The Extensions Strike Back….

30 07 2008

Well folks, I knew it had been a long time since I had written anything. I can tell because once every other day I’ll look at my blog and notice on the calendar nothing highlighted on any given day, because nothing has been written.

And to be honest, I feel as if I’ve let you guys down. (my three faithful readers thanks DZ and mom. PS Mom, please stop hitting the refresh button so I get more hits. Your son is not going to be a famous blogger, nor are you REALLY proud of my work.) I’ve let some vital information go on like it’s never really happened. And it’s some very important information people.

You see, couple months ago I had a little obsession on TV that was indeed Rock of Love 2. Where all these awesome little sluts would vie for the attention of one of my 80’s youth heroes Mr. Bret Michaels. Apparently Bret and AH-MBRE are no longer together and the great Extensioned One decided to take his show on the road… literally.

Now Bret is taking another stab at finding his perfect match in the ultimate rock and roller’s test…life on the road! Rock of Love Bus with Bret Michaels is set to premiere in early 2009.

“We are excited to hit the road for another season of Rock of Love,” commented Executive Producers Mark Cronin & Cris Abrego, “Nobody knows their way around a tour bus like Bret Michaels, and we are confident that the audience will enjoy the ride.”

How will Bret find a woman to ‘rock his world’ when his world is always moving? VH1 is loading up a tour bus filled with beautiful babes and taking them on tour across the country. Rock of Love Bus with Bret Michaels takes contestants out of the mansion and on the road in true rock star style. This season will feature all-new ladies vying for Bret’s affection while traveling across America following Bret on a month-long tour. The contestants will face new challenges to see if they can handle the rock star life on the road.

This time as the bus pulls into each new city, the girls will engage in challenges specifically revolving around Bret’s life on the road. Whether it’s greeting aggressive groupies with a smile, enduring grueling schedules, dodging the advances of the warm-up band or even stepping in last-minute to fill in for delinquent roadies – these girls will be put to the test. This season, as the Rock of Love Bus heads into America’s heartland, the show will be taking the viewer to a whole new level with crazy, fun, over-the-top challenges- imagine Truck Stop Olympics or a dance contest on top of the St. Louis Arch or even a BBQ cook-off beneath the World’s Largest Thermometer. And also, back by popular demand…Mud Bowl 3. Americana at it’s finest!

(courtesy of VH1.com)

SERIOUSLY??? A tour bus? lets actually take a moment boys and girls to go back and count the sexual innuendo of those last paragraphs… I counted 4. But that’s just me.

With the highest ratings ever to VH1 with Rock of Love, I wouldn’t be surprised if in fact the heads at VH1 were the ones that broke up Bret and AHMBRE. Kinda like some geniuses there decided to hire some sort of hot slutty intern just to hang around Bret and try to hook up with him. Once she finally succeeded the break up was on. Who am I kidding though. It’s not like sleeping with one little intern was going to break up the greatest TV couple of all time. AHMBRE probably would have turned the other cheek and continued auditioning for roles that call for a 26 year old. Low blow?

I can’t wait for this trainwreck of a show. Allegedly they’re also filming pretty close to where I live. Im partly considering seeing if I can’t just make it up to the locale and try to get my way onto the show. Much like I told Mr. Royal one time to tackle LC from the Hills cause his production company was filming at the Fashion Institute. That totally would have made the cut. Mr Royal tackling LC and yelling out Team Audrina…. I’d actually give my entire savings (read: $3.00 also the highest amount a good hooker should be paid) to see those events transpire.

Speaking of my little Audrina. At one point while working in radio I had some pretty decent connections with record labels. When I found out that our little Audrina was working at one, I quickly emailed my record rep from that company…. It went a little something like this.


To:RecordRep@epicrecords.com
From: Preston@clearchannel.com
Sent: January 25, 2006 10:23 am
Subject: Audrina

Deb,

Hey it’s Preston from K103 in Portland. I was just curious if you could hook me up with Audrina from the Hills? She works the front desk there.
ps. any new music you want me to hear?


To:Preston@clearchannel.com
From:RecordRep@epicrecords.com
Sent: January 25, 2006 10:26 am
Subject: Re:Audrina

Preston,

HA… are you serious?

Deb


To:RecordRep@epicrecords.com
From: Preston@clearchannel.com
Sent: January 25, 2006 10:30 am
Subject: Re:Re:Audrina

Lol. No. of course I’m not.

unless you can.


