Memorable Memorial

29 05 2008

First things first.

I saw Indiana Jones, twice. And I thought it was great. There are some people out there who are going to say, it sucked. It was cheesy. It had too many special effects. Harrison Ford “mailed it in.”

Well I say go eff yourself!

I don’t really mean that.

wait.

Yes I do.

For those of you old enough to have seen any of the previous three Indy movies in the theaters, then this one is going to bring back all the fun you had the first time. Right down to the theme music at the very end. I’m not going to say it was the best out of the 4… cause it wasn’t. But it was fun and I liked it. So go out and see Indiana Jones. It’s fun and it’s a great summer popcorn movie. No more no less.

I may even be excited if Shia Lebouf takes on the role as the new Indy, I mean his name is Henry Jones the 3rd. nice…..

Now that I’ve got Indy out of the way, it’s time to talk about how much booze I consumed over the past couple of days. Normally I’ve been sticking to my workout regime and by that I mean cutting back on the numbers of days I tend to drink. I’ve waned it down from a solid 5 outta 7 days, to a solid 1 maybe two a week. With that being said, I’ll have it be known, that just because my days of drinking have diminished, my intake has not.

This however was not the case this past weekend. My good friend Leeds rolled into town from China. Yup, China. And nope, he’s not Chinese. He’s not even Asian. Just a good old white boy from Oregon who’s job has taken him to China. Leeds and I attended the same high school. We’ve known each other for a couple years. He’s been gone a couple of years, so when he comes to town we usually try to drink till we can’t stand celebrate.

In past years, some of the festivities have included, me standing on a chair and challenging someone to a fight, Leeds singing the Ricky Martin classic “She Bangs” to some random cougars, and the biggest celebration ended by Stampy driving me home and me puking in the front lawn of my parents house. Class 24/7 folks.

So this year was unlike no other… we proceeded to our favorite Irish bar and got some dinner and proceeded to drink ourselves silly. And by silly I mean drunk off our asses. Go us. It was a celebration unlike any other. Stampy bought some wonderful shots for these two ladies who proceed to a.) treat him like he may have leprosy and b.) believe he may have roofied both the shots. (I would have gladly taken both the shots to prove that neither of the shots had been roofied, but I’m pretty sure that would have completely defeated the purpose of buying shots for women. Jury’s still out.)

All in all I believe there were a total of 8 rounds of drinks. Sadly there were no renditions of She Bangs, however there was a rousing version of Sweet Caroline that we felt necessary to back up the band. All in all a good night. Leeds went back to China this Monday with some great memories, and some equally fuzzy ones.

We got together with some other friends the next night, and again the booze flowed. Had a great time discussing my latest idea of “NapNation”®

Picture this, you’re at work, and you get off at 5:00 yet you were planning on meeting friends, at 7:30 to get drinks/see a movie whatever. You are thinking, home is too far away to drive home, and you really don’t want to stay late at work. You’re exhausted and you could really use a nap…. This is where NapNation® comes in!

NapNation® is where you could stop by and rent a bed/room for a pretty decent rate. The room would be filled with all sorts of magical relaxing agents to help you get a decent little nap in before meeting up with your friends. And trust me, most of my friends have asked me many a questions about the logistics of NapNation® and I am here to inform you I’ve thought about many of them. Please hold all your questions till the end.

Anyway, I’m basically just saying this to prove that I have wonderful ideas when I’m drunk.

So finally the end of Memorial Day came with a wonderful trip up to Seattle to see the Red Sox take on the Mariners. I would like to say that this trip was without booze, but that would be blasphemy against the great American tradition of beer, baseball, and processed cheese. For the most part the weekend was pretty tame and walking around a sunny Seattle was a pretty great treat, considering Seattle has like 4 sunny days a year. I’m pretty happy that I got to witness at least one of them.

Jdub and I ventured down to the Pyramid Brewery about 2 hours before game time to catch the Celtics v Pistons on TV and drink some overpriced beer. Well, the inside of the bar was extremely packed. It was basically standing room only…. and it was packed with Sox fans. Which was awesome. Nothing like outnumbering the home teams fans at their own ballpark and bars. It was like the 18th street Vatos rolling into the 12th street Dragons yet all the Dragons had something more important to do then defend their turf.

