How I Lose 10 Bucks Every March…

18 03 2009

Here is my official bracket for this years NCAA Tournament. If I had the money, I’d be wasting it again in a pool with a bunch of friends. However, since I have no job (no office pool) and I have no money, I am basically taking my skills to the internet.

Of course, since nothing is really on the line, this is the year I will win.

And here ya go!

bracket-picks1

Now, I like to enjoy a little fun here and there, so in keeping with tradition I started years ago I have created the “I Like” Bracket picks. These picks are based on me liking things. For example, I may like a team based on my childhood fandom. Or I knew a good friend who went to that school. I may be a diehard fan of that school. Or the girls are rumored to be really hot there. This is how I pick my “I Like” Bracket. It would be much like a girl picking based on mascot, or colors.

side note. This WILL NOT win me anything. But Its fun.
Here it is.
i-like-bracket

Let me break down this for ya…
MIDWEST
Morehead St over Louisville – for obvious reasons. What guy doesn’t like Morehead?? (ps, I’m the same dude in college who bought a S.Carolina Camecocks hat, because it said COCKS on it. I thought that was funny.)

Ohio St. over Siena – just because

Arizona over Utah – I’ve lived in Utah, and not a fan. Plus gotta stay true to my Mormon heritage, and root for BYU. Oh, and Arizona has hotter girls.

Wake over Cleveland St – just because

West Virginia over Dayton – just because

North Dakota St. over Kansas – Cause I hate Kansas.

USC over BC – I love Boston, but USC got a small place in my heart. They filmed Buffy there.

Michigan State over Robert Morris – just because.

ROUND 2.
Morehead over Ohio State – can’t help but giggle.

Zona over Wake – Hot girls.

West Virgina over N.Dakota St. – The mountaineers of this great country all but eliminated Bison from the map. Therefore, WVU.

USC over Michigan State – Battle of the Trojans. (innuendo implied)

Round 3
Morehead over Zona – obviously.

USC over West VirginiaSong girls get me every time.

Midwest ChampMorehead over USC.
Buffy, Song Girls, and other UBER hotness cant compete with Morehead. (not going to lie, that one made me chuckle a bit.)

WEST
UCONN over Chattanooga – this was close, cuase it’s fun to say Cattanooooooga!

BYU over Texas A&M – Mormon roots.

Purdue over N. Iowa – Nothing good came from Iowa except Field of Dreams

Miss. St. over WashingtonTed Bundy was a Huskie. I hate UW. Plus Miss St. are the Bulldogs.

Utah St. over Marqutte – I had an ex girlfriend that went to Utah St. She was a nice girl.

Cornell over Missouri – I just think of Andy from The Office when I think of Cornell now. That’s funny.

Cal over Maryland – I made out with this girl that wen to Maryland once. She was a raging bitch.

Memphis over Cal. St. Northridge – I remember one of the guys from Coach Carter went to Cal. St. Northridge. Wasn’t Ashanti in that? That can’t be very good for your program!

ROUND 2
UCONN over BYU – My Mormon roots only go so far.

Miss State over Purdue – Bulldog thing again.

Cornell over Utah St. – Andy from the Office. (it’s a different one!)

Memphis over Cal – just because.

ROUND 3
UCONN over Miss State – I think this is because my good friend attened UCONN and we have since watched many a UCONN game at Buffalo Wild Wings ( a favorite of mine.)

Cornell over Memphis – Man, this whole Andy thing is giving them quite the run.

WEST CHAMP
UCONN over Cornell – Andy is no match for Wild Wings and Beer. Oh and friends. Not the show, actual people in my life.

EAST
Pitt over East Tennesee – just because

Tennessee over Oklahoma St. – My dad was born in Tennessee

Wisconsin over Florida St. – I hate florida State, and Badgers are badass!

Portland St. over Xavier – no brainer.

UCLA over VCU – Commonwealth just sounds so weak. Like man up and become more. Geez.