Needless to say I did NOT get a reply back. I’m not sure she took me very seriously after that. Then again, I’m not sure Audrina actually worked there. With all that being said, I’m not going to lie, (although this KILLS me inside) I’m excited for the new season of the Hills. I mean it looks, almost like they addressed all my problems with the other episodes. Except the whole Heidi/Spencer thing. I wonder if they realize that the whole world throws up at this continued high school bullshit? Then again if were pulling 100k an appearance fee I’d continue the bullshit too.

Sidebar: My new goal in life is to get appearance fees. Seriously. I just want to be cool enough that people want to pay me to show up and drink. I’m trying to figure out a way to do this. Actually… I’m just going to do that. When my friends call to ask me to hang out I will now just start to charge them.

Friend: “Hey man wanna go to Kells?”
Me: “Sure dude, it’ll be 100 bucks.”
Friend: “100 bucks? For what?”
Me: “It’s my appearance fee.”
Friend: “appearance fee to do what?”
Me: “Hang out and be awesome. You know, what I used to do for free.”
Friend: “You want a hundred bucks for that?”
Me: “I don’t see what the problems is…. it’s my going rate.”
Friend: “……..”
Me: “It’s a hundred bucks or you go by yourself.”
Friend: “Is it negotiable?”
Me: “No dude. You don’t see Kim Kardashian lowering her appearance fee.”
Friend: “I’ll pay for two Jack and Cokes, final offer.”
Me: “Done. I’m there.”

Anyway, the moral of this story is that The Hills returns to television very shortly, and yes my TiVo is set to start recording episodes.

Well folks, that’s about it for now. I’m thinking I’m going to be writing a couple more blogs this week, because I’m bored outta my mind again looking for jobs.

If you’d like you can now email.
SaracasmAsAWeapon@gmail.com

Until next time….

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The Dark Knight Weekend…

21 07 2008

Let me get this outta the way. The title of this blog will make much more sense in a little bit. But first let me tell you about a little movie I saw this weekend.

I saw The Dark Knight this weekend. TWICE. I LOVED it! It was amazing. More times than not I caught myself with my mouth open in awe at how freakin good Heath Ledger’s Joker was. It was simply amazing to see someone command a screen like that. To completely transform himself into something unrecognizable.

I’ve never actually been a Heath Ledger “fan.” I hate First Knight. Never really saw Brokeback Mountain. He was annoying in Lords of Dogtown. However, I did enjoy his performance in 10 Things I Hate About You. I’m not sure how that ranks on the current state of my manhood, but I took the lesser of two evils in Ledger’s resume. My point is, I didn’t want people to think that I was jumping on the critics bandwagon of loving Heath Ledger’s talents.

Nolan’s directing, and Ledger’s performance have given credibility to a genre of movie that have been so long laughed at and and given the back seat to “real” movies. I wish people like Michael Bay, George Lucas, and Jerry Bruckhiemer would take notice of what Nolan did with so very little CGI. Maybe Christopher Nolan should pass them a not in regards to the amount of CGI put into a movie. I believe it would read something like this…..

Dear Directors.
CGI is cool. But just because you can, doesn’t mean you should. (*cough* vine swinging scene in IJ IV *cough*)

But the whole entire movie comes down to Heath Ledger. I’ve never been in awe of what an actor has done. The closest I came was Ryan Gosling in Half Nelson. I can indeed say I was in awe of the character that Ledger put on screen. Allegedly there are talks of a third with the same ensemble cast, and all I can say is, the Joker will be missed.

ps, go see it.
(oh and another thing, I have developed a crush on Maggie Gyllenhaal)

Well, now with that out of the way, I would like to inform you that the rest of this blog is brought to you by Warner Bros.’ The Dark Knight. Starring Christian Bale, Heath Ledger, Gary Oldman, and Aaron Eckhart.

I drove out early Friday morning to the small Oregon town The Dalles. It would indeed be two small town visits in the span of two weeks. I generally try not to do such things, for it fucks with my fung shway? shuei? Dammit, now I have to look it up….. hold…….

Feng Shui. There we go.

I got into town as a promise to Mrs. Gibbs from roughly a month ago that I would indeed visit them at thier new home together in The Dalles. My one condition was that if it got too hot, I would indeed not becoming, because as I’ve stated before, I do not deal well with heat.

Gibbs informed me that he indeed did have an AC unit so all would be well in the world. I got into town and woke Gibbs up from a nap when I got in, becuase he had worked graveyard the night before and was a bit sleepy. I settled in to the house and dan and I bullshitted a bit about nothing important. We decided to hit a local hotspot in town, Dairy Queen.

I proceeded to order a Chicken Strip basket and forgo the Ranch dressing I usually get and instead get the gravy said CSB comes with. What have I been missing for so long???? This gravy was glorious. I could dip everything in it. Fries. Check. Texas Toast. Check. Chicken Strips. Check. The thought even occurred to me to get a chocolate sunday and proceed to top it with Gravy. mmmmm sounds good right now still. I do have an inner fat kid I fight off constantly.