So there we were minding our own business taking in the sights of the bar. We were quickly surrounded by some very interesting characters. The first two were a lesbian couple oddly enough from Portland. Next, was the fruit vendor, the 6’4 firefighter, and his buddy…

Now if this group already sounds hilarious, it was. It was the perfect group for our own reality show. Somehow we all became aquatinted and once the booze started flowing things became a little more funny. First was the fruit vendor. It was a sad little story watching him trying to run game on one of the lesbian women. And he would give up either. He kept trying and trying, almost pretending as if he didn’t hear her say…. “I’m not any good at sucking.” “I’m a lesbian.” “Me and My girlfriend….” All of these were direct quotes, and all of these did nothing to deter our friend the fruit vendor.

Speaking of the fruit vendor, at one point our friend the 6’4 firefighter asked us all… anyone from the east coast?? To which most of us replied no, I mentioned that I had lived in Londonderry New Hampshire, but other than me the only one to respond was the fruit vendor. To which he replied in “an outta nowhere” Boston accent, that he was indeed from some east coast town. (I can’t honestly remember which one, for the shock and awe of the accent rendered me speechless and deaf.)

Literally after about a hour and a half fruit vendor was still running game on Lesbian number one. It was mighty impressive the determination on this guy. At one point we found out that the two lesbians actually were from the same area as Jdub and I. After a little more conversation, we found out that Lesbian number two is actually a cop with Jdubs ex-boyfriend… More hilarity ensued over the making fun of how dorky Jdubs ex-bf was, but even more hilarity ensued when lesbian number one proceeded to get very very intoxicated.

At one point someone joined the group late and brought some girl along with him. To start they weren’t very talkative, and well lesbian number one took a great exception to this. At one point, she looked over at Jdub and I and exclaimed (and not quietly mind you) “that girl he brought, she’s like the fucking ice queen.” To which I laughed and brought up the scene from Saving Silverman. The one with the graph chart of how much fun was had….
“Before Ice queen joined the group, we were at an all time high of fun. 98%. After ice queen showed up we were at an all time low in fun. Zero fun.”

As we all discussed what we did, and what made us awesome (other than being sox fans) lesbian number one shouted, to the 6’4 firefighter… “fuck you’re like the coolest person here, you run into burning buildings, my girlfriend gets shot at with real bullets, this dudes a fruit vendor, and I sling coffee at starbucks. What the fuck do you two do?”

(at this point I must interject another little story about Fruit vendor. Remember when we were talking about the east coast and his Boston accent magically appeared? Right, well right at the point lesbian number one mentioned he was a fruit vendor, he turned to the group to proclaim… “it’s very profitable situation.” To which I couldn’t help but notice, muther fucking fruit vendor NOW has a lisp? Holy hell….)

I mentioned I worked in radio which was met with awe, and Jdub replied something about events etc etc and being awesome. Lesbian one was impressed. We had made it to coolness in the eyes of a drunken lesbian. Life goal completed.

After two hours of drinking, and endless running game we decided to part ways from the group. We all said our goodbyes and good lucks to the Sox.

More beers were had at the game and the Sox went on to win 5-3. It was a great night for baseball and a great trip to be had. I’m not sure if JDub has heard from her ex-bf yet, but I’m pretty sure there is going to be some sort of mention. I mean those lesbians were funny.

Which brings me to the moral of this story….

beer, baseball, and processed cheese has the power to bring us all together. As fans. As Humans. And as a Nation. God Bless America.

and lesbians.

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This Blog Is Legen… Wait For It…. Dary!!!

18 05 2008

I pretty much love How I Met Your Mother. LOVE IT! Barney Stinson is amazing. The show reminds me way to much of my own life.

I mean it’s really weird some of the parallels that I’ve drawn from some of the episodes.

Like Okay Awesome where they all go to a club in NY and the majority of the episode is done subtitles. Which was freakin awesome. Everyone who’s ever been to a club know just how hard it is to talk to someone at a club. 90% of the time, you have no idea what the other person said. Or they’re leaning in so close to your ear, that you can actually feel your eardrum being pierced with each syllable. So as of late I can’t say I’ve been a big fan of “going out” to the clubs. But when a good friend comes into town and you’ve got VIP, you go.

