I’m A F’ing Pageant Queen.

26 02 2008

So some of you may know….. wait. Actually non of you know cause I’ve never brought it up here.

Well then, a little bit of an backstory is necessary. You see I think one of the reasons I started blogging is because I was (still am) out of my mind bored. I was laid off from my dream job back in October.

I used to work in radio as a Music Director for an adult format station. And no, not that type of adult station. You know the type that plays Elton John, Billy Joel, and mixes in some new shit from Kelly Clarkson or Daughtry. You know, the station your mom used to listen to in the car, and the one you hear while you’re getting your teeth sanded down! Now I’m not saying this was my format of choice, but I worked my ass off and earned my way to one of a radio stations top spots.

And to be honest with you it was fun! It was the best job i’ve ever had. Quite frankly now that I think about it, that’s not really saying that much. Considering I’ve worked at a big box electronics store I shall call the “Buy More.” And I’ve worked at an indoor playground by the name of SuperPlay. Both of witch jobs if I were to still be doing, I may have chosen to slit my wrists and die.

That is all besides the point though. The point is I was laid off. 

Now being laid off has its advantages. I can play World of Warcraft all day long with only lunch/dinner and bathroom breaks to interrupt me. I can stay up till all hours of the night watching Cheaters/Elimidate/RonCo on television. I can also go to Vegas and not care about being sober enough to return to work the next day. With all these pluses comes the downside.

I don’t make any money (other than unemployment) and I have to look for a job. Now I don’t know about you but I can’t stand looking for a job. I wish the job would somehow show up on my doorstep like the baby Moses. But unfortunately that’s not the plan.

So as it happened I came across a promising job that I felt I would really enjoy. It was with a small advertising agency that I though I would do well at. I was put through the process of two interviews, in which I thought I did smashing.

I have to say, that some time in my past I actually dated pageant queen. She was Ms. Small Ass County that entitled her a trip to compete in State. If she were to win at State, it was on to Miss America, WHOO HOO *fist pump*!! Now if you’re a dude and you’re reading this, you have hopefully given me a successful internet blog high five, just for the simple fact that a dude you pseudo know bagged a pageant queen. (ps as a sidebar they’re TOTALLY not supposed to do that.) Anyway, when you’re dating a pageant queen they expect to win. They do all sorts of crazy shit for six months in attempts to win. Diet, exercise, take pills, throw up, practice their talent, practice their platform and who knows what else. Most of the time in expense of spending time with reality.

After all this is said and done a pageant queen comes away winning or losing. There really is no middle ground. When they win, all is right with the world. When they lose. EVERYTHING is wrong. Their dress was the wrong color, vaseline didn’t make me smile enough, Susie had bigger breasts, my speech wasn’t good enough, I did an 7 counts instead of 8 in my dance, the judge thought I was a whore, my platform sucked… all of these and MILLIONS more a pageant queen thinks about when they lose.

And then…. it hit me. I’m a fucking pageant queen. For the last 24 hours I’ve been sitting at home questioning what the hell happened??? I thought they liked me. Was my tie crooked, was one of the girls threatened by my stunning good looks, did I answer a question wrong, should I have shaved for the second interview, was my hair wrong (it wasn’t) did I wear the right shoes, should I have lost a few more pounds??

I’ve been at a loss all day. I thought I nailed the interview. I thought I nailed the talent portion.

At the end of the judging process, it’s not the one with the most charisma, talent, and poise, it’s the one who fucks the judges.

Bitch.

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Bitches Wittier Than I.

26 02 2008

This whole blogoshpere world is new to me.

I mean I came from MySpace where little 12 year olds and people I’d known and talked shit about in high school read my blogs.

Now I’m a little more grown up and writing to the masses of people who constantly look for approval. Or just want to get something off their chest.

I can understand.

I’ve got millions of stories that I think could fill the pages of a blog.The key I suppose is how to relate to people.

You see, I pretty much hate people. I think a lot of people are stupid. I think America is creating an entire legion of stupid people. Hence why I use a lot of Sarcasm. Stupid people don’t get it. They think I’m being serious.

Like for example. In the airport on my way out of Vegas, my friends and I were all in the security line. Seperated by the retractable nylon rope, a young kid who had apparently just accomplished something shouted….. “I DID IT!”

to which I replied (albiet drunk/hungover/sleepily/sarcastically) “Yeah ya did.”

Now, people with above intellegence would have caught on to my subtle congratulatory way of rewarding this young spawn of stupid in a job well done! He haddone it. Although the it, is still in question.

Well Spawn of Stupids mother, Stupid, was none to please with my subtle congratulations to a job well done. She replied snidely “Yeah YOU did.” and shot me a menacing look.

I felt a strain on our relationship.

But this is just another example of how my sarcasm is left unrewarded. How I feel isolated in a world where because of the failing educational system in america people will slowly never know what it’s like to appreciate sarcasm.
Here are the top 5 reasons why people will never harness the power of sarcasm.
1.)Text messages. You can’t pick up on Sarcasm in text messages. Unless it’s from me, then 99% of mine are laced with it.

2.)IM Chats. My friends and have a special color for sarcasm. Kids these days are too lazy to do that.

3.) Email. You can’t say to your boss “you’re a dick” in an email without him thinking you’re serious.

4.) School. I don’t think the schools teach English anymore. Literally.

5.) Reality TV. Prime example is when Elodie congratulated the backstabbing Heidi (who just jacked her job) And Heidi was thankful. It was pure gold. Bitch thought she was serious in congratulating her. That my friends is sarcasm at its finest.

Anyway… I know this has gone on long enough. And it may even be a bit non-senseical (which I’m not sure is even a word) but I give credit where credit is due. People who use sarcasm should always be rewarded.

So here are some people (through the world of blogs) I have found to be sarcastic, and for the most part… wittier than I am. I some respects I feel like Anakin Skywalker as a boy and not realizing my potential. These people/blogs are Yoda and Obi-Wan Kenobi.

enjoy!
The Letter D: Best of D
The Superficial -Because You’re Ugly
Everything is Wrong With Me