After DQ we met up with Mrs. Gibbs at her place of employment, a winery! YAY! Actually I’m not a fan of wine really, but they served beer there so we were set. Plus we were going to see The Dark Knight so I wanted to be of sound mind and body.

Near the winery was a Dominoes pizza and a mom and pops market. We were sent over to the mom and pops market to pick up some ice. Once inside I couldn’t believe how awesome the place was. Complete with locals at our becking call ready to help us. We picked up some ice and I couldn’t help but notice the “Bobble Babes” beer coozie! I considered buying one for Gibbs, but figured the misses probably wouldn’t be to keen on the bouncing chest of Gibbs beer coozie.

After some time with Mrs Gibbs it was off to see the Dark Knight! If you couldn’t tell from my review above it was pretty sweet. So sweet in fact that the whole weekend was dubbed the Dark Knight Weekend. You see after the movie Gibbs and I met up with Mrs Gibbs while she was still working. The winery tasting room was a bit more busy as there was some live music.

There were also a lot of dudes wearing cutoff shirts. Strangest phenomenon.

We gots some beers then the most brilliant idea came upon us. Dude lets get a pizza from dominoes and play video games. Oh and get drunk. And that folks is what we did. Off to Dominoes! It was there, where the whole theme of the weekend came to fruition. Dominoes has a new special Gotham City Pizza that is indeed “cloaked” in 50% more pepperoni. (It also comes in this dope black box) Being the consumer whore that I am, it was immediately decided that we shall get the Dark Knight Pizza and head home.

The Dark Knight Pizza

The Dark Knight Pizza

"Cloaked" in 50% more pepperoni.

"Cloaked" in 50% more pepperoni.

From there we decided to do what we do best. Play video games.

It’s amazing how fast Gibbs and I fall back into our college days. Pizza, beer, jack daniels, and video games. Were pretty ok with this being our life. And we have no problems with it at all.

The drinking intensified and so did the shit talking while playing video games. We busted out NHL 01 for the playstation 2 knowing full well we have much cooler games we could be playing. However we spent many a college nights wasting away playing NHL 01 so it was only fitting we bring it back. After this game…

This Game Put Me Up 3 games to 1.

This Game Put Me Up 3 games to 1.

I was up 3 games to 1 on Gibbs. Which, unlike college, never happened. Gibbs had a tendency to whoop my ass at games a lot. But on this night, I felt cocky, I felt a swagger unlike before. It may have been the Jack, I dunno, but I decided to unleash a barrage of shit talking. I may or may not have included items that included his mother into the conversation. (PS Gibbs’ mom is a wonderful lady, and all shit talking about his mom, is not only untrue, but unwise.)

Gibbs took exception to my swagger and decided he had had enough…

Gibbs Humbles Me.

Gibbs Humbles Me.

I had been humiliated. At one point I think the score was 6-0. We played one more game in which I won, putting the weekend score 4-2 in favor of me. It felt good. Rarely did I beat Gibbs at vidoe games. But the beatings were far from over!!!!

We woke up the next afternoon, roughly around 11 and began to watch Parental Control on MTV. I kid you not when I say we probably watched a good 3 hours of it. What was even more sad was the simple fact that we’d flip back and forth between Parental Control and the Sox game on Fox. We decided that once we were ready to face the day (2 pm) we felt the need to start drinking. Gibbs was on a mission to get the ingredients for a drink he had consumed in the Big City. So off to Fred Meyer and the liquor store to get some soda, and some steak for our BBQ adventure we would be having that day.

We got back and immediately started drinking I with my Jack Daniels and Gibbs with his “Go-Go.” I believe that is what he had heard them called. We, however, decided that that was..
a.)not cool
b.) not manly
c.) just plain stupid.

So with that being said, Gibbs and I decided to call this drink…. of course…. the Dark Knight. Why, well first because it was so good that the drunkeness was probably going to sneak up on you like The Dark Knight. Second Gibbs decided to leave a knife in his drink all day long, so that it would more be in spirit of the Joker. He occasionally stirred his Dark Knight with his straw, but it was mostly for looks. And to up the toughness factor of the drink.