American over Villanova – uhhh… I’m American. America, Fuck Ya!

Minnesota over Texas – While Texas has some hot girls, I hate UT with a passion.

Duke over Binghamton – just cause.

ROUND 2
Pitt over Tennessee – the Dad thing only gets you so far.

Portland State over Wisc – Badgers are no match for Vikings.

American over UCLA – There would be no UCLA without America!

DUKE over Minn – Cause I like Duke.

ROUND 3
Portland St over Pitt – Portland is Awesome.

American over Duke“I’m Proud to be an American..”

EAST CHAMPION
Portland St. over American – National Pride only goes so far people. Till it gets obnoxious and gives more reason for the French to hate us.

SOUTH
UNC over Radford – I almost picked Radford so I could use RAD the rest of the way…

Butler over LSU – Bulldogs. Plus purple is for the French

Illinois over Western KentuckyWKU’s mascot freaks me out a bit.

Gonzaga over Akron – Zags have been my team for years now. I’ve been let down many times before, and fear it’ll happen again! But not in the I Like Bracket.

Arizona St over TempleThe Cosby Factor helped Temple, but as we all know, hot girls trump the Cos.

Stephen F. Austin over Syracuse – This is AWESOME! Stone Cold Stephen F. Austin, gives Syracuse the Stone Cold Stunner!

Michigan over Clemson - been a fan of Michigan since I was little… got a Starter jacket to prove it.

Oklahoma over Morgan St. – just because.

ROUND 2
UNC over Butler – I like Carolina Blue.

Gonzaga over Illinois – Bulldogs again. And I hate Orange as a team color.

Arizona St. over STEVE AUSTIN – Steve Austin’s glory days in the WWE were glorious, (espcially when I saw him live in Houston TX at Wrestlemania.) However hot girls turned my head more then WWE. Arizona State takes this one.

Michigan over Oklahoma – I wish the Bball team would incorporate the “wings” like the football team does.

ROUND 3
Gonzaga over UNC - An ex-girlfriend of mine knew Matt Santangelo and others from the sweet 16 Zags team. She got me hooked. Which is cool, cause I got the team in the breakup. Go Zags

Arizona St. over MichiganHot girls go far in my bracket.

SOUTH CHAMP
Gonzaga over Arizona St. – What can I say, I like Bulldogs. And Hot chicks like Bulldogs.

FINAL FOUR
Morehead over UCONN – I like Beer and Wings quite a bit, but there is something I like more…

Gonzaga over Portland St. – Local pride only gets you so far. Go Zags!

CHAMPIONSHIP
Morehead over Gonzaga – Who didn’t see it coming?? I mean really? It’s hilarious. And yes, very immature. But hilarious.

Good luck to all!

Feel free to email…
SarcasmAsAWeapon@gmail.com

Until Next time…





Rain Up My Shorts…

15 03 2009

I suppose as of late I’ve been writing of the happenings of the world around me, and not much of my life. Reason being I suppose is that things are not going as well as I’d have hoped.

I’ll sum it up, because the details are boring, and down right sad.
Finding work, has become very trying. I’m now almost completely broke and getting close to selling my beautiful baby, my car.

However, in the last couple days I’ve actually had some fun even with my “No Fun Embargo of 09.” (While the No Fun Embargo of 09, basically consists of my trying to to spend any money, I thought I would come up with a trendy name like the newscasters do with, well, everything.)

So in my NFE 09′ I have literally tried to do as little as possible for saving money purposes. No going to friends houses, no movies, canceling Netflix, the gym (this is important) and generally honing my World of Warcraft skills to great heights.

My family, with whom I live with in either noticed my NFE 09′ for my dad mentioned some friends of his get together each Saturday morning for a pickup game of soccer. Now, in my lifetime I have known a couple of things.
#1. Playing soccer since I was 4.
#2 The Red Sox since I was 8.