My good friend Ms. C(the italics are for emphasis for being that awesome, kinda like a Ms. Janet if your nasty kinda thing. In addition that will be the last mention of Ms. Janet if ya nasty ever again in this blog). came rolling into town from DC. So I made it a point to make it to the club. The whole experience reminded me of the episode. Ms C. and I hanging out having some drinks, and talking some mad shit! I mean, to everyone. Being an asshole is probably one of my favorite things to do… and when combined with some friends, and Jack, I can be pretty funny. The beauty and the parallel came because of the loud music, and no one being able to hear us except the two of us. Which is good, cause Pop-and-lock dude probably would have wanted to kick my ass. Which, considering, would be merited.

Another parallel that actually came from that same episode was when Barney unwittingly was dancing with his cousin. And after laughing my ass off, I couldn’t help but realize this was another parallel in my life. Wait, not my life, but essentially a friend of a friend may or may not have dated a cousin of theirs. Allegedly the cousin was twice removed or through marriage so “technically” ok, but still… another strange parallel.

Then of course there is the episode where Barney goes after the cougar. A little time back my friend Mr. Royal had moved and we didn’t spend the quality time we used to. Back in the day we used to know who each of us was “running game” on and whether or not we approved. (we totally did 99% percent of the time cause are standards are AWESOME.) Well once the move took place we didn’t quite have the communication about the lady friends we once did. So it came to my surprise the day Mr. Royal had let me in on his current conquest of a cougar. I was taken aback. But I knew that if anyone was netting a cougar, at least Mr. Royal’s was hot.

Another parallel that most guys will attest to is of course the “crazy eyes.” At one point one of the characters starts dating a new girl. Upon the first meeting the two other guys notice right away that the chick has “crazy eyes.” For those of you who don’t know (ladies) some people have crazy eyes. I’m not talking about a lazy eye, or being cross eye, it is literally a window to the soul of the individual. It lets us know that you are indeed crazy. You may not be now, you may not be soon, but you will indeed be crazy… and it is in fact in the eyes.

Speaking of crazy…

This graph is true. TBIC.

Lastly one of my favorite episodes from this season was No Tomorrow. Where the main character Ted, utilizes St. Patrick’s Day to live like there is no tomorrow. Literally drinking a ton and making out with random girls. He wakes up in the morning and has to have Marshall recount his evening activities. This episode spoke to me on so many levels. First, this is one of the only tv shows to recognize SPD for what is is. Another day for people to gather and get shit faced by as early as 2 pm, on a weekday. I am not going to lie, I’ve skipped work for SPD. I’ve taken 2 days off of work one year for what can only be described as the Perfect Storm of Drinking. It happened to be the first two days of the NCAA March Madness Tournament on Thursday and Friday and SPD Celebrations all weekend long. Unlike the guys on that fateful trip, I did not die. And at some point in my life, my story of the Perfect Storm of Drinking, shall be heard.

The second part of the episode, I believe I already documented by the amount I drank and what I remember. There was no making out with girls, but I indeed had to have a friend recount some of the nights activities. Another parallel.

I’m not sure if it’s just because I’m the same age as the characters in the show. Or if it’s cause I’m going through some of the same things they are. But I love How I Met Your Mother. I think you will too. Make sure to check it out, Mondays at 8:30pm on CBS. If you have other things to do… make sure to at least Tivo it and watch when you have some free time. I can guarantee the time spent watching will be LEGENDARY!

ps… if you already watch and haven’t already, make sure to check out Barney’s blog.





I Hate Who I’ve Become…..

12 05 2008

So I broke down and actually watched the Hills “finale.” I know I’ve told many of you that I wouldn’t watch or write about it again. But I figured this was worthy of a little mentioning. I watched the episode online, (west coasters you can watch after 7 o’clock online. Totally saves your entire night. Trust me.)

I’m not going to go into how much I hate the people on this show. I’m not. My hatred has grown more and more over the past couple weeks, and as some of you know, it’s spilled over into my writings about the show. Well tonights episode was not unlike any other viewing, except my hatred grew even bigger. Since I was watching online, I was also chatting with a friend of mine, another devoted fan who I talk to about reality tv quite a bit.