The Dark Knight concoction and Jack

The Dark Knight concoction and Jack

We had all day to waste so we got back to playing video games. However these were not your new fangled video games. We went old school with it and rocked Gibbs’ sit down Mrs Pacman game system. I’m not going to lie, we probably played video games for a good four hours. All the while drinking Jack and Cokes, and “Dark Knights.” We were both getting pretty drunk when we decided to start obtaining high scores on all sorts of games. Galaga. High score ours. Dig Dug. High score ours. Mrs. Pacman. High score Gibbs. I came in, and decided I would dominate some Donkey Kong. Gibbs laughed as I told him I would get the high score on Donkey Kong. Folks, for those of you who know, DK is one of the hardest video games in the world. I of course was not afraid.

Dedicated.

Dedicated.

BOO YAH DONKEY KONG!

BOO YAH DONKEY KONG!

After hours of playing video games, Mrs. Gibbs returned home, and we all headed out to see the Dark Knight again. Mrs. Gibbs had missed it the first night and we loved it so it was no problem seeing it again. However this time, Gibbs and I were already a little messed up. Of course we couldn’t let this go, so we filled some flasks and off to the theater.

At one point Gibbs and I were singing along to a wonderful song by Jason Mraz, when we exited the car, and he turned to me and said…. “we should’ve joined a boy band.” 9:10pm and Gibbs was hammered. I was too so it was extra funny and not at all true.

We proceeded to the concession stand to pick up some sodas to empty out our flasks of Jack into. We also picked up some candy. I was going to go for the M&M’s but the Reeces Pieces had Batman on them, and being the consumer whore that I am, changed my mind. The high schooler at the concessions picked up on this rather quickly, and joined in the fun
HS Boy: “would you like some dark knight butter for your popcorn?”
Us: “yes.”
HS Boy: “would you like a dark knight soda?”
Us: “yes.”
HS Boy: “would you like to buy my 1983 Dark Knight Honda Civic?”
Had he actually asked us this, I’m pretty sure we would have been driving home in the kids used car. Damn my whoreism.

We caught the Dark Knight for the second time. We got out, and Dan and I were a little smashed but that didn’t change our opinion. We got back to the house and all hung out for a little bit and drank a little bit more. about 1 in the morning we all called it a night. I said goodbye to Gibbs and Mrs Gibbs because I didn’t want to wake them in the morning. And with that, the Dark Knight weekend was over.

and what a weekend it was!





Gladys Knight, Bridesmaids, and Tragedy on the Dance Floor pt. 2…

16 07 2008

Before you read further, if you haven’t done so already please read part one.

DUE TO THE GRAPHIC NATURE OF THIS BLOG, VIEWER DISCRETION IS ADVISED.

The setup of the wedding was gorgeous. It was almost as if the two places were entirely unrelated to each other. Quite the contradiction if you ask me… but what do I really know.

The bridesmaids began their ascension to said “altar,” my Ex being one of these bridesmaids. Now I’ve been to a lot of weddings. And I’ve seen some pretty decent lineups. But to be honest folks, this was probably the best lineup of bridesmaids I’ve ever seen in my entire life. From top to bottom all of the girls looked gorgeous.

What was more fun, was that I knew almost all of them from college. I think that made it even better. Sometimes people go on and thier metabolism kicks in, and they ultimately have no choice in the matter. Luckily enough, these women did not have this problem.

However, the problem they did have was that most of them (5 outta 6) were already married. Which, I mean, is cool for them. I’m not actually sure it’s even a “problem” I’m just saying for the entire group of single guys (RPG and I) it’s just sometimes nice to attend a wedding where some bridesmaids get hammered and make out with random people…. (I smell foreshadowing)

The vows were said, the “I do’s” exchanged, and the special just married music played. After a short stint, people started to go and get their grub on. RPG and I of course waited until the line got a lot shorter. It was so much that the line was long, but we had just cracked open two Corona bottles and felt the need to stay strong together seeing as we only knew each other, aside from the bridesmaids.

Our little table of gayness (I looked great, RPG looked smashing, both sitting with each other, sipping Corona bottles in the middle of PBR country) was soon to be broken up by our wonderful friend Meg and her mother. We took this fine opportunity to catch all three of us up on our life goings on. Let me tell, it’s exceedingly hard to try to impress people by commenting on the amount of gaming you have done in recent months. At some point you realize that your gaming skills and current living arraignments are not going to impress anyone. So you must try other things. I went with my drinking abilities.

It was soon after RPG, Meg, and I were all caught up with each other that the bridesmaids had started convening around our table. Apparently the only other people they knew at the wedding were RPG and I also. So we went from looking gay, to REALLY looking gay for the simple fact that ALL the women were around. We should have timed it so a couple would come up slowly as the night progressed. I’m sure we were a couple pillows, and a face mask short of a slumber party in most the wedding goers minds.