This 2 things are a constant, and pretty vital part of my life. Soccer makes me happy. Playing or coaching. With me in the funk, I quickly jumped on the chance of getting together for some weekend Shenanigans. (Shenanigans is capitalized because it is St. Patrick’s Day Weekend.)

Upon arriving, I quickly realized that I was indeed one of the youngest people out there for some soccer. It was apparent much later in the game, that though I was the youngest, I was probably the most out of shape. 2 straight hours of soccer after weeks of an Embargo can almost kill a guy. Especially me.

I love to think I can draw the line between having fun and being competitive, but I can’t. Not with soccer. I have to win. I have to play hard. It’s just in me. There are a couple of things I do really well in life. One of them is soccer. (Another of them, I would brag about, but I don’t think it’s the smartest thing to do in regards to an open forum and public ridicule. Plus, now that I think about it, I don’t think I’ve ever gotten a “good game” like I’ve been accustomed to receiveing in soccer for my other skills. But hey, a self high five is still a high five.)

So not to brag, but I scored two goals and felt great. I had a blast. One thing that I can always count on to put me in a better mood, is playing. However, at some point the endorphins in my body decided they had had enough of pushing adrenaline through my body and I realized I am indeed 30, and have been sedentary for a couple weeks. I felt shooting pains in my right foot and couldn’t think of why. My quads were burning, and my back was killing me. I came home and quickly downed 600mg of Ibuprofen and grabbed a heating pad.

I decided at this moment I would find out what was wrong with my right foot. I removed the sock from my foot, and low and behold, a gigantic blister on my foot. It was at this point I remembered I had signed up to do a 5k (3.1 miles) the very next day. I am an idiot.

The Mighty Blister

The Mighty Blister

I awoke at 6:30 am the following day pulling my legs up and placing them onto the floor. It was at this point, I could HEAR the wind howling and the rain hitting my window. I was not a happy camper. I pressed on. I met up with my friend JDub and off we drove downtown to tackle the mighty 5k that was in front of us. Now, if you’ll remember earlier in my post, I have stated all of my medical ailments, and in addition to that I haven’t trained for a 5k. The only training I’ve put in lately, is sprinting down the stairs whenever my mother orders pizza or brings home fast food for lunch.

I’m not going to lie, I’m pretty sure I was in peak physical condition for the task at hand.

The rain and the winds came down as we grabbed our numbers and headed to the starting line. It was packed with tons of people, and tons of…… kids! That’s right. Kids. When people generally ask me if I like kids, my answer is usually (unless they’re hot) “I like kids. Just not yours.” So imagine my displeausre to be surrounded by a bunch of kids. And seriously, what kind of parenting book state you should take your kids out into the pouring rain and wind and run around for 3 miles. In my parenting book that’s just a bad idea. In my day, we had Nintendo World Class Track Meet (complete with Power Pad) to get our running in for the day. And look how my generation turned out.

The race started and the mass herd of people started heading out down the course. I’ve seen City Slickers a couple times and can only compare the start of this race to the cattle drive at the end of the movie. Half a mile into the race the crowd seemed to disperse a little bit. It was here I decided to make my move. I picked up my pace, leaving JDub in my wake and passing people left and right. I felt really good about myself and the run.

Fast forward to about 2.2 miles into an uphill run. I. Am. Not. Happy. For whatever reason every kid that was entered into the race decided, not only to pass me, but to jump into every muther effing puddle I was near. Imagine the shock, when not only did I have to deal with rain coming down upon my head, but indeed flying UP MY SHORTS! It’s a good thing I didn’t go commando. And let me tell you boys and girls, the water was COLD. Really cold. And it would happen roughly every .25 miles. Running minding my own business when all of a sudden… HOLY BEJEEZUS!! Not only did this increase my pace but also my disdain for children.