What transpires next is a true account of what happened after the show had gone off the air. The names have been changed, but the words have not.

doubledown: FUUUUUUUCKKKKK!!!!!!!!!
licia00: whattttt
doubledownI just finished the “finale”
doubledown: I thought, I had sworn off the hills. Then the preview for “next season (august)” came up.
doubledown: I’m really fucking intrigued.
doubledown: fuck
doubledown: fuck
licia00: i know.
licia00: we’re going to get sucked in. face it.
doubledown: son of a bitch.
doubledown: i’m pissed.
licia00: we should have hills hate parties
doubledown: we should. wait… No we shouldn’t!!!
doubledown: fuck.
doubledown: i’ve let myself down.
licia00: it’s ok.
doubledown: I don’t think it is.
licia00: you think you’re the only one that hates themselves for watching the hills?
licia00: silly,.
doubledown: I don’t think I”m the only one…
doubledown: but i’m just sick to my stomach cause I tried telling myself, no more hills. I really did this time.
licia00: hahha
doubledown: I’m kinda upset you find this funny.
licia00: 😦 
licia00: dont be douchey, i’ll start calling you spencer.
doubledown: I just…. I’m just at a loss at the moment.
doubledown: and that my friend, was uncalled for.
licia00: haha
licia00: you have several months to rehab yourself of the hills
doubledown: Is this what a crackhead feels like?
licia00: most likely.
doubledown: it just hurts.
doubledown: and I know all summer long I’m goign to be all good, and not watch one rerun and try not to get upset when the “crew” shows up on the blog sites.
doubledown: but once August rolls around, I don’t know if i’m going to be able to resist that temptation.
licia00: im sure there are some groups we can join
doubledown: I really do hope so. I’m extremely dissapointed in myself.
licia00: we’ll get through this.
licia00: HA.
licia00: Hills Anonymous
doubledown: Like you know when you’re parents/best friends/significant others use the…… I’m not mad. I’m disappointed….. that’s the exact feeling I have now.
doubledown: Like future me is going to bitch slap me, and say I told you so back in May.
doubledown: really Hills Anonymous? HA?
licia00: also, HA as in…hilarity
doubledown: also very true.
licia00: i hate to love this show.
doubledown: me too.

I’m really dissapointed in myself friends. ugh.

maybe there’s a support group or something on Facebook.

god I hate me.





Kentucky, Tequila…..

4 05 2008

So as we all know television on Saturdays for the most part really sucks. A lot of re-runs, a lot of stupid sports most people have never heard of, and more than likely The Goonies, Roadhouse, or Back to the Future are on some channel.

(I”m pretty positive that those three movies have contracts with all the networks in the world to continue to play those movies over and over again. Not that I’m complaining, I happen to love the Goonies, and I’m not going to lie, I can’t pass up watching Roadhouse every time it’s on TV. There is just something about Patrick Swayze carrying around his own medical history every time he gets in a bar fight. Which if you’ve seen the movie is roughly every 10 minutes, when Swayze isn’t having sex, being zen, or training. Plus there is a dope scene with a polar bear.)

Anyway, sorry for that tangent. My point is, this past Saturday I was channel surfing through the channels. I happened to catch Tila Tequila’s reality show, A Shot of Love 2. I’m not going to lie. I totally watched the first season. In secret of course. Part of the reason I think was because it was a even bigger train wreck than Rock of Love. Which as everyone knows is pretty hard to top. So I’m watching Tila, which for the record, I can’t figure out why she’s famous, or why she has her own show.

I happen to think that a camera crew following me and some of my friends around on any given theme party, a random weekend, or a Thirsty Thursday would provide tons and tons of material for people to enjoy for at least a 12 episode arc. Plus if MTV’s needed another reality dating show, I’m pretty sure we can totally rig something. Because it seems to me the formula for any MTV (or any dating show) consists of Alcohol, loose women, and ignorant dudes. (Also the formula for the Real World.)

So while I’m cursing myself in my head for actually watching the show I came across this fine little realization…..
This my friends is Sibrina.

Every year because I live so far from Fenway Park, I make it a priority to see some Sox games close to home. I live in the pacific northwest so the closest place for me to take in a game is in beautiful Seattle WA, and Safeco Field. On my last visit to Safeco Field to see the mighty Red Sox, my friend and I decided to meet up with one of my friends who I used to work with in radio. He usually hosted a club night and told us we could get in free. This sounded like the perfect idea. Night out the day before the game, free entrance to the club, and a quick cab ride to the venue.