Aside from the slumber partyesque look of our table, it really was nice getting to talk to some old college friends, and actually get to see/talk to my “date.” Thats right for those of you scoring at home, The Ex and I hadn’t gotten the opportunity to chat until everything was all said and done. The Ex and I have quite the history. I could bore you all with it now, but I’m going to sum it up very quickly.

Together.
Not Together.
Dating Other People.
Lil Baby. (not mine.)
Not Talking.
Years Pass.
Talking.
Friends Again.

That’s basically it. In a nutshell. Well, not so much a nutshell, but in word form.

Anyway, the night went on, and my date The Ex continued to drink a little bit more than she’s used to. I mean why not it is a celebration. RPG, Meg, the other bridesmaids and myself, all followed suit in drinking it up celebration style.

As it began to get dark we moved into the barn were it was lit up with tea lights, and white christmas lights all over. Again, it was like two weird worlds colliding to make me forget I was dancing in a barn.

At one point the younger people at the wedding formed two lines facing each other and two people matched up and danced down the middle of it. Similar to this scene in Hitch. It was a ton of fun. And yes, there was a robot or two. By me. There may have been a shopping cart maneuver. By me. And there may have been a dice maneuver made famous by Knocked Up.

However folks. This dice maneuver was NOT done by myself. At one point in the free for all dance off I was talking with a gentleman who was to go before me. As we were already on round three of four we both mentioned that we were running out of moves. As any white guy will tell you (aside from Justin Timberlake) our dance moves arsenal is very limited. So coming to the realization that I had one move left, I decided to say to this young gentleman….

Me: “Hey, I’m probably going to do the dice move…”
DANCE STEALER: “DUDE, sweet idea, I’m totally stealing it.”
Me: “Wait. What? Dude, you can’t……”

and with that he was off. Down the middle of the group with said hot bridesmaid pulling off what I can only describe as my stolen dance move. That bastard.

But now, I had to think quick on my feet. I didn’t have a back up move. I had to reach back into my mind… Find a dance move dammit! Find one quick!!!!!

And then it happened.

I panicked. The only thing that came to my mind was Jump On It from the Fresh Prince of Bel Air. And down the middle I went. It wasn’t the full dance, pretty much just the hip movements and maybe a little riding the pony. Maybe.

This my friends, however was NOT the tragedy on the dance floor that is mentioned in the title.

The wedding was coming to a close. So off we headed to change and get ready to meet up with all the wedding party at some bar in “town.” On our way back, a song came on the local radio station that RPG nor I had heard in years. Gladys Knight, Midnight Train to Georgia. I can’t tell you how much I love this song. Probably because I had forgotten how much of a classic it was and for the simple fact it wasn’t in my iTunes library.

So of course the system was cranked, and RPG and I shared another gay moment. Belting out at the top of our lungs, slamming my hands on the dashboard to the beat of the song, and all in all having a blast listening to the Pips, back up Ms. Knight as she carried us home. I’m smiling now just thinking about it again.

Back at Jenny’s place, RPG and I changed and waited for 3 of the bridesmaids including The Ex and Jenny, to meet up and head out. Jenny knew where we were going, so we all piled into the car and headed to the happening spot in Prineville on a Saturday night.

Now normally I wold remember the names of place we go so that I could write about them later. Unfortunately friends, I have no recollection of the name of the place we went. It really didn’t matter. We paid a 5 dollar cover (WTF?) and proceeded inside. We set up camp near the bar, thinking this would be the best place for us to readily get drinks when need be.

First round of drinks were on me. And once again, I found myself only buying a drink for RPG seeing as the minute the girls walked in the door, they were taken care of by all sorts of dudes. Can’t say I wasn’t a tad jealous. So gay moment number 12 for the wedding weekend.

We got our drinks and the greatest revelation came to me upon purchasing the round. According to my receipt, one Jack and Coke and one Coors Light came to approx $7. SEVEN DOLLARS! HOLY HELL this is great! I’ll be drinking all night! AND CHEAPLY! THANK THE LORD FOR SMALL TOWN ECONOMIES!!!

I decided that since I was drinking quite a bit at the wedding I would casually drink at the bar. Besides I wanted all my faculties for taking notes and people watching. But that all came to an abrupt end.

I guess its cool to adorn your little bar with metal high-backed chairs. I don’t think anyone would ever see this as causing a problem. Maybe it was because for the first time I decided to wear flip-flops out to a bar. And this was God’s way of punishing me. For somehow some way that chair came crashing down.

FUCK.

That is all I said as I stood there in the middle of our group. I took that son of a bitch like a man. Up here I would have looked around to see who’s ass I could kick. But I shortly realized I was a pilgrim in an unholy land. The only person to probably have my back would have been RPG, and while I would gladly take this on any given day, we were outnumbered. So, I just said fuck.