As the end of the race approached I felt good for the simple fact that even though I really wanted to walk, I didn’t. I persevered to the end. In fact, I felt good enough to start my “kick” and finish strong. However, my legs had other ideas. I picked up the pace and my legs felt like potato sacks filled with bricks. Each step was like taking a weightlifting class in high school, you know, where you added to much weight in case the hot girl was looking. Well, she wasn’t and my legs were dead. I saw the end and it was within my reach. However with 50 yards to go, there was a complete standstill at the end. You see really smart people who finished ahead of us, decided to take of their timing strap RIGHT THERE AT THE FUCKING END! Creating a gigantic cluster fuck and killing my time! You bastards. As we all waited my legs yelled at me for just stopping. Not a cool down jog, or even a walk. I went from running at a fast pace, to stopped. My legs were pissed. As was I. My time was effed.

I cooled down and finally met up with JDub after losing her like a little kid at Disneyland. However, oddly enough (not really) I found her standing near the Beer Garden line. Go figure. I looked around and realized, that I in fact did not want beer. So we went to the sponsoring bar and kicked back Jack and Cokes. Thats right, 3.1 miles. 9:00 am. Sunday. Jack and Cokes.

It’s how I roll.

Upon finding my race time later that night, I’m quite ok with my time. 37 minutes (which I would think is closer to 35 minutes considering the log jam at the end. And considering my propensity towards Carl’s Jr, Little Caesers Pizza, Dairy Queen Chicken Strip Basket with Gravy, that is a pretty good time)

I Barney Stinsoned that 5k and made it my bitch.

Of course after seeing one dude did it in 15 minutes, I felt highly out of shape. That dude however was probably driven by the fact that the winner wins his/her weight in beer. I can’t say I like beer that much.

Until next time…

SarcasmAsAWeapon@gmail.com





If At First You Don’t Succeed… “F” With Someone Else’s Head…

3 03 2009

Well, I’m not going to gloat and tell you I told you so….

But really… I told you so.

Way back in the month of January when this long process began, I picked the eventual winner of the Bachelor. Sweet little vixen Melissa was the girl I picked to win it all. And, for those of you watching at home, you’ll have already seen that I was right.

Sometimes I find it hard to say those words. I was right. It’s almost like a guilty pleasure. I was right. Of course being single I get to say those words as often as possible. Which is actually all the time. This being another prime example.

I can tell you, I didn’t watch one single episode aside from this last episode, and “After the Final Rose,” which I think would have been a lot more awesome with the audience participation. The bulk of my commentary comes based on “AfTR” episode in which we see a major twist, and the Bachelors most dramatic episode ever. (Their words not mine.)

However, I would like to point out, that hot little DeAnna Pappas must have needed some sort of TV time for her time of fame has run out, because she made an appearance to try and ruin things. I keep trying to tell her, that she chose the wrong dude in the first place.

Again, I was right. What the hell. Have no idea how that happens.

I previously wrote that I was hoping that Jason “the Dumbass” Mesnik (sp) wouldn’t choose the little Vixen in hopes of me packing up this laptop moving to Dallas and trying to woo her myself. However, my dreams were crushed for a mere 15 minutes.

After the happy couple is shown we are treated to “AfTR” in which we supposed to see how the happy couple has come along. Jason is introduced, and we are warned that this is the most dramatic and potentially damaging on peoples…..blah blah blah blah……

He begins by telling the host that is relationship has changed with the little Vixen Melissa. That in fact, he doesn’t believe that they should be together (yes! *fist pump* I mean, my bad, that sucks) anymore, that they are not right for each other. Out comes Melissa in a strikingly short, low cut dress befitting a hottie from The DFW. What transpires is a brutal 15 minutes of television where poor Melissa is crushed in front of millions of viewers (or according to the host, all of America).

I couldn’t help but want to console her. Let her cry on my shoulder. Let her express her feelings of anger and rejection, by dressing up as a Dallas Cowboy cheerleader and prance around my room. This of course would have to happen with the door open because I’m not allowed to have girls in my room.