We got to the club and it really could only be explained as a Coyote Ugly type bar. Chicks were tough, but hot, whiskey flowed like the salmon of Capistrano, American flags here and there, and of course a mechanical bull. They have these girls who walk around with little “beakers” for shot glasses and they’re like a dollar (or 10 but at some point I lost track.) So I’m not going to lie… I may have had 5-6 little shots pair that with 5-6 actual Jack and Cokes (and half a bottle at the hotel.)

Needless to say I was drunk. We spent the time drinking and having fun. It was a good night. The girls are trained in being teases and they do it well. I can only hope that some of my money went to help them with their college education. At one point while with my buddy one of the girls caught my eye… and it just so happened to be the mechanical bull operator! While I was my usual drunk self and didn’t introduce myself, or even say to many words to her, my good friend was competent enough to get this picture….

That’s right boys and girls, that is me in the picture, and that is indeed Sibrina from Shot of Love 2. Obviously she is my front runner to be the winner of Shot of Love but I may be biased. Turns out while watching the episode Tila and Sibrina totally make out, a lot. I’m not sure what was worse in this world…. knowing that Sibrina likes chicks, or the fact that Tila Tequila and I have the same taste in women.

After my daunting self realization I decided to change the channel. I really couldn’t find much to watch, so I settled on the Kentucky Derby. Or what I thought was the Kentucky Derby. It was in fact the Kentucky Derby Pre Show.

WTF????

A Kentucky Derby Pre Show? Who the fuck thought this was a good idea? The race itself last 2 minutes. The pre show was an 2 HOURS before the actual race took place. At first I couldn’t believe what I was watching. I mean, I was actually watching the red carpet to the Kentucky Derby. There was Billy Bush interviewing “celebrities” as they walked down the red carpet. Asking them who they’re betting for, and actually just making awkward conversation. My favorite probably could have been the interaction between Billy Bush and Michael Strahan. See if you can google it.

One of the two best were Bo Derek, and Molly Simms. Wow did Molly look hot and where has she been lately. Its as if the modeling world is missing a superhero. And who knew that she was from Kentucky. So her and Ashley Judd are about the only two redeeming qualities of Kentucky. Aside from Bourbon. (and NO Kentucky basketball does not count for any type of redeeming quality.)

While former models entertained me, there was one part that stood out from the rest. You see, there is no other sport in the World that makes the attendees realize their actual place in the grand scheme of things. I mean really, the huge separation of the people with money, who sit in the Grandstands, and the po’ folk, who reside in the Infield. (Allegedly the infield is 10 times more fun than any stuffy grandstand with stupid hats.) My favorite part was when the cut to “millionaires row.” Really?!? They have a millionaires row? Where only millionaires can go? How effed up is that? But what caught my attention, was when they interview Terrel Owen in millionaires row.

You know when colleges send out their promotional pamphlets and such trying to get you to apply for thier college. Well little known fact there is a lot of thought that goes into those pamphlets. Like just exactly how many different ethnic groups are represented in any given photo. Let’s just say that the people who put that much thought into those types of photos were obviously not around for the arrangement of this particular interview. I couldn’t help but laugh seeing TO in front of the camera, with nothing but a sea of white (old) people in the background. Turns out, millionaires row is rolling in old money. I found it a tad humorous.

I’ve never really thought of Kentucky as a really progressive, forward thinking state, but allegedly I”m totally wrong. Apparently in the forming of a pre show, someone thought it would be a “fabulous” idea to have two gay guys determine the winner of the Kentucky Derby based on what the jockeys would be wearing. Here I was thinking Kentucky was a Red State.
“Yes’ Kent, this looks like a fabulous racing silk.”
“Bob I totally agree, I’m going to pick this jockey for the light blue, yellow polka dotted top.”
“I’m going to have to agree Kent, but I’m going to pick the jockey who’s wearing this green and pink top..”

It was hilarious. It was awkward. And dammit I loved every second of it. Of course neither of the riders won, and who thought they would have. That’s like picking your march madness bracket on the color of the uniforms. Never works.

at the end of the day, after Big Brown won the race, and Eight Belles had been put down, I really only had one thought about the Kentucky Derby…..

I wonder if I could pull off the Seersucker Suit?