At first the pain didn’t kick in. Then I realized, that my toe had probably been broken under the weight of this massive metal chair. Upon further inspection I realized however, I was indeed bleeding. Upon further review with Meg’s camera, I realized my toe was indeed fucked.

The beer is definitely not mine.

The beer is definitely not mine.

It was at this point, that I realized I had no health insurance to help me out. So, instead of seeing a Dr. I did the next best thing. I drank. And friends I drank a lot to dull the pain. It worked. The pain had subsided for the night. Sort of.

However, I was not the only one drinking outta their minds. The Ex, decided she too needed some help from the mighty alcohol gods. So, there we all were. RPG, Meg and I to one side of the bar, and the bridesmaids and groomsmen near the other. Everyone having a good time…. when BAM! Everyone saw it coming except the two of them.

The Ex, and one of the groomsmen were making out on the dance floor. I’m not talking about a little kisses and pecks my friends, no it was full on making out. It was gloriously funny. I was proud of her. She was finally getting some from a decent guy after going months with dating douchebags and a-holes. (not me.) It was a site to see. I’m laughing now thinking about it.

The nights observations did not end there. As I continued to dull the pain, and The Ex continued to make out, I couldn’t help but notice a table of cougars ready to pounce. I’m not sure if it was me, or if it was RPG, but I do know, they wouldn’t let any little “young thing” stand in there way. They were on the prowl, and had we not hightailed it outta there, I reckon one of us would have been caught. A big thanks to the women who saved us from our impending doom.

Lastly. It is worth mentioning that Meg found a special place in my heart when she came up to me and was like, Look over there. There is a pregnant woman in a bar. Indeed folks, there was a VERY pregnant lady in the bar. It pained me to see the pregnant lady. I really had wished she had a kid there, so we could have all had the pleasure of quoting Sweet Home, Alabama (the movie not the song.) In saying… You have a baby. In a bar!

So, all in all I say this past weekend was a great success. Aside from my “date” making out with someone else. My toe getting black and blue, with a hint of red. And the long ass car rides (made enjoyable by both RPG, The Ex, and Ferguson.) Weddings are a great time. Seeing good friends after an extended period of time, is even better. Combine those two elements and what you get, is one amazing weekend.





Gladys Knight, Bridesmaids, and Tragedy on the Dance Floor pt. 1…

15 07 2008

I’m thinking that this little blog may be a two parter. I’m not sure yet. Obviously you’re going to know before I am based on the title. The title will remain the same, but in addition it will have a part 1 placed in the title. That’s how you’ll know before me that this is a two parter.

There is an epidemic that happens every summer. I’m pretty sure everyone is affected. You or someone you know has been touched by this epidemic that I for the for seeable future I don’t think will have any end in sight.

The epidemic I speak of boys and girls, are weddings.

Thats right, weddings. Every summer scores and scores of people are involved with a wedding of some sort. It’s somehow unavoidable. You think at some point you’re going to be in the clear, when all of a sudden you find yourself in a non air conditioned church, listening to a priest ramble on, wondering, how the hell I got here, and do I even know these two people. Hopefully you know the answers to most those questions.

I am one of those people that have been touched this summer. I was invited to a wedding of a college friend this past weekend by my ex-girlfriend in college.

With that being said, let me begin the long story. My roommate from college RPG and I had been in constant talks about him flying back out here to attend the wedding. The friend was both of ours but I hadn’t recently talked to her in a long time. That is where The Ex came in. She lived with the Bride and was friends with all of us. She not having a date asked if I would go with her. I said sure so the “date” was on.

RPG flew into town on the Friday before the wedding. In doing so he set up a little reunion of P.L.U.S. Team members for us all to get together. (PLUS team was Western Oregon Universities Freshman Orientation team of which I was a part of for a better part of 2 years.) So we all meet up at a nice little bar downtown and do what most PLUS team gatherings/meetings/parties consisted of. We drank. And we drank heavily. It’s good to know that some of us still have the good ole’ PLUS team attitude.

To my surprise my friend who we shall call Bam-Bam brought along two VERY good friends of mine that I haven’t seen in a couple years. Mr. Vidana and Slaton were brought along to enjoy this night of debauchery and shenanigans. And true to form, we got the night rolling by sharing stories of drinking, what we’ve been doing since college (or last seen each other.), rekindling old flames, and overall just realizing how much fun we all had together, and pretty much just how awesome we all were. I have to say it was a glorious night. One that didn’t see me reaching my bed till the wee hours of the morning.

