Letters To The Gym

18 04 2008

Morning all. I’m writing this so very a little hungover, so if it turns out not funny well then you can suck it!

Dear Lady,
It came to our attention that whilst running yesterday you happened to grunt loudly. At first we thought you were laughing while watching the View. Then we thought about the actual probability of that and realized that could not be possible. So based on our powers of deduction, you grunted through your entire work out. Which by our calculations (and sneaking a peak at your treadmill) lasted 3.2 miles and 25 minutes. Please try to a.) stop your grunting. b.) at least mute your grunting, because even PUSHING the headphones into our EARDRUMS did not cause the sounds to go away.

Thank you for your time.

Dear Nordstrom Shopper,
I couldn’t help but notice you’ve purchased a brand new peach Velour tracksuit. I know you told yourself that you wanted to get to the gym more. And I know while you were out shopping with a couple of your cougar friends that they all told you how cute that would look on you while you were working out, but I’ve gotta say, you’re no Jenny from the Block. And peach really isn’t your color. I do however applaud you for taking the time to pick out the perfect outfit, curl your hair, and put on a dash of makeup in hopes of catching the eye of your young trainer. Do work mam. Do work.

Thank you for your time.

Dear Sir,
Good day sir. We couldn’t help but notice that your cologne is actually choking the people running next to you. We here at the gym had no idea you were wanting to make such an impression. We also couldn’t help but noticing (after wiping away tears from our eyes cause your cologne was burning them) that your usual walking partner, your wife, is not with you today. This struck us as odd, but we then realized the reason for the cologne. We also couldn’t help but notice you were reading a gun magazine.

Pages and pages of guns.

Please disregard the aforementioned paragraph. We are giving you a free memebership and will do what we can to make you as happy as possible.

Thank you for your patronage.

Dear Zombie Walker,
We here at the Gym love a good Zombie movie! It looks as if you may have had a bit part in one of those Zombie movies. That’s great! What’s not so great is that you can’t pick your feet up when walking on the treadmill. We’re not sure if you’re a method actor, or training for a new part. What we are sure of is the fact that your shoes squeak with EVERY STEP! PICK UP YOUR GODDAMN FEET YOU’RE WALKING!

Our apologies. Sometimes our customer services isn’t what it used to be.

Thank you for your patronage.

Dear Texter,
Greetings valued member of our gym. We would first like to say it is a pleasure to have you paying your dues. We love it. In fact it’s so awesome that you pay your dues every month like you pay your cell phone bill every month. Heaven forbid you not bring your cell phone to work out. I mean, who cares that people are waiting for treadmills, and you keep stopping your “work out” to text people. Who cares that you told Sandy last week that she should have gone to the doctor for her “thing.” Who cares, that people are STILL waiting for the F’ing treadmill! Good lord, you’re not even hot, who could be calling you.

Again, the gym would like to apologize for that last comment. (although it’s true) We apologize, and would like to thank you for paying your membership fees.

Thank you for your patronage.

Enjoy the weekend everyone.