people they knew at the wedding were RPG and I also. So we went from looking gay, to REALLY looking gay for the simple fact that ALL the women were around. We should have timed it so a couple would come up slowly as the night progressed. I’m sure we were a couple pillows, and a face mask short of a slumber party in most the wedding goers minds.

Aside from the slumber partyesque look of our table, it really was nice getting to talk to some old college friends, and actually get to see/talk to my “date.” Thats right for those of you scoring at home, The Ex and I hadn’t gotten the opportunity to chat until everything was all said and done. The Ex and I have quite the history. I could bore you all with it now, but I’m going to sum it up very quickly.

Not Together.
Dating Other People.
Lil Baby. (not mine.)
Not Talking.
Years Pass.
Friends Again.

That’s basically it. In a nutshell. Well, not so much a nutshell, but in word form.

Anyway, the night went on, and my date The Ex continued to drink a little bit more than she’s used to. I mean why not it is a celebration. RPG, Meg, the other bridesmaids and myself, all followed suit in drinking it up celebration style.

As it began to get dark we moved into the barn were it was lit up with tea lights, and white christmas lights all over. Again, it was like two weird worlds colliding to make me forget I was dancing in a barn.

At one point the younger people at the wedding formed two lines facing each other and two people matched up and danced down the middle of it. Similar to this scene in Hitch. It was a ton of fun. And yes, there was a robot or two. By me. There may have been a shopping cart maneuver. By me. And there may have been a dice maneuver made famous by Knocked Up.

However folks. This dice maneuver was NOT done by myself. At one point in the free for all dance off I was talking with a gentleman who was to go before me. As we were already on round three of four we both mentioned that we were running out of moves. As any white guy will tell you (aside from Justin Timberlake) our dance moves arsenal is very limited. So coming to the realization that I had one move left, I decided to say to this young gentleman….

Me: “Hey, I’m probably going to do the dice move…”
DANCE STEALER: “DUDE, sweet idea, I’m totally stealing it.”
Me: “Wait. What? Dude, you can’t……”

and with that he was off. Down the middle of the group with said hot bridesmaid pulling off what I can only describe as my stolen dance move. That bastard.

But now, I had to think quick on my feet. I didn’t have a back up move. I had to reach back into my mind… Find a dance move dammit! Find one quick!!!!!

And then it happened.

I panicked. The only thing that came to my mind was Jump On It from the Fresh Prince of Bel Air. And down the middle I went. It wasn’t the full dance, pretty much just the hip movements and maybe a little riding the pony. Maybe.

This my friends, however was NOT the tragedy on the dance floor that is mentioned in the title.

The wedding was coming to a close. So off we headed to change and get ready to meet up with all the wedding party at some bar in “town.” On our way back, a song came on the local radio station that RPG nor I had heard in years. Gladys Knight, Midnight Train to Georgia. I can’t tell you how much I love this song. Probably because I had forgotten how much of a classic it was and for the simple fact it wasn’t in my iTunes library.

So of course the system was cranked, and RPG and I shared another gay moment. Belting out at the top of our lungs, slamming my hands on the dashboard to the beat of the song, and all in all having a blast listening to the Pips, back up Ms. Knight as she carried us home. I’m smiling now just thinking about it again.

Back at Jenny’s place, RPG and I changed and waited for 3 of the bridesmaids including The Ex and Jenny, to meet up and head out. Jenny knew where we were going, so we all piled into the car and headed to the happening spot in Prineville on a Saturday night.

Now normally I wold remember the names of place we go so that I could write about them later. Unfortunately friends, I have no recollection of the name of the place we went. It really didn’t matter. We paid a 5 dollar cover (WTF?) and proceeded inside. We set up camp near the bar, thinking this would be the best place for us to readily get drinks when need be.

First round of drinks were on me. And once again, I found myself only buying a drink for RPG seeing as the minute the girls walked in the door, they were taken care of by all sorts of dudes. Can’t say I wasn’t a tad jealous. So gay moment number 12 for the wedding weekend.

We got our drinks and the greatest revelation came to me upon purchasing the round. According to my receipt, one Jack and Coke and one Coors Light came to approx $7. SEVEN DOLLARS! HOLY HELL this is great! I’ll be drinking all night! AND CHEAPLY! THANK THE LORD FOR SMALL TOWN ECONOMIES!!!

I decided that since I was drinking quite a bit at the wedding I would casually drink at the bar. Besides I wanted all my faculties for taking notes and people watching. But that all came to an abrupt end.

I guess its cool to adorn your little bar with metal high-backed chairs. I don’t think anyone would ever see this as causing a problem. Maybe it was because for the first time I decided to wear flip-flops out to a bar. And this was God’s way of punishing me. For somehow some way that chair came crashing down.


That is all I said as I stood there in the middle of our group. I took that son of a bitch like a man. Up here I would have looked around to see who’s ass I could kick. But I shortly realized I was a pilgrim in an unholy land. The only person to probably have my back would have been RPG, and while I would gladly take this on any given day, we were outnumbered. So, I just said fuck.

At first the pain didn’t kick in. Then I realized, that my toe had probably been broken under the weight of this massive metal chair. Upon further inspection I realized however, I was indeed bleeding. Upon further review with Meg’s camera, I realized my toe was indeed fucked.

The beer is definitely not mine.

The beer is definitely not mine.

It was at this point, that I realized I had no health insurance to help me out. So, instead of seeing a Dr. I did the next best thing. I drank. And friends I drank a lot to dull the pain. It worked. The pain had subsided for the night. Sort of.

However, I was not the only one drinking outta their minds. The Ex, decided she too needed some help from the mighty alcohol gods. So, there we all were. RPG, Meg and I to one side of the bar, and the bridesmaids and groomsmen near the other. Everyone having a good time…. when BAM! Everyone saw it coming except the two of them.

The Ex, and one of the groomsmen were making out on the dance floor. I’m not talking about a little kisses and pecks my friends, no it was full on making out. It was gloriously funny. I was proud of her. She was finally getting some from a decent guy after going months with dating douchebags and a-holes. (not me.) It was a site to see. I’m laughing now thinking about it.

The nights observations did not end there. As I continued to dull the pain, and The Ex continued to make out, I couldn’t help but notice a table of cougars ready to pounce. I’m not sure if it was me, or if it was RPG, but I do know, they wouldn’t let any little “young thing” stand in there way. They were on the prowl, and had we not hightailed it outta there, I reckon one of us would have been caught. A big thanks to the women who saved us from our impending doom.

Lastly. It is worth mentioning that Meg found a special place in my heart when she came up to me and was like, Look over there. There is a pregnant woman in a bar. Indeed folks, there was a VERY pregnant lady in the bar. It pained me to see the pregnant lady. I really had wished she had a kid there, so we could have all had the pleasure of quoting Sweet Home, Alabama (the movie not the song.) In saying… You have a baby. In a bar!

So, all in all I say this past weekend was a great success. Aside from my “date” making out with someone else. My toe getting black and blue, with a hint of red. And the long ass car rides (made enjoyable by both RPG, The Ex, and Ferguson.) Weddings are a great time. Seeing good friends after an extended period of time, is even better. Combine those two elements and what you get, is one amazing weekend.



One response

29 07 2008
Miss E

You took a picture of your TOE. LOL. *Shaking my head…

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