So Saturday morning rolls around and RPG and I had decided to meet up and take the arduous task of driving 3 and a half hours down to a very small town in Eastern Oregon, named Prineville. Now for those of you new to this blog and me, you’ll not know, that I hate the outdoors. I hate being hot. I hate small towns. And if you know anything about the geography of Oregon, you’ll know that Prineville is all of the aforementioned things.

RPG and I decide that we need some food. So we stop off at a Carl’s Jr and I knew this was going to be a sweet little trip. Whilst inside of said Carl’s Jr. we couldn’t help but notice the abundance of cub scouts raoming the place. There literally had to have been 30 cub scouts with 5-6 of their leaders roaming around supervising. (I use that term loosely.) As we sat there and enjoyed our food, we couldn’t help but notice and make an observation.

RPG: “Aren’t scouts supposed to, I dunno, fend for themselves?”
Me: “I was thinking the exact same thing. Like, what the fuck are you guys doing at a Carl’s Jr.?” “Don’t you have some wilderness fire cooking a bear or something?”
RPG: “I know right?”
Me: “I”m pretty sure the decline of western civilizationis becuase the cub scouts of this country have gone soft.”
RPG: “I totally agree. No way I’d ever be a scout these days.”
Me: “well dude, that’s cause you’re like 28. I don’t think they allow scouts that old.”
RPG: “True, but still, I mean who’s thier role model these days?” “It had better not be that dude over there with the different colored handkerchief.” “He’s gotta be the one who suggested Carl’s Jr.”
Me: “Yeah but if you think about it, at 9 years old, if someone offered to take me to Carl’s Jr. and buy me the Capt N’ Crunch Milkshake, I’d be stoked, and he’d probably be my hero. Handkerchief or not.” “It’s also probably why I was a candidate for kidnappings.”
RPG “Probably right, but you know who’d make me want to be a scout?”
Me: …..
RPG: “Bear Grylls.” “That man is bad ass.”
Me: “FACT!” “Any man who picks up snakes, bends them almost in half, and eats them… is bad ass in my book!” “I may have even stayed in the scouts a lot longer had a I had a role model like him.” “Needless to say, I had the dude with the different colored handkerchief.”
RPG: “Bear Grylls would have used that handkerchief to kill someone you know…”
Me: “yeah.” “Scouts are such pussies.”

ps, Make sure to check out Bear Grylls on Man vs. Wild on the Discovery Channel.

So after our adventure at Carl’s Jr. we kept a heavy foot and drove all the way down to the bright lights of Prineville. Our drive was great. It’s always good to see and hang out with RPG. Good memories that we had for the 2 and a half years of living together. There was a lot of reminiscing about the times we had with the Ex, The Bride, and many others during our college days. The air conditioning, the conversation, and the gatorade made the trip very pleasant.

We got to the middle of nowhere and set up camp our friend Jenny’s parents home. Actually it was the “bunk house” is what it was called. It consisted of a large queen bed, and pull out couch and a Kitchen/bathroom area. Not the greatest accommodations in the entire world, but for one night, it was perfect. The fridge was even stocked with beer, so we were able to start a little bit early.

We decided to have a beer, and then relax. The tv in the room had the rabbit ear antenna so our choices of channels was very limited. We settled on watching EXTRA with Mario Lopez, which in hindsight was not the only choice the made us look gay. More on that in a bit.

We both dozed off for a nice little nap. Woke up to our cell phone alarms notifying us that it was indeed time to get ready. We both began to lay out our clothes and make final decisions on what to wear. RPG mentioned he was only going to wear a polo. To which I informed, that it was indeed a wedding, and at least a button down shirt would be appropriate. I couldn’t have been more wrong.

I decided to forgo the BR light colored suit that I had purchased last year, in favor of a white shirt, grey slacks, and black half boots. I busted out a black tie that had thin silver stripes in it. If the light caught it just right, it would look as if it was shiny/glittery. Which was good, for I call this tie, my stripper lure. Strippers LOVE glitter, so why not rock something that indeed resembles a little glitter… once they see it, they’re instantaneously attracted to it, and therefore, attracted to me.

Off to the wedding we went. Upon arrival, I immediately felt overdressed. As we were pulling up, I saw a gentleman in a button down shirt, jeans, and of course, his cowboy boots. In addition this man, was rocking probably one of the sweetest handlebar mustaches that I have ever seen. Props to you good man. props to you.

We parked the car on one side of the barn to get out and notice the wildlife all around. I felt so uncomfortable for I was indeed a “city kid” trying to look normal at this wedding. Sheep, Llamas, pigs, goats, cows, you name it. All there. I felt almost like a kid again and was about to pay 5 bucks to go inside the pens, and enjoy a little petting zoo magical journey! All of this came to an abrupt end, whilst passing the BBQ pit, and noticing that the nights main course was indeed spinning on it.