Melissa than gave us a true glimpse into how angry and hurt she was, when she started to refer to herself in the third person. I half expected her to start the angry neck thing girls get going on and waving one finger. However, she remained a classy girl and just stuck to the third person. Which was kinda funny, alarming, and awesome all at the same time. (Ps, guys, if your girlfriend or wife begins referring to herself in the third person, find out what you did, profusely apologize, and find out how comfy the couch is. Or in Jason’s case, send her packing back to Dallas in a limo. BOO YAH!)

Finally, Melissa and Jason said their goodbyes, which weren’t very cordial. In fact, Melissa made it a point to let him know “don’t call me, and don’t text me anymore.” To which I couldn’t help but think, no matter how old you are, or who you’re saying that too, I believe you will always sound as if you are in 9th grade. However she did leave out, facebook, and myspace so I think she saved some face.

It is at this time I would like to write a letter to poor disheveled Melissa.
You may skip ahead.

Melissa,
Real sorry to hear about that douche Jason. I’m not going to lie, I’m kinda glad things didn’t work out. You see, I couldn’t help but notice you were a cheerleader. I happen to really like cheerleaders. You also wore a really short, low cut dress. I too like short low cut dresses (not on me. However I do have really nice legs.) In addition to that, I am unemployed, and you have a job. I like people who have jobs. You like reality TV. I like reality TV. And finally, you are really hot, and I like really hot people. So one can only deduce that with as much as we have in common, we should totally get together sometime. It’ll be my treat. My brother works at the movies, so we can see Oscar winner Slumdog Millionaire, (I figure you’ve been taping and haven’t gotten out much) go get some chalupas from Taco Bell (coupons provided from 100 point night at a NBA game) and get some drinks (you being as hot as you are, will score them from dudes who want to buy you drinks.) I know what you’re thinking…. what a perfect night out.
Think about it…. and you know…. text me.

Look How Cute She is!!!

Look How Cute She is!!!

I’m not one hundred percent sure, but I’m thinking Melissa and I would look mighty cute together.

So Melissa leaves heartbroken and in comes Molly, and to sum it all up quickly… she takes him back. But initially, he picked Melissa, as evidenced by the ring, so therefore I win. I also couldn’t help but feel I had just watched an episode of Degrassi.

I would like to take this moment, and acknowledge the host of this fine show. Chris Harrison I believe was his name. Lets take a look at his “Bro” moments in “AtFR” shall we…

#1. When tensions run high, and Melissa is about to give Jason what he deserves, Chris quickly takes a commercial breaks taking the heat off Jason. Bro Move.
#2. He then gives Jason a moment with Melissa to say good bye. And by good bye, as Bro’s we all know, he was giving Jason a chance to obtain what is known as break up sex. However, this was denied, evidenced by a shot of Melissa walking down the hall and to the limo.
#3. While questioning new potential GF for Jason, he does the ultimate set up by planting good thoughts of them getting back together.
#4. Molly gives Jason some real tough questions in which he has no answer. (Aside from saying I’m a jackass) Chris the host, realizes this, and according to Bro code, interrupts and states, “there is a reason Jason is here Molly.” Allowing Jason not to have to answer, and start talking sweet nothings to Molly. All in hopes of getting laid. Nice Bro.
#5. Toward the end, you can see Molly grappling with the idea of what is going on, when The Ultimate Bro steps in and asks Jason, “You gotta be in love with this girl?” To which Jason obviously replies yes, for he has seen the alley oop that his Bro has given him, and slams it down with authority.

My hope, is that one day, we can all live in a world where Bros. like Chris Harrison are in abundance. Where everyman is given the gift of a god like Bro with supernatural powers to give you an all expense trip to New Zeland to have sex with two hot girls. Where, the Bro shall always be in support of you in your endeavors fighting for good, and triumphing over evil. And if by chance this day shall come long after I am dead, well then I shall swoop down from the heavens, and sing like an angel. For brethren, we have all seen the light, and we have all seen what can be. And brethren, It. Is. Good.

Amen.

Until Next Time….

SarcasmAsAWeapon@gmail.com








Follow

Get every new post delivered to your Inbox.