Now, many of you may be thinking that this was/resembled a white trash wedding. Well boys and girls, it was indeed not. We turned the corner around the barn, and saw a beautiful set up of tables with white linens, that surrounded a dock that jetted out into a beautiful lake. It was awesome. The aisle split down the middle of the tables and led straight to the “altar.” It was indeed a beautiful time.

to be continued….





Summertime Update

9 07 2008

Hey all…

just thought I would drop by and update you all on the goings on of, well, me.

The attempt at going to the gym has been ongoing. I’m glad to report I’m going more days that I’m not. However in recent news, I feel as if I have obtained a stress fracture in my foot. I’m not sure how or when, I just know that when I run on the treadmill I have shooting pains from my ankle up my calf. The rest of the time my ankle feels great. So this put a damper on my hopes and dreams of running a full marathon and breaking the little tape banner at the end. I’ve moved on now from the treadmill to the elliptical machine.

I can’t tell you how degrading the whole feeling of an elliptical machine is. I know my little computer in front of me is telling me that I’ve gone the same distance, I’ve burned the same calories, but to be honest, it just doesn’t feel the same. Of course it could also be the fact that yesterday some 80 year old lady was whoopin my ass not only in miles, but also in resistance.

I happen to have a gigantic competitive streak in my body. I can turn almost anything into a competition. Most of which I think I can win. In the realm of working out, I need these competitions to continue to do what I do. So imagine my surprise when I was indeed losing out to grandma.

I was indeed angry. My only solace came from working out right underneath the air conditioning. I love the air conditioning.

I’ve also picked up some boxing. About a year or two ago I was actually enrolled and taking boxing classes. Well that came to a halt when I began working two different jobs, then got promoted and wasn’t able to make the classes. This was a tad disappointing for I love boxing, because not only is a great workout, and huge stress reliever, but I am able to effectively use this on my little brothers. To great success mind you.

My family indeed got a heavy bag in which was placed outside, and in addition to my acting like a gazelle running from a lion, I’ve been hitting the heavy bag every day as well. All of this was fine and dandy until I garnered another injury involving my knuckles. I can’t say exactly what happened, cause I don’t know. I do however know that my middle knuckle on my right had (the one I use for knocking someone out) is really sore.

All of this is neither here nor there, but I just would like to point out, none of these are beneficial as I get older, aaaaaaand, having no health insurance to determine the extent of these injuries is loads of fun too.

In recent developments I found this weeks sign that the apocalypse is upon us.
Just about my entire family has decided to join facebook. This, my friends, is not good.

Quick question, how many of you have gone through and looked at all the available options for keeping your profile private? Maybe one? Possibly two of you?

Well ladies and gents, I have. The thing of it is, and I’m not sure I’ve brought this up before in my blog, but I was indeed raised Mormon. Now those of you that have followed along, will know that I may not be the best Mormon they have ever met, and my friends themselves can attest that I may not be the best Mormon ever.

With that being said, I have gone through taken out all the pictures of me drinking, and carousing with sluts. (The later part really doesn’t happen I just thought I’d right that to sound a little more bad ass.) In addition I’ve gone through and removed all tagging of me. At frist I thought being tagged was a cool thing. That way if hot friends of hot friends ever saw me on random pages, they would be able to be like….ooooh who’s that? Oh that’s his name I should totally “poke” him.

While this scenario has never come to fruition, the scenario of friends tagging me participating in a beer pong tourney and my newly internet savvy family coming across pictures of me standing on the podium championship trophy in hand is 100% likely. (And with my luck, going to happen regardless.)

However, I have been moved to all of my families “top friends,” so I gotta be excited about that, right?

In other news all my shenanigans and debauchery can be found on MySpace.

The last part of all this, I was back at the radio station helping them out because one of their promotions people left suddenly. I got a call from Mives (who happens to be one of my favorite people let alone one of my favorite bosses) asking me if I could come back and help. I agreed and back at the station I was.

It was quite the expierence really. I went from a big sweet office with a huge window and comfy chairs to, sitting in a cube with 3 other people. It was different. The thing that hasn’t changed was the people that are there. I have a lot of friends at that place and it was great working with them again. I can honestly say that I miss the people there. They make that place amazing, and I was a bit bummed to be gone again.

Which brings me to this, I am no longer at the station and back to trying to find a job again. Which is one of the worst things in the entire world.

I’ve got some pretty sweet shenanigans coming up like a birthday celebration, and a college friends wedding so maybe just maybe I’ll have some funnier stuff to post…. until then.